Hey! I finally managed to get a disk to the computer and upload this! I know, I know, a Secret Santa story doesn't really belong in February, but I didn't exactly have a choice. I still don't have internet back until March 1 (Stupid parents. Stupid stupid stupid.) But this one goes out to K9theFirst1. Your request was Trigon giving Raven "the Talk". Well…here goes…

Note: PG-13. Seriously.

Disclaimer: I do not own Teen Titans. If I did, Terra would not exist, Cyborg would have a girlfriend, Robin wouldn't be so obsessive, Slade wouldn't act like a pedophile, Gizmo would know some good insults, and Raven and Beast Boy would have multiple episodes devoted to their relationship. With a few dedicated to Robin and Starfire, of course.

Daddy, I'd like you to meet…

By Mint Dragon

Raven and Beast Boy lay on Raven's bed. The dim moonlight filtered in through the shades, casting gloomy shadows on the walls. Raven's cloak was absent, as was the green changeling's shirt, and she sighed happily, eyes closed, as Beast Boy kissed her neck gently.

"Well, you're in a good mood," Beast Boy said, sliding one arm around her waist.

"Mmm…" Raven replied sleepily. The elfin-eared changeling raised one eyebrow, before leaning up and kissing her solidly on the lips. Raven wrapped her arms around his shoulders and brought him closer, and then he pulled away for breath.

"For a night-owl, you are way too sleepy right now," Beast Boy accused her. She opened her eyes and blinked.


Beast Boy chuckled and began to kiss her neck again.

"How come I'm doing all the work?" he asked after a minute. She raised her eyebrows, and then suddenly, Beast Boy found himself on his back against the silken black sheets, Raven astride him and looking down triumphantly. He shivered as she leaned down and whispered in his ear,

"Well then why don't you take it easy for a little bit?"

She then moved to kiss him again, and he smirked, closing his eyes and waiting.

Suddenly, a cold rush of air flew through the room, and Beast Boy no longer felt Raven's weight on top of him. He opened his eyes, and did a double take.

Raven was gone.


At the head of his great banquet table, all four of Trigon's eyes blinked.

"Exactly what I said." he replied calmly, in a deep, grating voice. Standing at the foot of the table, arms crossed, Raven glared at her demon-god father.

"Pardon me for asking, but shouldn't you be trying to kill me right now?" she asked sarcastically. He sighed and shook his head, his great white mane of hair flowing behind him.

"Sit," he said, patting a seat next to him. Rolling her eyes, Raven obliged.

"Right. Well. I need to talk to you." he said, avoiding eye contact with his half-demon daughter.

"We've already stated this. And what's with the shirt? I thought you hated pink."

Trigon tugged self-consciously on his pink polo shirt.

"Ah, yes, well, must look presentable to speak with my daughter," he offered.

"This coming from a guy whose standard attire is a loincloth," Raven snorted. Trigon sighed.

"Anyway, Raven, I summoned you here to speak of something of the utmost importance."

Raven's eyes narrowed, and she took a sip of water from the goblet in front of her. Trigon leaned down and whispered,

"I understand that you have a boyfriend now, and, well-"

Raven spit out her water all over the table, coughing violently.

"You called me here to give me THE TALK!" she exclaimed, incredulous. Trigon coughed and looked away.

"Yes, well, I am your father, so…"

"Tell me you're kidding. PLEASE tell me that you're kidding. A plot to kill me, to destroy my friends, to join you in your universal conquest, anything but that!"


"Oh, for Pete's sake, just get on with it." Raven said irritably. "I was making out with said boyfriend when you summoned me, and I would very much like to get back to him."

"Making out!" Trigon looked horrified. "Raven, you haven't had se-"


Trigon flinched. Raven glared at him.

"And even if I did, it's none of your business anyway. I'm eighteen. I'm old enough to make these decisions for myself."

"But…DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY DISEASES THERE ARE OUT THERE!" Trigon exploded into a fit of fatherly concern, and then sighed.

"Look, honey, I'm not against your having a boyfriend, but just make sure he's wearing a condom on each of his tentacles when you-"

"He's not a demon."

Trigon blinked.

"Say what?"

"He's not a demon." Raven frowned. "You said it was alright if I dated a human, so I did!"

"Erm…dear…you know that bad things happen when a demon and a human…you know…" he glanced furtively from side to side. Raven sighed.

"Yes, I know. I am the bad thing, remember?"

"Oh, Raven, honey, I didn't mean it like that, I just meant-"

"Save it."

They sat in uncomfortable silence for another few minutes, while Raven jiggled her foot and stared at the ceiling and Trigon tugged uncomfortably at his shirt collar.

"So…" he began.

"Can I go now?"



"Well…don't you think that your boyfriend should have a say in this conversation?"

Raven's eyes widened.

"You didn't."

"Uh…heh heh…" The large double doors at the end of the room opened, and a shirtless and disheveled Beast Boy was shoved unceremoniously into the room.

Raven whirled on her father, livid.


"Raven, dear-"


"Raven, please-"


"Calm down, Rae," Beast Boy said, walking over and standing behind her chair, massaging her shoulders gently. Trigon balked slightly at the contact as Raven sighed and leaned back into the changeling's touch.

What the hell am I doing here Beast Boy sent telepathically. Little did Trigon know, but Raven and Beast Boy had managed to forge a telepathic connection, allowing them private, undetected mental conversations when in physical contact with each other.

My father is trying to give me "the talk".

You're joking.

Unfortunately, I'm not.

Kinda makes me glad I don't have parents any more.

Tell me about it.

So how do we get out of here

Well…I can think of one way…

Trigon watched in a mild state of shock as Raven stood, running her hand slowly up her boyfriend's bare chest.

"Daddy," she said coyly, "I'd like you to meet my boyfriend. This-." She reached up and cupped Beast Boy's face gently, "is Beast Boy." She tilted her head up, and Beast Boy leaned down and kissed her for all he was worth, bringing his hands to rest loosely on Raven's hips.

After a minute or so, Beast Boy pulled away, and grinned wolfishly at Trigon.

"It's a pleasure," he said, before returning to the business of kissing Raven, who was being very, very suggestive.

A little bit too suggestive, for Trigon's taste.

"Young lady," he began, very thankful that he couldn't visibly blush, "you sit down this instant, or I'll…I'll…"

Raven pulled back, smirking at her father.

"You'll what?"

"I'll…I'll…WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!" he exclaimed. Raven stared at him, wide eyed and entirely unconvincing.


"Uh…Rae…" Beast Boy said nervously, as flames began to surround the fuming demon-god, "You might want to let go of my belt…unless you like your men barbecued."

Raven looked down at her hand, halfway through pulling the belt out of Beast Boy's jeans, in mock surprise.

"Oh, Beast Boy," she said, freakishly coy, "There's nothing to be embarrassed about. Certainly not for you."

At this, Trigon lost it.

"GET OUT!" he roared. Raven let out a sigh of relief.

"Finally…", Raven muttered under her breath, as they disappeared in a flash of red light.


"Oh, stop that, you big baby." Raven admonished him, standing and brushing herself off. Beast Boy sat on the ground at the base of Titan's Tower, rubbing his sore behind, glaring at her.

"How come every time I get teleported somewhere, I land on my ass?"

Raven shrugged and began to walk towards the door. Beast Boy scrambled to his feet and began to follow her.

"So," he said, trying to be suave. And failing. "Where were we?"

Raven glanced at him, one elegant eyebrow raised as she opened the door, and stepped through it. "In your dreams," she dismissed him coolly. Beast Boy stood stock still in the doorway, staring after his girlfriend as the door closed in his face. After a moment, he sighed and transformed into a bird, flying up to his room.