November 4, 2004.

Sometimes I still see her. It's weird, though, you know? I mean, we all used to live together in a giant T in the bay. Something happened, though. Even before she left, it was almost as if she had. She just felt… something. Something had to have made her act the way she did. IT made her feel that way. IT was hurting her. IT made her leave, and in turn IT hurts us. But I could never say what IT was. I didn't know. But IT hasn't come back. IT stayed with her. Tomorrow, I'm going to sit on the roof all freaking day if that's what it takes to see her again.

Well, I couldn't tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it everyday

November 6, 2004

I still feel guilty. It wasn't my fault. Everyone tells me that. Robin tells me it was never my fault, but I know he only wants to blame it on himself. I think it makes things easier for him that way. Cyborg is still our big brother, but it always seems like something is missing from him. I mean, protecting her was a big part of his life. Now she's gone. Starfire isn't the same. She still doesn't understand why she left. Now she works harder than ever to learn about people and understand them. It's driving her crazy. Today, even, she's trying to memorize the dictionary. And the thesaurus. And every other book she gets her hands on.

I didn't know what to do back then. How could I help her? She made the same mistakes again. I just watched.

And I couldn't help her
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again

November 7, 2004

She left because she thought it would free us. Free herself. Obviously it didn't work. We're still the titans, but there are only the four of us. I would have thought that she would've moved far, far away, but she didn't. She's in the city, lurking. In battle, sometimes, if one of us is about to get totally bashed, something wrapped up like a little present in this glowy black aura hits the bad guy. Always. And when we look around, we see her. Sometimes, but enough. A little bit of cloak around the corner, a shadow on the wall. It happened today. I almost saw her face, but she turned and ran somewhere.

I think her problem was that she never knew where she belonged. I didn't either. I'm not afraid to admit that it was hard for all of us to accept each other. Especially, our acceptance of her, and vice versa. I mean, there were just too many things between us. I always hoped she did belong with us, but if she didn't, then she didn't.

What's wrong, What's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

November 8, 2004

I am so stuck on her. She's gone, but she is all over my mind. I can't stop thinking about her at all. I mean, look how she fills up this journal. Six months, and I continue to analyze. I didn't really like her that way, but… She was my big sister.

I like to think that she wants to come home. Home. What a weird word. All my life, I never stopped to think about it. Home is what you make of it, really. I don't mean to get all philosophical on it, but it's so true. Maybe she thinks that we won't accept her back again. The truth is, though, we will. We don't care what she does, she'll be welcomed back. At least, I'll welcome her back. And I'm sure Starfire will too.

That's what I'm defiantly going to think from now on. She wants to come home, but she doesn't know if we'll take her back, which we will. I think maybe she's broken. Not like a toy or anything, but something is broken inside of her. Her soul is broken. That's all. But I want to help fix it.

She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside

November 10, 2004

There's no place for her in the city. Why doesn't she understand that? She had a home with us. It seemed like she had everything going for her, but maybe it wasn't enough. She's homeless now. I didn't tell the others, but I was alone in the city yesterday and she was following me. When she knew that I saw her, she ran off, but I followed her. I followed her all the way into an ally filled with what looked like a mini-city of tents made of ragged blankets and cardboard boxes. There were all these people there. Old people and, what hurt the most, kids. I mean, little, little kids, with no parents. And even pregnant girls only my age who had been cast out of their homes for disgracing their families.

There's no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside

November 13, 2004

I told the titans about the ally, but not her. We set up a fund drive and gave the people food and clothes and blankets, and sent them all to good shelters until they can get jobs and then homes... We hope. That's why I've been so busy lately. I think part of the reason I was so enthusiastic (despite the fact that the little kids with no parents made me so sad I was sick to my stomach) was that I was hoping to see her. To speak to her. I never saw her. I was so stupid to think I would.

The day she left, I went into her room to see if I could find anything. Her mirror, a diary, anything to explain to me what was going on. I mean, it was only about six months ago. I was fourteen. I still am. I'm too young to understand most of what's going on in the world, but I know a lot more than people think. All kids do. People need to learn to see how much we know. And they need to see that there are some things we don't understand. I still can't comprehend it. I've written it down here so many times. I can't find any good reasons. She said she wanted to leave because she didn't belong, because we wouldn't want her anymore by the time we found out. Found out what? She wasn't rejected by us. She rejected herself. And now she thinks she can't come back to us.

Open your eyes
And look outside
Find the reasons why
You've been rejected
And now you can't find
What you've left behind

November 14, 2004

Robin says he found out what she meant, but I think he only found out part of it. How could something this small make her want to leave? I think Robin and Cyborg want for answers so desperately, that they would be willing to believe anything. He and Cyborg nearly ransacked her room for anything they could find, but all they could find was marijuana. So she did drugs? I'm betting she smoked too. Before she left, sometimes the hall in front of her room, or she herself smelled like smoke. Only I noticed, and I still haven't said anything about her smoking joints in her room.

They're telling me I need to be strong. I have been strong. I never cried a single tear. The others have, but I never did. Why would I cry? Ever since, I tell myself every single night: she'll be back soon. It's only for a little while.

The same thing I told myself after Terra was

Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Don't know where she belongs
Where she belongs

November 14, 2004

Sorry, the alarm went off last night and I was too tired to finish. Another fight with another loser. I saw her, though. We were fighting a new guy, and his favorite thing to do was spray gasoline with a hose and light a match to it. I charged at him as some animal or whatever, and he sprayed me for my stupidity. It was in slow motion that he lit the match and dropped it. I was so close to him, too. Just before it hit the match hit the gasoline, this blurred thing made of black light swept by and the match disappeared and the guy… The guy was dead. I have never known her to ever kill anyone before. I didn't even see her, really. No one else did, either. Just that black blur of light that swept across the guy. Robin is mad as hell. I think he's sort of disowned her in his mind. Starfire hasn't even cried. She went in her room for the first time since she left. She looked around for a while (I was spying, of course) and then she looked out the window. The window was painted over with a beautiful painting of the night sky. Star muttered something that I didn't hear. I still don't know what Cyborg thinks yet.

She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside

November 15, 2004

COME HOME, DAMNIT! Don't you see you have no where to go? Don't you see what you're doing to us? Or maybeyou just don't care…

There's no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside

November 16, 2004

I'm just so frustrated! How were we ever supposed to know that something was going on? She hid her feelings. All the time. All that meditation? What, didn't she trust us? I've just been so angry lately. Starfire is… Starfire is different. It's like she's given up on "there's good in everyone" or something. Robin is obsessing over everything and he scares Starfire… and me, too, sometimes. Cyborg has taken the T-car apart piece by piece. I don't know what is happening. I mean, she's right there in the city! It's not like she died or something.

I wonder what she wanted to do in life. She never said. She never told us what she wanted unless she had to, to keep us safe. She had a guitar. It was really cool. And really expensive. Robin wonders if she stole it. Why would she though? Just to do something bad to stay sane? It was a dark purple acoustic guitar, but we never found any sheet music or anything. Maybe she was losing her mind so she left us. It's all up in the air. I think Cyborg is trying to keep her out of his mind. He won't even go up on the floor her room is on anymore.

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she can't find
She's losing her mind
She's falling behind

November 17, 2004

I found what she was doing with a guitar. I was in her room just sitting on her bed, and then I got this weird thought to look in the pillows. I know, man. So weird. But I looked anyway. Inside one of the pillow cases were a cd recorder and a bunch of cds with handwritten labels I couldn't read. I haven't listened to them yet. I'm afraid to. I bet she's lost her faith in us. She's definitely fallen from everyone's grace. I convinced Robin to keep the murder thing hush-hush because I don't know if I could bear it if her face was plastered everywhere as a criminal. I mean, she's already crazed. She's everywhere. Cyborg said she's unpredictable and dangerous. Starfire says she's like an animal. Robin… Well, Robin wants to find her. But Robin wants her gone, too. What if they don't let her come back?

And she can't find her place
She's losing her faith
she's falling from grace
She's all over the place, yeah

November 20, 2004

I'm almost finished. I had to buy some extra bed sheets, because even though I stole some from Robin and Starfire, I didn't have enough.

I wonder if Robin keeps a journal. He told me to start one like what? Two weeks ago? To keep my thoughts organized. So I've been faithfully writing about her almost every single day.

Well, yesterday, she pulled it off. Everyone is back to "We must find her and bring her home mode" again. She didn't kill that man. Some retarded super villain imitated her powers so that we'd disown her. I never did, so there. We defeated his ass and I made sure to give him a sound kick in the face for her sake.

When I finish the project, she'll be sure to come home… I hope.

She wants to go home
But nobody's home
That's where she lies
Broken inside

November 21, 2004

I still haven't listened to the cds. Maybe I should. I will when I finish the project.

I moved her furniture around today and looked through a bunch of her books. I found one book on her shelf that I had been missing for a long time. Thing is, it's a trick book. You know, the kind with a big storage space on the inside. I wonder why she took it. Anyway, I looked inside and guess what I found: Her journal. I don't know why I hide so many things from my teammates, but I couldn't bear to share this with them. I couldn't read it either. It's next to the cds on my desk.

Well, I saw her this morning, standing across the water. Just watching the tower. She was wearing a too-big pair of dirty jeans that were torn and frayed at the ends with holes in the knee. She had on a black t-shirt that was also in bad condition. Her hair is longer; all the way to her shoulders, and she didn't have any shoes on. I couldn't see her face clearly because my animalistic vision can only be so good.

I could have sworn she was crying, though.

There's no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside

November 22, 2004

I listened to the cds. She has the most beautiful voice. And she can play, too! The songs were all about how she felt and such. The last one I played, wasn't filled with music, though. It was like her confessions or something. She talked about all the terrible things she'd ever done. She stole the guitar, she smoked pot, she stole things from us (albeit small insignificant things we never really noticed were gone- but they made her feel guilty anyway). You know, the book from me, one of Robin's bird-a-rangs, a stuffed animal from Star, a little box of washers from Cyborg. She talked about how she hated the way she acted around us, and how she hated the way her father's influence made her want to do awful things. I never knew who her father was, and I still don't. She said that she did unspeakable things before she came to earth. She wasn't very specific, though.

The biggest thing was: Her powers were leaving her. The smoking was making her weak. She decided to leave before we were hurt with her inabilities. She knew an antidote that would make all the bad things go away from her, but she needed some things to get it. She didn't say what they were, only that we wouldn't want her anymore for getting them. And she said that she was going to quit, too. Both the smoking and the stealing.

I listened to the tapes, but I won't read her diary.

I'm almost finished. If it works, she'll come back and I can tell her that I know everything and that we want her back. I had to buy more paint because I ran out. I'll tell the others when I'm done. She's lost, and she'll be found.

she's lost inside, lost inside
oh oh
she's lost inside, lost inside
oh oh oh

November 23, 2004

I finished! I told the titans this morning and they helped me put it up. They all think it's a great idea. I told them about the tapes and the diary, too. They didn't get mad, and I let them listen to the tapes. I won't let anyone read the diary. I won't even read it. It feels wrong. Well, I hope the plan works. No, it will. I know it.

After we put it up, we all flew to different parts of the city. You can see it from everywhere. A big multicolor banner of lavender, pink, orange, blue, white, and green. It covers the entire side of the 'T' part of the tower. And the words are readable from everywhere too. Really big dark purple letters. Maybe it'll make all the difference.

It will be like a map. She's lost inside and it'll help her find a way out.

Wow, that sounded childish. After that thing with Malchior, I asked her why she hugged me. She said that she liked the way I could sound so innocent. The way I really was. Not that "Gotta be a comedian because people think I'm funny" crap, but when I just acted like the kid I truly was. I guess that's what she meant. Younger people have the ability to see things the way they are, simple and easy. I can't believe it took me until now to figure all that out.

Oh well. So it's only noon and everything, but everyone is like, so tensed. Robin and Starfire don't even care that I took all of their extra sheets. Cyborg went down to the garage to wax his car after we put up the banner before dawn. He doesn't have a car. I still have to wonder what he's been doing down there for six hours. Starfire hasn't even been able to finish a recipe. She only gets halfway through, but then stops because she's too excited. Robin has been sitting on the couch watching a moldy chip on the carpet for the last four hours. Me? I've been running around trying to annoy people.

When she sees the banner, I know she'll come back. I don't know how, but I do know it. This will prove that we want her back. I mean, who could say no to a multi color banner on the side of the largest, most obnoxious building in the city that says your name on. She has never really cooperated when people tell her what to do, but maybe this time she will. Really, though. Who could say no to "Come Home, Raven."

The lyrics were "Nobody's Home" by Avril Lavigne. The fanfiction was by me. Teen titans was by whoever. Not like I care much. Now, any requests for a continuation? (oh, and I'm still working on the continuation of my other "one-shot")

Wild Spirit