Disclaimer – I do not own them, nor do I own the plot bunny for this story.

Author's Notes – Just a twisted, quirky one shot! Ever been to Wal-Mart at night? Well, you can all thank ladywolfTerri for this one too . . . it's all her fault I tell you!


Midnight Madness

Shopping at night in Domino City wasn't usually a hazardous experience, but when you had two psychotic yami's accompanying you . . . well, let's just say that nerves were not exactly soothed when one stayed outside with the car and the other came in with you, only to promptly disappear.

Ryou sighed, walking through the all night department store with something very much akin to dread. At least Malik had stayed out with Bakura . . . he could keep the former Tomb Robber out of trouble. Or so Ryou hoped. But the fact that Marik was currently loose somewhere in the store worried him almost as much as Bakura being outside did. And Marik didn't have anyone keeping an eye on him . . .

The best thing he could do would be to get the stuff he needed and get out of here in a hurry, before anything could happen. Because with two yami's on the loose, anything that could happen . . . invariably would.

"Why me?" he muttered to himself, and moved just a bit faster.

Elsewhere In The Store

"Mortals these days create some strange contraptions," Marik muttered to himself, staring at the item in his hand in consternation. Why would anyone need a 'stud finder'? Couldn't they use their own two eyes to find a good looking guy? "Women must be dense to need this!"

Setting it back down, the blonde, spike haired yami wandered further into the tools section, bored out of his demented mind. Hammers, screwdrivers, nails . . .

"Hehehe, I'd like to 'nail' Malik," he muttered, picking up one of the small metal instruments. "My hikari seriously needs some sex." A gasp behind him drew his attention, and he turned violet eyes toward the sound, one eyebrow arching curiously as he beheld the old woman behind him, staring at him in horror. "What?" he growled. "If you had a hot hikari in your bed, you'd want to nail him too, crone." The woman stared at him, wide-eyed, frozen like a deer in headlights as he grinned at her, and made a lewd gesture toward his crotch.

He snickered as she skittered off like a scared rabbit, her skirt flapping about her legs in her rush to get away from him. Maybe shopping this late at night wasn't so bad after all . . . although he still resented being dragged out. He had much more important things to do . . . like pounding a certain body through a certain mattress. But, Ryou had to come get some things, and he'd dragged Malik along, which of course meant he and Bakura had to come too. They weren't allowed to be in the house alone together after the last time.

"Yeah, but that fire was so much fun!" he grumbled to himself, shoving his hands in his pockets as he strode down the aisle. "And it's not my fault the Tomb Robber can't cook." Maybe he would pick up a beginner's cook book for the pale yami while he was here.

Outside The Store

"Bakura, this really isn't a good idea," Marik muttered for the hundredth time, making Bakura want to put a fist . . . or a blade . . . through him just to get him to shut up.

"Ryou dragged me out of the nice, warm house for this shit. I might as well take advantage of the circumstances to practice some of my newer skills," he snarled in reply. "Now either shut up and stand watch silently, or go back to the fucking car, you woose."

Turning back to the Jeep, he tilted his head to one side, examining the lock carefully before selecting the proper tools from inside his trench coat. Electronic locks, so a jimmy wouldn't work. He would have to use lock picks. But first . . .

Crawling under the car, he tried to recall what the internet page had said about car alarms, and how to disarm them without being inside the vehicle. Something about wires . . . damn it, he hated having to remember shit. Thievery went purely on instinct for him . . . car jacking was something else entirely. But if he was going to keep his title as the King of Thieves, he had to become proficient at this too . . . and he had new lock picks to break in, after all. Might as well do two things at once.

A shuffle sound broke his concentration, and he turned to stare at Malik's feet, where the blonde hikari was pacing. Why couldn't Marik have stayed out here while Malik went with Ryou? At least the other yami knew how to play lookout . . . even if he was a pain in the ass. If Malik kept acting so damn nervous, he was going to draw unwanted attention. Grumbling under his breath, he turned his concentration back to what he was doing, and plotted murdering Malik in the back of his mind.

Watching the black jean clad legs sticking out from under the Jeep, Malik was wondering just what the hell he had done to deserve this. Yeah, he'd tried to take over the world, but did that really warrant having to keep an eye on someone else's psychotic yami? He had enough problems keeping a figurative 'leash' on his own.

"Ra, just get me through this night and I will never curse you again," he muttered, shaking his head.

Back With Ryou

One item down, two to go. Luckily, the last two were in the same area, so he was almost done. Something told him there was mischief going on outside . . . his link with Bakura was strangely quiet, and he'd expected his yami to be pestering the ever-loving hell out of him by now.

Bakura hadn't wanted to come, but there was no way Ryou would have considered leaving him at home, alone, with Marik. Those two got into far too much trouble when left to their own devices. Coming home to finding fire trucks parked outside his house had not been a pleasant surprise.

Yes, it had been sweet that Bakura had been trying to cook dinner, but still . . . the wreckage that had been left to clean up had taken all night, and most of the next day. Thus the reason Bakura had been banned from the kitchen . . . not that it stopped him from trying anyway. He should have known better. Banning Bakura from anything merely put a big sign on it that said 'Come and get me if you can'!

An announcement came through the overhead, calling security to the Toy section of the store. Somehow, he just knew Marik was involved. Leave it to a yami to get in trouble with toys . . .

With a sigh, he headed for pets, and hoped this would be over soon.

Marik In Toyland

Another ball, another unsuspecting customer to peg. Marik giggled, ducking back behind the rack full of big, rubber balls as another customer approached his position. Dodge ball was so much fun . . . especially when the 'target's' didn't know that's what they were. The looks on their faces were priceless . . . especially since they didn't know where the ball that hit them had come from. Too bad Bakura couldn't be here to join the fun.

The announcement overhead caught his attention, and he grimaced as his fun was cut short. Time to move on, before security found him and threw him out. He was having far too much fun in this store to stop now. Shopping at midnight was looking more and more like a fun hobby to partake of.

In The Parking Lot

Crawling out from underneath the Jeep, Bakura dusted his hands off on his pants, a self-satisfied smirk gracing his features. That had actually been rather easy . . . who said a three thousand year old spirit couldn't understand modern day electronics?

Malik, however, was quickly getting on his nerves.

"Bakura, why the hell are you doing this? I mean, you can't hide the damn thing, I you certainly can't hock it. What are you going to do with it?" He growled at the blonde, but apparently Marik didn't growl at his hikari enough, because the brat simply didn't get the hint. "You don't even know how to drive!"

"Malik, so help me, if you do not shut up, I am going to take out your intestines, wrap the around your neck, and hang you from the nearest flagpole with them." Why was he putting up with this shit? Oh yes . . . because he didn't want to have to put up with Ryou whining about him killing his best friend. But that certainly wasn't going to protect the blonde hikari if he didn't shut his trap.

Apparently the threat did the trick, because there was an audible click of teeth clashing together behind him.

"Besides," he said, bending down to examine the door lock again, "Who says I'm can't drive? It's a fairly easy process . . . no worse than taming a wild camel." Opening his coat, he pulled out his lock picks, and got to work, never seeing the widened, horrified lavender eyes behind him.

Malik attempted not to squeak in alarm with Bakura's words . . . he thought driving a car was like taming a camel? What in the world had he gotten into!

Pet's Section

"Silver, silver, silver . . . oh, here's a red one," Ryou muttered to himself. These would work, right? Why, oh why, did he need to pick these things up? What did Bakura plan on doing with them.

Maybe while he was here he should pick up some sort of spiked collar . . . with a leash.

Sighing, he chose several in a variety of colors, and then made his way to the fish tanks. They had, up until this evening, been keeping an eye on Yami and Yugi's fish while the Pharaoh and his hikari were out of town. That was, until Bakura tried to feed them.

Now, they had to replace the dead fish before Yami and Yugi came home tomorrow . . . which was going to be a pain in the ass.

"Bakura so owes me for this," he grumbled.

Outdoor Sports 101

"I'd like to see the Bowie knife," Marik asked, attempting for all the world to sound polite.

"I need to see ID that you're over the age of 18, sir," the clerk replied, looking around nervously. Marik glared at him, then sighed.

"Fine. I'd like to see the 9mm Baretta, carbonized barrel," he growled. If anything, the kid looked even more nervous.

"Ummm . . . I need to see ID for that too, sir," the kid stammered. All patience Marik had simply flew right out the window. Pulling out the Millennium Rod . . . and heaven's only knew Malik didn't know he was carrying it . . . he slid the blade out of it's sheath and slammed it on the counter.

"How's this for ID, you mortal brat!" he snarled, and then growled when the kid took one look at the blade and scampered off, running full out for gods only knew where, shouting for help, and that there was a psycho in the store with a blade. "Fucking great," he grumbled, resheathing the Rod and tucking it back through his belt loops under his jacket. "Ask to see one little blade, and they freak. What the hell is wrong with this world?"

Stalking off, he decided to go find something else to do until Ryou was done. He hoped it would be soon . . . he was starting to get bored again.

The Jeep

"Piece of cake," Bakura said, a sadistic grin lighting his features as he climbed into the driver's seat, without so much as a blip from the alarm. "This is as easy as tomb robbing . . ."

Malik was shifting from foot to foot uneasily, glancing toward the store and back to the pale yami anxiously.

"Bakura, come on . . . you proved you could break into a car, now let's get back to the Impala before we get caught!" Bakura snarled at him, fiddling with the area under the dash. He gave a brief shout of triumph as he revealed the wires before turning back to the nervous hikari.

"Go back to the fucking car then, you pathetic shit," he growled. "I'm not done yet. Once I start something, I finish it, and I'm not finished yet. Can't be a good car thief if I can't drive off in the vehicle." Malik gawked at him.

"THAT'S what this is about?" he squeaked. "You being a good thief! For crying out loud, Bakura! You went down in Egyptian history as the King of Thieves!" Bakura shrugged.

"That was then, and this is now," he replied, and set to work stripping wires, calling up what he had read on the internet about it in his head.

Malik merely stared at him in shock for a moment longer, before shaking his head.

"Fucking thief's pride," he mumbled. "Hurry up Ryou. For my own sanity, hurry up!"

Food Section – The Snack Aisle

"Last thing," Ryou said, with a grateful sigh. The last announcement over the intercom had him severely paranoid . . . something about a guy, with a knife, in the weapons section. There was only one person that could be. What kind of shit was Marik getting into?

Sorting through the cans, he frowned in disgust. How could Bakura stand this shit? And straight out of the can, too? Gods his yami was weird . . . not just twisted and sadistic, but weird! Even JOEY couldn't stomach this shit, and his blonde friend was a bottomless food pit! But if he didn't get it, Bakura would go nutso, and then there would be real problems in the house.

With a sigh, he shoved several cans into his cart, and made his way up to the checkout.

Pet Section – Bast's Revenge

"Oh, you poor things," Marik crooned, stroking his fingers over the soft fur. "They have you all locked up in here . . . I bet you don't get any exercise at all. Would you like some?" A sadistic smirk crossed his features before he bent down, scooping up an armload of kitten's and depositing them on the floor to get more.

"Your goddess must be mighty displeased with these foolish mortals," he said as he released the last one onto the tiled floor. "Time for you to have your revenge."

"HEY!" Marik stood and turned around, coming face to face with a very young, very RED store employee. He shrugged and smiled . . . just before the kid lunged for him. He deftly stepped aside, watching as the kid tripped . . . and landed among the kittens.

With yowls and angry hisses, the young cats took off for the four corners of the store, and Marik grinned. Now this was fun . . .

"YOU! Hold it right there!" Violet eyes turned to see several security people heading his way.

"Time to split," he said with a grin, and with a jaunty, sarcastic wave . . . one that included a certain finger . . . he took off for the entrance to the store.

Parking Lot - Everywhere

"Oh gods, why me?" Malik muttered, watching Bakura careen around the parking lot in his hijacked Jeep. The yami couldn't drive worth shit . . . it was pure luck that he hadn't run into anything as of yet. He'd come close several times, but luckily his reflexes were good and he'd managed to avoid hitting anything at the last possible second, meanwhile giving Malik a heart attack each and every time. He was also grinning like a maniac . . . and it looked like he was deliberately attempting to run over any old people that crossed his path.

Glancing at his watch, he noticed that only thirty minutes had passed. Gods, he felt like it had been years! Would this night never end?

He jumped backward as Bakura screeched to a halt next to him, rolling down the passenger window and grinning at him. All he needed was a knife, and he would have looked like a true maniac.

"One last thing, and I'm done, I swear," he called. "Go get me that black marker in the car!" Rolling his eyes, wondering what the hell the thief was up to now, he went to retrieve the marker.

"Please let this night end with me not in jail," he muttered, digging through the back seat.


Only one lane was open, and the attendant was working on her nails in boredom.

"Hello . . . Terri," Ryou murmured, reading the woman's name tag. "How are you this evening?"

"Bored," the woman replied, not even looking up. With a sigh, Ryou started unloading the cart, hoping to get out of here quickly.

An unholy amount of shouting filled the air, and he turned around to see Marik sprinting for the door, at least a half dozen security guards panting to keep up behind him.

"What in the world?" he murmured, chocolate eyes wide . . . before he also caught sight of the flood of kittens that were chasing the string the yami was trailing behind him. "Oh no . . ." he muttered, slapping a hand over his eyes. This had to be some sort of curse . . .

"Well, that's interesting," the checkout attendant said, finally looking up from her nails. "You know that guy?" Ryou looked back at her, shaking his head emphatically.

"Hell no," he said. She shrugged, and brought up her cash register, muttering to herself as she ran his purchases through the scanner.

"Dog chains . . . five . . ." she muttered to herself. "Spray cheese . . . three . . ." She reached for the next item and paused, before her eyes rose to look at Ryou, who was slowly turning a brilliant shade of red. "Umm . . . lube, warming KY," she said, and slid it through the scanner. "And . . ." Reaching for the last item, she completely froze, a look of complete shock crossing her features before she coughed and managed to ring it up. "And four gold fish." She deliberately kept her eyes on the cash register, but Ryou could already see her mind working, and his blush turned even brighter. Oh gods, what that whole purchase must look like . . .

'I'm going to strangle Bakura,' he thought desperately. He thrust the money out, wanting to pay for everything and get out of here before he died of embarrassment. Purchase paid for, he hurriedly grabbed the bag, and went to leave.

"Have an . . . interesting night, sir," she called after him. With hunched shoulders and a very red face, Ryou scrambled out the doors and headed for the car.

Marik was already there, giggling insanely as he told Bakura about his adventures in the store. Said thief was sprawled in the front seat, a satisfied and all too pleased look on his face. Malik was behind the wheel, looking like he'd rather be anywhere but there.

But what really caught Ryou's attention was the vehicle next to his, with lights on and music blaring at top volume, all windows down . . . and the engine not running. Scrawled across the windshield in huge black letters were the words 'The Thief King Shall Always Reign Supreme!'

"BAKURA!" His yami turned to look at him, eyes dancing gleefully.

"Did you get the chains for my pants?"