A/N: I was working on "Think before you speak" and trying to introduce Teal'c to Ben Jerry's when the whole scene was overtaken by this dialogue. It's incredibly silly, it's not in canon and I'm sure it's been done before, but hopefully it won't generate too many flames (pretty please). Tammy: our emails are probably mostly to blame!
SG-1 was finally on downtime and felt that a team evening was due. Jack had wanted to go out to O'Malley's or some other hangout in town, play a little pool maybe, but Sam and Daniel had demurred.
"Sir, I've been exhausted recently," Sam had implored. "All I want to do is settle on the couch with some snacks and watch some TV."
Daniel had agreed. "Really, I'm just not up to an evening out. We could order take out, or you could put something on the grill… Anything, I really don't mind."
Jack and Teal'c had exchanged looks, concerned. Normally Daniel was buzzing with energy and Sam always perked up at the prospects of hustling a few games at the pool table. Something must be wrong. With his usual regard for his team, Jack had conceded good-naturedly. In fact, this would be the perfect opportunity to practise his barbequing skills for the summer ahead. He smiled to himself: he really was the man to watch with lighter fluid!
Only when Jack's friends had ensconced themselves in his living room did he discover the reason behind their lethargy. He'd been conned. One of his many cable channels was showing an all night marathon of old Buffy episodes and his two favourite geeks had been desperate to stay in and watch it.
Five episodes in and Jack was ready to turn the TV off. Sadly his team mates weren't: even Teal'c had been drawn into the madness, claiming there was merit in the slayer's battle techniques. Techniques! She turned up, flaunted her body in those tight outfits and miraculously saved the day. Nothing to it.
To be fair, Jack had to admit that it was a nice body. He swallowed on his beer. Still didn't make up for five hours of fantasy though. What was it with geeks and their scifi?
Daniel glanced up as Buffy expertly staked a vampire. "So, how do you think vampires would compare against the Goa'uld, anyway?" He dipped a chip in salsa, crunched it down and then began choking. Jack smirked: he'd added extra jalapeños to the store-bought dip.
Teal'c took the question seriously. "I believe that the Goa'uld would prove a more serious threat, Daniel Jackson." He reached forward for a handful of chips of his own.
Sam objected. "Buffy doesn't just fight vampires, you know. She faces demons, witches, gods…" she paused, considering carefully. "Actually, look at the parallels. We fight gods, she fought a god; she has demons, we have unas…"
"They have The Initiative, we have the NID." Daniel flushed with excitement. "Sam you're right: it's amazing!"
"What?" Jack sighed: this didn't quite qualify as technobabble, but it wasn't much better. "The Initia-who?"
Daniel stared at him as if he were an idiot. While this wasn't entirely unfamiliar to Jack, he didn't feel the look was warranted by the situation.
"The Initiative. Season Four? The secret government agency performing research on demons, trying to find a weapon to fight back against the other demons? It's perfect."
Jack consider Daniel's statement: the NID certainly did want to get their hands on a Goa'uld.
Sam burst in again. "And the Watcher's Council is the Committee of Joint Chiefs: never taking the whole situation into account, always giving stupid orders which aren't practical in the field." She paused guiltily. "Sorry sir."
"That's quite all right, Carter. I do think however that it would be best not to repeat this conversation to anyone though. No point in advertising your insubordination to the world." With any luck, no one on the base would have to find out he'd spent the entire evening watching one of the silliest shows ever written.
"No sir. Of course."
Jack enjoyed a few minutes of blissful silence – from his team mates, at least. Now if he could somehow just change the channel…
Daniel jumped to his feet, apparently overcome by excitement. "I've got it! We're the Scooby Gang!" He looked around proudly, a huge grin on his face.
Oh. That sounded... something.
Sam appeared to share Daniel's enthusiasm. "Teal'c's Buffy, I'm Willow, and…"
"And I'm Giles. Isn't that great?"
Teal'c raised an eyebrow. "I too see the parallels. I am honoured to be compared to so gifted a warrior."
Huh. "So who am I then?"
Daniel and Sam looked sheepishly at him. Finally Sam spoke up. "You could be Xander?"
That was it. Jack exploded. "That useless wimp who gets beaten up every episode and can't get laid?" Well, he was beaten up in all five so far. "I am not Xander!" His mind struggled to remember the names.
"I should be Buffy: she's the leader after all. Teal'c… Teal'c could be Angel – they're both fierce warriors, brood lots, look younger than their real age..."
Sam and Daniel exchanged looks. "Okay Jack, you can be Buffy if you want."
Jack sat back, feeling better. He was their CO, after all, and he was pretty good at unarmed fighting techniques. Then he thought of something important. "But what about the vampires?"
Daniel looked at him blankly. "What?"
Jack began to smirk. "The vampires: you know, undead which bite? Buffy's the vampire slayer after all. Who do I slay?"
Nobody replied. For the second time that evening, Jack enjoyed the silence – of course, this time it was all the better because he'd stumped the two cleverest people in the SGC.
Sam finally spoke up. "You know sir, given the diversity of life and the number of galaxies in the universe, the chances are that there is some alien race out there who could feed upon our life force."
Jack gave her a skeptical look.
"It's possible!" she insisted.
"Sure it is, Carter."
Jack heard a mumble emitted from Daniel. "I'm sorry Danny, I didn't hear that."
Daniel repeated himself, a hard look in his blue eyes. "Maybe we should change the channel to something else?"
Jack smiled. "I think that's an excellent idea. Hockey, anyone?"
A/N Of course the definition of a vampire as a human who's body is taken over by a demon would equate quite nicely with the Goa'uld, but the parallel for the wraith was intially more obvious. Oh well.