A/N- I've been feeling really emotional over Sirius' death lately. I have no idea why but I'm starting to get worse. I'm gonna need to see a counselor pretty soon I'm sure of that. I can see it now
"ummm...ya see I'm having a hard time getting over someone who died recently."
"Oh? And who was this person"
"well...his name was Sirius Black and he wasn't entirely real."
"What do you mean"
"He's a character in a book" Bursts out in a torrent of sobs.
Oh yes that'd be a nice way to get myself sent to an insane asylums...Anyway this was written in one of those rollercoasters I call my emotions. I actually like this story and I hope you do too.Please RR!
I stand in front of the mirror in Sirius' room in 12 Grimmauld Place. Remus is beside me both of us just looking at the tired expressions we both wear. Remus,my new godfather, looks even older then when I last saw him...not that I can blame him. The streaks of gray in his hair are more pronounced now and the bags under his eyes show up even darker then they really are because of his now pale skin. And his eyes...they're darker now...and they hold hopelessness as if it takes every single piece of determination he has to get up in the morning...
My hair is longer now. It flows down to my shoulders but it's still the darkest black. My eyes...the eyes I inherited from my mother...they're still as green as always. But they're not the same. I remember they used to sparkle with life...With determination...With fire...But now they are dead...
Just like you.
The sparks of life died in Remus and myself when you fell through that veil.You were what was keeping that spark alive.
And in Remus I've found a kindred soul...This summer I've gotten so good at masking my emotions that not even Ron and Hermione can tell what I'm feeling anymore. The only one who can is Remus, and I'm thankful for that.
Remus will never be able to take your place but I'm getting another chance. Most people are lucky to get one father...
I'm getting a third.
And I'm not making the same mistakes I made with you. After I got to know Remus better in the letters we've written this summer I've made a point to tell him that I love him. I think I almost gave him a heartattack the first time I told him. He's my father...My third...My guardian wolf...And I make sure that he understands that.
I never told you that I loved you Sirius...I could never get the courage to say it. That's rich isn't it? Me. The supposed Gryffindor Golden Boy. The 'savior' of the wizarding world. I was scared! Of saying a little four-letter word. It's amazing I fight Voldie(and give him hilarious little nicknames while doing it) on an almost annual basis yet I couldn't say a few words to the only father I have ever known on how much I cared about him.
"It's ok,now." I speak softly to Remus' reflection. He raises an eyebrow wondering what could be ok now that you're gone. But I don't answer the unasked question. I turn from the mirror and begin walking around the room slowly, one hand always in contact with the wall.
It really is ok now. Thinking about you and dwelling on what could have been isn't going to help anything...
It isn't going to bring you back.
I stop by your bed. This room has not been touched since you last left it on our orders. The rest of the Order will not take this away from us. I pick up a pillow and bring it up to my nose. I breath in.
"Lillies."I whisper wonderingly.
"Sir-HE loved lillies. They reminded him of your mother." I look up at Remus,surprised.
"Was he close to my mother"
"She was like a sister to him,cub. He loved her very much. Just as he loved your father." Remus has a pensieve look on his face. "They were the most important people in the world to him. All of us were. Especially you. He loved you, Harry, ever so much. He used to talk to me about how proud he was of you. And he didn't love you because you reminded him of James. Molly had no idea what she was talking about. You were his pup. His baby boy. You were his." Remus now has tears running down his cheeks.
And I do too.
I don't cry. I just...don't. If anything was taught to me at the Dursley's it was not to cry. But I am. I bring the pillow back up smelling it again...letting the aroma cloud all my senses.
I close my eyes and as Remus comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me I pretend that it is Sirius. I pretend that he's back.
But before I can turn around I open my eyes and scold myself. Sirius is not here. He is not alive. And I can not afford to have this weakness.
Yet before I can stop myself my eyes are closed again and i'm turning around and my face is buried in Rem-NO! Sirius' shoulder. And for those moments that I let Remus hold me Sirius is back again and he's comforting me and letting me cry myself out. And I'm content because Sirius loves me and he wouldn't let a silly piece of cloth keep him from me.
But as I breath in I don't smell the lillies. The smell is gone and as is the comfort I got from being held.
And as I back away and place the pillow back on the bed I wipe the tear stains off of my cheeks. My mask is back up. My emotions locked behind a veil of their own not to come back out until I have to see my friends and pretend to be happy and carefree and completely content with my life.
I take one last look around the room knowing that I will not be coming back anytime soon. I will not come back until I know I can handle it.
Remus is already by the door and as I nod he opens it up and begins to walk out. My voice stops him however. It's low and undetermined. I don't think I've ever let anyone hear me talk like that but alas it's already out and Remus looks as me questioningly.
"It's going to be ok now ." I announce softly as I walk out the door.
But as I walk down the staircase and hear Remus' slightly heavier footsteps I know that neither of us really believe the statement I have just made.