Star Gate, Episode I: The Jaffa Menace

By Kate O'Riley

Disclaimer: Anyone familiar…ain't mine! Just the idea, that's it.

A/N: This is a continuation of my "Teal'c, the Star Wars fan" series…LOL. I'm not sure of the exact date "The Phantom Menace" came out, but since most movies come out on a Friday, I'm assuming that's it.

And the reason I know my "Star Wars" ships…well, yeah, I admit, at one point in my life I went nuts about "Star Wars". A long time ago…like, when "Stargate" (the movie) was first coming out.

To really appreciate this story, you must have seen some of the "Star Wars" movies, especially "The Phantom Menace" (or you won't get the punch line).

Fourth in a series, but I haven't written two and three yet. Yes, I know, it's weird…

"General Hammond!"

General Hammond stopped and turned, seeing the resident Jaffa coming up behind him. "Teal'c. What can I do for you?" he said, greeting the man.

"I wish to request that SG-1 is not sent on any missions that will keep us away on Friday."

"That's an unusual request, Teal'c, but your team is due for some downtime anyway. I think we can manage."

"Thank you, General Hammond."

"You're welcome, Teal'c." General Hammond watched the Jaffa turn around and leave and continued walking. Within a moment, he came upon Colonel O'Neill and Major Carter, walking together and talking. "Colonel, Major," he called.

They stopped and turned around. "Sir?" said O'Neill.

"Any idea why Teal'c asked that your team not be off-world on Friday?"

"Friday, sir?" Carter frowned. "I don't know…"

"I do," said O'Neill. He was trying to keep a straight face. "Friday, sir, happens to be the day the new 'Star Wars' movie comes out."

General Hammond frowned, confused. "Star Wars?"

"Yes, sir, Teal'c become quite a fan of it."

"Ah. Interesting."


Jack sighed and turned around. He had a pretty good idea as to what was on his friend's mind…

"What can I do for you, Teal'c?" he asked pleasantly. Too pleasantly. Teal'c stared at him. "Is something wrong, O'Neill?" he asked.

"Nothing, nothing at all. What do you need?"

Teal'c continued to stare at him, momentarily baffled. Deciding to continue on, he said "I believe there is a new 'Star Wars' movie coming out this weekend."

"Really?" O'Neill pretended to be surprised. "I believe", his foot. Teal'c knew good and well there was a new "Star Wars" movie. He'd even caught him looking on the official "Star Wars" website.

"I was wondering if you and the others would like to come with me."

"Teal'c, inviting the whole gang out for a movie? You paying?" O'Neill said, fighting the urge to grin. He knew this was coming…

Teal'c considered this. "I suppose it is possible."

"Cool. I'll come with you, all right. Ask Carter and Daniel. Oh, and Teal'c, find out what time it's on at."

"11:45, O'Neill."

O'Neill snorted. "OK, I'll pick you up at 11:15 or so."

"That is not early enough, O'Neill."

"OK, 11 then."

"That also is not early enough."

"For cryin' out loud, Teal'c, what time do you want to go to this movie at?"

"We should be in line no later then 5 o'clock."

"Five? Are you kidding?" O'Neill stared at him. "Teal'c, I understand you want to see this, but come on."

"This movie is fairly popular, O'Neill. We will not be assured seats if we do not arrive early."

"So buy tickets in advance."

"The movie theater is not selling them in advance."

"Teal'c, come on…"

"We must be there at five o'clock, O'Neill." Teal'c sounded firm.

O'Neill gave in. "All right, I'll pick you up at 4:30. You happy now?"

Teal'c merely stared at him.

"So, where's Carter and Daniel?" asked O'Neill.

"Major Carter and Daniel Jackson said they both had work to do."

"What a shame. Who would want to work on the day the new 'Star Wars' comes out?" O'Neill said sarcastically. Teal'c stared at him.

They drove in the pre-dawn darkness towards the movie theater. As they approached, O'Neill could see a line of people already waiting. "Holy smokes…"

"This movie is extremely popular, O'Neill."

"I guess."

O'Neill found a place to park and Teal'c donned his baseball cap. O'Neill stared at him in amazement. "Teal'c…mind telling me why your hat says 'Star Wars Fan Club' on it?"

Teal'c looked at him. "I am a member."

"Ooookkkaaayyy." O'Neill wasn't going to say any more about it.

They joined the end of the line. In front of them, a pair was arguing what the best ship was. Teal'c listened, interested.

"The B-wing is the best. It's sleeker and more aerodynamic," said one.

"No, the Y-wing is better. It can fold up and become just as aerodynamic," said another.

"But have you seen how easily the Y-wing gets blown apart? Come on!" said the first.

"I disagree. I believe the best ship in the Rebel fleet is a snow speeder," injected Teal'c.

The two looked at him. "You've gotta be kidding," said the first.

"No. It is not worthy of being flown in space, however, in a planetary atmosphere, it covers ground quickly and efficiently. It controls very easily, and two pilots may fit. In case one becomes incapacitated, the other can take over," Teal'c pointed out.

Jack tuned out. Where had Teal'c learned this stuff?

After what seemed like an eternity, and was actually close enough – six and a half hours – the line began to move. Shouts swept through the crowd as one by one, they bought tickets and flooded into the movie theater.

Keeping track of Teal'c – it was hard to lose someone that tall – O'Neill cautiously slipped through the crowd, trying not to be crushed by hoards of insane Star Wars fans.

He finally caught up with Teal'c at the snack counter, where Teal'c bought two packs of red licorice. Big, big packs. O'Neill had a vague memory of eating that when he was a kid and winding up with a stomachache, he'd eaten so much. "What, no popcorn?"

"I do not care for popcorn," Teal'c said.

"Oh, come on. The medium comes in a commemorative plastic bucket," said O'Neill. Teal'c eyed the bucket. "One medium popcorn," he told the man behind the counter.

Five minutes later, they were seated. The lights went out, the screen came on, and very soon thereafter, Teal'c was happily munching popcorn from his commemorative bucket (yeah, right, Mr. "I do not like popcorn"), and O'Neill was scrunched in his seat, wondering what would kill him first…the tremendously loud soundtrack, the stench of a theater crammed to capacity with people (most of whom needed a shower), or the Wookie seated next to him. On second thought, never mind the Wookie. His Jaffa was bigger.

After what seemed like an eternity, the movie was over. O'Neill had to admit, he'd begun to enjoy it. He let some of the seething mass of people exit the theater before he and Teal'c did. Teal'c stayed enraptured throughout the credits, even; he really enjoyed this.

They walked out of the theater and into the sunshine. O'Neill sniffed appreciatively. Ah, to be outdoors, away from the stench of stale popcorn under the seat and body odor. He stuck his hands in his pockets and began to whistle as he walked back to the car. About halfway there, he stopped, realizing he'd lost Teal'c.

"T? T?" Where, oh where had the big Jaffa gone, oh where, oh where could he be? O'Neill finally spotted him, at the end of the line that had already collected for the next showing.

"T? Whatcha doing?" O'Neill asked warily.

"I am standing in line, O'Neill."

"For what?"

"'The Phantom Menace', O'Neill."

"Would that happen to be the same 'Phantom Menace' we just saw, Teal'c?"

"I believe so, O'Neill."


"I wish to see it again."

"Once wasn't enough?"

"Do you not wish to see it also?"

"Not particularly." O'Neill sighed. "Tell you what, T. You got your cell phone?"

"Yes, O'Neill."

"Great. Call me when you're done."

"That will be fine."

"Better yet…" O'Neill said, spotting a couple members from SG-6. "Hey, guys! Over here!"

The two SG-6 members approached. "Colonel. What are you doing here?" one asked.

"Oh, T-man here wanted to see a movie. You guys seeing the new 'Star Wars'?"


"Great. You mind taking him along? I've…I've got work to do."

"Not a problem, Colonel."

"Thanks, that's great. Teal'c, I'll see you later."

The next day…

"Hey, Teal'c!" Sam Carter caught up with the Jaffa. "So, how was the movie?"


Carter looked at him and grinned. "Teal'c…how many times did you see it?"

"I believe I attended every showing, Major Carter."

Sam stared at him. "You're kidding?"


"Well…who's your favorite character?"

Teal'c sighed. Looking around to make sure no one was around, he lowered his head and said in a low voice, "I believe it is the alien in the movie, who goes by the name of Jar Jar Binks."

The End

A/N: Standard procedure, people! Read and review! To quote someone else I saw, "Flames will be used to power Teal'c staff weapon." This was a bit of fun, brought to you by the one, the only, Kate O'Riley!