Hey everyone! This is my first fan-fic for "Lost" (actually, it is my first fan-fic period), so I would appreciate your reviews. You also may notice that the characters' personalities are different, so I have to tell you something: get over it. This is just supposed to be funny. So please enjoy-Yours truly, Romen


Shannon put the small receiver to her ear. "It's saying... 'Hey man, you are all about to die. Get the heck out of here. So beat it, beat it, just beat it, beat it, before you run into this thriller in the night."

Michael found out about Sun's English speaking skills, though everyone else is kept in the dark.

Jack and Sawyer began to argue over Kate's affection.

Kill Boone!

"Kate loves me!" Jack cried, his face reddening. Kate put her hands over her ears and started crying.

"You're wrong, Jack; the girl loves me." Sawyer smiled cockily. "Isn't that right, Kate?"

"You're nuts!" Jack snapped. "She loves me!" He turned to look at the brunette. "Isn't that right, Kate?"

Kate sighed, her face revealing how distraught she truly was. The whole jungle seemed silent, anticipating her answer.

"Actually," Kate began slowly, wiping away her tears, "I don't love either of you."

Jack and Sawyer looked at each other, and then turned back to Kate.

"You don't love either of us?" they said in unison.

Kate sighed again. "Boone, you can come out now."

Boone stepped out from behind a tree and put his arm around Kate's waist.

"Boone and I have just recently admitted our true feelings for each other," Kate said, leaning her head on Boone's shoulders. "We both agreed that we can't keep fooling ourselves any longer."

At that moment, Sayid came by. He examined Kate and Boone's position. "What's going on here?" he asked.

"Kate and I love each other," Boone said confidently. "We just informed Jack and Sawyer."

"I tattooed your name onto my arm!" Sawyer cried in frustration. "It was really painful, since I was using a dirty needle and ink from a pen!"

"And I sewed a leaves onto all of my shirts with your name written on them in permanent marker," Jack said sadly. "Are you telling me that I did all of this for nothing when your affections lied with that!"

"You can't sway me from my decision," Kate replied, looking at Boone with a slight smile on her lips. "Come with me, my darling. We need to spend some time alone."

Sayid gagged as they walked away together.

"I hate him," Sawyer muttered. "I think that it's time that someone taught that little whelp a lesson."

"I totally agree with you, but what do you propose we do?" Sayid crossed his arms, a bemused look crossing his face. "Out here, in the jungle, with no possible means of finding the correct tools..."

"You don't need tools to humiliate someone and beat the crap out of them," Sawyer snapped. "What about you, Doc? Are you going to join us?"

"Yes." Jack's voice was terse. "But we're not just going to humiliate him: we're going to kill him!"

The three decided to go to Locke with their problem, knowing that he knew everything and would be able to help them kill Boone. The old (yet young) man sat on a rock in the middle of a clearing, his eyes closed, his breathing even. A look of peace and serenity was on his face.

"Hey, are you awake?" Sawyer asked, flicking Locke on the back of his head. "We need some help."

Locke opened his eyes suddenly. "I was meditating."

"Meditating, sleeping, they're the same thing." The red neck smirked. "We need your help."

Locke observed that Sawyer, Jack, and Sayid were there, and he suddenly realized that it must be important if these three had joined forces. He stood up and grabbed his knife, wondering what had happened.

"What do you need help with?" he asked, as Sun and Jin passed by and sat down together. They were tired, for Jin had been fishing all day and Sun had been doing...uh...whatever she does all day, which was really tiring work.

"We're going to kill Boone," Sayid said simply. Locke cocked one eyebrow higher than the other.

"And how are you doing to do that?"

"Well, that's where you come in." Jack looked Locke straight in the eyes. The hunter's face wore a disturbed and confused expression.

"Why do you want to kill Boone?" he asked.

Sawyer shrugged. "Let's just say that it's a conflict of interests."

"What do you think is going on?" Jin asked his wife in Korean. She pulled out her Korean-English, English-Korean dictionary.

"Since I don't know English, I'm not really sure, but it appears as if Jack, Sawyer, and Sayid are asking Locke to help them kill Boone! But as I said, I don't know English."

"I wonder why they would want to do that! I have to admit, sometimes I have wondered if I should do the same thing, but..."

"I think that it's a conflict of interests. But, then again, I don't know English."

Locke glanced at them all, a mischievous look coming across his face. "Very well then. I think that I can help you." He began to walk farther into the jungle. He turned around to look at them, that same smiled on his freaky face. "Come on."

The three looked at him, then obediently followed.

They walked for several hours, each of them obediently following Locke, who hadn't said anything since they had left the clearing. None of them had tried to create conversation.

Suddenly, Locke stopped. The other's dug their heals into the ground to avoid knocking into each other.

"Look at the beautiful bird behind you!" Locke cried.

They all turned, searching the trees for a bird, when they heard a loud thwack as something hit them on the back of their heads. Darkness took them...