A/N: Ah. It was just a matter of time before this happened, really. Here it is: The Official Fanfiction University of Cats. Inspired by the wonderful Miss Cam and her OFUM, this is an authorized spin-off and no reason to report me for plagiarizm. Ok? Ok.

Disclaimer: CATS no belong to me. CATS belong to T.S. Eliot and Andrew Lloyd Webber. The concept of fanfiction universities no belong to me. The concept of fanfiction universities belong to Miss Cam. Honour Miss Cam, for Miss Cam is great! .:nods:.

NOTE: This OFU is based on the London production of Cats. Although other versions will probably show up from time to time, this is what I will focus on. Just so you know. :)

One: A Very Bad Beginning

Joanna Swanson, fanfiction writer extraordinaire, was sitting in front of her computer, completely engulfed in her latest story. It was a thirty-chapter long epic about the fantastic love-story between the Magical Mr. Mistoffelees and her own character Kateryn Moonbeam Starsong, and Joanna was extremely proud of this story.

She was listening to the sweet sounds of the Rum Tum Tugger singing on her CD-player. His song about Mistoffelees had been on repeat ever since she'd gotten the CD on her birthday, which had been three months ago. She had probably annoyed her family quite a bit (her brother had even threatened with snapping the CD in half while she was at school) but Joanna cared not for their complaints. She forgot everything when she was writing.

Misto took Kateryn in his muscular arms and together they sang their joy of bein togethur again finally "Oh I was so worried about you!" said Misto and looked at her adoringly. "Never leave me again!" "I wont my sweet!" said Kateryn. "I love you" and they kissed for a long time, and then Tugger came and he said "Congrtulations man I hope your happy" and then the kittens came and Ectera screamed at Tugger and jumped up and down. BUT!

Joanna paused, her fingers hovering over the keyboard. She wanted to have one last, final point before she finished the story, but she wasn't sure on how to do it. After having pondered for a short while, she shrugged and wrote:

Cassandra was looking at them from behind a dumpster and she glared at them and she said to herself "I'll go and tell macavty, and hell kill them! I hate Kateryn!" But then Mungojerry and Rumpelteaser came and they hit Cassadnra in her head and she passed out LOL!

"Done!" Joanna exclaimed happily and leaned back in her chair. She pressed Ctrl+S to save, but instead of the familiar 'cling!' sound she usually got when she saved, she heard an annoyed voice from somewhere nearby.

"Why do they always pick on me? What did I ever do?"

Joanna looked around. She was alone in her room. On the other hand, the voice didn't sound as if it had come from her room, but from the outside. The backyard? She got up from her chair and looked out the window.

Moonlight shone down on the small patch of grass, illuminating two dark figures that stood there. They were looking up at her window; she could see their eyes glinting in the darkness. Joanna's heart stopped beating for a moment. The figures didn't look human.

She rubbed her eyes, and when she looked out again, the figures had disappeared.

'Maybe I haven't been sleeping properly,' Joanna though to herself.

She looked at the clock beside her bed. The red digits read half past one in the morning. It was definitely time for bed. Joanna went back to her computer to turn it off. Before she did that, however, she posted her newly written story on Fanfiction Dot Net. It took her about one minute. Joanna smiled contentedly. In the morning she would have at least five new reviews, all praising her for her hard work...

There was a faint 'cling!' sound from her computer. Suddenly, a new document had turned up on her desktop. It was marked "OFUC, please read." Joanna stared at it for a moment, and then she double-clicked. She read:

Good evening, miss Swanson.
It has come to our attention that you write so called 'badfic' within the much-esteemed Cats fandom. This does not please the Jellicles in the least. They have become extremely annoyed with you, and it is hard to deal with annoyed Jellicles. Therefore you have been enrolled to the Official Fanfiction University of Cats, to learn how to appreciate the work of T.S. Eliot, and stop with your preposterous writing. Thank you.
Miss Minnaloushe
Course-Coordinator of OFUC

When Joanna scrolled down, she could see page after page with text, questions, she saw when she looked closer. Very, very odd questions.


Joanna laughed to herself. This was probably some lark e-mailed to her by one of her faithful reviewers, as a joke. All right, if they wanted to play, she'd play. She filled in.

Joanna, 16, Female

The next question puzzled her a bit. "Species: Human/Jellicle/Pollicle"? Human it was. She bolded the letters and went on.

Lust Object: Munkustrap/Macavity/The Rum Tum Tugger/ Mistoffelees/Other (please specify)

That was easy. She bolded "Mistoffelees" and added a bunch of "'Favourite character'," she mumbled to herself. "Easy. Misto, of course!"

It went on like that for pages. Joanna answered inquiries such as "How many times have you seen the show live?" and "Do you own the soundtrack?" but also strange things like "Of you met Bustopher Jones on the street, how would you greet him and why?" At the end she wasn't really sure on what she was writing, her eyes seemed to fall together by themselves. When it was all answered the closed the document and went to bed.

When the computer 'cling!'ed again and the mysterious document disappeared just as suddenly as it had turned up, Joanna was already fast asleep.

"Honestly, Old Deuteronomy, can't we clean up a little bit of this mess?"

The bespectacled woman kicked an old bubble-gum wrapping the size of a newspaper out of the way and looked questioningly at the Jellicle leader.

"My dear miss Minnaloushe," said Old Deuteronomy patiently. "This IS a junkyard. Cleaning it would be a rather challenging task, I'm afraid."

Miss Minnaloushe sighed. "But we'll get students here soon," she pointed out. "Is this going to be my university? A huge pile of junk?"

"It looks like it. Unless you want to clean it up all by yourself..."

"No." Miss Minnaloushe scratched her chin. "I'll think of something. Are the cars ready?"

Old Deuteronomy nodded. "My toms did a good job with getting them here." There was pride in his voice. "Five of them, not counting the original TSE 1. Will that be enough, you think?"

"We'll see." Miss Minnaloushe sat down on the hat that usually served as Bustopher Jones' spot whenever he came to visit. She stretched out her legs and groaned. "This job will be the death of me, I just know it. And we have students coming soon... You think everything's ready for them?"

The old tom shrugged, a very human gesture. "We can hope, my dear. We are working very hard, and I think we're making progress."

The woman perked up. "Really? Do you mean that you've actually gotten everyone to cooperate? Together? As a team?"

Old Deuteronomy coughed. "In a matter of speaking, yes. I... managed to get them all to sit down for a nice game of cards."

Miss Minnaloushe's grey eyes widened. "Cards?" she repeated. "Oh no..."


The course coordinator knew the source of that voice long before she had turned around. She sighed deeply at the tortoise-shell kitten who was running up to her.

"Yes, Etcetera?"

The kitten's face was scrunched up in a discontented grimace, and she gesticulated wildly at the middle of the junkyard, where a ginger tomcat sat and smirked at the neat pile of coins in front of him. Around him sat the entire Jellicle tribe, 30-odd cats who were all glaring at him. He waved satisfiedly at miss Minnaloushe when she looked his way.

"Macavity is a cheater!" yelled Etcetera and stomped her paw on the ground.

"Of course I am!" the ginger tom replied, unruffled. "I am Macavity, the Hidden Paw, the Napoleon of Crime! Haven't you heard my song? I always cheat."

"But that's not fair!" howled Etcetera. "Jenny! Jelly! Is that fair!"

The two orange queens sighed in perfect unison from their place on top of the giant tire.

"Macavity," said Jellylorum patiently. "I would so prefer it if you stopped tricking the kittens for money. Save it for the students."

"I warned you and warned you again, Etcetera," said Jennyanydots and shook her head. "'Don't play cards with Macavity,' I said. 'He will skin you to the bone,' I said. But did the kits listen? NO. Because the kitten always knows best."

"I thought I had him this time!" Etcetera pouted.

"You'll never have me!" yelled Macavity gleefully and collected his winnings. "For I am Macavity, the Napoleon "

"of Crime, the Hidden Paw," chorused Demeter and Bombalurina. "Yeah, we know."

Macavity glared at Demeter. "And who put a penny in you, poppet?"

Demeter went pale and hid behind Munkustrap, who patted her comfortingly on the head. Miss Minnaloushe stood up.

"People!" she called out, and a few cats hissed. "Right, sorry. I mean, felines." The inhabitants of the junkyard looked at her. "We don't have time for this," the course coordinator said. "The students will come tomorrow, and we have to get along. Even Macavity." She looked at him sternly.

The ginger tom snorted. "I don't like to get along."

"So I've gathered. But you bloody well learn to like it, or I will watch as your fangirls glomp you, and I won't lift a finger to help. Is that clear?"

Macavity smirked lazily. "Please. I am the most dangerous cat in London. I am not afraid of a couple of humans."

Miss Minnaloushe didn't budge. "I know that. You know that. The Jellicles know that. But the fanfic-writers..." She sighed dramatically. "They think that you are really just a mischievous tom that needs a big hug. And big bad though you may be, you will NOT be able to stand against them when they come after you. If you don't pull yourself together, none of us will pay you any attention whatsoever when you run screaming from them."

"Hear, hear!" bellowed Munkustrap, who was still comforting the terrified Demeter.

Macavity looked at the woman in contempt, but there was a flicker of fear in his yellow eyes. "Fine," he muttered. "I'll... behave."

"Good." Miss Minnaloushe turned around the Jellicles. "The rest of you, be on your guard. Have your claws sharpened."

"Miss Minnaloushe?" said a voice from behind her.

It was so sudden that she jumped, and her wings unfolded ever so slightly. Slowly, miss Minnaloushe turned around. She quickly noticed that the voice was in fact two voices, except that they had spoken in such perfect unison that it had sounded like one. It was Coricopat and Tantomile, of course. They looked at her patiently. She pulled herself together.

"Yes?" she said, stroking back a strand of brown hair from her face. "What is it?"

"Mistoffelees sent us," murmured Coricopat.

"The Magician is ready to call them here," filled in Tantomile.

"He says it won't take long..."

"Everyone have already filled in their enrolment papers..."

"All he needs is your permission," they finished together.

"Ah. All right." Miss Minnaloushe swallowed. The Twins always creeped her out just a little bit. "Fine. I'll come."

As she followed them towards the far end of the junkyard, where Mistoffelees was waiting, the nervousness she had felt the whole afternoon made itself known again. So, she was going to run this university? By herself? Well no, obviously not, she'd have all the cats helping her out, of course, but she'd be alone even so. Her wings folded and unfolded continuously, and her hands were shaking a bit.

'Calm down,' she told herself. 'They'll be more afraid of you than you are of them.'

She couldn't help but smirking. Of course they would be. She'd make an... impression on the students, all right, once they arrived. She wouldn't allow them to make her nervous. They weren't worth it.

Miss Minnaloushe nodded at Mistoffelees, who was standing completely wreathed in blue lightning. Stars glittered in his black coat, and his dark eyes shone. Any fangirl would have fainted.

"Go ahead, Mistoffelees," said the course coordinator. "We're ready."

'After all,' she thought with satisfaction. 'It can't be all that bad. Right?'

A/N: Enrolment information can be found in my profile. ALL ENROLMENTS MUST BE E-MAILED TO ME. Anyone daring to enrol in a review will be electrocuted by Mistoffelees. That all clear? Good.