Disclaimer: Anybody for tea is property Baker's Plays and CSI is property of whoever owns it.
A/N: My school drama club is doing the play Any Body for Tea? It's a crazy murder mystery about a bunch of old spinster ladies who start killing each other off to get the hot homicide detective from across the street to come over. While watching CSI, and thinking that all the guys were pretty darn hot and my mind began to wander, a very dangerous thing. Thus, the hilarity was born.
Brass sat at his desk, filing through a mound of paperwork. It was late on a Friday night and he was eager to get home. Filling out the last line on the last form, he stood up and reached for his briefcase. He could sort and file the papers on Monday.
Brass jumped as the door slammed open. Grissom, followed by Nick, Warrick, and Greg raced in, breathless.
"We need a transfer!" they shouted in unison.
"Preferably to the East Coast." Grissom added.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, boys hang on a minute. A transfer, what are you talking about?"
Nick sat down, panting.
"It's a matter of life and death." he explained.
Brass looked unconvinced, but perplexed and slightly amused.
"Life and death, mhm, I see. Would any of you care to explain to me what the hell is going on?"
The four of them looked slightly embarrassed and glanced about at each other, passing "you tell him, I'm sure as heck not going to" looks.
Finally, Grissom stepped forward.
"Well, Brass, it's like this." he began. "There's this old house, 909 Sycamore. A house at least a century old. However it was right across the street from the O'Brian case."
"Double homicide, I remember. The wife came home early. Go on."
"Well, in this house lives six elderly spinster ladies."
"A bunch of Peeping Toms!" Greg added vehemently.
"Elizabeth, what are they doing now?" Amantha called to the elderly woman standing on a chair underneath a window. Elizabeth held a pair of binoculars and was peering out of the window at the investigation going on across the street.
"One of them is in his undershirt!" Elizabeth exclaimed.
"Which one?" Lucy asked, tugging on Elizabeth's sleeve, hoping to get a turn with the binoculars.
"Tall, dark, and studly."
"Ah," said Hildegard, the owner of the boarding house. "That'd be Warrick. What's Grissom doing?"
"He went inside the house."
Hildegard tried not to look too dejected.
"What about Nick?" Nettie asked, craning her neck as far as her old bones would allow. "What's he doing?"
Elizabeth smiled mischievously.
"He's moving the equipment. You can see his mussels flexing up, and up and…"
Lucy placed her fingers in her ears and squealed:
"Oh stop, it! I can't stand it anymore!"
"Quiet Lucy. Someone new just arrived. Oh, he's young, the youngest by far. He has this adorable hair, blond, and rather spiky. He's just your type Lucy my dear."
Lucy reached up, but being the shortest of the boarders was not able to snatch the binoculars from Elizabeth.
"Oh, look, Grissom just came out of the house."
Hildegard had had enough.
"Give me those binoculars!"
"They're my binoculars!" Birdie shouted, and attempted to snatch them from Elizabeth.
"It's my window, and it's my house!" Hildegard argued.
"But it's my turn!" Amantha wined.
Elizabeth sighed and lowered the binoculars.
"Never mind now, they left." She climbed down from the chair, her old bones creaking. "It was a grand sight. If we could just afford more powerful binoculars…"
Birdie sighed as she eased herself onto the couch.
"I'd like to really see them."
Lucy sat down next to her, wincing as her hips cracked.
"We've watched them go in, and out…"
"…and watched Nick carry the equipment…" Nettie added.
"And that, for weeks now." Lucy agreed.
"But I want to really see them. Up close!"
"So would I." Elizabeth said, casting one last wistful glance at the window before seating herself in a dusty antiquated armchair. "We don't even know what color their eyes are."
"If you don't know, nobody knows." said Lucy cooly. "You have the binoculars most of the time."
"I'd like to hear their voices too." Birdie's voice sounded as if she was about to swoon.
"Well," Nettie began timidly. "How can we get close to them unless we actually go across the street and…and…"
"And what, Nettie?" Hildegard asked coldly.
"Well, couldn't we pay them a neighborly visit?"
Hildegard was shocked that Nettie would suggest something so scandalous.
"Nettie, nice ladies do not go visiting gentlemen!"
"Well, let's invite them to tea." Elizabeth suggested.
"That would be improper," Hildegard scolded. "Inviting over gentlemen when we have not been introduced."
six spinsters thought for a moment, trying their hardest to come up
with proper ways to get the gentlemen's attention.
"I've got it!" Amantha exclaimed. "We'll have to make them come here for a visit. We'll have to arrange it somehow."
"How?" Nettie asked, intrigued. Hildegard eyed them skeptically.
"If they were plumbers," mused Lucy. "We could stop up the sink."
"If they were electricians," mused Elizabeth. "We could blow a fuse."
"But they're not plumbers or electricians," Amantha interjected grimly. "They're Crime Scene Investigators."
Nettie sighed and looked about dimly, as if hopping to find the answer behind the couch or under an end-table.
"That's simple. All we need is a body."
Nettie paused, and turned to her, confused.
"A dead body, that is."
"Where are we going to get a dead body?" Elizabeth asked.
Amantha's grin widened further as she looked upon her house-mate. The others, catching on smiled as well. Elizabeth's eyes filled with dread as she also caught on.