Synopsis: Episode Fix for Jacob and Selmak in Threads. Note don't read if you haven't seen the episode.
Rating: PG-13 - swearing, naturally
Comments: I've always thought Selmak was female, even though Symbiotes are genderless, and that it caused Jacob Carter no end of heartache listening to Selmak's female intitution, as Selmak was a fun-loving female, and well... Jake was Jake.. I'm also unhappy with what happened to Jacob and Selmak in Threads so I decided to FIX IT! I'm also having a devil of time getting this site to accept my punctuation for some reason, so please bear with me.
The General was annoyed. He was wearing his dress blues with all his little medals and insignia, and he was sitting by a pool. There were two large muscularly built men that were energetically fanning a young blonde female sitting next to him. The blonde was busy reading The Dummies' Guide to Ascension and she was busy highlighting the important parts.
"I want an explanation," he snapped. "I think I deserve one, therefore I'm getting one."
"Oh hush, Jacob," said the blonde female next to him.
"I deserve an explanation, Selmak!" Jacob snapped. "This isn't right! I've been shanghaied, Selmak!"
"You haven't been shanghaied," Selmak answered patiently, as she sipped the last of her drink.
"Don't you think that there's a major problem, Selmak?" Jacob snapped.
"My drink is empty," she pouted. "That's my major problem."
"Selmak, we died, why am I here? Sitting by a pool with you? My afterlife didn't include you," Jake returned.
For a moment, Selmak's expressive face showed how much that comment truly hurt ger, but then she just wrinkled her nose at Jacob.
"Yes, I know, fluffy clouds, halo, wings, harp lessons and your wife would be there," Selmak retorted. "But we ascended, Jacob. We didn't die!"
"But I want an explanation. Why do you look like that? Why am I am wearing my dress uniform?"
"And I'd like another cool drink," said the blonde who was wearing an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini, that she wore for the first time today.
"Is that a belly button ring?" Jake questioned, staring at Selmak's glittery navel.
"Yes, you like it?" Selmak asked.
She put down The Dummies' Guide, and stood up to model her belly button ring.
"No, I don't," Jake snapped.
"Samantha's got one," Selmak retorted.
"She better not," Jake snapped even as Selmak grimaced.
She sat back down into her lounge chair and picked up the newspaper and sighed. Apparently Jake and Samantha still weren't telling each other everything. A waiter promptly dropped off a cold drink, and Selmak took a nice long sip. She gave a contented purr and motioned for the boys to keep fanning her.
"I still have questions!" Jacob complained.
"Jake, I can't explain to you why George has more medals than you do," Selmak said. "Want some of my peach slush? It's really quite good."
"Not that," Jake snapped. "What am I doing here? What are you doing over there? And what are you wearing?"
"I'm sitting by the pool, and I am now reading the "ASCENSION TIMES" and I'm having a nice cool drink. I'm wearing an itsy bitsy teenie weenie yellow polka-dot bikini that I wore for the first time today! Waiter, would you mind bringing my friend a nice cup of coffee? He hasn't had one in years," she giggled. "Can you put some suntan lotion on my back? I don't want to burn, Jake. I'll do the top of your head if you want."
"SELMAK," Jake roared, nearly scaring the waiter into dropping Jacob's coffee.
"JACOB!" Selmak impersonated Jacob perfectly, including the throbbing neck vein. "You need to relax."
"Selmak, we're dead," Jake protested.
"Jacob, we're not. We ascended. Just before we were about to hit your heaven, I heard Danny saying, "Quick guys! Take the left!" and so I did," Selmak explained.
"The reason why I ascended instead of going to heaven is because of you?" Jake roared.
Selmak sighed as she realized that she'd have to listen to Carter bitch for eternity now.
"We've got work to do, Jacob," Selmak protested. "We can still help our friends; we've just got to be circumspect."
"Circumspect? You?" Jake screeched.
In all fairness, Jacob Carter was having a bad day. He had just met his daughter's fiancée, said goodbye to his daughter and his son, had shuffled off his mortal coil and instead of ending up in Heaven, he had ascended with Selmak. It was like going on vacation, reserving a five star hotel and due to a mix-up with the clerk, you got stuck in the Holiday Inn with a creaky bed, no air conditioning and no pool.
Selmak, being rather forgiving of Jacob's personality quirks, even though she naturally had none, decided she should explain things to Jake.
"According to The Dummies' Guide of Ascension, we pick our own forms to represent ourselves. So I could be a big glowy thing, but I picked this form so I could talk to you," Selmak said. "Plus I have opposable thumbs so I can work on our website, Jake. It is getting a lot of hits this past week. We broke our record for hits last week!"
"You're the only top secret Tok'Ra agent that I know of that has their own website," Jake protested.
"I did it for you, silly, but I don't know if I want to update it anymore. We're getting a lot of hits this past week, but all those vultures that are hitting my site now, are finding us by yahoo-ing "SELMAK IS DEAD". That's MEAN!" Selmak snapped.
Jacob wisely said not a word, and so Selmak went back to her newspaper and her cold drink, while Jacob pondered if he could do something about his hairline in his ascended form. Then Selmak gave a short shrill gasp of excitement which nearly caused him to knock over his coffee.
"Jacob! They've got a gossip page and we're mentioned as the latest to ascend! And Mommy commented on how proud she was of me and you as we saved Earth 2,423 times last year alone! Jake! Mommy's here!"
Jake could never get used to the idea that Selmak called Egeria Mommy, but who was he to complain? More importantly, who the hell was he supposed to complain to?
"Oh Jake, it gets even better! They've got shuffleboard lessons!"
Jake Carter growled and Selmak sighed. She loved her host, truly she did, but he was a bit of a party pooper.
"How about PARASAILING?" Selmak pleaded. "Please? We can probably grab the last spot for today? It'll be fun!"
"NO, I had to practice parachuting out of airplanes, and I won't strap on a parachute for fun," Jake retorted.
Selmak put her paper up to hide her face, but Jacob knew that Selmak was mimicking him and sticking her tongue at him.
"Don't stick your tongue out at me, young lady," Jacob ordered.
"Who me?" Selmak questioned, her face still hidden behind her paper.
"They told me that symbiotes are genderless, did anyone bother telling Selmak that?" He questioned the uncaring universe, which to no one's surprise, responded not.
"I was in a female host for 1,995 years, Jacob, and I was in a male host for six, you do the math," Selmak retorted.
The two newly ascended sat at the pool for a bit, and Jake watched as two ascendants knocked a third into the pool. The dunkee quickly changed into a glowy thing... much to the disapointment of everyone watching, as they had hoped that he would have cannon balled his way into the pool. Jake sighed again, and tried to change his physical form.
"You're not wearing THAT," Selmak snapped. "Go back to the dress uniform. I refuse to sit near you if you're going to wear black socks and sandals. And what the hell did you do to your hair? Change it! Bald is beautiful, but that... that haircut is scary."
"I'm still getting a hang of this," Jake protested.
"We're ASCENDED, Jacob. Why can't you be happy? I know there's someone here who wants to say hello," Selmak teased.
"Mommy?" Jake snapped.
"Well, besides Mommy."
"Who? Let me guess, George ascended," Jake sighed, as Selmak had liked George too much for Jake's comfort. "Bra'tac?"
"No silly... but George is going to Ascend soon if he does another stupid thing like he did on the Prometheus. I can't believe Walter wouldn't give him mouth to mouth. But Jacob…. Janet's here..."