Disclaimer: I own nothing pertaining to Lord of the Rings. This story was written for entertainment purposes only.
The Mirkwood Sector was very quiet at night, scurrying arachnids aside. The Elves were in their homes, pleasantly occupied making arrows, sharpening their spears, or watching television. The bumbling Dwarven tourists had retired to their hotels, hauling their souvenirs with them. Mirkwood Mansion was the quietest place of all, since Prince Legolas insisted on getting his beauty sleep every night.
And then, deep in the bowels of the beautiful house, a telephone rang.
Erestor, doorkeeper, housekeeper, polisher of cutlery, and unappreciated, overworked, underpaid slave (if you asked him), answered it. Being woken up in the middle of the night had not exactlymade him that happiest person in the world. "What?" he snapped.
"Hello, Erestor. How wonderful it is to hear your cheery voice once again," said Lord Elrond dryly.
Erestor rubbed his eyes and yawned. "Please get to the point. I'm in the middle of inventorying his Highness's socks." A lie, but one that was almost true. Of late he had taken to mentally counting socks to get himself to sleep. Other people counted sheep... hah.
"I would not have woken you," said Elrond, not fooled a bit, "but I was reading through the Mary-Sue Ban of '67, and I noticed a pertinent fact. A fact that Prince Legolas should be immediately alerted to, I fear."
"You were reading the Ban of '67?" Everyone had heard of the Ban, of course, – it was what protected them from rampaging otherwordly females– but Erestor didn't know that anyone had actually read it. This new piece of information led him to believe that Elrond was as starved of entertainment as himself. "What was this 'pertinent fact'?" he asked.
"Well..," began Elrond reluctantly, "um... you know how Mary-Sues aren't allowed to enter Middle-Earth?"
"Well, it would seem that they are allowed to enter Middle-Earth. On one certain day."
Erestor noticed that Elrond started his sentences with 'well' when he was worried about something. "What day would that be?" he demanded.
"Well, February fourteenth," said Elrond.
"That seems an arbitrary date," said Erestor.
"It's what they called 'Valentine's Day'. They associate romantic stuff with it," said Elrond.
"And this is pertinent because...?"
"Because tomorrow's February fourteenth," said Elrond reluctantly.
"Thanks for the warning," snarled Erestor. "That leaves us with about five hours to get ready!"
"Actually, it leaves you with twenty minutes. These people do not begin their days at sunrise, as we do, but in the middle of the night." Elrond sounded a bit gloating to Erestor, but then, Erestor was feeling rather cynical at this moment.
Erestor smashed the telephone back into its cradle. Then he pulled on a dressing gown and hurried up flights and flights of stairs to the main sleeping quarters. He found the door to Legolas's bedroom and banged on it, feeling spitefully glad to be able to pass on the bad news.
After a few moments, Legolas emerged. He was wearing silken blue pajamas, his blonde hair was tousled, and his grey eyes were only half open. "What's going on? Are we under attack?"
Erestor smirked. "Not yet," he said.
Legolas was handling the news quite well. It had certainly caused him to wake up in a hurry. He was currently in the process of simultaneously issuing orders, brushing his hair, and drinking something alcoholic.
Erestor came back from switching on the security systems and letting the big mean dogs loose in the lawn. "Anything else you'd like me to do?" he asked, yawning again.
"How many guests are staying here at the moment?" asked Legolas, pouring himself some more of his drink.
"Five," replied Erestor immediately. "King Thranduil, Aragorn, Faramir, Gimli and Glorfindel."
"Maybe you should wake them up and warn them too," said Legolas. "I'll need all the reinforcements I can get."
Erestor trudged off, muttering to himself.
Legolas went back into his bedroom and pulled out his bow from where he'd cleverly hidden it under his pillow. He rummaged around in his closet, selected his favorite quiver of arrows, and put it on. Then he went back into the hall.
At that moment, the pandemonium began.
Legolas ran to the window, which was actually just an arrow slit, and peeked out. He saw an Elf dashing across the lawn, kicking off dogs, and yelling, "It's me! Haldir! Help!"
The burglar lights came on and the grounds were flooded in their brilliance. To Haldir's credit, he did not freeze, but lunged for cover. Legolas quickly called off the dogs before the marchwarden could be ripped to shreds.
"What's going on?" asked Thranduil, appearing at Legolas's side. "Erestor said something about Mary-Sues being allowed to enter Middle-Earth on the fourteenth of February. Is that true?"
"I think so, but we can check," said Legolas. "Erestor," he yelled down the hall, "would you let Haldir in?"
"Why, certainly!" Erestor yelled back, and went down the stairs to the door.Haldir was pounding on it. He unlocked the door with much disgruntled slamming of bolts and rattling of keys, and eventually the marchwardenc ame tumbling inside.
"Are you quite all right, Haldir?" shouted Legolas down the stairs.
"The Ban, the Ban," gasped Haldir from the floor. "Is it true?"
By now, Gimli, Glorfindel, Faramir and Aragorn had congregated in the hallway, appearing quite strained. King Thranduil took charge. "You have a copy of the Ban, don't you, Legolas?" he asked.
Legolas nodded. "It's in my office," he said.
They all went down to Legolas's office. Legolas pulled out his copy from a drawer and scanned it rapidly. Then he announced, "Yes, Lord Elrond was right. There's a proviso here that says that Mary-Sues are free to enter Middle-Earth on February the fourteenth."
There was a very brief silence, and then the seven others began talking/panicking at once.
"Obviously, we should begin by assessing our situation calmly," said Thranduil.
"I'm doomed!" cried Haldir.
"Is this place defensible?" asked Aragorn.
"It's only twenty-four hours; what's the worst they can do?" asked Glorfindel.
"They'll all be after Legolas," said Gimli. "No one cares about the Dwarves."
"I'm going back to bed," said Erestor. "Don't wake me up unless it's urgent."
"Under the Ban, are we allowed to fight them?" asked Faramir.
"Yes," said Legolas firmly, in answer to the last question. "We can most definitely fight them. The Ban states clearly that if they actually come to Middle-Earth, instead of simply sending us contracts, any injuries they sustain are their own fault."
"That's good, then," said Gimli. Legolas noticed that he had his axe with him. He was also wearing chain mail. 'What interesting nightwear,' the Elf mused.
At that moment, the clock struck midnight. As it was a digital clock, it didn't exactly strike, just beeped quietly. The seven all stared at it worriedly. Then Glorfindel stuck his head out the window. The grounds were still reassuringly devoid of females.
"We still have some time," said Legolas, leaving his study and hurrying down to his armory. The others followed him. "They'll have to get through the Mirkwood Sector if they want me, and it has been designed so that Mirkwood Mansion is very difficult to find."
The armory was quite large. Legolas handed out weapons to the others. Finally only he and Haldir were left in the room. Legolas asked him, "Why did you come here?"
"Lord Elrond telephoned me first," said Haldir. "He said that any Sues who wanted me would go the Lothlorien Sector first, and that if I came here, I had a better chance of survival."
"You got here quickly," said Legolas, giving the marchwarden a quiver full of arrows.
"I took the train," said Haldir.
"Oh, be careful with those arrows, by the way," said Legolas. "They're very hi-tech."
"Is that why they have flashing lights and buttons along their sides?" asked Haldir.
"Yes." Legolas nodded. "They don't actually do anything different; they just look cooler."
Haldir exited the armory happily. Hi-tech weapons make people feel safer.
Erestor appeared in the doorway, telephone in hand. "Halbarad wants to buy the movie rights for this, Prince Legolas," he said.
"He said he'd call it Legolas's Last Stand." Erestor was smirking again. "What should I tell him?"
"Tell him to drop dead," said Legolas. He stepped out the armory and locked the door behind him. "Have you seen any sign of the Sues?"
"Not yet," said Erestor.
The two Elves went back upstairs. "You should get an elevator installed," panted Erestor, as they reached the highest level.
"Nah, I hate the things," said Legolas.
Suddenly, there was a scream and lots of barking and snarling. Legolas and Erestor recognized this to be the sound of a girl who has just climbed over a fence into a lawn patrolled by big savage dogs.
"They're here!" yelled Faramir from where he was standing by the window, binoculars in hand. "They sent one of them ahead as bait!"
"Wow, they're suddenly smart," said Glorfindel.
Legolas looked out upon a terrible sight. A large, silent crowd of young women stood behind the fence that surrounded his property. They were watching a Mary-Sue try to fend off several dogs. "They're quieter, too," he commented. In the past, Mary-Sues had been more flighty and giggling. These ones looked sinister.
Now a Sue strolled forward. This one was an Elf. She had violet eyes and long blonde hair and she glowed even more than Arwen. She began singing softly, and to the horror of the Elves, Men and Dwarf, the dogs suddenly calmed down. In fact, the dogs began looking cute. They came and fawned all over her, sniffing her hands and wagging their tails. Legolas felt sick. "This could happen to me," he thought.
"I'm remembering why we got them banned," said Aragorn.
The dogs dealt with, the Mary-Sues began their advance. Some were Elves in exquisite gowns or ranger garb, some were mortals, some dressed quite outlandishly, and others seemed fairly normal. One or two were overweight and looked like they had low self-esteem. But there was a light in the eyes of each one that betrayed them. They were not as innocent as they seemed and they all wanted Legolas.
The security system went off, a bit pointlessly, because all eight of the house's inhabitants knew that they were under attack. Legolas and Haldir were rooted to the spot. Aragorn, Faramir and Glorfindel, who had also had dealings with Sues, were clearly wrestling with panic. But Thranduil, Gimli, and Erestor were unaffected.
"Let them come!" said Gimli. "There is one Dwarf in Mirkwood who still draws breath!"
Thranduil selected a hi-tech arrow, nocked it to his bow, and shot the leader. She gave a gurgle and disappeared. "See? It's easy," he said.
Erestor pushed Legolas forward, towards the window. "Go! Shoot some of them, your highness!"
This was a grave mistake. At the sight of Legolas in his blue silk pajamas, the Mary-Sues lost whatever control they'd had. They shrieked and charged forward. The burglar lights had no effect on them. The dogs, now cutified, had switched sides. The siren was still wailing.
"Remember," said Erestor brightly, "being Sued is a fate worse than death."
"I think I'm going to barf," said Haldir.
The Elven Mary-Sues were good at climbing and had begun scaling the walls. Aragorn, Thranduil, Glorfindel, and Faramir were picking off the leaders as best they could. Legolas and Haldir were having nervous breakdowns. Erestor was watching from a safe distance. Gimli was getting ready to hack the legs off the ones that emerged first.
A beautiful Elf-maid appeared at the window. "Legolas!" she cried. "Tell me you love me!" She flung her arms around his neck. "Let us elope together!"
Thranduil pried her off his son and flung her out the window. A wood-Elf tried to sneak up behind Legolas, but Haldir pulled himself together and shot her. Every time a Sue died, she disappeared.
Meanwhile, downstairs, the mortals were beating the door to pieces.
"Go down there and shore up the doors, Erestor!" yelled Legolas. "You too, Faramir!"
The two departed quickly, understanding the urgency of the situation.
"Help me block the windows, Haldir!" shouted Thranduil. The two Elves started piling up some furniture.
"Look! It's Haldir!" screamed someone from below.
"Isn't he the cutest thing?" someone else cried.
"Aww! Look! He's blushing!"
"Let's get him too!"
Haldir cringed against a wall. "I don't see why they like me," he said. "I was just a marchwarden. I hardly did anything! And in all their stories, I'm arrogant and nasty and stuck-up! Why?"
"I heard you died in their Movie Version," said Gimli,pushing a table across the room. He and Aragorn propped the desk in front of the largest window. "Apparently this heroic end made you more lovable."
Erestor and Faramir burst into the room. "They've broken in, your highness!" cried Faramir. "We couldn't hold them all off, so we came up here!"
"We have some time," said Erestor. "Most of them are not very fit, and it will take them a while to climb all your stairs."
The Mary-Sues could no longer get through the windows. They pounded futilely for a few minutes, and then someone shoved a box of chocolate through the crack. It was in the shape of a big, red heart. On the box were the words Happy Valentine's Day! in pretty, curly lettering.
"Happy?" thought Legolas. "This is the worst day of my life."
The first mortal pounded down the hallway and flung open the door. She was garbed in black, her ears were pierced in eight places, and she had a tattoo down one arm. "Hey!" she yelled. "You're Legolas, right?"
Legolas stood in the middle of the room, holding his box of chocolate and concentrating on breathing.
"I hate you!" yelled the Mary-Sue. "You're my least favorite character! I loathe you! You think you're so hot, and you aren't!" She stomped forward to stamp on his toes. Legolas thrust the box of chocolate at her and she paused, visibly melting. She sniffled. "Legolas! I love you too! I knew it all along, I think," she said.
Glorfindel shot her and the box of chocolate fell to the floor. It was as if the Sue had never been there.
"It's the latest model," said Aragorn. "Hate at first sight."
"Yes, it just means it takes longer for them to fall in love with you," said Haldir. "Those ones happen to me all the time."
Another Sue lumbered into the room. She was not very pretty at all. She looked at Legolas and burst into tears. "I'm so fat and ugly!" she sobbed. "I don't see how you could love a girl like me!"
Legolas was about to reassure her by telling her that he didn't love her at all, when suddenly he heard himself saying, "Oh, Lisa, never fear. I love you for who you are, and not– " He broke off suddenly, blinking in confusion. What was happening to him? How did he know her name?
The girl had vanished. Thranduil was holding a sword now, and he looked rather smug. "Don't let them get to you, son," he said kindly. "They're all evil, even the ones who don't seem like the standard sort."
Glorfindel shut the door and locked it. The eight harassed beings looked at each other, feeling claustrophobic already.
"We're trapped," said Gimli. "They're overrunning the house. They'll beat down the door and carry off... certain people."
Aragorn squinted through a crack that served as their window. There were still Mary-Sues in the lawn. In fact, it looked as if there were even more of them.
Erestor still had the telephone, so he dialed a number. "Lord Elrond?"
"How are things in the Rivendell Sector?"
"A bit wet," said Elrond. "We flooded the Bruinen, which got rid of most of them."
"How many were there?"
"Maybe twenty-five. A few of them were asking after you, actually."
Erestor blinked. "Me?"
"I know. I was shocked too," said Elrond. "Most of them wanted Glorfindel. I told them that you were both in the Mirkwood Mansion."
"Well, I couldn't handle all of them," said Elrond, not very apologetically.
"We're fending off at least four hundred!" cried Erestor. "There's only eight of us!"
Erestor could practically hear Elrond shrugging. "You'll probably pull through," said the Elf-Lord. "There's only twenty-three hours left."
Erestor hung up. The others were all staring at him.
"Lord Elrond sent more Mary-Sues here?" demanded Glorfindel. "What was he thinking?"
"He was most likely thinking, 'Ha, that's fifteen less for me to deal with'," said Gimli.
They were all silent for a moment. Suddenly Aragorn yelled, "I have an idea!"
"Congratulations," muttered Erestor.
"Isn't the Rohan Sector quite near here?" Aragorn continued, unabated.
"Yes," said Legolas.
"We'll get reinforcements! Like at Helm's Deep!"
"You mean, their Movie Version of Helm's Deep?" asked Legolas. "Use their movie against them?"
Aragorn nodded eagerly.
"But I died in their Movie Version of Helm's Deep..." protested Haldir.
"That's brilliant, Aragorn!" Legolas seized the telephone from Erestor and dialed like mad. "Éomer, are you there?"
"Where?" asked Éomer.
"Never mind. Could you come and save us from the Mary-Sues?"
"Sure," said Éomer. "Give me a moment to round up some men, get my horse saddled, and have a shower."
"Uh, sure," said Legolas. "We don't mind waiting, as long as you get here before we're all Sued."
"No problem," said Éomer.
"Thank you so much!" cried Legolas.
"Telephone Celeborn and Galadriel," said Thranduil.
Legolas nodded, and dialed another number. He loved all this technology.
"Who is this?" said someone, sounding annoyed. Legolas could hear Mary-Sues shrieking in the background. He wasn't sure if they were being slaughtered, or if they'd just seen a handsome Elf.
"This is Legolas, telephoning from Mirkwood Mansion," said Legolas.
"Is Haldir with you?"
"Yes, Lord Celeborn."
"Tell him he's lucky he got out of here in time. There's at least two hundred Mary-Sues looking for him. Not only that, but some lunatic called Stu tried to carry off Galadriel."
Legolas winced. "What happened?"
Celeborn just chuckled. Legolas decided that Stu's fate had probably not been a pleasant one.
"How many Sues are thereat Mirkwood Mansion?" asked Celeborn, changing the subject.
"About four hundred."
"Only four hundred?"
"Spiders probably got a lot of them."
Just then, someone began banging on the door to the little room. The Mary-Sues had finally figured out which room their victims were in.
"Sorry. I'm going to have to hang up now," said Legolas. "The Mary-Sues are about to break into our room, and I need to fight them off." He stood up and put an arrow to his bowstring.
"OK. Good-bye!" said Celeborn.
"All right, the good thing about this situation is that not many will be able to get in this room at the same time," said Aragorn, unsheathing his sword.
"What's the bad thing?" asked Haldir.
"Too many bad things to list at the moment," said Aragorn.
A cute little girl, looking about twelve years old, opened the door and meandered into the room. The eight gaped at her in astonishment. "Hi," she said sweetly. "I'm a genius, and very mature for my years. I also speak Elvish fluently. Ooh, you must be Legolas."
A woman stuck her head into the room and smiled cheerfully. "Don't listen to this one," she said. "I'm twenty-four, and I've read the Silmarillion! I speak Elvish fluently too, by the way. Mae govannen. See?"
A raccoon entered the room. Actually, it was a girl too, but she was wearing far too much mascara. "Legolaz! Wow, ur like soooo hott! Pleaz b mine!"
Legolas threw the box of chocolate at them. The raccoon toppled over, stunned. A teenager looked into the room. "Hi. I'm not a Mary-Sue, believe me. I'm just here for Asfaloth."
"He's in the garage," said Glorfindel faintly.
"Thanks!" The girl walked off.
The cute little girl and the woman who had read the Silmarillion looked at Legolas and batted their eyelashes. The eight stared at them in astonishment. From the floor, the raccoon said something like "Oh Legoals, im urs 4ever."
"What are we going to do?" asked Faramir softly.
"We must break this spell," said Aragorn.
The two men shot the knowledgable Sues. Legolas looked dazed.
An Elf-maid minced in. "Haldir, you louse! What do you mean by– "
Haldir stuck her with his sword. She disappeared.
"What happens to them?" asked Glorfindel.
"They wake up in their world, wondering what went wrong," explained Erestor. "They don't actually die."
The other seven heaved disappointed sighs. Then they took down the barricades from the windows, and barricaded the door instead. About a dozen Mary-Sues could be seen wandering onto Legolas's property. A couple of them were carrying books.
"Those must be yours," said Faramir to Erestor.
"Really?" Erestor went over to the window and looked at them. "I didn't know I had any Sues."
"Maybe most of them are Glorfindel's," said Thranduil, also looking out the window with interest.
One of the Mary-Sues waved coyly. Erestor looked rather bamboozled.
Raccoon had woken up and now she struggled to her feet. "do u think im prety?" she asked.
Legolas felt... strange. He looked at Raccoon's big, black eyes and said, "ur teh pretiest gurl in the world, imho."
"lol," giggled Raccoon happily. Then Gimli's throwing axe did what the box of chocolate hadn't. For a moment, Legolas felt rather annoyed by her death, and then he recovered.
The Mary-Sues were battering on the door. And then a Fell Beast flew over Mirkwood Mansion. A girl dove off its back with uncanny grace and landed on the windowsill. "Behold!" she cried. "I am the Daughter of Sauron, and I am here to kill you, Legolas Greenleaf!"
Pushing this one out the window was all too easy. "Greenleaf isn't my last name," muttered Legolas grumpily. He had a headache. He was suffering from Mary-Sue overload.
"The sun is rising," commented Gimli.
Aragorn, Faramir, Glorfindel and Erestor rushed to the window, as golden light began to flood the Mirkwood Sector. Éomer was there, and Gandalf, for good measure, and a lot of tough-looking men on horseback.
"I didn't die!" cried Haldir.
"Rohirrim!" yelled Éomer.
The ground began to shake, and air was filled with the sound of thundering hooves. The Mary-Sues who had been about to break into the room appeared to have second thoughts, and then ran screaming down the stairs.
After a few minutes there was not a Mary-Sue to be seen. Legolas house was empty, though it had been ransacked by girls looking for souvenirs. Eight traumatized individuals left Legolas's study, wondering where they could find a good therapist.
"You saved us!" said Legolas happily to Éomer. "Thank you so much!" He opened his box of Valentine's chocolate. "Care for a piece of candy?"
Éomer helped himself to some chocolates.
"We survived! Let's party!" yelled Haldir ecstatically.
"The Mary-Sues are gone!" cried Legolas, doing a little dance of joy.
"Until next year, at least," said Erestor.