Guy Talk

By Queenie Z

A/N: Woo, my first Tales of Symphonia fic. Probably also my "worst" fic in terms of rating (if you don't count Seagulls, that is). Don't worry folks, my writing never gets worse than this! (Sheepish grin)

"Come on, Lloyd! Everyone else is already at the beach!"

"Just a minute, Genis!"

Lloyd hurriedly slapped some sunscreen on his arms. He was the last one left inside the Altamira hotel's VIP room. He finished applying sunscreen to his face and put on his goggles and snorkel.

"Lloyd, hurry up!"

"Hold on! I'm almost done!"

He sat down on the bed and picked up his flipper. His friends and him had taken a break from their quest to save the world to vacation at the Altamira Resort in Tethe'alla, and for the first time in a long time, Lloyd was able to just sit back, relax, and not have to worry about Cruxis, Kratos, Yggdrasill, or the Great Seed.

He made a mental note to himself to thank Regal later. After all, he was the one to get them the VIP rooms. He was about to put his other flipper on when a piece of paper fell out.

"Hmm? What's this" Lloyd said as he picked up and read the paper. It said:

"Hey bud,

Meet me at the bar tonight. Don't worry about money, I've got it all covered.

Your pal,

There was a heart scrawled out by Zelos' signature. Typical, thought Lloyd.


"Okay, okay! I'm ready!" he slipped on his flipper and ran out of the door.

"Took you long enough," said Genis, who was wearing yellow swim shorts and a straw hat. "We're gonna be late!"

"All right, already," said Lloyd. "Let's get going."

They had made it into the elevator before Genis noticed something.



"Your swimsuit is on backwards."

Lloyd looked embarrassed. "...Who's gonna notice?"

Lloyd rubbed his left hand as he got off of the elemental railway. Why it hurt wasn't important, so let's just say that a dwarf's son from Iselia isn't going to be very good at catching crabs. He walked down the stone pathway, which was illuminated by various lampposts scattered about the casino area, before he came to the small pub underneath the casino walkway. There, he saw a couple of well dressed men gathered around a game of poker, and Zelos, who had just ordered a second bottle of beer. After the bartender left, he turned around and saw Lloyd.

"Hey, Lloyd! You got my note!" he said, motioning for his pal to come sit down beside him.

"Yeah, I would have told you at the beach," said Lloyd, sitting on the stool next to the Chosen"but you were so busy with some girls that I didn't get a chance."

"It's okay, buddy. Never get in the way of a man and his cheesecake."

Lloyd raised an eyebrow at this statement, but suddenly got a strange craving for cheesecake. Zelos shoved the bottle he had just bought over to Lloyd.

"Go ahead, drink up," he said with a smile.

Lloyd looked at the bottle, puzzled. "I don't think that I'm allowed to..."

Suddenly, the bartender came over to the two and bellowed, "Kids aren't supposed to be drinking here."

"Whoa, whoa, chill out," said Zelos. "I'm his... er... godparent. Yeah..."

The bartender saw him and squinted his eyes a bit. "Hey, aren't you the -"

Zelos slapped down some gald on the counter and told him, "You never saw me. Or my bud."

The bartender took the money hesitantly and stammered, "Y-yes, sir. Carry on," before he walked away.

Zelos turned back to Lloyd. "Trust me, it'll be okay. It's all part of becoming a man, you know"

He handed him a bottle opener. Taking it reluctantly, Lloyd popped open the bottle, and the smell of alcohol filled their noses. Slowly, he took a sip of the stuff.

"It tastes weird," said Lloyd.

"It's an acquired taste," shrugged Zelos. "You'll come to like it eventually."

"If you say so..." Lloyd took another drink. It still tasted weird, but it didn't necessarily taste bad. Zelos grabbed his own bottle and held it up to Lloyd.

"Here's to manhood," he said before they clanked their bottles together and took another swig.

"Heh heh... so I was at this bar, you see. In Meltokio, you know? They've got like, the finest hunnies this side of Tethe'alla!"

Zelos chuckled and took another drink of his beer. Lloyd only stared at him before following his lead.

"So I saw this one hunny... heh heh, and I thought to myself, 'Dang, what I wouldn't give to get that fox in my bed!'." he hiccupped and finished his bottle. Lloyd just blushed and looked over at the other men, who were slowly dispersing from their game to do their own thing.

"Hey, hey, buddy, I'm talkin' to you!" this brought Lloyd's attention back to his obviously intoxicated friend, who then said, "Don't be embarrassed, man! It's only guy talk!" he motioned for the bartender to bring him another beer. "Besides, the reason I brought you here -" Zelos tried to lean on the counter, but missed, then stopping himself and successfully setting his elbow down. He continued"is because, I know for a fact that you've got the hots for Colette."

"What?" said Lloyd ashe almost jumped out of his seat. "Colette? Er... ah... I mean..."

"Don't try to hide it, Lloyd," said Zelos. "I am Tethe'alla's God of Love, you know! I can see it like it's in front of my own two eyes." He tried to point to his eyes, but ended up pointing at his nose instead.

"Umm... maybe just a little..."

"See? You can't hide it!" He opened the new bottle that the bartender had brought him. "And when you can't hide it, you gotta go with the flow, you know?"

Lloyd's face was as red as his clothes as he nodded and took another drink.

"Personally," said Zelos, "I like to start out with a little something I like to call a pick-up line." He pointed to Lloyd. "Okay, pretend that you're Colette and that I'm you." He messed his own hair up a bit, so that the top stuck out a little more than usual, imitating Lloyd's. "Say, Colette, are you from Venus?"

Lloyd just blinked. "Am I supposed to say yes?" he asked.

"Just say, 'No, why?', okay?"

"Okay... No, why?"

"Because, baby, your body is outta this world!" Zelos let out a hearty laugh as Lloyd got even more red.

"How is that supposed to help me?" he asked angrily.

Zelos finally stopped laughing and set himself straight on his stool. "It's just a nice way of saying, 'Hey, I think you look good!'" he said.

"I... see..." Lloyd took another drink and burped. Zelos laughed again.

"Bwa ha ha ha! That was funny, man. You're a real treat, you know that? A real treat."

Just then, a familiar voice said to them, "You shouldn't be in here, Lloyd." The two turned around to see Regal standing next to them.

"Oooh, it looks like El Presidente came to join us!" said Zelos, albeit incoherently.

"My company does not endorse minors drinking alcohol," he said. "You should go back to the hotel."

Lloyd stood up and stumbled a little. However, Zelos pulled him back into his seat. "Hey, hey, let the kid have a little fun once in a while. It ain't gonna hurt him."

Regal frowned, his face wandering to the side. "You should be a better example to Lloyd. You are his senior, after all."

"Ehh, senior, shmenior! Lloyd and I are pals! Right, Lloyd?" said the slurring red-head as he flopped his arm around Lloyd's shoulders.

"Uh... yeah..." said a bewildered Lloyd. Zelos lifted his arm off of Lloyd and handed the bottle he had opened earlier to Regal.

"Wanna beer?"

"So... so I got her to my room, ya see... Heh heh, you really shoulda been there, Lloyd! You coulda learned a lot!"

Lloyd nodded and listened intently, trying to focus his eyes on the two men sitting in front of him. The alcohol had already started taking its toll on the young swordsman.

"So we talked for a bit... fooled around, kissin' and all that crap... then... then I took it off and it was just like wham!" Zelos laughed and took another drink. "She had some of the biggest pair of hooters I've ever seen"

"You sound surprised," said Regal, who was using both hands to drink his bottle due to the shackles that bound him.

"Surprised?" Zelos turned around. "Dude, my eyes were as big as these coasters!" he grabbed a napkin from the counter and waved it around a little.

"Zelos, that's a napkin," said Lloyd.

The Chosen swiveled back around and threw the napkin away, letting it slowly hit the floor. "Does it really matter?" he said. "So, anyway... here I was, face to face with the most hu..." he stammered, "humon... human... humeen... biggest boobs I've ever seen!" Zelos snorted and laughed again.

Lloyd chuckled a little himself and took yet another drink. Regal just frowned.

"Yeah, yeah... say, bud," said Zelos, straightening himself up again, "speaking of which, you've ever seen any of the ladies naked? Huh"


"You know, like, without clothes?"

Lloyd looked around him. The rest of the world was moving back and forth. Even Regal, who was actually sitting quite still, looked as if he were swaying to some kind of inaudible beat.

"No... no, why?"

Zelos slammed his bottle on the counter, nearly breaking it and sending beer droplets splashing onto the stained wooden surface. "You back-country hick!" he yelled. "Haven't you ever seen a naked hunny in your life?"

"Zelos Wilder," said Regal's deep, powerful voice, "that's enough."

"I'll let you know when it's enough!" yelled Zelos without even turning around. "Geez, I knew ya'll had it rough in Sylvarant, but I didn't know you had it this bad!" He stood up, raised his fist, and shouted to anyone who could hear him, startling both Lloyd and Regal. "As the Chosen of Teth'alla, it is my duty to make sure that everyone is happy!" He stumbled, caught himself, and continued, "From this day forth, I will ensure the distribution of naked women to the whole of Sylvarant's men! I call it, the Zelos Wilder Have-a-Hunny Fund!"

Regal stood up and sat his raving friend down. "Sit down," he said sternly.

Lloyd just laughed. In his intoxicated state, nothing was funnier than seeing a drunk Zelos make a complete and utter fool out of himself.

"Lloyd! What in the world are you doing?"

The three turned to see Genis with a rather shocked look on his face.

"Hey, Genis!" said Lloyd with a wave and a stupid grin on his face.

"Hey, brat!" said Zelos, following Lloyd's lead. "How's my most favoritest little punk in the whole wide world, huh?"

Genis fumed. "Zelos, you are going to be in so much trouble when the others find out about this." he grabbed Lloyd by the hand and dragged him out of the bar, making the stumbling teen spill his drink on the counter. "Come on, Lloyd, we're going back tot he hotel."

"Okay, Genis," said Lloyd, still alcohol-happy. "Bye bye, guys!" he waved to the others.

Zelos sighed and dabbed at his eyes. "My little boy is growing up so fast..."

Regal said nothing and turned to the bartender. "Check, please."

"Augh, my head hurts..." complained Lloyd as he and his companions walked out of the ocean resort of Altamira.

Colette looked worried and wandered over to him. "Did you hit your head?"

"...I dunno," he said, "I really don't remember that much."

"Lloyd," said Raine, who was walking next to Colette at the time, "open your mouth for me."

Lloyd did so without question. The professor took a whiff of his breath, then frowned. "Were you drinking last night"

"Huh? How did you know?" he panicked.

"There's alcohol in your breath," said Raine. "What were you doing?"

"It was Zelos, I swear!" said Lloyd, not knowing what else to do. "He got it for me!"

Sheena, who was walking nearby, heard this and ran over to the three. "What did that Idiot Chosen do this time?" she bellowed.

"Apparently," said Raine, "he bought Lloyd alcohol last night."

Lloyd could have sworn he saw smoke come out of Sheena's ears. "Why, that stupid, no good..." She ran over towards said "Idiot Chosen" and yelled, "Zelos Wilder, get over here this INSTANT!"

Hearing this, Zelos started running for dear life. "What? I didn't do anything!"

Raine's eyes narrowed as she followed. "You know exactly what you did! Come back, now!"

Lloyd and Colette looked at each other as Zelos' screams were heard in the distance. Suddenly, Lloyd remembered that he had something he needed to say.

"Hey Colette..."

"Hmm? What is it, Lloyd?"

"Are you from Venus?"

-The End-