Title: Bleed Black
Author: Exiled Rain
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter. This is merely fanfiction.
Welcome the whole new pain
and take comfort in what you've become.
I waved as I passed myself along the way.
I have arrived so unashamed but my reflection no longer looks the same.
It seems much dimmer now... it seems so dim.
Just stumble and fall into a world that's over crowded.
And you will find me.
Won't recognize me;
and I won't recognize myself.
I've arrived so unashamed,
but all my senses no longer seem the same.
I can sense everything.
My sight's so clear.
In an instant, my life just slipped away,
I fought for life, the whole time you were holding me down.
You watched me dying.
Holding me down, you brought my rebirth.
"Exsanguination" by AFI
Chapter 1: Footsteps in the Hall
It seemed so cold then, yet my sense of time was severely distorted but I did know there was a 'then', and the betrayal so deep. Really should it have hurt me so bad? I knew them, I knew they could do this; I knew it was possible, but I was surprised. Is that a fault all humans share? We cannot accept something fully until we are facing the consequences? I cannot help but think that is true, and even now I doubt it! But ultimately I can believe it is the truth, for now that is (doubt is a part of the intelligent mind after all), as evidence as come to life.
Or light, but as there really isn't much light here so I prefer to say 'life'. More realistic. We don't all see the light of day when we discover something...some can see in the dark.
Again, I find myself evading the truth, and I find the saying 'truth hurts' echoing through my mind. The stupid saying has to be true too, at least in this case. Or always, I can't be sure, I have had scarce experience with truth.
A life of lies. Just that truth haunts me! Or is it just an opinion of someone bitter and cold? It is easier to believe that a life is a lie instead of seeking out the individual truths. In any case, it is extremely painful to confronted with it. I had never hated my life more than those moments.
My best friends, mentor, family, everyone who I cared about had betrayed me. Cast me out of their lives and helped replace it with hell.
Why does guilt flow through me at that thought? Is it because they do not know the truth? That they, as do I, want to remain disillusioned from the truth? It is what they believe, no matter how they came upon those beliefs, and I should not fault them for those beliefs.
But dammit! I want to! And the whole thing seems so wrong! Revenge would make it so much easier to take! They should have known better! How could they even accuse me of that crime? Those crimes! Had they even a shred of proof? Am I just that easy to blame? Did they want this?
I could practically feel the tears at my eyes, I would say I could feel them, but years, months, even days in this place will take the mind from the body. Today I am likely classified as insane as I try to conquer my thoughts. Heck maybe I am insane and I do not know it? Does anyone fully understand the word?
I guess that is something humans strive to do all their lives, to understand. I find it hilarious just how blind we are to it!
Today was different however. After who knows how long I was incarcerated here I felt. I could feel!
The pain in my body as harsh coughs shook my thin frame. The betrayal of my body as I felt bile rise into my throat, just the smell and sound alone is enough! The weakness I felt!
Had I truly felt I took this for granted? To touch, to hear, to see, to smell? Less than a minute into my observations I already regretted my freedom. Was this even freedom at all? I felt as if I had betrayed myself.
"How could I have wanted this?" I heard my raspy, tortured voice question aloud, and of course I didn't. I just didn't fully appreciate what Azkaban Island did to a person.
Well it was more like I had forgotten. I had fully appreciated it for at least a year before I was classified as 'insane'. They do check on these things, I know, I witnessed it happening to other prisoners. I wonder if their insanity was like mine was? I hope they realize how lucky they are! In that state of mind I could forget I were here!
Except for the memories. Those haunting memories of Voldemort and deaths, of the betrayals dealt, my relatives and their 'treatment' and everything I find terrifying and horrible.
Even in insanity one cannot escape the dementors but it the effect is lessened somewhat. They cannot feed off the insane; their emotions cannot be projected when the mind is not, in a psychological sense, there. So it is just in passing that I was affected. I mean why would they, the dementors, cause torment when they could not feed or watch what the torment was to do? Not that they could watch, dementors are practically blind, but the guards did/do have a sadistic sense of humor.
I was brought out of my thoughts, the only thing that took me away from the settings, by the sound of footsteps. Instead of feeling happy at the sound and hope gripping my heart as it might once done, I felt dread.
No one who came to me here would want to help me, or even be civil. I was a traitor and a murderer (or worse) in the eyes of everyone who mattered. No, there could not be anything good to come out of this, I was sure. I just hoped it wouldn't be a fate worse than death, the dementor's kiss, coming for me, or I hoped they would pass my barred cell, my cage, without a thought.
Despite my earlier thoughts, hope had taken hold of me, but it was a desperate and different kind of hope. As those footsteps neared my own personal hell, my cell and residence for who knows how long, I felt a desperation I had not felt since I had been brought here.
That desperate hope was shattered and replaced by fear. The footsteps had not passed my cell. Such a fear that gripped me!
A fear that came to life as I looked into the eyes of the one who burned the greatest betrayal and hatred into me. I looked into the periwinkle blue eyes of Albus Dumbledore.
May 16, 2006: This chapter has been slightly revised, reformatted and reposted.
Original Author's note: This is the first version of my other story 'To Free, To Torture, and To Kill'. I liked it for some odd reason and i decided to post it. Maybe take it in a different direction like have one Harry kill Voldemort and the other join him? I haven't decided which one will though... let me know what you think!