Title: If Only
Author: Vee017
Archive: Ask Please
Disclaimer: Not mine, if it were can you guess who'd be together?
Rating: PG
Setting/Season: Season 3
Spoilers: The Unconquerable Man
Summary: Beka reflects at the end of TUM before the universe falls away.

''Hell begins the day that God grants you the vision to see all that you could have done, should have done, and would have done, but did not do."
-Goethe, Ancient Earth Philosopher.

If only I knew how little time we had, I think I would have stayed. A year and a half, that's all I got.

I thought reality was forever until Harper's machine. I thought I had forever to come to grips with what I felt for you. Had I known you'd be gone in the blink of an eye, I would have stayed with you. Cherished the time we had together instead of leaving you.
I remember when I first joined Andromeda's crew, I spent half the time resisting you, and when we were finally together it was bliss.

But I got scared.

I used my past missions for you as an excuse to leave. I just couldn't understand what you were doing to me. The way you held me, the way you looked at me.
You were Nietzschean, so why would you want me like that?
The look in your eyes when I told you I was leaving, I think that scared me the most because it was then I really, truly realized.

You loved me.

It hit me then and it hit me again when I came back for Harper. The way you took my hand and told me you missed me. The way you looked at me.
I regret now the words that came from my mouth. I wanted to shout that I still loved you, that I'd stay and we'd make it work but I was scared.

You made me weak Gaheris. And I had never, ever in my lifetime been weak. No man had ever done that to me. I was the dominant one, what I said went, I always had my head on straight. But not with you. It was never like that with you.

You commanded the space around you. A leader, strong and proud. Masculine and driven.

You were so powerful that it made me want to let you hold me. It made me want to curl up in your arms and never let go. I wanted you to take care of me.

You inspired in me feelings that I didn't know I could feel.

I felt...feminine next to you.

I felt like a woman.

I didn't know who I was anymore.

How did you do that to me?

Why you?

When the tesseracts started and Trance left me with her new self. I didn't want to know what was going to happen. The moment she told us that the future fell apart, that the Commonwealth fell apart. Your Commonwealth. Your Dream.

She didn't think you could do it, so she sent you back for someone who could.
You went to die and you went willingly as the loyal soldier who history would remember only as a traitor. No one would know what you did. What you sacrificed.

It felt like the only way and in that moment I knew you were going to do it. I had to help you go. I had never imagined such pain and regret like in our final moments together. I thought leaving you the first time had hurt, but at least then I thought I could come back and your arms would always be waiting to hold me.

But you're never coming back.

Our time ended.

If I had known...if only I had known.

One last kiss.

Our farewell parting.

I should have stayed. All those lost months I was away from you. All that time we could have spent together.

We were supposed to have eternity.

You're gone now. And I wonder.
What happens now? Do we cease to exist? Am I going to wake up tomorrow with no memories of you and see Gerentex talking about the Andromeda again? Only to pull it out and find a stranger in your place?

Or worse. Is my fate to remain in this reality while you die and create a parallel universe? Do I remain here with my guilt and my ever breaking heart? Am I to be cursed in this life to remember you? Remember what you meant to me? What you did to me? The shape of your face, the colour of your eyes, the way your lips turned up in that small smile just for me? To remember your lips against mine, the way our bodies fit perfectly with each others. How your skin felt next to mine and the way your hand brushed my hair from my face that first morning after?

Is that my fate?

I once thought that Bobby was the love of my life. But then I met you.

You're gone, Trance is gone, Harper's gone. Everything's falling apart.

I'm alone.

I'll always be alone.

There are no second chances.

Or maybe.

It's odd, my body's starting to tingle. I see a light. Bright white encroaching darkness. Blue flashes, tesseracts.

This is the end. I can feel it.

Will we be together in death, or is this my second chance?

Maybe in your new world, impossible as it may be, somehow, someway, we'll find a way back to each other.

Someday, the Divine will bring us together.

I love you Gaheris.

"See you around the universe..."


A/N: I wanted to do this fic for a while now and here it is. I should really be trying to finish my essay but I think I'll force myself to do a page tomorrow. This story came about while doing some fanart and I really noticed the looks on Beka's face and how she was always looking away from Gaheris. In all of her relationships we've see, Beka's been the dominant one. But she just seemed submissive to Gaheris, very feminine. At least that's what I saw. And thus a reason for her leaving was born.
And also those bits about the divine bringing them together, insert Telemachus;)