"Ouch, dammit," Duo said pushing Heero aside, "well that's obviously how not to do it."
Heero looked consternated for a moment before he sat up and glowered. The bedroom was dark and the little light fell enticingly on Duo's nude frame. "It's what the book said." He protested, leaning over and switching on the bedside lamp, he lifted the gay Kama Sutra. "Look." He pointed out the passage and adjoining picture.
"I told you we should have got Gay Sex for Dummies." Duo protested, crossing his arms across his chest.
"You were the one that didn't want to linger in the shop." Heero answered, then slammed the book down on the floor and lay down next to Duo. "This isn't working, we're going to have to ask someone."
Duo blushed clear to the roots of his brown hair. "No," he hissed. "We'd never live it down. Not that we're lovers, because that don't embarrass me at all, but that…" he looked at Heero's nudity, "but that we can't do it on our own."
"How does this normally happen?" Heero asked, arranging the comforter over them both as Duo curled into his arms, comfortably there.
"Usually one of the partners has done it with someone who knows more before." Duo answered, "which means that someone knows what they're doing."
"We could ask Dorothy," Heero suggested, "she seems strangely knowledgeable and we could easily bribe her."
Duo made a terrified cough whimper noise. "Dorothy Catalonia Dorothy?" he asked, "the biggest yaoi freak in the Preventers? it would be over the universe wide web in less than ten minutes, with all the gory details and photos if she even suspected we were partners more than partners."
"What about Trowa?" Heero suggested, "he and Quatre have been lovers for two years now, and I'm sure he wouldn't post it on the internet."
"No, he'd just tease us about it until we're old and grey, it's the quiet ones you have to watch, and his sense of humour is cutting, and he'd tell Quatre and he'd tell his sisters who in turn would tell Doro 'cause they're as bad as she is." Duo rolled his eyes and sighed, "because I have no intention of ever giving you up I'm gonna die a virgin." Heero reached down and kissed the head resting on his chest for that comment. "It just aint fair."
"What about Wufei?" Heero asked.
"D'ya think he'd answer before or after we took him to the hospital from the resulting blood loss?"
Heero thought about it for a moment. "Une would know, but." He looked at the look of complete horror on Duo's face, "I couldn't ask her either, what about Sally, she's a doctor, she's bound by doctor patient confidentiality."
"I'd get it in the ear every time I had a proctology exam. I could never look her in the eye again at the canteen." He snuggled in closer to Heero's chest. "And all Noin knows about it is that she once walked in on Zechs."
They looked at each other. "Zechs." They repeated with a smile.
On the other end of the vid-phone Zechs looked sexily sleep mussed. If he was wearing clothes they weren't apparent on the monitor which showed his bare shoulders and hands where he rubbed at his eyes. "It's four am," he whined about to hang up, "this better be damn important."
Heero answered him, "would we call you at oh four hundred if it wasn't important?"
"He would." Zechs said giving Duo a glare over Heero's shoulder, "he once phoned me up at 3.27 to ask if I wanted ice cream."
"I was drunk, you're on my speed dial." Duo protested, blowing a raspberry at the former lightning count.
"Why on earth am I on your speed dial?" Zechs asked, "I don't even remember giving you this number." He looked startled more than horrified by that information.
"How else would I prank you at stupid a m if you weren't on my speed dial?" Duo answered, pulling the sheet tighter about his waist and sitting next to Heero. "Look, I'm sorry about that, but I genuinely thought you'd want ice cream, it was mint choc chip."
"Why are you phoning me?" Zechs whined lowering his face in his hands, "it's four o clock in the morning for heaven's sake."
"We have a problem for which we need your assistance." Heero answered abruptly.
"Can't it wait until the morning?" Zechs asked, through the forest of blonde and tangled bangs his eyes were blood shot. They both shook their heads vociferously. "Why me?"
"It is something we understand you have specialist knowledge of." Heero answered. "Duo and I have been having a certain problem."
"Heero Yuy, if you are pranking me I will take Epyon and destroy you so bad when you reincarnate ten times from now you'll die from it." Zechs yelled.
"It's not a prank." Duo whined. "We can't…" He stopped. "We've not been able to…" He thought about it a moment, "wecan'thavesex."
"Pardon?" Zechs asked, every inch the prince then.
"We can't have sex." Heero enunciated it more clearly.
"Why not?" Zechs answered, "if you're suggesting what I think you're suggesting I will tell you now that that was a vicious rumour put about by Walker after someone," he looked at Duo, "pranked his lunch box and said it was me."
"No," Duo protested, "we wanted to speak to you because, well, ya'no." He blushed again, clean to the roots of his hair.
"No," Zechs said, "I don't know."
"You're older and know more stuff and..." Duo said.
"And?" In his defence Zechs was still half asleep.
"Well," Heero said.
"What has this got to do with the fact that neither of you can't get laid?" Zechs said, scratching his head and yawning. "Look, someday you'll meet a nice girl who won't care that you're semi reformed terrorists and it will all work out." He looked at Heero with a fair approximation of a death glare, "but not with my sister."
Duo actually groaned at that. "We're not trying to have sex with random girls, and certainly not with your sister, that's ugh." He shuddered, "we're trying to have sex with each other." He snarled.
"Oh," Zechs said, "and that's why you're asking me, because." He blushed. "Oh my."
"Exactly." Heero answered.
"Look," Zechs said, "it's four in the morning, and really you need to talk to a top for this, so here's Treize's number, phone him."
Heero scribbled down the number quickly and crossed the bedroom to the other line that they had had installed in case of emergencies which meant that Heero wasn't tying up the phone line constantly with his internet connection. "Actually," Duo said, "I have some questions, if you don't mind."
On the second line on the other end of the room Treize looked no more awake than Zechs did on the first line where he was patiently and quietly answering Duo's questions. "Look, Une, I don't care what he said I'm not going to war at," he paused for a second, "four o three. Talk to me again at eight, I'll consider invasion over my croissants and coffee."
"It's not Une." Heero said bluntly.
"Well I'm not invading someone because they called you names either, good night, sir." He went to sign off, he was wearing a night cream mask and his red brown hair was in a hair net, there was an eye mask over his forehead and he wore a pair of rose coloured silk pyjamas. "Where did you get this number?"
"Zechs gave it to me." Heero answered.
"He's not speaking to me at the moment." Treize said obviously ready to cut him off. "And I must admit I thought you would be the last person to prank me at this time of the morning. I rather expected it from Mister Maxwell however."
"He is talking to Zechs currently." Heero told him bluntly. "I have call to ask your advice in certain matters."
"If it's about invading a country I'm sure it can wait till tomorrow, I'll make an open appointment for you, but I really want to go back to bed." He was almost whining.
"It is not about invading a country." Heero said, "It can't wait until tomorrow, and I want to go back to bed too, preferably with a braided baka so I need to ask you some questions."
"Fine, ask me some questions, and then can I return to bed." Treize said, wishing he was awake enough that he could answer any tactical questions that the perfect soldier could ask him at four o clock in the morning. He was wrong. He blushed bright red under his night cream and answered in a stuttering voice. "The Gay Kama Sutra, that's hardly for beginners, you should have got the Idiot's guide to Gay sex or Gay Sex for Dummies, call around to my office tomorrow and I'll give you some more instructional materials on prepping and the proper use of lubrication."
"I'm not sure you quite understand the urgency of the situation." Heero said firmly.
At that something made sense to Treize, and he opened his mouth in realisation. "And that's why you're phoning your arch nemesis at four in the morning."
"Yes, we phoned Zechs first, but he said to call you." Heero answered. Treize looked a little put out at the revelation he was not Heero's arch nemesis. "That as top you would be better suited to explain to me."
"He called me top?" Treize had a wicked glint in his eye, a glint that spoke of impending invasions. "Well in that case." He began to explain at some length the information Heero had been looking for. Heero, the diligent pupil took notes.
"Thank you. Next time we meet I will not Omae o korosu."
Treize shrugged with his strange forked eyebrows. "I suppose that's as good as a fruit basket."