Disclaimer: Once again, I do not own Harry Potter, U2 or The Bride Stripped Bare. I do however own Johnny Depp, isn't that right, Bob?


We like Johnny Depp in tight trousers.

Do we?

We do.

Summary: Another Hermy/Snape rom-com. If this was a movie or a published work, it would flop. But I'm fortunate; Fanfiction readers have lower standards.

Rating: R for language, self mutilation (minor) and a little bit of NipNipWiggyWiggy. Tee hee hee…

A/N: God, WHY do you hate me?

I'm going to a party on Friday, where my ex-boyfriend shall be (in his HORRIFIC CLOTHES. So glad it didn't last longer than 18 hours) and I am red faced. Literally. As in SUNBURNT.

No thanks to Phoebe's party. Curse her…

So, I shall wear my scary psycho skirt and show him what he missed out on. Or what he should be thankful he doesn't have to put up with.

Meh, this is Tony (the wanker who can't come up with an insult better than 'I fucked your mum'). He shall stare at my breasts for approximately 17.25 seconds, then move onto some other poor, defenceless female (haha Porge).

Maybe I should have stayed with him, if only to save those females. Sacrifice my life, my dignity and what's left of my sanity in a service to women (and quite possibly men) everywhere.


'I saw you in the curve of the moon

In the shadow cast across my room

You heard me in my tune

When I just heard confusion'

Severus Snape woke the next morning in Hermione's rooms and headed down to the Great Hall for breakfast once he had jumped in the shower and cast a refreshing spell over his clothes.

He noticed that all the staff seemed to be missing, say for Flitwick.

"Flitwick," he said, sitting down beside him. "Where are Albus and the others?"

"In the infirmary. Hermione was found this morning collapsed outside the castle, and apparently they don't need the resident charms professor to see if she's been hit with a curse!" he grumbled.

"Miss Granger's been hurt?" asked Snape frantically.

"No, just collapsed. Though she was freezing cold- she looked like she'd spent the night out there." Flitwick returned to his porridge, while Snape thundered out of the Great Hall and up to the infirmary.

He slammed the door open only to see Hermione, very pale and not moving, surrounded by what looked like the entire staff body (excluding Flitwick, of course).

"May I ask exactly what is going on here?" his voice cut above the staff's chattering and Madam Pomfrey's blatant attempts to move them along.

They all turned to look at him.

"Severus!" Albus smiled warmly at him. "It seems Hermione here collapsed when returning from her dance lessons last night- probably exhausted, the poor girl, always worked her self too-"

"Albus!" Snape cut sharply into the headmaster's ramblings.

"It doesn't appear that she has suffered from any curse or poison, merely collapsed from exhaustion. I'm not surprised! Three hectic lessons, then apparating all the way from London to here, I'm amazed she didn't splinch herself…" Snape's whole body relaxed and warm relief flooded him, cutting out the headmasters voice. He had been so worried it had been Death Eaters. If he put her in any danger… He would never forgive himself.

"Severus?" Madam Pomfrey's voice cut through his thoughts. He turned to see that the infirmary was empty say for Madam Pomfrey and Hermione, who still lay cold and still on one of the many white beds.

"Mmm?" he asked, then coughed. "Yes?" he asked.

"Classes start soon. Albus told me that, as both yourself and Miss Granger have the next two periods free, you could take her back to her rooms, or the dungeons to wait until she wakes? There's nothing more I can do, she just needs to rest and be kept warm." Pomfrey instructed.

"If the headmaster asked me to…" he sighed resignedly, slipping back into 'Bastard Snape' mode.

Madam Pomfry nodded. "I don't want you to levitate her back- I know you don't particularly care for Miss Granger and I also know you can have convenient accidents if you want to." She said, eyeing him. She obviously didn't trust him as much as Albus did, especially with Hermione, one of her favourite ex-pupils.

"Are you suggesting I carry her round the school?" he asked incredulously.

"That's exactly what I'm suggesting. Now, come here." Snape raised an eyebrow but followed her to Hermione's bed. She indicated for him to pick her up and he reached out to grab her around the shoulders and waist, but as soon as his hand touched her bare shoulder he recoiled.

"She's freezing!" he gasped.

"Severus, she's been out all night in the snow, dressed like this," Poppy looked disapprovingly at Hermione's short dress and boots. "what can you expect?"

He nodded, and to her surprise, pulled off his cloak and wrapped it around her.

"Severus, she has a warming charm on her." Chided Poppy.

"She's still cold." He insisted, picking her up. "I'm not having one of the smartest witches in Britain die of hypothermia."

Poppy just stood back and watched as he carried her down to her rooms.

"I'll never understand that man." She shook her head and returned to her office.

----- 'I like the sound of my own voice' -----

Once back in her rooms he lay her down in the bed, pulling the blankets over her and recasting the warming charm.

He decided that since he had the next two periods off, he may as well read through some more papers regarding the potion.

He called a House Elf to retrieve them from his dungeons, and set about making Hermione some breakfast for when she awoke.

The elf appeared moments later with the papers and he sat down with a peach to look over them. He had been there about half an hour when he heard noises coming from the bedroom. When he entered Hermione was attempting to sit up, rubbing her eyes blearily.

"What happened?" she asked groggily as he sat on the edge of the bed.

"You collapsed last night, once you'd apparated back to Hogwarts. One of the staff found you, you were freezing, had been there all night. Flitwick told me this morning at breakfast, I found you in the infirmary and Poppy ordered me to return you to your rooms and wait for you to wake up." He explained quickly.

"What?" she screeched. "I was out there all night? But, but, I should have frozen! Merlin, how does that work out? And in these!" she looked down at her clothes.

"You were unconscious the night, and when unconscious the body goes into a somewhat hibernated state, especially when cold." He answered. "Are you okay?" he asked.

She nodded. "Yes, but um… I really need to go to the toilet." She smiled faintly.

He stood up and let her climb out of bed, and she managed to walk to the bathroom by herself, though she did shake a little.

She emerged and he immediately made her get back in bed, much to her annoyance.

"I can get out now, Severus! We should get to work on that potion. Please, come on, let me at least get something to eat." He relented and let her go to the kitchen, but was only a pace behind her to make sure she didn't fall.

'Who would have thought Severus Snape would be so protective…' she thought as she made some coffee and a piece of jam toast. 'No one expects the Spanish Inquisition…'

She sat down and started to eat, taking great bites out of her toast. It was almost lunch and she hadn't eaten since yesterday morning apart from the pastry and apple last night.

Severus reluctantly left to go to the toilet, and Hermione took the chance to look over some more of the manuscript. She pulled it out of her bag which he had returned when he had brought her from the infirmary and started to read. She took the last bite of her toast and was still hungry, so she started to snack on a few of the nuts from the bowl on the table. One of them she didn't chew thoroughly enough and it got stuck in her windpipe. She coughed for a minute before starting to choke, hitting herself in the chest but knowing it was useless for the corset she was wearing. Severus emerged from the bathroom and took one look and ran over.

"Hermione! Hermione!" he yelled, trying to hit her on the back, but it only made her cough harder. He pulled the small knife he kept in his robes out and cut down the ties at the back of her corset, yanking it off and grabbing her around the middle. With a hard push around her diaphragm, the offending nut flew out of her mouth, dropping innocently to the floor as Hermione took great shuddering breaths.

"Hermione, are you okay?" he asked frantically.

She nodded, catching her breath. "Yes," she gasped. "Thank you."

He just stared at her intently to check she was okay. She calmed down and it was then that they both simultaneously realised she was wearing nothing from the waist up and his hands were still around her middle. She blushed and he pulled his hands away, both looking away.

"Sorry…" he mumbled after a moment.

"Don't be." She said, and he looked back at her. "Severus. We've had sex. Very good sex. Repeatedly. I'm not going to shy away from you now." She took his head in both her hands and kissed him. "It'll take a lot more than that to put off me." She grinned.

"Thank god for that." And he kissed her back.

"Sorry about your top." He said, looking at the lacerated garment.

"Nothing a wand can't fix." She smiled, kissing him again.

"Hermione, lunch is in an hour." He mumbled as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer so that he fell out of his grouching position and onto his knees with an ungraceful bump.

"Ample time." She said back, grabbing his hand and placing it on the small of her back.

"Hermione, the potion-"

"Stasis spell. It'll be fine until tonight." She mumbled, trying to unlatch the cloak's hook-and-eye catch without looking.


"What?" she asked exasperatedly, breaking away.

"I was just going to suggest we move to the bedroom." He smirked.

She grinned back. "Well, I have no objections to the table." She smirked back, and he raised an eyebrow.

"I believe I have uncovered a minx." He mumbled as she captured his lips again.

"Stop bloody talking." She said, moving down his throat. He growled a little as she flicked her tongue across his pulse point.

She picked her wand out of her pocket and waved it in the air, muttering an incantation. Instantly music began to play.

"Mood music." She smirked as he pushed her up against the table.

'You can dress me up in diamonds, you can dress me up in dirt.

You can throw me like a line-man, I like it better when it hurts.'

"Interesting mood music." He stopped his path down her stomach to comment.

"Just wait til the chor-" she stopped talking as he continued his ministrations, making her gasp. He allowed himself a satisfied smirk.

'You make me wanna lala in the kitchen on the floor, I'll be your French maid when I meet you at the door.

I'm like an alley cat drinking milk and I want more, you make me wanna, you make me wanna scream!'

----- 'I didn't give anyone else a choice' -----

"Hermione…" he gasped, slumped against her as she lay on the kitchen table panting.

She just nodded in reply.

He gathered his strength and after a minute picked her up and carried her to the bedroom. She just smiled. Always the gentleman.

"I can walk you know." She said.

"I haven't done my job properly then." He smirked, and her eyes widened. Okay, maybe not always the gentleman.

"Care for a retry?" she asked.

"I would love to, but it's only ten minutes until lunch." He sighed, dropping her lightly on the bed and falling on it himself.

"We could always skip lunch." She suggested, rolling onto her side to look at him.

"Believe me, there's nothing I'd rather do." He pulled her closer and kissed her again. "But… Poppy would stress and make Albus send someone up to check on me. And I'd rather Sinistra doesn't walk in on us in a rather compromising position." He smirked.

She sighed and nodded, falling back against the pillows.

"We should get changed." He said after a moment.

"I know." She didn't move.

"We really should get down to lunch."

"I realise that." Again she made no motion to leave.

"And the staff will start talking. Not to mention the students."

"I am acutely aware of that."

He rolled over so that his top half was over hers, kissing her again. "This is so addictive." She sighed.

He just smirked and climbed out of bed, pulling the sheet with him, leaving her bare.

"Hey!" she shouted, running after him, trailing the duvet behind her as she wrapped it around herself.

"Want to save water?" he asked, standing beside the shower.

She shook her head in amusement. "Do you use that on every girl?"

"Yes." He answered.

"And does it work?" she asked.

"Yes" he said smugly.

She closed the gap between them and let the duvet fall, and he opened the sheet, letting her in and closing it around her as he held her close. It was so warm and nice and close and… well, just nice.

He opened his mouth to say something but she rested a finger against his lips to silence him.

He kissed her lightly on her forehead before resting his chin atop her head as she leant against him, her left palm resting lightly against his heart.

After a moment she sighed and pulled away, stepping into the shower. He followed her and it wasn't until several minutes later either of them spoke.

"Bugger." She said.

"What?" he asked, confused.

"You kissed me." She sighed.

He held back a snort. "Was that so bad?"




"Well, then, I think I'm about done here." He said faking coolness and stepping out of the shower. She stopped him with a hand snaking around his waist to grab him. He gasped.

"It was bad." She whispered in his ear. "So, so bad."

It was all he could do not to whimper, and even harder not to take her against the shower wall right there and then.

He settled for turning around and kissing her before going into the bedroom to get changed. She followed suit, and ten minutes later they were in the Great hall, Hermione waiting five minutes before entering so it didn't look suspicious.

They settled down to eat lunch, throwing surreptitious looks at each other now and then. Severus almost choked on his mouth full of steak and kidney pie when he heard Hermione start humming.

"Stop." He hissed at her, glaring at his plate as if it had personally insulted him.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"Stop humming… that song." He whispered viciously.

"Oh, don't listen to him, Hermione. He just wishes he had your charming voice." Said Dr Clayton, the replacement of Madam Pomfrey in the infirmary (she had retired, age 73) and about 30 or so.

"Charming voice?" she snorted. "I can't sing for nuts. Dance, I can do. Voice? I sound like I'm strangling Crookshanks!" she laughed.

"Oh, I'm sure that's not true." He smiled and put his hand on top of hers. She looked down at it worriedly, but he went back to his dinner a moment later, the hand removed to resume it's positions by his knife, so she mentally shrugged and went back to her own salad.

Severus however turned his glare from his plate to Clayton. His hand had rested too long on Hermione's for his liking.

"So, Hermione, has Severus been looking after you well?" Albus's voice came from the middle of the table.

She hurriedly covered a grin. "Oh, yes, he's been most satisfactory." She glanced back at him and saw him smirk. "Though his skills may need a little… tweaking."

He looked up at her, one eyebrow raised, but said nothing.

"So, he's been behaving himself then?" asked Minerva who was sat beside Dumbledore.

"I wouldn't say that," she smirked, both of them attempting not to laugh. "But, yes, he's been rather good company."

"Please, Miss Granger," he said smugly. "Flattery will get you nowhere."

"I really must stop trying." She said, turning her full attention to him.

"Yes, I would." He said.

"Would you?" she asked.

"Yes. A Snape wouldn't fall for… you." He said, cocking his eyebrow in challenge.

"And a Granger wouldn't fall for the likes of you. Your up yourself nature, your stature in society, your large nose." She spat fiercely, grinning.

"You can hardly talk. Your know it all presence, your obsession with books, your knot of mousy hair. Your relationship with Potter." He said, more careful than her at hiding his amusement.

"Oh, yes, wouldn't want Severus getting jealous, now would we?" she retorted.

"Jealous?" he scoffed. "Why would I want to be around that arrogant slob anymore than necessary? Seven years of teaching that little chit was enough for me!"

"Now, now, Snape. Play nicely." Scolded Minerva.

"Oh, don't." she smirked. "I rather enjoy our encounters."

"Surely you don't like these arguments?" Clayton asked.

"Oh, I rather enjoy his witty comments, his sarcasm, his gallows humour." She said, faking a dreamy expression. "Watch it, I might just be falling in love with you." She fluttered her eyelashes at him.

He raised an eyebrow and returned to his dinner.

"So, what do you think of this Marriage Law, Hermione?" asked Clayton.

"I think it's simply atrocious. The idea of it is bad enough- women being merely breeding stock to ensure the population doesn't dwindle. And another thing- it's only women! It's like the magical world is stuck in the 19th Century still! It's shit!" she fumed, turning to face Clayton.

"Hermione!" Minerva exclaimed, scandalised by her harsh language.

"I'm sorry, Minerva, but it is! At least you're over seventy and don't have to get married." Said Hermione.

"I know, child. It's horrible. But there really is nothing we can do than be prepared." Minerva said sadly.

"Well, if you have no other choice, I'm here, Hermione." Clayton put his hand on her arm and smiled kindly at her. Hermione stared at him.

"Well, actually, I think my friend may be more appropriate. Don't get me wrong, but we hardly know each other!" she said nervously.

Severus was looking at Clayton. "Don't you think Mr Potter would be more suitable, Clayton?" he asked coldly.

"Well, I know how that could mess up their friendship. I don't know Hermione too well, so there would be nothing to mess up." Clayton pointed out.

"Severus doesn't know me too well. Neither does Lupin, or Sirius, or Dung." She challenged.

"Well, Sirius and Remus? I haven't met them yet, but from what I hear, their rather more interested in each other…" he looked mildly disgusted. "Dung- we'll he's about three times your age, is a burglar, and utterly disgusting. And Snape? You don't honestly expect me to take that as an excuse. Face it, Hermione, I'm the best man standing." He looked rather smug with himself.

"You never know," Hermione smirked. "I could be lesbian."

The entire table turned to look at her. "But I'm not. Ginny's my friend, that's all." She assured them.

Minerva relaxed and Dumbledore twinkled, Severus still eating his dinner and feigning ignorance to the conversation.

----- "An intellectual tortoise racing with your bullet train" -----

"You had me worried for a minute at dinner." Severus silky voice flowed through to Hermione as she sat in her rooms on the couch, reading her manuscript.

She looked up and saw him standing in the doorway.

"Did anyone see you coming here?" Hermione asked.

"No." he answered, moving over to the couch. Hermione stood up and stretched, moving over to him. They met half way between the door frame and the couch, Hermione looping her arms around his waist and Severus laying his gently on her shoulders.

"This is nice." She said quietly, looking up at him.

He just kissed her lightly on the lips, running his long fingers through her hair.

She moaned and opened her mouth, and he guided them over to the couch.

"You're not expecting anyone?" she asked as he set upon undoing her shirt.

"No." he said, proceeding to strip her off her top.

"Not even Albus?" she asked, her breath catching as he sucked her way down her chest.

"No." he murmured against her skin, ridding her of her bra.

"No-" she sucked in a deep breath. "One? Are you sure?"

"Absolutely." He said, moving down to unbuckle her pants.

"Not even-"

"Hermione! Do you want this or not?" he said, looking up at her fristratedly.

"Oh! Yes, yes I do. I just don't want anyone walking in on us. I know how that would look." She said, then realized how insulting that could be.

"I see." He said coolly.

"No! No, Severus, I didn't mean that-"

"Well, what did you mean, Hermione?" he asked, standing up. "That I'm not good enough for Saint Potter's best friend? That the greasy bat of the dungeons could never have a chance with the gorgeous Hermione Granger?"

"That's not fair! You know I didn't mean it like that!" she fumed, standing up.

"I know exactly what you mean, Hermione!" he yelled.

"Look, just let me explain!" she said angrily. "Yow owe me that at least!"

"I owe you nothing." He said coldly, and spun around to face the door, closing it quietly behind him.

Hermione didn't think twice about what to do; she headed straight into the bathroom and towards the small silver razor.

'All because of you

all because of you

all because of you…

I am…'

Well, I think I did that slowly enough. : )

And now you all love me, don't you, guys?

Hands up who likes me+looks around, sees everyone with their hands as low as they can get them+ oooh…

Anyway, That's chapter 6 for you all. You sad, sad puppies.