- "Valentine's Day is merely a commercial endeavor constructed to aid in my continuing hatred of all mankind." Well, yes, but it's also about love. This was originally done for a temps mort challenge over at Livejournal and, I promise, honest to God, that it really was posted on Valentine's Day. I'm not late, I swear. :O
review plz lolz
Sasuke doesn't like chocolate. It's too rich, too hard, and, most importantly, too sweet. Sasuke just doesn't ido/i sweet. It gives him a headache and makes him feel nauseous, so he prefers to just coolly avoid it like he does most everything else.
This is why Sasuke hates Valentine's Day: You can't just coolly avoid a scheduled day of the year. It cannot be done. It's there, silently lurking, lying in wait ahead of you on the calendar. And Sasuke knows, really knows, that no matter how far he runs, or how cleverly he hides, or how staunchly he ignores, there is still going to be a wealth of disgusting chocolate outside his door this coming holiday. Regardless of how he feels about it, Valentine's Day is determined to nip at his heels, mewling for attention, for the rest of his life.
Luckily, he has Naruto.
Sasuke's alarm sounds at three minutes to nine. He listens to love song dedications for a few minutes, idly thinking of just staying in bed the entire day, but no. One girl took it as an invitation last year.
Sasuke rolls on his side, shuts off the alarm, and tries not to listen to the knocks on his door, or notice the smell of perfumed letters being forced through his taped-up mail slot, or show any fear. Girls can smell that, and these beasts would take it as encouragement. The blinds are drawn so the more dexterous ones won't try to press their breasts against the window again, the windows locked, inside and out, and Sasuke sleepily wonders if he dares to risk a shower. Is there a water Jutsu that could crawl up through pipes?
Then the phone rings. No. No. Sasuke could have sworn he'd pulled the chord last night when Ino called him at midnight.
"Go 'WAY," he mumbles into his pillow. "I dun like ANYONE."
The phone refuses to cooperate. If anything, it's ringing louder.
Sasuke pulls his arms beneath him and lifts himself up from bed a little, looking over to where the phone would be. He fumbles around for it, finally feels the receiver, then grips it and hurls it across the room.
The phone stops. Sasuke grunts, says, "fuck you all," and then goes back to bed.
Fifteen minutes later, he's woken back up by Naruto pounding on his door and demanding that a) Sasuke get the hell up and let him in and b) that no bastard, no matter how attractive some girls may be deluded into thinking that he is, deserves this much chocolate.
"YOU PROMISED WE'D FIGHT TODAY," the pounding screams, "I CALLED BUT YOU WERE BEING A STUCK-UP JERK. LET ME IN SO I CAN KICK YOUR ASS AND HAVE SOME GODDAMN CANDY."
No. "GO AWAY," Sasuke screams back. Far, far away.
"LIKE HELL. I WANT CHOCOLATE."
Sasuke feels his annoyance rising already. He shouldn't have to deal with Naruto today, of all days.
"I DON'T CARE, TAKE IT," he yells.
The pounding stops. "REALLY?"
"YES, REALLY, AND TELL THEM TO GO AWAY."
"TELL WHO TO GO AWAY?"
Sasuke's getting hoarse. "THE GIRLS."
And it's then that Sasuke remembers that Naruto has the very laudable tendency to repel even the most stubborn fangirl as though they are polar opposites. He nearly runs to the door.
"They're gone?" Sasuke asks, as soon as it's open.
"YEAH, THEY ALL - oh, hi - they left, and," Naruto snickers, "you smell like igirl/i."
Sasuke looks down at the puddle of perfumed love letters at his feet. "Better than smelling like ass," he counters, and invites Naruto in.
Twenty minutes later, Naruto's on the candy hearts and opening letter number fourteen.
"'Dearest Sasuke,'" he reads, faintly disgusted. "'Long I have watched you in the village.' Stalker."
"You have no idea," Sasuke mutters, pouring through the candy, apparently looking for something.
"'You're too eye-catching to not want to behold. Your raven hair gleams in the sunshine, your eyes as dark as the deepest trench in the oceans, your lips as soft as a petal.'" Naruto's grinning. "Do they have you pinned or what?"
He dodges the Kiss hurled at his head and continues. "'You're beautiful, whether you know it or not, and I've fallen - dare I say it- desperately in love with you. Sasuke, my beloved, desperately need you. I need you like a flower needs water. I need you like blue skies require clouds. I need you between my legs, my l-loins q-quivering -'" Naruto can't continue. He's nearly fallen off the couch, clutching his sides.
Sasuke doesn't find it very funny. His kick even says so.
Naruto is too busy laughing to care. "Oh Sasuke," he swoons, "take me! My loins are a quiver!"
Sasuke throws another Kiss at his head. "Idiot," he says, turning back to his search.
"Lover boy," Naruto snickers, puckering his lips.
It's nearly lunch when Naruto finishes off the last of the letters. He's eaten so much that he can't even stand, and there's still a one foot tall pile to go.
"Must finish," Naruto gurgles. "Need - candy -"
"You puke on my floor and I'm ripping off your head, fatass," Sasuke warns. He's still searching through the remaining stash.
Naruto squints, finally noticing. "Hey, hey," he says and leans over to poke. "What are you looking for?"
Sasuke slaps the finger away. "None of your business."
"C'mooooon," Naruto whines. "Tell meee."
He hesitates before answering. "White chocolate. But no one ever gives me any."
"I thought you said you hated chocolate."
"I don't mind white chocolate, it's -" what his family gave him - "different."
"Oh," Naruto says, and straightens up a little. "Hey, hey, I don't see why you're complaining about it. I don't even get any chocolate, let alone special types. Stupid selfish bastard," he adds, pouting.
"I'm sure Hinata left you something," Sasuke says, not really paying attention. He's running a hand under the couch to see if anything has rolled beneath it.
"She stopped," Naruto says, quietly. "'Cause, you know, most people get sick of me kind of soon -"
Sasuke pushes Naruto, partly to check behind him and partly because now he feels bad. "Fuck most people. People don't give you white chocolate when you want it."
Naruto shoves back. "They do if you tell them, assface. It's called com-mun-i-ca-tion."
Sasuke glares. "You can't even spell 'communication,' so don't be lecturing me on it, dumbass."
Naruto shoves again. "Don't call me a dumbass, bastard!"
"Don't push me in my own home, idiot!"
"THEN DON'T DESERVE IT!"
Naruto pulls off an amazing flying tackle from the couch and Sasuke elbow-drives him into the pile of wrappers, nearly relieved.
Half an hour later, they're still lying on the floor, covered in trash, smelly stationary and each other. Naruto's the loser, naturally, an ego-bruising fact that the returning girls outside Sasuke's door do nothing to ease.
"You're so lucky," Naruto mutters, listening to their giggles. His prodding toe makes Sasuke's ear itch.
Sasuke clicks his tongue and bats Naruto's foot away with a growl. "Bullshit. I hate this. I hate the attention -"
"- and the chocolate -" Naruto kicks.
Sasuke hits him away again. "- shut up, and I hate Valentine's Day."
"How can you hate a day?"
Sasuke looks from the torn phone chord to the locked windows, then from the perfumed letters to the bolt-locked door. "Far too easily."
It's lonely here.
Naruto says nothing for a moment, just tickles Sasuke's ear with his toe. Sasuke mechanically bats it away. Well, it's not lonely now, he thinks, now it's merely annoying.
Suddenly Naruto jerks himself up to a sitting position. "Hey." He fully stands up, hands on hips, staring down at Sasuke with his most determined look. "Hey!"
Sasuke barely turns his head to look. "What is it now, idiot?"
Naruto nods twice, decisive, and starts making his way through the trash to the door. "I'm going to fix this. Even though you're a bastard."
Sasuke sits up. "Fix what?"
"Next year," Naruto chirps, ignoring him, "we'll do this," he smirks, pulling on his shoes. "We'll do this again, and we'll spend Valentine's Day together."
Sasuke stares. "What?"
"I get chocolates and you don't get girls!" Naruto croons. "It's the perfect deal for both of us!" His hand's already on the doorknob and Sasuke begins to panic. If Naruto leaves now, the deal's sealed. Nothing will convince him to go back on his word, it's his goddamn ninja way.
"No," Sasuke glowers with all his might, "this was a one time thing. I only let you in this one time. I do not want you in my home next Valentine's, do you hear me?"
Naruto only sticks out his tongue, clearly having already made up his mind, and swings open the door with such a victorious flourish that it chases away the few hopeful female admirers still present. "It's a date, lover boy!" and with that, he cackles off into the night.
Sasuke sits dumbfounded, surround by trash and love. He really, really fucking hates this holiday.
Three years later, Sasuke's alarm still sounds at three minutes to nine. He listens for a few minutes, wondering if he should bother getting out of bed if he's just going to be thrown back in, but no. Naruto took it as an invitation last year, then complained loudly for three days when he noticed that Sasuke hadn't bought him any candy.
Sasuke rolls on his side, shuts off the alarm, and tries not to smile at the thought of Naruto bringing him white chocolate.
Sasuke doesn't do sweet.
Luckily, he has Naruto.
sweets for my sweet