Disclaimer: Not my characters.
A/N: For the profilerfans Feb challenge – Love Gone Wrong.
She doesn't love him. She can't. (Won't.)
But she doesn't hate him either. On some level, she needs him, as he needs her. He's the deep, dark secret she'll take to her grave.
During the day, Sam hunts him. It's her job to catch him, to make him pay for his crimes.
At night, Samantha welcomes him into her bed. They never talk. This isn't a relationship. She's not sure what it is.
Sam/Samantha feels that she's living two different lives. Neither makes her happy. Both are lies. She hates playing the saint/martyr Bailey seems to think she is, isn't quite comfortable as the concerned mother. But she doesn't like being reduced simply to Jack's object of affection (obsession).
She supposes she should be flattered. His entire life revolves around her. But she's never liked the spotlight, and hates being what she is to him.
Sometimes she wishes he'd never come into her life. She dreams that he kills her, or that she kills him. Not once does she think they'll have a happy ending.
She wonders what the others would think if they knew the truth, imagines telling them, I know what Jack looks like. And when they ask why, saying, I let him fuck me.
They'd hate her, and maybe that's okay. How can she expect them to understand when she herself doesn't?
She tried to analyze herself once, and didn't like what she saw. Married Tom out of a desire to be loved . . . self-destructive tendencies . . . fear of happiness . . .
She can't remember a life before Jack and that scares her, because if there isn't a before-Jack, how can there be an after-Jack?
She thinks about the gun she's licensed to carry, thinks about how easy it would be to put a bullet in his head. No one would blame her. He attacked me – Tried to rape me – Self-defense.
Maybe he'll kill her first. That way she won't have to answer any questions.
No. She has a better idea.
When he comes to her bed again, she gives no hint that it's to be the last time. When he tries to speak to her, she shushes him with a kiss. He doesn't need to know why she's crying.
In the morning, instead of dropping Chloe off at school, she heads north, out of the city. It doesn't matter where they end up. She just wants to be free.
She's made her choice. She isn't Sam and she isn't Samantha, she's a little of both, and she's okay with that. She has her daughter, and that's all she really needs.
Maybe one day she'll believe that.