Harry Potter and the Obvious Solution
Disclaimer: We're fresh out of witty disclaimers. Sorry!!! You'll just have to accept the fact that we don't own anything.
Author's Notes: So this is it, you guys. Sorry it took so long – we've got to stop making promises our schedule won't let us keep. We hope the ending satisfies everyone. ::tear:: We can't believe it's over!!!!! By the by, this chapter is rated R for some sexual language.
Chapter 24: All's Well that Ends Well
Harry looked around. He couldn't believe that this extremely eventful year at Hogwarts was already coming to an end. He smiled as he felt Draco squeeze his hand and turned to him. They had certainly shaken things up for the school. The house tables were practically irrelevant, as everyone just sat wherever they liked, and since Harry and Draco had started dating, several other inter-house couples had cropped up. Harry had to admit, he still found it disturbing when he saw Millicent Bulstrode tickling Neville under the chin, and he still had to hold back his bile when he remembered the time he had caught Justin Finch-Fletchley and Pansy Parkinson in a rather compromising position behind one of the gargoyles. Still, it was nice that the petty inter-house rivalry was finally calming down a little. Of course, Quidditch matches were still as competitive as ever, more so now that Harry and Draco were together. They would slug it out on the pitch and then have wild victory/defeat sex afterwards. Yes, all was right and good in the world.
The end of year feast this year was, all in all, quite different from any other feast they had ever had at Hogwarts. The hall fell silent as Dumbledore stood up, and everyone wondered what on earth he could say to sum up this year.
"This year," Dumbledore began, with his trademark knowing smile and a twinkle in his eye, "was a year of great change."
Harry sighed deeply.
"Some of our students have broadened their minds by living in another's shoes." He glanced bemusedly at the Gryffindor table, where Harry was staring determinedly at his toad-in-the-hole. "These changes have affected all of us, in one way or another. The most obvious example is the long-awaited defeat of Voldemort, by way of kick in the testicles." He raised his glass with a wry grin. "Well done, Harry." There was an undertone of giggling as the Headmaster continued.
"The changes that occurred this year have also affected the Hogwarts community in more subtle, but nonetheless significant ways. Thanks to a few brave students who dared to ignore the status quo, our student community is now more unified than it ever was. New relationships have formed, and both students and faculty have moved forward in their pursuit of knowledge. In that same vein, I would like to congratulate our own Professor Snape for his successful discovery of the antidote to –" He looked around the table, but Severus was nowhere to be seen. "- by the way, where is Snape?" Dumbledore inquired, with the shadow of a smile.
There was an audible thud as Draco's head collapsed onto the table. Harry stroked his hair consolingly.
"In any case, I have never seen the school so unified in all my time here. In times of change as well as in times of darkness and fear, we must stand together if we wish to move forward." He took a moment to glance around the hall, lingering on Snape's empty seat at the staff table and Draco's empty seat next to his Slytherin comrades, and then said in a jovial tone, "Who would have thought that one little sex-change potion could affect so many?"
All eyes turned to the headmaster in shock – no one had expected him to be that direct.
"Well, tuck in, everyone!!!" said Dumbledore cheerfully, and sat down to his food. There was scattered applause and laughter as everyone obeyed. Harry, glad that the humiliation was over, attacked his toad-in-the-hole with a vengeance. Draco watched him with a grin.
"You know, Harry, when you were a girl you used to be so much more dainty," he said.
"Shut up, you fucking aristocrat," said Harry through a mouthful of food. Draco merely smiled knowingly and sipped his coffee, pinky out.
"So can you stay at the Burrow for a while this summer?" Ron asked Hermione.
"When we were friends, it wasn't a problem. Whether my parents will let me stay at my boyfriend's house unsupervised is an entirely different matter."
"Do you really think my mother will let us in the same room alone for more then two seconds?"
"You're really making me want to stay, Ron."
Ron sighed. "What about you, Harry?"
Draco spoke before Harry could. "Harry's staying with me, Weasley."
Ron simply said, "Well you can stay too."
"Wow," said Draco with raised eyebrows, "Things really have changed this year."
Harry looked up from his food, which was now begging for mercy. "You know, I don't recall agreeing to stay with anyone."
Draco patted his boyfriend's head patronizingly. "Shush, you. You don't have a choice."
As the Hogwarts Express pulled out of the Hogsmeade station, Harry and Draco headed for the same compartment as Ron, Hermione, Seamus and Dean. As the six of them searched for an empty compartment, Draco caught sight of a closed door.
"I'll check this one, you guys," he said, and opened the door. For reasons unknown to the others, Draco's jaw dropped and his face turned white. He proceeded to yell in anguished, angry tones, "Dad!!! You're a fucking billionaire!!! You can't afford a BLOODY HOTEL ROOM?"
He slammed the door and turned to his shocked friends. "This one's taken," he said calmly.
As they walked down the hall, Harry took Draco's hand. "This can't be good for your mental health."
Once they found a mercifully empty compartment, they settled in for the trip. "Where's Neville?" Dean asked.
"I think he's riding with Millicent," Draco replied. There was a collective shudder.
"Listen, Harry," Seamus asked with a grin, "There's something I've always wanted to ask you. What's better – sex as a boy or sex as a girl?"
Everyone in the compartment leaned forward perceptively to hear Harry's answer. After several moments of contemplation, Harry said, "Well, it's easier to have an orgasm if you're a guy. As a girl, it takes longer, but when it finally happens, it's a hell of a lot better. But the problem is, when you're a girl, the guy doesn't always deliver. Draco, for example, couldn't always – "
"What are you talking about?" said Draco indignantly. "I rocked your world and you know it!!!!"
"Of course you did, dear," said Harry, patting Draco's cheek.
"It's a shame Draco didn't knock you up, Harry," Dean said jokingly. "Then you could have answered the age-old 'what's more painful, labor or a kick in the balls?' question."
"Don't even get me started on that, Dean," said Hermione.
"Ew, that would be a little disturbing," said Harry with a shudder. "Besides, what if I changed back after I got pregnant?"
"Well, then I think we'd have some twisted 13-year-old girl's fantasy on our hands, then," said Draco.
Harry and Draco collected their luggage as the train neared King's Cross station. Everyone had begun to say their goodbyes, as they would meet their families on the platform. They turned to find the hulking figure of Vincent Crabbe, looking uncharacteristically pensive.
"Crabbe, have you been reading again?" said Draco with concern.
"No," said Crabbe defensively. "I…um, I have a…confection to make."
"Do you mean confession, Crabbe?" said Draco patiently.
"Well, what is it?"
"Listen, Harry…it was me who put the sex change potion in your drink during the Welcoming Feast. My dad told me to."
"WHAT?" Harry said, utterly lost for words.
"Wait a minute," said Draco, looking perplexed. "It was YOU? First off, why didn't you TELL me? Secondly, how in the world did YOU outsmart HIM?" He pointed toward Harry, whose confusion was being replaced by his legendary anger.
"I'm sorry!!" squeaked Crabbe, whose voice now resembled girlHarry's. He turned and ran to the other side of the train.
"Well, you can't be too mad, Harry," said Draco wisely, wrapping an arm around his shoulder. "If he hadn't done it, we wouldn't be together."
"I suppose not," said Harry with a sigh. "But still, you try having that much back pain and then talk to me about who's angry."
After disembarking, Harry and Draco wandered over to Blaise, who looked vaguely disturbed and appeared to be waiting for someone.
"Draco!" Blaise snapped. "I had to spend an 8-hour train ride in the same compartment with Longbottom and Millicent."
"I'm…so sorry, Blaise," said Draco sympathetically.
"You should be," said Blaise resentfully. "At least Sean is meeting me here. I haven't seen him since Easter break."
"We get to meet Sean?" said Harry excitedly.
"This should be interesting," said Draco.
The conversation abruptly ended, however, when Blaise suddenly squealed with delight and threw himself into the arms of a tall, dashing Scotsman.
"Sean, I missed you I missed you I missed you!!!!" said Blaise, planting kisses all over his boyfriend's face. Sean smiled and kissed him, silencing the squeals for a few moments.
"Hey Blaise," said Draco snarkily, "Are you gonna introduce us to your man-toy?"
"Oh right! Sean, this is Draco…"
"I've heard a lot about you," Sean said, shaking Draco's hand. "In fact, for a while I was worried you would steal Blaise away from me, but I really don't think you're his type."
Draco looked offended. "Why am I not your type – why am I not his type?"
"Well," said Sean jokingly, "You can't have two bottoms in one relationship."
Draco's eyes widened as he looked at Blaise. "Why you LITTLE – "
"And this is his boyfriend, Harry!" said Blaise, watching Draco nervously as Harry and Sean shook hands.
"What makes you think that I'm a bottom?!" said Draco furiously.
Harry quickly wrapped an arm around Draco and began to steer him away. "Okay, Sean – great to meet you; Blaise – have fun, bye."
"But Harry – "
"Draco, let it go. Oh look, there's your parents."
Lucius looked uncomfortable and Narcissa was on the arm of a tall, very masculine-looking Venezuelan man.
"Um…mother, who is this?" said Draco, sensing disaster.
"Oh, this is Pedro, dear."
"Our pool boy?" said Draco in shock.
"Draco," said Lucius, "I will explain everything to you when we get home."
Draco simply stared at his parents as Pedro turned to Lucius and said, "Gracias para tu esposa, Señor Malfoy. She is, how do you say…muy caliente en la cama." Narcissa beamed at him and kissed him on the nose.
"Darling," said Lucius in a dangerous voice, "What does cama mean?"
Narcissa simply giggled. "Lucius dear, just give me the houses in the Bahamas and I'll be happy."
"But I love the Bahamas!" Lucius whined.
"Now now dear, you've still got the ones in Cancun and Portugal. You can Severus can go there."
Pedro raised one eyebrow. "Lesbiano?"
"Si, Pedro, si. Now come along."
Draco looked at his father in shock as Narcissa and Pedro the Pool Boy walked away. Finally he said, "When did Mum learn Spanish?"
"Probably around the time she started spending every day sunbathing."
"I thought she just wanted a tan."
"So did I, Draco, so did I."
Harry had watched the whole exchange and finally came to the conclusion that nothing in the whole wide world could surprise him anymore. He turned to Draco and hugged him tightly.
"I'll miss you," said Draco, absently smelling Harry's hair.
"I should really just tell you the name of my shampoo, Draco," Harry said affectionately.
"I'll write you about staying over the summer," Draco said as they broke apart.
"Wait just one minute Draco," said Lucius indignantly. "You can't just invite people over, you have to ask my permission first – it's my house you know, what if there isn't room?"
"Dad, our house has about five wings, I doubt we would bother you. Can he stay?"
"Of course not, you'll be having sex all the time!"
Draco crossed his arms and looked at his father with a single raised eyebrow.
"Well, fine, he can stay," said Lucius, "But not for the whole summer."
"Oh don't worry," said Harry with a wicked grin. "He'll be staying for part of the summer with me, at the Weasley's."
"You're staying WHERE?"
"We'll talk on the way home, Dad," said Draco. With that, he turned away, as Harry's aunt and uncle had just arrived on the platform.
"Draco, do you want to piss off some Muggles?" said Harry as they walked towards Uncle Vernon.
"Do you even have to ask?" said Draco.
"Have you got your things, then?" said Uncle Vernon shortly as Harry approached the Dursleys, all of whom looked intensely uncomfortable.
"Yeah. Just one more thing – " With that, Harry turned to Draco and kissed him possessively, twining his fingers through Draco's hair.
"Bye," said Draco softly, squeezing his hand.
"Write me," Harry said. He turned to the Dursleys, who looked as if a single feather might knock them all over. "Oh – you haven't met my boyfriend, Draco. Draco, this is my aunt and uncle, and my cousin Dudley."
"How do you do?" said Draco cheerfully. Uncle Vernon grunted.
"I promise my dad will let you stay, Harry," Draco said. "I'll write you soon." The boys hugged and Draco walked back toward his father.
"So," said Harry brightly, "Shall we go?"
"Since when are you queer?" said Dudley.
"Since when can you string a sentence together?" said Harry without the slightest change of expression.
"You stay away from Dudley!" said Aunt Petunia.
"I promise you, that won't be hard," said Harry, rolling his eyes.
And so, the Boy Who Lived (who had been the Girl Who Lived, then turned back into the Boy Who Lived) smiled and walked out of the station. Who'd have thought that being a girl could solve all his problems?
It was such an obvious solution.
Author's Notes: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! This is depressing!!
It's been a wild ride. This fic began more than two years ago. We are so grateful for all the support we've had from reviewers – you helped us keep going. (One last disclaimer – we don't want to get sued by Sean Biggerstaff, so just know that this is in no way a comment on his personality or sexuality, it just suits the purposes of this fic). By the way, for those of you who don't speak Spanish, Pedro is saying 'Thank you for your wife, Mr. Malfoy, she is, how do you say? Very hot in bed." And 'lesbiano' means gay. We think. At least, that's what our Spanish teacher said.
Please don't abandon us now that this fic is over – we are mulling over a companion one-shot to this fic, about what transpires when Ron tells his parents about Draco and Harry. We also have some longer fics planned. Please put us on your Author Alert list!!!!!