Author's Note: Oh wow. This is unacceptable. Sorry. Do not blame you guys if you don't hang around for the sequel.
Warning: AU Fifth Year. Mild swearing.
Summary: The Weasley twins mess up; big time and there to prove it, is a baby. A baby called Harry Potter. Sit back, kick your feet up, relax and read through the ensuing chaos that the prank has caused. AU Fifth Year.
Dedication: To all those who have been here from the start (those who have been here before, when it was still 'Erm - Baby Harry') and to all those only just joining us for possibly the longest ride in fanfiction history: this is for you.
Nappies and Naked Dancing
By Pickled Rellish
Sirius was all but vibrating in his seat, sat at the High Table, Remus giving him a look for his ridiculousness (as he so claimed) and hissing at him to keep damn still because if he knocked his goblet over one more time-
"Moony, please. I'm allowed to be excited. Half the student body thinks I'm going to murder them, the other half look a cross being terrified and awed, I'm a free man and Harry is going to be his grown up scrawny little self in no time." His leg jiggled the more he spoke.
Sirius had found way too enjoyment from strutting through the Great Hall, not from the teacher's entrance but the big double doors that the students used, free of enchantments and completely, without mistake, Sirius Black. (He had wanted to come roaring in on his motorcycle, but Dumbledore had vetoed that idea, saying that given half the chance he'd run over his Potion's Master and well, he really didn't want to have to hire another one half way through the year and the paperwork…)
Speaking of Dumbledore, he was currently tapping his goblet, the louder than usual talk rumbling down to first a murmur and then, silence. The tail end of McGonagall's question ("-ust don't understand why this is being done in front of the student body?") was the last of the noise. People were still giving Sirius unsure looks and he was revelling in it.
Dumbledore gave the room as a whole a wide smile. "I'm sure Mr. Potter can not wait to be back with us and I have no doubt that from here on out, he will be far more cautious in accepting any food or drink off Messrs Weasley and Weasley," amused eyes caught the Weasley twins even as they sank in their seats - could have something to do with the furious look McGonagall was giving them - as several people tittered. "So without further ado, many thanks to our resident Potion's Master for cooking up a cure so quickly, let us welcome him back. Severus?"
Dumbledore was all flourish and showmanship whereas Severus… was decidedly not.
Standing, all black robes and scowls, he turned to the child who was currently sat on top of the table, smearing mash into his toes, and forced his head back before pouring something down it. Harry was sure to get a good bite in, coughing and spluttering, highly unimpressed.
"Hey… Sirius… you said you were going to change him into some more age appropriate clothes," Remus muttered, only now eyeing the little romper suit with a furrowed brow. That would not fit a fifteen-year-old Harry. When he didn't get an answer, he looked to Sirius, who looked fit to burst from holding in laughter. "Sirius."
"What? So he's going to be naked in front of the whole of Hogwarts. I told him payback was a bitch. Serves the little Demon Child right."
"Merlin, Sirius, no. He was a baby."
Sirius, looking far from reprimanded, simply shrugged with a smile. "Too late now."
Everyone was staring at Harry, all waiting with bated breath for something to happen.
"'choo!" Sneezing, many people jumped, while Harry wiped his nose with hands covered in mash. He gave the room a toothy grin.
There were more than a couple beats of silence. Until… "Nothing's happening."
"Well, yes, Sirius, I can see that."
"Nothing's happening," Sirius said again, this time a bit louder. Murmurs started up around the Hall.
"I can see that, Siri-"
Sirius cut Remus off. "Nothing's happening!" As he spoke, he picked Harry up, hands around his waist and thrust him at Snape. "Why is nothing happening." It wasn't a question.
Harry lifted his leg up and stuck his mash-covered foot in his mouth and began to suck.
"I can assure you," Snape's voice was oily, "the potion is working as intended."
"He's a baby!" He gave Harry a little wiggle, causing his foot to pop out; Harry gave Sirius an unimpressed look before shoving it right back in, unconcerned with what was going on around him. "Doesn't look like it's working to me!"
"-Don't you 'now, Sirius' me, Dumbledore. You said he'd be back to normal. This isn't normal. How is this working?"
"And who, exactly," he said, voice smooth and dripping with contempt, "said it would work at once?"
"What?" said Sirius.
"What?" said Remus.
"Severus?" came Dumbledore's question.
The Muggleborns in the castle felt like they were watching a very bad soap.
Snape sighed out of frustration. "It is a slow acting potion. Silly of me to assume you would remember rudimentary potion properties." He sneered. "I'm unsure as to how you got it into that tiny little dog brain of yours that it would be an instantaneous reaction as soon as the potion was administered. I do not recall telling you as much."
"You didn't tell me at all!" Sirius spluttered. "Dumbledore told me!"
"And you," Snape replied easily, "didn't ask."
Grinding his back teeth together, Sirius nodded, putting his back to Snape so he could hand Harry over to a confused looking Remus. "Excuse me a minute." Before Remus could even work his tongue around the words 'don't', Sirius was already turning, fist balled up and clocking Snape right across the jaw.
The Hall erupted into cheers as the Potion's Master threw himself at Sirius, the other House's drowning out the Slytherin's enthusiastic shouts of, "Snape! Snape! Snape! Snape!" with a louder mantra of, "Black! Black! Black! Black!"
(Un)fortunately the fight didn't last long, Dumbledore breaking it up with an almighty bang from his wand and a blast that separate the pair. Hagrid grabbed Sirius before he could jump back into it. Snape's hair was hanging over his face, lip bloodied and as he snarled, yellow teeth were washed with red. Sirius had what looked to be the start of an epic shiner and blood that clearly wasn't his smeared over his knuckles.
"My office, gentleman."
No one argued with Dumbledore, more so when he used that tone of voice. The students let out an unhappy noise, saddened that their entertainment had ended. Harry was still sucking mash out from between his toes.
"That sort of behaviour is absolutely not tolerated. As Professors and as grown men, you ought to be ashamed of yourselves. I expected more from you both."
Sirius was staring at his feet and Snape was stood off in the corner of the room, arms crossed over his chest, and if looks could kill, Sirius would be playing Quidditch with James Potter right about now.
"It was his fault," Sirius muttered into his knees. "He started it." He completely missed the look Dumbledore gave him but he must have felt it because his mouth closed with a click and he said no more on the matter. Instead, he mumbled, "Sorry," and ducked his head even more.
With a pointed look, and clearly very reluctant and not sorry in the least, Snape finally gave his own sharp, "Apologies, Professor Dumbledore."
Dumbledore nodded, some of the softness returning to previously hard eyes. "Very well." Tenting his fingers, he looked over to Snape. "Now, Severus. Please do explain the antidote. I'm afraid I am to blame for Sirius' confusion - I incorrectly assumed that as soon as Mr Potter had taken your antidote, that he would, indeed, revert to his former self."
"And if I had been allowed to explain," came Snape's sullen reply, teeth flashing, "before being set upon by a rabid dog, I would have told Black," and yes, that name was said with a sneer, "that in order to keep his precious godson alive, and to not do He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named a favour, the potion has to work in stages."
"Do what in stages?" Sirius sneered.
Dumbledore gave them both a warning look, feeling like he was refereeing two unruly schoolboys.
"Grow up, you imbecile. Have you even been listening? It's a miracle the boy survived the de-aging process with the botched up job the Weasley twins did with the original potion. There's nothing to counteract the opuntia and calypso bulbous without stripping him of who he is; I assumed that was something you did not want. So, as much as I'd like Potter permanently out of my way, I decided against the satisfying alternative of giving him a heart attack by forcing him to go through several years of aging within a few seconds. Even broken bones take time to heal, Black. It is simply going to take time for him to grow up; physically, if not mentally."
Sirius was grinding his back teeth and was repeating Moony's mantra of 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all' over and over, so Dumbledore spoke for him. "And how long should it take until we have Mr Potter back to us?"
"Come September, he will be ready to rejoin his classmates. He should roughly age two years every month."
"Are you serious, right now?" Sirius burst out with before turning to Dumbledore with a warning finger pointed at him. "I am not in the mood for Sirius/serious jokes right now." Dumbledore might've closed his mouth, but his smile gave him away. "What're we going to do with him until then?"
"I do believe that I had a very angry young man telling me that I'm a 'silly ol' bugger', I believe the turn of phrase was, for thinking that you weren't going to be their for your godson and raise him if the situation called for. You are no longer a convict, Sirius. You are free to take him into your care if you so wish."
"Of course I do but Merlin… I'm kidnapping Moony. He'll have to help."
"Am I to assume that you're handing me your notice, Professor Noir?"
"Oh, with pleasure. I'm sure Moony will stay until the end of the year but yeah, no. No. Not me. This isn't for me. We're going to make some happy memories at Grimmauld Place, that's what we're going to do."
Dumbledore clapped his hands, smiling. "Excellent. See how this was solved without the need for fisticuffs?" Snape clearly didn't appreciate being patronised. "You are both dismissed. Severus, you have been indispensable as always. Sirius, it has been a pleasure working with you."
Snape swept out, robes swirling around his feet and Sirius saluted the headmaster before leaving.
"Two years a month?"
"Hmm… he should be ready to come back to Hogwarts in September, with some time for some Summer Remedial courses I figure beforehand."
Remus looked at the napping, and deceivingly innocent looking, baby Harry and blew out a breath of air. "It'll… be interesting, to say the least."
"I've already told Dumbledore I'm kidnapping you to help, just so you know. I can't bring him up by myself without drop kicking him down a flight of stairs. I love the kid, don't get me wrong, but I'm pretty sure James was high when he appointed me his godfather."
"Me too," Remus answered easily, ignoring Sirius' pout. "You know I'll help you. I've always regretting not being able to be there for him the first time. He's a handful but he's…"
"Yeah," Sirius said, once it was clear Remus wasn't going to say anything more. "I know what you mean. Our next adventure?" He was grinning.
Remus couldn't help but to grin back in reply. "Our next adventure. And where is this adventure starting?"
Sirius grimaced as he replied. "Grimmauld Place… I know, I know, don't look at me like that. We'll cover up the banshee also known as my esteemed mother's portrait - you have no idea what I'm on about, but I went to have a look at the place before coming back here after seeing Dumbledore and seriously, my mother had a portrait of herself literally stuck to the wall to scream at 'unpure' people, but it'll be fine," he added at the look he was getting, "it'll be finnnnne - and do some cleaning and I know I swore I'd never go back there again but she's dead and the old place should see what happiness looks like at least once in its sorry life, right? We can make this work."
Remus, still unconvinced, merely hummed. "When are we leaving?"
"End of the week," Sirius bounced on his toes, clearly excited. "And I can't wait."
And there we have it. Nappies and Naked Dancing is now complete! That took far longer than it should've. The sequel's first chapter will be out in a couple of months. How exciting, right? If anyone has ideas, or things they would like to see, drop me a message and I'll see what I can do. I have nothing for this sequel - not even a title.
There will be one more chapter posted here in the next couple of days or a week - the originally story that I've been working from and editing. Because you know what? I'm not ashamed of it. It's terrible and so cringe-worthy - it's had me in stitches so many times, that it's got to be shared. It was my first real fanfic that I wrote way back in the early 2000s, possibly late 1999. Just in case anyone is curious.
It's been a bumpy ride and I'd like to thank each and every one of you for being here alongside with me. THANK YOU.