The Village

DISCLAIMER: The Village and all related titles, characters, and ideas are property of M. Night Shyamalan. Though I wish it were mine, it is based totally off of his work. All other characters mentioned otherwise in this chapter are property of their respective owners. This disclaimer goes for all the chapters in this story. Also, I'm terribly sorry if while you are reading this you are deeply hurt by something I say about you. In other words, be a nice director and don't sue me. Thank you for your time.

Author's Note: I couldn't find a script or screenplay for this, so I'm making vague references to what I can remember from the movie. If it is all flip-flopped around, just imagine the whole movie is like that last half hour or so when it is flipping between when Ivy doesn't and does know. Typical M. Night Shyamalan, in my odd mind. (jumps off cliff)

Ch1: Opening

A funeral scene is depicted. There is a man sobbing uncontrollably over a coffin, and a crowd gathered around it. A preacher is talking. Annoyingly fast violin music plays. The man is muttering in low tones about "how much we'll miss you", "you still owe me money, you jerk", you know. Average funeral stuff. In his gasping sobs, the man falls into the grave, making a loud thunk, averting everyone's attention from the sermon. They look at the disgruntled man climbing out of the grave, muttering curses under his breath. He then pulls out his wand and casts Expecto Patronum, making a large shimmering armadillo fly out of the tip of his wand and kill the nearest person.

M. Night Shyamalan: Wrong movie, idiot!

Donald Trump: You're fired!

M. Night Shyamalan: How did you get here?

Donald Trump: I dunno.

M. Night Shyamalan: Are you actually here at all?

Donald Trump: Um... uh... (disappears in a puff of logic)

M. Night Shyamalan: Anyway, erm... yeah keep going. No more Harry Potter crud. (voice lowers) Who in the bloody heck's patronus is an armadillo? What in the...

The man then gets up out of the hole, and smoothes his hair down. The sermon continues.

Preacher Man Bob: The radio jumped! It jumped; into the bathtub with Brother Wade...

The scene fades as Shyamalan smacks his forehead.

There is a mass of people crowded around three tables, one longer than the other two. Mr. Walker stands up to give the Sunday prayer.

Mr. Walker: We came here to start a life anew. You may wonder why in the ruddy heck we settled here in the first place, but anyways. We are thankful.

He falls asleep. His wife elbows him in the solar plexus, and he wakes up.

Mr. Walker: For the time that has been given us.

An ominous sound comes from the forest, sounding like a dying cow with bronchitis that is drowning in a pool of chocolate syrup. Don't ask me how I know what that sounds like.

Noah: They're coming... They're coming!

Mrs. Clack shoots a dart at him with her blowgun and he falls unconscious.

After the dinner scene, there are two women on their front porch sweeping. One of them wails her broom around wildly, attempting to spin around. She hit's Woman #2 in the face, sending her flying five feet and knocking her unconscious.

M. Night Syamalan: Bloody heck...

Woman #1: Oh I'm so sorry!

Apparently Woman #1 didn't realize that #2 was unconscious. She then spots a small red flower and screws up her face, making a freakish gasping noise that seemed as if she was choking on something. She then picks the flower and buries it, apparently not realizing that by burying a flower it will grow back.

M. Night Shyamalan: Idiot...

Scene fades.