Author's note: Well, this sounded like a fun
thing to write. I just hope you enjoy it as much as I did. :-) Have mercy for my
spelling and grammar.
Disclaimer: These character belong to George Lucas
(well, not all of them) and I don't make any money by writing this.
I wonder if my master is still
That might sound ridiculous. I
mean, after what I've done, after all this time, all these days when I've been
dishonoring his teachings, I wonder if he's alive.
I should know I guess, but I
don't. I don't have an idea.
What would he say if he were here,
if he saw me now?
Accuse me? Help me to escape?
Not that it is possible.
Probably he'd just turn away
in disgust. Why should he acknowledge me as his apprentice? It was a very long time since
I rejected him as my master. And there's no reason to change that tonight, is it?
But stillsome parts of me
wish he was here now. Here to talk to me, to ask me what happened, to give me that calm
stare of his and then wonder if I'm proud of where I am, what I've become.
If it was worth it.
To be frank – and
there's no reason why I shouldn't, after all, soon it won't matter – I
don't know. It could have. That it ended up this way was just an accident.
But he is not here. Maybe
he's not even alive. He will never know what happened to his student, the one he
Sure, he saw me change. He would
have been a fool not to. And my master was never a fool. Except from the day he chose me
as his padawan, perhaps. But I don't know. Maybe it could have been all different.
Maybe I want to believe that.
Yes, he saw me change. He saw me
turn away, out of reach, never to come back. But he never knew why. I don't believe
anyone did. I shouldn't care, really. But, oddly, I do. I really wish I could tell
him, make him understand.
So, my beloved master, I'll
tell my tale, and hope that you – if you're still alive – will find it one
day. And if you're dead, I hope someone else does, someone in tune with the Light
Side, so that he, when he dies and joins the Force, can tell you what I've said.
So that you one day will
understand what brought me here, to this place this cold, unrelenting night.
I hated him.
More than you ever can imagine. If
you'd known hate like this, you wouldn't be able to resist, not any more than I
And it was easy to hate him. He
was just the kind of a guy. I mean, he had everything!
And you know, he didn't have
to fight for it either. As soon as he appeared, everything got all right.
He was accepted at the temple at
the age nine – and what kind of a thing is that?! – and was taken as a padawan
As if that wouldn't be
enough, he was treated like some sort of god, being the Chosen One, and all.
He could do whatever he wanted.
The Council didn't give a fuck. After all, he was supposed to save the galaxy, and
you can't treat him like a mortal being, huh?
Yeah, he was good. I'll admit
But no one ever questioned it! It
was just a certain thing, Anakin Skywalker is the greatest, he makes everything. Yeah
right. But in the end he died, huh?
If there was a mission, whom did
they send? Obi-Wan Kenobi, and of course, his INVALUABLE PADAWAN, THE GREAT ANAKIN
SKYWALKER, SAVIOR OF THE GALAXY.
Yeah, they were heroes before he
turned eighteen. But then came the Clone War. And they turned into legends.
And you know, it wasn't only
the people out there that was fooled. It was just the same in the temple.
He'd got it all.
Friends, good looks, stardom and
then of course, his incredible midichlorian count. C'mon, even Enigma liked him. And
she uses to contempt most Jedi.
You know, I could have forgiven
him that. What kind of a guy do you think I am? I don't begrudge anyone anything.
But then there was Ryalla.
You remember her? I believe you
did. After all, she came and saw me pretty often. You know we loved each other.
But you don't know that love
is what has brought me here. Or did you? Maybe you suspected it.
I would like to know, did you
know? But then, for Force's sake, if you knew what love could dowhy didn't
you stop me?
Why the hell didn't you stop
We had known each other since I
was one, and she a month younger. We grew up together. And when she turned fifteen, I fell
in love with her.
That's not so weird, is it?
And it could have turned out fine.
I know she loved me. We could have married, and then had the greatest of lives together.
But then Anakin Skywalker entered
He was as old as I, and had been
in the temple for six years. But until now, he had gone along quietly. Or pretty quietly.
But now, things were happening. He
was getting bigger and bigger, and people was talking. Everybody knew who he was.
I didn't care about
Skywalker. Ryalla and I were dating, that's what mattered.
Remember that time, master? I was
never so happy
And you smiled at me, and gave me
permission to see her. Do you regret it now?
It feels so strangetalking
about love now. Did this really happen to me? Is it true that I loved once, a long
time ago? It would seem impossible to believe
Somewhere along the road they
became friends, she and Anakin. Well, that's no crime. But then she fell in love with
I shall be fair. He did nothing to
encourage her. He never seemed interested in girls that way. Had his mind set on Amidala
even then, I guess
At first, I didn't know what
was going on. But I noticed she was drifting away from mebut when I asked her, she
just made a joke about it, and then we talked about other things.
But then, slowly, when she was
spending less and less time with me, and more with him I started to understand.
I didn't want to believe it,
I made excuses for her,
everything. She was in love with me, wasn't she?
But as things went on, I
couldn't ignore it anymore.
And then, only a few days before
the Clone Wars broke out, I put her against the wall, and this time she confessed. She was
in love with Anakin Skywalker.
Force, I was crushed. I'd
been suspecting it, had known it all the time, but now that I got it thrown in my face, I
didn't know what to say.
And I am afraid I cried.
I told her I loved her. That I
would do anything for her.
But she wouldn't listen.
I said he would never love her
like that. Everyone knew he was in love with the former Queen of Naboo. She just looked at
me with her big, gray eyes and told me she had to try.
Tonight she would go to him, and
tell him she loved him. She hoped he would realize she was the right one for him, that
they would be happy together.
Our relationship was over.
She went over to me, and caressed
"I'm sorry, Kev, but I
have to. I cannot lie to my heart. And I would never lie to you."
I said nothing. She looked down,
then looked back at me, and there was no doubt in her voice.
"I'll do what I must.
Please wish me luck."
Then she went out of the room, not
turning once. I just stood there, watching my beloved leave.
And with her – even though I
didn't know it then – my soul.
Even that, I could have forgiven
He turned her down.
Not unkindly – of course the
great Anakin Skywalker would never hurt anyone – but he turned her down.
And just a few months later he
And that, dear master, is what I
never can forgive him.
He stole my Ryalla from me. Then
he chose another girl over her, after he had crushed her heart. And mine –
Ain't that weird? If he had
accepted her, taken the gift she wanted to give him, I would have survived itBut
that he turned her down. He didn't want what she had. He didn't want the things
I'd dreamed of.
Is that reason enough to hate him?
I think it is. Is it reason enough to do all the things I have done, just to end up here?
No. I guess not. But yet,
that's the way it turned out.
I was wretched.
You knew that, didn't you?
But you didn't say anything, just showed me - through you kindness - that I could
talk to you if I wanted.
I never doubted that. Never. But I
didn't want to talk.
I kept on going.
I trained. Harder than ever
before. You saw that too, didn't you? But you thought it was just a way to get over
Ryalla. And it was. And maybe it would have worked.
I didn't see her again. Or
well, I did SEE her. In the corridors, in the other end of a room, you know, things like
that. But we didn't talk.
And she never came back to me.
But I don't know. Even if she
had, I don't believe we would have been able to bring back what we once had.
I still loved her, that's for
sure, but what we'd shared was gone for good. It disappeared as she did the same out
through my door.
I heard about it in the cantina.
Someone said Anakin Skywalker would marry senator Amidala of Naboo.
I was devastated.
I mean, if I'd heard he would
marry Ryalla, maybe I'd accepted it, but Amidala
Don't ask for logic.
It's just my feelings. And now that's against all your teachings, master. But
then again, most of what I've done these last years are.
I saw it on the holo. We
weren't invited – we didn't know him that well. But you know that. I
can't say if Ryalla was. Either way, she wasn't there.
I saw them, this young, beautiful
couple smile like they were in heaven, and I thought of Ryalla, and how she left me and
ran to him just to be rejected.
And I hated them, master. Hated
them so much.
And that was when I decided to
For crushing her heart? No.
That's not the truth. I wanted to make the pay for crushing my heart. In the
end, I crushed myself. You would have told me that, had I asked you. But I didn't
ask. I hated.
You never knew this, did you?
You just saw that change. Of
course you did.
Cause you see, master. From that
day on I lived only for my revenge.
I trained harder than ever. If
you're planning to fight the Chosen One, then you don't come unprepared. When I
thought myself to be ready I would strike. And I trained harder and harder so that the day
for my attack wouldn't be long in coming.
You were worried about me, I know.
You tried to talk to me so many times. I wouldn't listen.
I thought you were a nosy fool. I
ask you to forgive me that. You only tried to save me.
It was impossible, master.
Don't think "if only". There is no such sentence. There was nothing you
I was too far-gone.
But you tried one last time. You
remember that night, don't you? That night when you realized I truly was on the Dark
Side. I didn't. And I didn't believe you when you told me.
So I left you. And I never came
That's another weird thing. I
hated them, more than you can imagine. I knew I hated them. I knew I lived for my revenge.
Still, I wouldn't admit I had embraced the Dark Side.
Pride, I guess.
Pride has destroyed many lives.
I hated you then, master. I had
nowhere to go, no place where I could plan and train and prepare myself. And I'd been
so close to succeeding. I had already set the date when you made me leave.
No. That's unfair. You
didn't really make me leave. I know that. But it felt that way then.
At first, I didn't know what
But I wouldn't let anything
I lived for my hate. And the hate
ate me, consumed my soul until nothing was left but cold darkness. Not even my love for
I left Coruscant on a big
freighter. Wound up on a small dirtball called Kothlis. I stayed there, in a very small
town. I took it over. I ruled it. I was the Dark Jedi. It was first then I accepted my
fall. Not that I saw it as a fall.
You frown. You never heard of
that, did you? Neither did the Council. The town was a rotten place. No one cared about
it. No one cared about whom ruled it. Therefor you never knew.
I didn't really enjoy it. It
was too small, too petty to please me. I felt petty myself, ruling such a low place.
But I stayed.
I told myself I wouldn't last
for long. Only until I got a chance to kill the Skywalkers.
Two years passed. I turned
twenty-three. But I was already an old man.