AN: Dunno if I'll keep going or end it here. Just something i thought of while listening to depressing country radio and thinking of what to write for an essay. Non-spellchecked because microsoft word is being funky today on my computer and I"m not gonna push my luck so sorry ahead of time. Enjoy and review!
Sara once said she had a brother. I can't quite remember when, but she mentioned it. One time in all the 5 years I've known her. Maybe she mentioned it to the others and didn't think to tell me. Maybe she said something and I didn't pay attention. I only wonder now because I'm standing in her living room waiting for her. We're supposed to be meeting the others at the diner in 30 minutes before our shifts start. She's just getting ready. I wonder only because there's a picture above the fireplace surrounded by others. This one's of Sara when she was about 13 and there's a boy the same age who looks like her. They look close as they sit on the beach together. They have the same hair and same dark brown eyes. Same smile too. Has to be a brother. What happened to him though?
Sara walks out and I turn to her. She stops when I ask of the brother. Sara tries to tell me we'll be late, but I don't back down. I just see the pain in her eyes and I need to know what caused it. Who caused it. Sara begs me to drop it, but I can't. I don't care if it hurts her, It hurts me to see her like this. I want to know why she's in so much pain. I just ask his name then.
Malokai, Her brother's name is Malokai Kenneth Ramirez. Wait, Ramirez. I look at her questioning and she obviously noticed her slip up too. She looked away closing her eyes, obviously silently praying that I didn't notice. I don't say anything, I just let my mind wander. Why the different names? What could have happened? Married? Divorce of the parents? Foster care? That last one is scary to me. To think that if that were true that we don't know Sara truely. It can't be.
I look at her and the words Foster care come out of my mouth in a question. She winces. Actually winces. Visible to the naked eye from about 20 feet away, Sara Sidle, who is one of the strongest girls I know, winces. By now my mind's running wild with all possiblilities of why she would be in foster care. Why Malokai would never be brought up. With our jobs at CSI a lot of greusome things are popping into my mind right now. Why is all I ask her. I just simply ask why. That dinner date with the gang is completely forgotten and uncared for right now because all I care about is why Sara and Malokai had to get into foster care? Then I think, did Malokai even make it to foster care?
Sara sits on the couch and I'm still standing looking at her unable to move from shock. She stares at the ground and all that's heard is silence. I can't even hear my breathing over my blood pumping. Her voice scares me. Sara sounds so broken as she tells the story. A voice is screaming in my head as she tells it for her to stop but I try and silence it because I need to know, I want to know. I want to know what happened to the girl who I think of as a sister almost. I need to know because I can't stand back and pretend that Sara hasn't been hurt in the past. I can't pretend she'll never break. I realize as she tells her story, she already has, and just hasn't healed.
She finishes the story and I'm in shock. A tear trickles down her face and before I realize it I'm holding Sara on the couch next to her as she breaks down in sobs. Her dad used to hit them both. He was a psychotic drunk. One day he decided that he didn't want kids anymore and grabbed a knife. He stabbed Malokai to death in front of Sara as she was screaming at him to stop. Her dad didn't end it there. He turned to Sara and stabbed her with the same knife. 13 times in the chest. She should have died but didn't. She lay their bleeding as her dad tossed the knife and smirked at her. Then her mom walked in and screamed at the blood. Without even thinking she her husband's arm dragging him to run off so they wouldn't go to jail. They ran while Sara passed out on the brink of death, and were eventually caught. Police ran in about 30 minutes later and Sara was on her last end. She survived it though without complications.
It makes me remember that last month Sara and Catherine had that arguement where Catherine commented how Sara went off the deep end when a domestic abuse case came up. I get it now. I just wish that I could kill Catherine for making Sara remember that. I just wish I could take all her pain away. Our cells are ringing but we ignore them as we just hold on for dear life. Sara's shaking stops, but she's still holding on. I've had my share of crying women. Hell I grew up with 5 sisters. But this time it's different. She's not only holding on to me, I'm holding onto her. I don't want to let go because if I do I think I'll break. I can't let go right now because I'm afraid I'll lose her.
I tell Sara I'm sorry. She asks for what. In all truth I have no idea what I'm sorry for. There are so many things. I tell her them all. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for her. I'm sorry she had to see that. I'm sorry she had to live through that. I'm sorry she had to hold that all in. I'm sorry I never got close enough for her to feel she could tell me this before. I'm sorry I never told her that I'm glad she stayed in Vegas when she could have gone back to Cali. I'm sorry I distanced myself after the shift split. Damn it, I'm sorry for everything that could have added onto her pain. I'm sorry for anything that could have pushed something in her memory and made her hurt.
She whispers that she's sorry too. I tell her not to be. She did nothing wrong. Sara tells me she can't do this anymore. She can't stay here in Vegas if everything keeps coming back. She reveals that she handed in her two weeks last night. She's moving back to California because of her past interfering with work, and Eklie saying that her past will compromise a case. She's giving up and all this time, I realize, she's been crying out for help, but I didn't realize it. I beg her to stay, I need her to stay, but she tells me she can't.
I don't want her to leave. Sara's just been there whenever I needed her to be. She didn't have to do anything, but just having her be around was good enough therapy for me. I need her. I ask her to please stay and she doesn't say anything, I tell her I need her to stay and she just looks at me and whispers why? Why? I just do. That's not a good enough answer though. Why do I need her to be here? I need to tell her the truth and how do I fit it in something simple. God the girl I love is about to leave and I'm- Wait. Love? Do I love her? God. When did I start that? Do I really love Sara Sidle? I tell her that. I want her to stay because I love her. She shakesher head and says no I don't. But I do. God I have to convince her I do. I tell her about how I just need her to be here. How I've loved her since I set eyes on her but have been to afraid to persue my feelings. She still shakes her head. I'll scream it from the tallest building in the city. I'll proclaim it to the world. I need Sara to know that I really do love her.
Sara starts to softly cry again saying that no I don't. She doesn't deserve it. I'm wrong. God I could kill her dad for putting these thoughts in her head. I tell Sara that I know what I feel and I love her. She deserves to be loved in this world like anyone else and that I want to make sure she feels that love. I want to be able to be with her every day. I want her to know that I love her. I want her to know that she's on my mind all the time. I want her to know that she's the reason I keep going on day by day, so that I can see her.
We missed the dinner and I should be in work by now. My cell is ringing and I'm not answering it. I ask why she needs to get away. Why Sara suddenly feels this need to distance herself and break away. Her dad broke out of jail and called her. I'm suddenly terrified with her. I tell her we need to get help and she shakes her head. She doesn't care anymore. She doesn't want to have to fight anymore. I hold her and tell her that I'll fight for her. No one has to know. She says no matter how I wish, I can't always be there. I smile and whisper to her 'watch me'. I'll do whatever I can to keep her safe. I don't want her hurt ever again. I'll make sure someone's with her always when I can't be. She doesn't want to have to do this CSI shit anymore. Sara tells me how anyone who has one mark that was similar to hers in the past...after Catherine's argument, where she told Grissom, Eklie found out...it just kills her because she remembers the pain.
I hold her and tell her we'll make it work. I don't know when in my mind we finally became a we but it feels damn good to finally be that. I tell Sara that I'll be here to help her through. Everything will be fine. My cell starts to go off again and she whispers to me that I have to get it. She called me Cowboy. She's lightening up a bit, but it will be awhile before we're both okay. I don't know where okay is, but we'll eventually get there. I grab my cell phone and smile at Sara. We'll turn out alright. Even though we're not even close. It will work out just fine. We just have to make sure she's okay. I'll kill myself if she's hurt. I answer my phone and a new season of my life begins.