Title: Best Laid Plans

Author: Asuka Kureru, from one of Kineko's plotbunnies.

Fandom: Naruto

Pairing(s): narusasu

Genre: humor

Warnings: OMG HET AND YURI! XD I'm awful. OOC of the drunken kind. Silliness. Some angst here and there - but very little of it.

Beta: Saro Lynne. :loves on:

Notes: ahh, how I love the Sexy no Jutsu.
This is the R-version of a NC-17 fic. If you want the hentai version, with actual yuriness (you little perverts), go to my profile and follow the link.

-

Itachi was dead. Sasuke was satisfied. He would have been more satisfied if he'd killed the bastard himself, but it was the end result that counted. Right? Right. He was not resentful in the least that the idiot, dead-last Naruto had gotten to off him. After all, the second part of Sasuke's life was starting now, the part that involved him, a wife (or several) and a truckload of red-eyed children, and he couldn't be a good, responsible clan head if he couldn't let go of his childish, misplaced resentment. He wasn't a petty, resentful boy any longer. He could see the bigger picture. He was a man - or he would be one soon, anyway. As long as he figured out who of the girls who courted him would be the best genetic match.

And there was one way to figure that out... Get his hands on the scroll that contained the genetic make-up of his clan. There would be another scroll with it with the percentages of Uchiha blood in each Uchiha clan member, offering the best matches so that fewer non-carriers were born, but it didn't matter as much to him. Sasuke was from the main branch. He was an Uchiha on so many generations, on both sides of his genealogic tree, that there was just no way he could not transmit the Sharingan gene. But he'd been a child the last time he'd heard about the scrolls, so he wasn't entirely sure about the best way to make sure that his children ended up not only carriers of the Sharingan, but also able to manifest it. For some it was easy to awaken that power, for some harder - for some, it was just impossible, that much he remembered; but he couldn't tell why.

Finally, he found the hidden safe in his father's office and after getting past a few dozen traps, he managed to open it. His fingers were covered in little cuts and his bangs were singed, but it didn't matter. He pulled the scrolls out, hands shaking just barely, quickly read the titles - aha! This one! It was the one he wanted. Unable to wait, he sat, there on the floor, unrolled it and started to read.

Then he closed it, checked the title again, and looked inside a second time.

Then he checked the safe again, just to be sure that he hadn't mixed it up with the right one.

Then he dug out his father's official seal and liberally used it on a piece of paper that he'd knocked out to compare it to the stamp on the scroll.

Then, only then, did he start to laugh.

And cry.

-

Naruto found him on the bridge where Team Seven used to meet every morning, back when they were Genins. Except that it wasn't morning at all, and Sasuke wasn't standing, his back to one of the pillars and his arms crossed in a "I'm cooler than you" pose. He was sitting at the edge, his forehead pressed to the wooden guardrail, his legs swinging slowly over the water. There were a few bottles around him.

Sake bottles. Naruto wondered if Sasuke had hit his head and had become amnesiac and then totally changed his personality, or maybe if someone of Ino's family had stolen his body for some nefarious purpose - or maybe if it was an illusion.

Yeah, the illusion thing was more probable, what with being a ninja and all that.

So he kicked it. It seemed like a good idea at the time, really.

Two seconds later he was resurfacing, coughing up water and glowering somberly at his teammate, who was still sitting on the bridge with his legs swinging and glowering right back.

"Moron."

"Bastard."

Naruto's pants made a weird squelching noise when he sat at the edge of the bridge. Sasuke gave him a sidelong glare, but didn't edge away, even when a trickle of water made its way to his own shorts. He was too busy drinking to move.

"... Sake." Naruto shook his head, still having some trouble believing it.

A bottle materialized just under his nose.

"Drink and shut the hell up."

Like most enthusiastic, life-loving young adults, Naruto liked good alcohol. Sasuke wasn't cheap. That was good sake. He drank it. He didn't shut the hell up that long, though.

"What's the occasion?"

"Shut up."

"Nope. What's the occasion?"

"I'm going to shove that bottle up your nostril."

"Not scared. What's the occasion?"

"I'm going to shove that bottle up your ass."

"Mmm, figure out if that's a threat or a proposition first, kay? What's the occasion?"

Sasuke blinked, seemed to turn that sentence over in his head, then spluttered. "I hate you."

"Yeah, I hate you too."

"It's your fault."

"What's my fault?"

"You killed Itachi!"

Naruto winced. All that over a dead guy? Sasuke had wanted to kill him anyway. "Uh, I didn't mean to. I promise, next time I'm captured by psychopaths who want to split me open, I'll be sure to keep from defending myself."

"I hate you."

Naruto wondered if Sasuke had even heard him.

"Okay, so you hate me, it's my fault. I killed Itachi. Why was killing Itachi bad?"

"Because."

"Because he was yours to kill? I've told you, I'm sorry-"

"Because then I could have made him deal with this mess! Or at least tortured him a little. Or something. I bet he knew, the bastard. I should have made him pay so much for that."

Sasuke's face took on a disturbingly happy expression at the mention of torture. Naruto realized that he must have drunk more than he'd believed at first. Or maybe Sasuke was just a lightweight.

"What mess?"

"THAT MESS!" Sasuke suddenly yelled, waving a heavy, tasseled, gilded scroll about. Naruto had to jump forward to grab it when it slipped out of his hand. He ended up balancing over the cold, cold river, only holding on to the edge by a hand, one of his feet stuck to the underside of the bridge in a way that twisted his back so bad, he was probably going to need physical therapy.

Sasuke snickered. Bastard.

"You look like a pretzel."

"You look like a dead man."

Naruto managed to swing back on the bridge, then slipped over an empty bottle and almost brained himself on the guardrail. Sasuke snickered again.

Naruto gave him a nasty glare. Sasuke snickered more.

Then he started to giggle.

Then Naruto got mildly freaked out.

"... here. Drink a little more." He forced a full bottle in Sasuke's hands. It probably wasn't intelligent to give him more alcohol, but leaving his mouth empty meant letting him the ability to ... giggle more, and that was too scary to contemplate. Maybe he could lead him to drink himself into a coma. When he woke up with the hangover of the century, Naruto was sure he would hurt too much to giggle.

Obligingly - more obligingly than he ever acted sober, that was for sure - Sasuke drank more. Naruto unrolled the scroll and started to read.

After a few lines, he had to stop, wondering if that was a secret language only Uchiha family members knew about. "Uh. Uhm."

"Yeah!" Sasuke nodded, glaring fiercely. "It's so - so sucky! So... stupid. So. So-"

"Uh, Sasuke. I didn't understand. What does it say?"

To his great horror, Sasuke's expression crumpled. "It says- it says-"

Naruto wondered if he could run away fast enough that he could pretend he hadn't seen him start to bawl. But luckily, Sasuke brought himself under control before that could happen.

Then he started to swear, smashing his bottle on one of the pillars in anger. Naruto edged away, even as he noted down some of the insults used. He'd never known Sasuke could be so inventive.

Visibly he was too shell-shocked/pissed off to be coherent. Maybe Naruto needed to approach it differently. "Okay. Start from the beginning."

"You killed Itachi."

Naruto cut him off before he could start to swear again. "Uh, yeah. That's the beginning of the big problem?"

"No."

"What is, then?"

"Itachi killed the clan. AND HE KNEW. I bet the bastard knew! I bet he thought to himself; 'however will I make my dear little brother's life awful today? Why, I know, I'll just MAKE HIM REVIVE THE CLAN BY HIMSELF'. Fucking twisted sadistic bastard."

"Uh. And that's awful? I mean - the no clan thing is pretty awful, but the reviving part - you just need to find yourself a pretty girl, and you know you have your pick of them..."

Sasuke stared at him. Naruto started to feel nervous.

"Well, really! I mean - maybe you could even have concubines and everything; I'm sure they'd make a derogation for you, and everything. I envy you, you bastard."

Sasuke kept staring.

"... What...? Is there a problem with having your own harem? You're damn lucky, I wouldn't mind being in your place. I mean, okay, raising so many kids will be tough, but the impregnating part of the deal is gonna be... S-sasuke?"

Sasuke was getting up. Slowly, wobblingly. He was still holding the broken bottle like a weapon. And he looked crazier than he'd ever been under Orochimaru's curse seal. Naruto started actually fearing for his life.

"... What's the matter...? You're gay? A virgin? You, uh. You're scared of women? You -"

"The Uchiha," he breathed out with a control that was so absolute it scared Naruto silly, "is a matrilineal clan."

"A matriwhat?"

Sasuke growled - or maybe it was a whimper. And then he laughed, and it was Naruto who started whimpering.

"The sharingan. See?" he pointed to his own eyes, which were swirling like windmills. Naruto nodded quickly, indicating that yes of course he saw, he understood everything and please Sasuke stop looking crazier than Kyuubi on crack, please- "...is passed down. Through. Women."

"Huh?"

"Meaning that I can impregnate as many girls as I want, and none of the children will be Uchihas. Oh, about half of them will carry the gene, but it will be dormant. Do I need to explain that to you, Naruto-kun?" he asked in a sweet voice, advancing toward him.

Naruto started crawling back. "No, no, that's okay. I understand. Honest I do." What he did understand right now, was that Sasuke was drunk, and armed.

"Oh, of course, I can always wait for my daughters to have children, and then maybe about one out of eight of them will possess the sharingan - but a watered down version at best. Or else, if I want to make sure that their children will be Uchihas of the purest blood possible, I can impregnate my daughters myself. No way in hell."

Though he'd never had a family of his own, Naruto had no trouble putting up a sufficiently squicked expression. "Oh. Yuck."

"And I bet HE KNEW THAT. Why couldn't he have spared cousin Keiko's life instead! I never wanted to grow up to be a degenerate like him!" Sasuke started to pace, waving the broken bottle around angrily. "What the fuck is up with him? First he wants to make me into a coward and a backstabber, then he wants me to kill my best friend, then he wants me to fuck my daughters - what did he want me to grow up to be? Orochimaru?"

"Ehh, doubtful. I have a feeling Oro liked little boys better - eep!"

Naruto rolled on the side just as the bottle hit the pillar by his head and exploded, a few of the sharp edges staying stuck in the wood.

Sasuke looked incensed. "For your information, I have never looked at anyone younger than fifteen - uh."

During his twenty years of life, Naruto had developed a rather good system for dealing with drunks and crazed psychopaths. It went like this: smile, always agree, and don't forget to dodge. "Ah. Well, good. See, your brother's plan failed! You're not a creepy pedophile. You got the upper hand on him! Congratulations. Now put that down, okay?"

Sasuke had grabbed another bottle, and seemed not to know if he wanted to throw it or empty it down his throat.

"Come on, Sasuke, sit down and we'll talk about it. I'm sure there's a way!"

Sasuke glowered, not agreeing, but apparently his legs were on Naruto's side because suddenly they folded under him and he ended up sitting on the planks and blinking dazedly. Naruto plucked the bottle out of his hand, sampled it to give himself patience to deal with that crazy bullshit, and put it out of reach of his teammate.

"Uh, so. Fucking your daughters is out."

"Yes."

"Would that in vitro stuff work?"

"No. The egg has to be given by a Uchiha woman. Preferably one who managed to activate her sharingan. They're in rather short supply nowadays."

The sarcasm was so thick Naruto wondered how Sasuke could breathe through it. He lifted his hands in surrender. "Hey, just asking."

"I'm the last, you got that? The last! And I've got a dick! I can't give the fucking eggs! I can't bear the children! I could have avenged the clan, I could protect the clan, I could rebuild the whole district with my bare hands, I could do anything, but I can't! Fucking! Stop! Being! A man!"

Naruto blinked.

Sasuke blinked.

"Actually... you can."

Sasuke blinked again, owlishly, then seemed to get what Naruto meant. "... fuck, you're right."

They stared at each other in silence.

Then Sasuke started to shake his head quickly. "No. No. No way in hell. I'm a man. I'm not going to learn your stupid, disgraceful jutsu!"

"Is there any other choice?"

Sasuke crossed his arms, mulling it over.

"I'm a man."

"Yeah, but..."

"... But I must save my clan."

"Yeah."

"But I'm a MAN- but I can - I have to make that sacrifice..."

"Well, yeah. Sucks to be you, that's sure, but -"

"NINE MONTHS AS A GIRL."

Sasuke, Naruto had noticed, tended to raise his voice a lot when he was drunk. And he actually used varying inflections. This was weird, but still better than the crazed laughter from earlier.

"Hey, maybe you can just give eggs and then go back to being male. Right?"

Sasuke was too busy freaking out to listen to him. "No, no, no..."

Naruto sighed. Sasuke was way too drunk. "Oi, bastard. Activate your sharingan and look at me."

Sasuke was drunk. He obeyed. Naruto shaped the seals quickly, and - poof!

"Here, see? Not hard. I'm still the same inside."

Sasuke was staring, eyes a little wide. Naruto wondered why. It wasn't as if he'd never seen the Sexy no Jutsu, though of course it had been years since the last time Naruto had used it. (in front of other people at least.)

"Uh, Sasuke?"

Sasuke reached out and poked his cheek, still blinking.

"... What? Yeah, it's me. Naruto. Remember me?"

Usually, when Naruto was using the Sexy no Jutsu, he made sure to use the most simpering, seductive voice possible. But right now, he didn't feel like bothering. He wasn't trying to give Sasuke a nosebleed, after all.

It seemed like he was succeeding anyway.

"I don't know if I should find you hot or be squicked as hell. Do you have any idea what that jutsu does to your body? It's freaky."

"Hey!" Naruto drew himself up, hands on his (rather well-cushioned) hips, and glowered. "It's NOT freaky! It's a brilliant jutsu!"

Sasuke snorted. And then he poked his boob. Naruto gaped.

"It's freaky. It's not just illusion. It's like the kage bunshin. It's a real body. I say that's freaky. But yeah, rather brilliant."

Naruto gave him a cocky smile and tossed his head, the ponytails flying back over his shoulders proudly.

"Of course, one could argue that Orochimaru was brilliant too. Crazy and psychotic, but brilliant."

"You use way too many big words for a drunk man, you bastard," Naruto growled. "You must be more sober than I thought you were."

Sasuke nodded amiably - thus contradicting Naruto - and reached for another bottle.

"Nonono, put that down! ... Sasukeeeee..."

Sasuke wiped his mouth and grinned at him. Naruto cringed. Fangs would look so much more at home in his mouth that they looked in Naruto's. Quick, he had to distract him before the crazy bastard drank any more.

"Bet you can't do that jutsu. It's too brilliant for you."

Okay, that wasn't smart, but he knew Sasuke's buttons better than anyone and wasn't surprised when the crude manipulation actually worked.

"Oh yeah?"

Sasuke started moving his fingers, shaping the seals. Naruto's hand shot forward, grabbing his wrist.

"You're so drunk," he sighed as he tugged on Sasuke's wrist to get him to let go of the shape. "Your fingers are placed wrong. You're gonna give yourself a fat ass and no tits and no one will want you."

Unbalanced, Sasuke started to pitch forward.

He didn't fall so far.

"... comfy enough for you, bastard?"

Sasuke nuzzled Naruto's ample breasts thoughtfully. "Not that bad."

"... Jerk."

Naruto pushed him up, sat him straight again, making sure he was balanced. "Okay, now try again."

Sasuke did. Naruto stopped him a second time, sighing wearily. The drunk bastard was starting to list on the side. Naruto let him lean against his shoulder, and guided his hands.

The third time was much better.

"Huh. You're flat."

Naruto poked Sasuke's boob, in retaliation for earlier. It was a lot smaller than his was, which made Naruto proud. Of course, it was also high placed and quite well-formed. A dark brown nipple, not like his own pink ones. Naruto reminded himself that this was Sasuke's boob and it was really not appropriate to fondle a drunk teammate like that.

"... Hnnn. Stop groping me. I'm not flat. You're just fat."

"I'll have you know I have a perfect figure!"

"Yeah, and perfect girly screeching too." Sasuke's voice, while higher, still held the same cold, cultured contempt. Though the alcohol was slurring it quite a bit.

Naruto growled, and would have pounced, but then Sasuke started to shiver and crossed his arms to rub some warmth into them - and Sasuke was a damn pretty girl. Pale, slender, with graceful limbs and a cascade of dark locks spilling down her back like a mane, she looked shy, frail. Naruto didn't think that girl would have trouble finding someone to knock her up. As it was, it was hard not to change back into a man and offer her his jacket, chivalrously. Sadly, knowing Sasuke the jacket would end up in the river and his balls kicked up to his stomach if he ever dared it.

"You could have kept your clothes, you know."

With a little plop, Sasuke changed back. "What? How? You didn't show me that, you bastard!"

Naruto snorted as he turned back into a man. "It's an easy tweak, you know. Ah, since you're not smart enough to figure it out - here, watch." And he showed him the hand seals again. Sasuke automatically imitated them - plop, Sasuke was a girl again.

This time in something that resembled Sakura's old dress a lot, except without the shorts underneath, and as small as his breasts were, they were still a lot perkier than Sakura's at twelve ; Naruto stared with interest as the zipper went down a few inches. Mmm, cleavage.

"AHH! NARUTO!"

"Hey, it's all about concentration! I didn't tell you to change the clothes, you know, it's not my fault you weren't thinking about your own!"

"I wasn't thinking about Sakura's clothes!"

"I believe you," Naruto leered. "For one thing, hers was never slit that high on her thighs. Also, I'm pretty sure she used to wear underwear."

Sasuke looked confused for about all of two seconds, and then his hand slid under the dress. Naruto's eyes widened.

"Huh. You're right."

Naruto whimpered. He did his best to look innocent when Sasuke looked up, frowning, and was relieved when he picked up a bottle and started to drink again. It meant he wasn't noticing that Naruto couldn't help but stare at the hem of his dress. Jiraiya had finally contaminated him.

"Should change back and try again..."

"No- uh, that is -" 'oh god, I've turned into a raging pervert. That's Sasuke, my best friend, my best enemy- and he has legs up to there.' "-you need to get used to staying longer in that shape. It's hard work, you know, to balance the chakra flow just right. But if you already feel tired..."

Of course, Sasuke predictably latched onto the challenge. "I can stay in that stupid shape as long as you. Longer!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah! But," he added with contempt," I s'pose you can't. You're not even in that shape. You don't want to try. You know I'd win."

Incensed, Naruto switched back.

Naked.

... hewasn't frail, or sensitive to the cold.

Okay, he'd forgotten. So? He didn't mind the cold. And it was rather fun to see Sasuke's eyes cross when he sat back, hands provocatively on his hips.

"... hn."

"Right. So." Naruto racked his brain for a good subject of conversation. Maybe coming back to the root of the problem would be good, now that Sasuke had calmed down. Though - maybe not. Or maybe it would. ... argh.

"So, d'you know who you're gonna choose to be the daddy?"

Sasuke's face (even prettier now; that had been a shock) twisted in something that would have been anger or disgust if he'd been a boy, but with those delicate brows and those full lips, looked more like anguish. Naruto beat down another surge of protectiveness. Sasuke only looked like a damsel in distress. Underneath, he was a cold, ruthless bastard.

"... no."

"Believe me, no one will argue." If they didn't guess who he was, Naruto meant - because as doll-pretty as Sasuke was, he was still Sasuke, and most of the boys in the village hated him with a passion, either for stealing all of the girls, or for being a superior, smug, aloof son of a bitch. Maybe he should look into guys who were just as "cool" as he was... "Neji?"

Sasuke's face twisted a little more, as if every word tasted of lemon. "Powerful, already vaguely affiliated to the Uchiha, responsible and smart..."

"So it means yes?"

"We're talking about Hyuuga Neji. I have never tried to seduce a man before, I'd rather not start with an iceberg, thanks."

Naruto burst out laughing. That was so funny, he didn't know where to start replying. "Never tried? I thought you said you liked boys."

Sasuke spluttered. "I never said that! ... I didn't, did I? Oh shit."

Naruto snickered some more, and gave him a bottle to comfort him. "God, you're so drunk. Yes, you did. Sorta. Indirectly- whatever. You did."

Sasuke took a long swallow before he answered. "I just... watch. It's improper for someone like me to bother with male lovers. I have no time for fruitless ty- tru - trysts. Yeah, that's it."

"Oh."

"B'sides, girls aren't all bad either. 'xcept when they screech in my ear and grab me. 'm not a stupid trophy."

Naruto blinked. "Hey, you know, I never saw it like that. Always figured it would be neat to have lots of girls around..."

"It's bothersome."

"Heh, you sound like Shika - hey, why not Shika? He's uber super smart, and he's already a Chuunin and -"

"Smarts don't get passed down, 'n what do I care 'bout his rank? I only want his genes. Though, no, I don't. He has bad hair."

Sasuke shook his mane, sending dark locks flying around his face. Naruto knew girls who would have spent fortunes to find a hairdresser who could make their hair look that artfully messily layered. Naruto knew for a fact that Sasuke did his haircuts himself, with a kunai. Not always with a mirror.

"...Shino?" he proposed, trying not to shiver too visibly. Changing back to get clothed now would mean admitting defeat. No way.

"Have you ever seen Shino's eyes?"

"Uh, no?"

"That's b'cause he doesn't have any. His insects EAT 'em. Why the fuck would I bother having a sharingan baby if it's to have ants eat his eyes? I'd never do that to my babies. Never, never." Sasuke wound his arms around himself, as if hugging a child to his chest.

Naruto was torn between grimacing in disgust at the mental picture and going aww because right now, Sasuke was just plain cute.

"Lee?"

There was no reply, just a dark glare sent his way. He should have told Sasuke that with these lips, his frowns didn't come off as intimidating so much as pouty, but he didn't feel like it.

"Okay, let's say I didn't say anything. Don't get angry, but ... and Kakashi? He's got the sharingan, doesn't he?"

"Transplant, doesn't count. And yuck, it would feel even more like shagging my big brother than if I had with Itachi. 'xcept for the lack of blood and pain, 'f course."

"Yuck." Naruto didn't want to know how Sasuke knew what sex with Itachi entailed. He hoped it was an educated guess.

He moved a little so that Sasuke's body blocked the light draft. The evening was getting cooler and he wasn't that warm already. "Chouji?... hey, don't glare like that, I'm searching!"

Sasuke snorted and tried to punch his shoulder. He missed, ending up slumped against Naruto's side.

"Hey, you're heavy. Move."

Sasuke moved. Then slipped and fell back against his shoulder. Naruto decided to stop protesting. Sasuke's breasts felt very nice, and it had been ages since the last time he'd gotten a date; even longer since the date had contained making out. Besides, Sasuke was warm.

"Kiba?"

"Naruto, if I wanted a hyperactive father for my kids, I'd choose you."

"I can be hyperactive in bed too, you know - uhm. I mean- as long as it's not Iruka, you can take whoever you want. Just not Iruka." Maybe the earth would actually open up and swallow him - no, wait, they were over a river. Damn.

"No way. He's too old."

Grateful that they were moving past the subject and that his own father figure wasn't going to father the next litter of Uchihas, Naruto searched for another male to throw at his teammate. "Gaara- okay, no. Kankuro neither, that would be twisted..."

Sasuke was making himself heavier against Naruto's shoulder. His hair was tickling Naruto's back. It made him shiver.

"... Say... hey, why are you squirming so much?" Naruto had forgotten his question, distracted by Sasuke's moving around.

"Stupid breasts get in my way. Can't lean on 'em, it hurts. Rrgh."

Chuckling, Naruto turned around a little so that his arm wasn't pressed so much against Sasuke's chest.

It made their boobs touch. That was an interesting feeling.

Sasuke must have been thinking the same thing. Or maybe not, maybe that was wishful thinking, because he also looked worried. "... Hey... Have you ever... uh."

"Yeah?" Naruto encouraged him patiently.

"Have you ever... done it... like that?"

"Had sex as a girl, you mean?"

"Yes..."

Yeah, he was worried. It made Naruto feel guilty for enjoying the contact.

"Well... no. Never. But I've touched myself. It's nice. Very different. But nice. You should try it too... get used to it."

Naruto looked at the hand disappearing under Sasuke's dress like one would have watched a train wreck.

Well, one did not have erections in front of a train wreck. Not that he had one, right now, but seeing how warm his belly felt suddenly, he had no trouble judging how aroused he would have been otherwise. "H-hey! I didn't mean now!"

"Didn't say not now either. Want it over with quick. B'sides, you can tell me if I do it wrong."

Naruto whimpered. "You're kidding. Tell me you're kidding."

The little bastard actually bit his shoulder. It should have pissed Naruto off. It only made him gasp, swallow a moan.

"No," Sasuke grunted, glaring at him through his messy bangs.

Naruto blinked, and cupped Sasuke's chin, lifting it so he could see his face. Sasuke looked... drunk. Very drunk. But defiant, also - and scared, just a tiny little bit. It made Naruto's voice soften, just a little - he could always chalk it up to his girl voice being different than his boy voice if Sasuke got pissy because he was treated like a chick.

"Do you understand what you're proposing?"

"I understand that I'm a man except now I'm not, and if I want a child I'll have to bear it myself - nine months, nine months as a woman - and I'll have to have sex with a man and I'd rather you were there - I mean. To get used to it. The girl body, I mean. I mean... I'm drunk."

"Oh yeah," Naruto agreed. "Totally plastered."

He looked at Sasuke again, thinking. Sasuke was proud, and cold, and aloof, and strong-willed. Most of the time. But he didn't know how to deal with people that well, and he hated being vulnerable. And ending up in a weaker girl's body, underneath a man... it had to be pretty scary for someone like him.

Gently - with a gentleness he wouldn't have shown if they'd looked like usual - he wrapped an arm around Sasuke's shoulders, tugging him closer. He was warm. That felt good. He was lithe, and pliant, and smelled good, and his skin was so soft. That felt even better. "... Okay. I'll tell you if you do it wrong."

Sasuke's hands were shaking faintly. "It's cold," he muttered defensively when Naruto noticed.

"Maybe we shouldn't stay here, then. I'm cold too." Naruto thought for a minute (it was hard because he was a little sloshed too, though not as much as Sasuke) then made his decision. "Right. My apartment isn't far from here. Come on." Yes, he had to get them to a warm place. It had nothing to do with the demands of his inner pervert at all.

He got up, helping Sasuke to his feet. His teammate swayed dangerously, put off-balance by the alcohol and the shift in his body shape both.

"... the bridge's falling..."

"You're just drunk off your ass, Sasuke, that's all." It was hard not to laugh at him, but Naruto heroically managed. Besides, Sasuke was leaning against him heavily, chest against chest, and it felt so nice and soft and cuddly that he could well show a little mercy.

"You're naked."

Naruto snorted. "Yeah. I noticed."

"You're very naked."

Sasuke's hand was on his breast. It was so small, and he had given himself such an ample chest, that it couldn't cover all of it. Even as a girl, Sasuke had calluses. They rubbed against his nipple. It gave him tingles all along his back.

Quickly, he poofed back into male shape, then just as quickly went back to girl - dressed, this time. He didn't want to stress Sasuke by being male when he was in such a small, vulnerable state. He also didn't feel like traveling through Konoha naked, because the little cloud things had already dissipated. What he felt even less, was hinting that it was okay to change back into a man, because if Sasuke did it, and then he sobered up, Naruto knew he would never do it again. And maybe it was evil of him to take advantage of his teammate like this, but god, if there was a chance to see a hot girl like that masturbate in front of him, he was going to tackle it, tie it up and never let it go.

His mind immediately conjured up images of girl-Sasuke in bondage gear, and he whimpered.

"... hnnn. Unfair. You have pants. I don't even have underwear."

Naruto whimpered again at the reminder that Sasuke was naked under the dress. "Uhh - your scroll. And the bottles - are they empty? We uh should carry them somewhere..." he babbled nervously, propping Sasuke up against one of the pillars.

Sasuke was leaning back against the pillars in a lazy, heavy-lidded way that glamour actresses probably spent years perfecting. The slits on the sides of the dress went up so high, it looked like his legs started just under his armpits.

Naruto hurriedly turned away and bent over to pick up the gilded scroll, shoving it into his belt pouch. Then he bounced up, staring at the bottles. "Ack, there's too many- how did you manage to get them all here? I can't carry you and them -"

Negligently, Sasuke kicked the empty ones in the river.

Naruto groaned. Way to respect the environment. Ah well... "... That works too."

He picked up a full bottle, grabbed Sasuke before he could take a nosedive into the river, and slung Sasuke's arm over his shoulders. "Come on. We're going home."

"Where's home?" Sasuke muttered darkly. "I have no home. Not anymore. I-"

"MY home, idiot," Naruto interrupted before he could start to angst too much, and started dragging him off.

They kept bumping hips as they walked. Naruto had forgotten how round his hips were, and Sasuke had never learned to keep his balance with such a curvy body.

Sasuke had no underwear. Naruto would have known that even if he hadn't been told. The hip bumping against his hip was bare. Very bare. Bare so high, there was no way he would have missed a panty strap if there had been any. He'd been looking.

So far, though, even despite the slits and the lack of underwear, he'd only managed to see mysterious darkness underneath the cloth. Damn that stupid dress.

They managed to avoid crowded streets - not that it was difficult at this hour - and no one recognized Sasuke, though Naruto could see a woman in her forties throw him a disgusted look. Some of his neighbors had long memories. That and he hadn't thought to change his clothes into something else than his trademark glaring orange.

He grinned at the woman lasciviously and hoped that Sasuke's condition would never become public knowledge, or he'd kill him for the damage to his reputation.

He hauled Sasuke up the stairs to his apartment, regretting Sasuke's total lack of balance that meant he couldn't let the Uchiha walk on ahead of him, unlocked the door and dropped him on the couch. The scroll and the bottle went to the floor, so that they wouldn't risk being knocked down. Then he went to lock the door again. Then he turned back.

Then he froze, and stared, and fidgeted nervously.

Sasuke was unzipping his dress.

Not in a sexy way, no, not all seductively. No; it was obvious that Sasuke had never worn a dress one day in his life, and Naruto would have teased him until the day he died if he'd caught the Uchiha dressed as a chick in any other occasion. But even the way Sasuke was squirming and fighting with the zipper and growling and scowling like mad as he tossed his mane back over his shoulder - if he'd been any other woman (and didn't that sound weird), Naruto would have nailed him already.

There was a loud thump as Sasuke fell off the couch. Naruto cringed and went to help him, kicking off his sandals and getting rid of his jacket on the way.

"Oi, bastard, you okay?"

"NO. Stupid dress. Never ever gonna wear a dress at all. I hate dresses. All dresses should be burned -oh."

Naruto didn't let go of the hold he had on Sasuke's upper arms, since he wasn't so sure his stance was solid. It was useful anyway; he could turn Sasuke this way or that, to make him see more of himself.

Sasuke blinked, then reached out toward the mirror - and dropped his eyes to his own cleavage before staring ahead at his image again. He moved a leg a little - the two sides of the cloth parted to bare it. Naruto whistled appreciatively.

"You were saying?"

"... fuck, I'm hot."

Naruto started to laugh. "Yes. Yes, you are. I'm sure that's not a surprise, mister 'I'm so cool and handsome half the females of the village wet their panties at the simple mention of my name'."

Sasuke thought about it for a few seconds, then nodded decisively. "... Know what, you're right. I'm just that sexy."

Naruto nudged him. "Smug bastard."

Sasuke wasn't listening, too busy staring at his own cleavage, narrow waist and long, long legs.

Naruto had to admit that there was a reason to stare. Naruto as a woman was a curvy bimbo, with big, bouncing breasts and the Blonde Attitude ™ down pat. Sasuke as a woman... a warrior princess. Elegant and dangerous, mysterious and utterly unattainable.

Except that right now, she was.

Casually, resting his chin on Sasuke's shoulder, Naruto reached up and started toying with the zipper negligently. It was already halfway down between Sasuke's perfect breasts. Slowly, trying not to pant in anticipation or show how unsure he truly was, he lowered it. Sasuke didn't object. Sasuke was staring at the mirror, fascinated. He turned his head a little, so that his face was more toward Naruto, but his eyes stayed fixed on the mirror, on the voluptuous blonde girl who was slowly slipping her hand under the slender brunette's dress.

"In fact," he commented thoughtfully as he leaned back against Naruto's chest, "it's just like homemade lesbian porn."

Naruto started laughing so hard, he had to lean on Sasuke. Seeing as Sasuke himself was all wobbly, it was no surprise that they ended up on the floor. Naruto winced as his (cushiony, but still tender) tush hit the ground, and even more as Sasuke's weight crushed him.

And then he noticed that his hand was now squarely on top of a firm, shapely breast, and that his lap was occupied by a very sexy woman, and that (ohgod) when he looked in the mirror, he could (finally) see up Sasuke's dress. Because Sasuke's legs were folded and spread and the pose was so boyish - like he didn't understand there was anything to hide there - and if Naruto had been a man right now he would have thrown her down on the couch and - but he was in a girl's body, and so he just tightened his hand on his boob.

Sasuke actually squealed. Even in the midst of all that arousal, Naruto was still clear-minded enough to put the moment away for future blackmail material.

"Oh -"

Sasuke's eyes were wide in surprise, his cheeks flushed. Naruto nuzzled his neck gently, nose in his hair. "If you don't like anything I'm doing, you just tell me, okay? I'll-"

Sasuke grabbed his hands and pressed them firmly on his boobs. "Grope and shut up. I only LOOK like a girl, Uzumaki. I don't need the sweet talk."

Naruto growled. "So that's the way you want it. Fine." With that, he initiated the Taijutsu technique he'd seen Jiraiya use a few times (that had at the time resulted in great mental scarring ). It was called the Hundred Hands. It was an appropriate name.

In under five minutes, Sasuke had been stripped naked and his lithe, supple body explored as thoroughly as possible. Naruto had catalogued the texture of his skin and the tenderness of his flesh in as many places as he could reach, which, seeing as Sasuke was sitting in his lap, was rather a lot.

In the end, Sasuke had to use his sharingan to copy the technique, but even then, Naruto was pleased to see that it took him a few tries to stop panting and squirming against Naruto's skillful fondling long enough to retaliate.

Then it degenerated into a grope-fest, but neither of them was protesting.

-

Sasuke's head was pounding. Seriously, seriously pounding. It wasn't the first time he'd had a hangover, but this was a first-class one. The pain spiked rhythmically inside his head, and he groaned, flopping on his front to try to hide from it.

It didn't help, because he had bruises on his front - his body felt tender and sore all over, but especially on his chest. And between his legs - though that reminded him more of the ache you got from a long, hard, demanding training session; not what you could call a bad pain per se. And there was like a hammer inside his skull - that or someone beating a plank of wood.

That or someone knocking at the door.

The someone was going to die.

Growling, Sasuke rolled off the bed (he was startled when the ground proved to be a little farther down than he'd expected, but he adjusted quickly because the discovery that he was not in his bed was really nothing compared to the punishment he needed to inflict to the moron who dared make his headache worse), stepped into some boxers that looked relatively clean, and marched down toward the door. Naruto's apartment looked like a tornado had hit it. Sasuke didn't care; he was a man on a mission.

He wrenched the door open, shaking his head irritably to chase a stupid lock of hair away from his face.

Kiba was at the door. He looked gobsmacked. That made him seem even stupider than usual. Sasuke glared darkly. THAT was the moron who was not letting him be in bed, buried under the blankets and his cold feet on Naruto's toasty-warm side, who forced him to face the light of the sun, who killed off the vague dreams of a morning-after quickie - the little bitch.

"WHAT."

"Uh... hey. I just- I - N-Naruto?"

Mollified by his obvious fear (his eyes were wide and he was looking everywhere but at Sasuke's face) and deciding that his headache took precedence over hangover-induced murder (he would enjoy it more later), Sasuke grunted and stepped aside to let him come in. "Bedroom."

Abandoning him, he dragged his feet to the kitchen, hoping that a glass of water would help. Dog boy could find the bedroom on his own.

He didn't have dog senses, true, but he wasn't deaf enough that he didn't hear Kiba's 'whisper'. "Fucking god, Naruto! She's hot! Where the hell did you find a babe like that!"

The water sprinkled out of his nose.

Seized by an awful suspicion, he looked down.

"Oh. Fuck."

He was, yes, still a woman. And not only that, but a topless woman. A topless woman, wearing Naruto's boxers and Naruto's love bites and Naruto's handprints around her wrists, a woman with wild hair and bruised lips that just plain screamed "I GOT SHAGGED WITHIN AN INCH OF MY LIFE YESTERDAY".

And he'd opened the door to Kiba.

Swallowing a hysterical whimper, he forced himself to pour some water and drink. It was, after all, just a matter of reversing the jutsu. Usually, they stopped on their own when the owner stopped concentrating, but Naruto's jutsu was already weird because it wasn't an illusion but a real metamorphosis; it wasn't surprising that it would also be different in that. Proof was that you could cast it when totally wasted and hold onto it even when you totally forgot your own name, and even more the shape you were supposed to wear.

The water was fresh. It helped a little. He sighed, a long, I'm-relaxing sigh, and stood in the middle of the kitchen to concentrate on releasing the jutsu.

"Honestly, man, not that you're- but fuck, she's totally out of your league!"

Sasuke's eyebrow twitched. Stupid horny dog. Sasuke was so going to kick him in the balls if he ever looked at his girl-shape wrong - though if he knew that it was Sasuke he was drooling on, no doubt that he would die of spectacular aneurism explosion. Mmm, blood and explosions. Some of his favorite things. Maybe there was a way to combine them with some good sex.

Now, the jutsu. How was it again... oh, yeah.

... except not. Maybe he was remembering it wrong. Nothing was happening. He had to be remembering wrong.

He tried a simple kai, the kind they learned at school, but it didn't work either. He tried a more complicated release hand-seal; still nothing. He tried the series of hand seals he was pretty sure Naruto had used the other day.

He could feel the chakra drain, but nothing happened. He still had (perky, shapely, well-bitten) breasts, and he still didn't have his precious Sasuke Junior.

What. The. Fuck.

If Sasuke knew one thing, it was that it had to be Naruto's fault.

"NARUTO!"

Sasuke barged in the bedroom, the only things protecting his body from Kiba's stares his hair and a pair of boxers that kept sliding off his hips. That was also Naruto's fault for having a fat ass.

"Uh, yeah?"

Half-awake only, Naruto was sitting up against the headboard, the blankets pooling in his lap. From a glimpse of his hipbone, he was naked underneath. His blond hair was tousled, and Sasuke could see a very clear scratch across his chest. He looked utterly fuckable. Sasuke hated him with the burning passion of a thousand Chidoris.

"It's your fucking fault!"

"Eh? What did I do?"

"Her, obviously," muttered Kiba.

Sasuke planted his foot in dog boy's face, sending him crash against the wall, then, realizing that the pervert had probably caught a glimpse up his boxers, stomped heavily on his hand. Better break it now than getting felt up later.

That done, Sasuke whirled around to face Naruto, who was still blinking owlishly. The cute act didn't work with Uchiha Sasuke! Seething with fury, he pointed at his own chest. "That. It's your fault. I'm not- I'm not- I can't - bastard!"

Naruto blinked several times, then seemed to get it. "Oh. OH. Uh. Sorry?"

"... sorry? SORRY? You- WHAT DID YOU DO!"

"Hey, it was your own fault- you started it! And you agreed all the way! If it went wrong at some point, it's not my fault!"

"I was drunk! You knew that, you utter imbecile! Now I'm -"

He was stuck, stuck as a woman, and god it was scary, so scary - Naruto couldn't possibly understand, he was back inside his own strong body.

"Well - yeah, but - I wasn't that sober either, okay? I'm sorry, but-"

Sasuke wasn't listening to him. He was pacing back and forth in the little bedroom, sorting through the different reasons the jutsu could still be holding. "Maybe it's because you broke my hymen - you fucking bastard, you totally rammed it out of existence - and now I'm not like I was supposed to be and ARGH I HATE YOU!" Oh, yes, he was sure of it, that was the problem! How was he supposed to exchange this girl body for his normal body if it had been damaged in a way that was utterly impossible to translate to a male body ?

Kiba wheezed and attempted to squirm back into a seated position. His eyes were even wider than they'd been when Sasuke had opened the door.

Naruto needed to be kept whole, if only so long as he hadn't found a way to get Sasuke back to normal. But Kiba...

Kiba needed to die.

Sasuke had barely stepped toward him before he'd sprinted on all fours out of the door. The little coward! Sasuke gave chase, incensed.

He was bursting out of the apartment and on the staircase when he was tackled from behind.

"Ahh, ehehe, hello Mrs Shibata, lovely day isn't it? Come on, honey, let's go back home - ahh, so playful, isn't she - come on, love..."

"Naruto," Sasuke wheezed when the pain in his boobs and ribs receded sufficiently to let him breathe. "I am going to dismember you."

Naruto grinned at him and committed the mistake of putting him down. "I hope you'll keep at least one member intact - EEP!"

"Oh, I'll keep it as a TROPHY!"

Sasuke needed Naruto alive. Not necessarily in one piece.

Ten minutes later, Naruto was still whole, though prettily bruised, but as Sasuke had gotten to destroy about half of his furniture with his bare hands, he was feeling lenient enough not to bother rectifying that.

"Now - fix me."

Naruto muttered under his breath. "Oh, you need to be fixed alright - PMSing already?"

Sasuke could read lips. "Beg your pardon?"

"Oh, of course I'll do everything to help - even if I don't know how you managed to mess up. OW."

"Stop being a dick and think!"

"I thought you liked me being a dick."

"I can always make you use a strap-on dildo. At least they vibrate."

Naruto gulped and eyed him suspiciously. Sasuke returned the look, utterly serious, and refrained from looking superior when Naruto finally started to take his threats seriously.

"Well... seriously, I don't know why that would happen. I mean, I've never had any problems. Maybe you had too much to drink... Or maybe - uh, yeah, maybe the hymen thing."

Sasuke started pacing in earnest. "If that's the matter, I'm stuck! Girls can't regrow these!"

He tried the release hand seals. Nothing. Panicking was starting to sound tempting.

Naruto gulped and eyed him nervously. "Well, at least you won't have trouble restarting your clan now... right?"

Sasuke paled.

"... What if... it's already started?"

Naruto blinked, once, twice, then paled with him.

"... Old Lady Tsunade. Now. ... uhm. Maybe get dressed first."

-

Tsunade started biting her cheek the second she saw them. Naruto knew she was laughing at them, but as long as she was going to help, he didn't care.

"And who-" snicker "is your young ladyfriend?"

Naruto gave the seething brunette at his side a worried look. "... Granny, you know fully well who this is. He's already homicidal enough, you don't want him charged for treason again?"

"I have so little amusement in my long days of hard work, and you would take it all from me. I should beat you up to teach you to be more considerate to ladies."

Naruto was fully prepared to beg, but luckily, Tsunade didn't make him. "So. I'm guessing you tested Naruto's jutsu. And now ..."

"I'm stuck," Sasuke grumbled, flushed in acute embarrassment.

Tsunade rolled her eyes and stepped closer to examine the boy-turned-girl. Sasuke eyed her suspiciously, but didn't protest - not even when she actually hovered her glowing hand over his body.

"You're lucky, I studied Naruto's jutsu before, so I have a little idea of what it is- ahh, here it is."

Her hand was just in front of Sasuke's belly. Naruto and him both blanched.

"Okay, you two. One thing you have to remember for the next time."

Naruto barely remembered to mumble a protest, but it wasn't convincing and seeing Tsunade's doubtful look, she was all but convinced.

"You cannot switch from one gender to another when organs that you don't have in the other shape are still in use."

Sasuke ended up sitting on the floor. His expression said he wasn't sure how he'd arrived there. Naruto really, really felt like joining him.

"You mean..."

"Next time, use a condom."

Naruto joined Sasuke on the floor.

"Or shower properly, that should do the trick." There was a wicked smirk on her face as she looked down at Sasuke and Naruto. "You know, these detachable showerheads feel mighty good."

"ACK!" Naruto slapped his hands on his ears and started whimpering. "Don't you dare tell me anything about your sexual life! You and sex should not even be in the same language, much less the same sentence! You - eh, what do you mean, do the trick...?"

She was laughing, hands on her hips, mightily amused. "Semen or actual fertilized egg, it's all the same as far as you getting stuck, you know. There's something inside you that would have nowhere to go if you changed back. You're lucky you didn't stay in your female body long enough for it to start its cycle, Sasuke-kun - for the moment you're not fertile."

It was the first time that Naruto had ever seen Sasuke actually pray. But then, it was a pretty good proof that God did indeed exist, and that he kept an eye on fools like them and little children who wouldn't have deserved to have them as parents.

Giddy with relief, Naruto started to laugh. This, of course, attracted a sharp glare from Sasuke - but he too was too relieved to get truly angry.

"Right, get off my floor and go play some more, boys. You won't stay on vacation all your lives."

Naruto jumped up, ignoring his still slightly wobbly legs, and reached to help Sasuke up. Of course he was too proud to accept it. Ignoring his blush with admirable stubbornness, the Uchiha nodded his thanks at Tsunade and walked out. Naruto waved and followed.

Sasuke had the greatest ass in the world. And the best legs ever. Naruto slipped an arm around his waist as they walked down the stairs, grinning and resisting the urge to whistle.

Sasuke sent him a dark glare. "What do you think you're doing?"

"Well, she did say you're not fertile, right... so no risk!"

Sasuke stared at him for a few seconds longer, then smirked. Alarm bells started howling inside Naruto's head.

"I don't think so."

"Uh - what do you mean?"

"I think we are going back to my apartment..."

Naruto opened his mouth to protest, but Sasuke didn't let him any time to talk.

"...and then I will shower..."

Ohh, that sort of thing he was all disposed to listen to.

"...And then I will turn back into a man..."

... That one, a little less. Ah well; Sasuke as a man was still way prettier than anyone had a right to be.

"... and then I will get the box of condoms in my bedside drawer..."

... ohh, condoms. Condoms sex. Yep, still listening.

"And then you will turn into a girl," Naruto yelped as he tried to protest and found his ass viciously pinched, "and I will nail you to the mattress. And the wall. And the kitchen counter. And the balcony railing. And the roof."

Naruto babbled another protest, desperately trying to fight off all these images. They were way more enticing than they should be.

"... the Jacuzzi..." Sasuke whispered into his ear, a lock of dark hair caressing his cheek.

Resigned to his terrible fate, Naruto followed.