"Have You Ever"
A/N: This fanfiction was inspired by the song
"Have You Ever" by Brandy. It used to be a …
dare I say it … songfic. But then I came to my
senses and rewrote it. Thanks for reading!
Raven opened her poetry book and began to write. It was the only way she knew how to release her emotions. She loved to write the old-fashioned way. Dipping her favorite quill into the ink, she began to write in the book before her. Dark poetry flowed from her heart as she wrote; she wanted to never stop, because what she was feeling ... was so true. It was more than a relief to get these forbidden emotions off of her chest.
She glanced once more at what she just written and a teardrop slid down her cheek, landing promptly on a page of the book. She loved him; she was positive about it. Raven had fallen in love with Beast Boy. Every night in solitude she would collapse into tears. She knew she couldn't have him. Even if she could … she believed that he'd never want her. She didn't blame him; after all, she was just a creepy witch, wasn't she? She continued to write, vigorously inscribing the contents of her heart on paper. Violently, she jammed the quill once, twice, three times into the jar of ink.
It was beyond what she wanted. He was what she needed. She broke down in sobs, her vision obscured by the sadness. She pressed her feather deeper and deeper into the page. Each day, each night, she would resort to pouring her heart out into this book. Sleep was a distant memory. How could she sleep with something so heavy weighing upon her heart? She put down the quill and walked over to her bed. Lying down and pulling the covers over her head, she closed her eyes and concentrated. Sleep … sleep … her mind and body were exhausted yet she couldn't drift into any kind of slumber. She knew this problem had to be solved. She just didn't know how.
She couldn't talk to him. Never. Never would she even dare. In the past, every time she had opened up to somebody, she was the one to suffer. No one could be trusted; only her own emotions. But at this point, not even meditation was of assistance. There were times when she'd rehearse the words to say, to simply start a conversation even about something simple like the weather; her mouth would open and nothing but sarcasm and put-downs could escape. Everything she wanted to say stayed right there in her mind. It was safer there anyway, she believed. She climbed out of bed, giving up on her attempt to sleep. She continued writing. Once again, she felt at peace with herself.
Raven would give anything to make Beast Boy understand. Her hand stopped writing immediately and she froze. She heard footsteps. Could it be him? No, she was just hearing things. It wasn't the first time that she imagined him there when he really wasn't. It was a nasty habit. She simply shook her head and continued writing again, listening intently in the case that it could be him. Wishful thinking had always been her guilty pleasure.
He had stolen her heart away. It felt as if he'd stolen her soul as well. Those deep, green eyes; they held her heart, her soul, her life. And those were exactly what she was willing to surrender—if only her feelings were requited. It was more than a simple crush. Oh, how she'd wish it stayed at that stage. It only started out that way. There was something irresistible about him. The way he looked at her seemed different than the way he looked at the others. She didn't even want to think about the way he said her name—it gave her goose bumps. But then she remembered who really occupied his heart: Terra, of course. Raven could never take her place.
The only time she ever believed he could be hers, was a week before Terra arrived. He had been acting unusually sweet to her, and perceptibly treating Raven differently, speaking just a little more tenderly, a little more often to her. And then, when Terra came, Beast Boy's interest shifted entirely. She would be forever filled with resentment towards that girl. Just thinking about it made Raven bubble with jealousy and rage. But now … Beast Boy didn't like her. He hated her, Raven believed. Just like all the others do. It seemed like all that was left to do, was wait. Spend the rest of her life; waiting … waiting for that one moment that she was sure would never come.
Raven took one last look at her work before once again jamming the feather in the ink jar, but this time leaving it there. Some ink from the jar splattered onto her desk, some across the page as well. She closed the book and placed it back upon her bookshelf where it camouflaged with the rest of her books.
Raven crawled onto her bed and lay on her side, gazing out of window at the stars and distant lights of the city. She closed her eyes and began to silently chant her Latin spell. 'Azerath, metrion, zinthos.' She opened her eyes a few minutes later and sighed. She still couldn't sleep. A quick surge of rage passed through her body as she jolted upright and slammed her fist against her wall and bellowed a cry of fury. She wasn't sure how much longer her emotions could handle this, before her powers finally broke free. Closing her eyes again, she took a deep breath to regain control. She lay down again and listened intently to the silence.
The silence spoke back.
"Raven, are you okay?" she heard a voice inquire from beyond her bedroom door.
Raven shut her eyes tightly. She wasn't going to open them. Not for anything. She heard her door open, and a warm voice spoke.
Her eyes shut tighter. "Just another figment... don't even look..." she muttered.
"Rae," the voice said softly, becoming closer. It was his voice. She could never mistake that voice.
"Never coming back! Go away!" Tears slid from her tightly sealed eyes.
"Raven, are you alright? Raven?" She felt him coming closer, and soon she knew his head was level to hers. She could feel his warm breath against her face as he spoke. "Raven, it'll be alright." A pair of tender lips brushed against her own.
Raven opened her eyes, but saw nothing but her window.
…just a dream.
"Chemical of Love", Raven's poem.
Seconds ticking against my will,
each one drawing me closer to fate,
each one sweeping me further from you,
slowly away, slowly away.
Love is blind to the searching eye,
love is what I feel for you,
nothing happens, nothing will,
you ignore me; am Ieven here?
I'm in love with you, is that such a crime?
An undoable act of injustice,
I would fall out of incurable love with you,
do you think I enjoy this?
Anything to look into your emerald green eyes,
just to gaze longingly,
but I'm still just an outsider,
a creepy grey girl through your perfect eyes!
Our relationship only exists in a dream,
a painful, lying, scornful dream,
a dream that cannot be true,
so I shall lie here without you.