I'm half-asleep as I'm writing this, so this chapter may make even less sense than the others will. Aha.

Disclaimers: As always, don't own. As always, for Stacy!

Warnings: Language, general stupidity

Spoiled Prince, Frog Prince, Gender-Confused Fairy Boy

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away-

"Oh, dear Jesus, not again. Make it stop."

Shut your face and cooperate. The sooner I get through this opening, the sooner the story starts. And the sooner it starts, the sooner it ends. Got it, fairy boy?

"I'm, like, the only straight guy in this story!"

... David, you idiot, in this story, you actually are a fairy.

"... like with wings and shit?"

Yes.

"Fuck."

Precisely. So. Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a princess. Actually, the princess was a prince - Prince Snitch, to be exact - but he was supposed to have been a princess, according to the prophecy of the resident fairy godmother, David - who was also a boy, having mis-prophecized his own gender as well.

"How could I prophecize about my own gender? ... and is 'prophecize' even a word?"

Be a good little fairy and shut up. Moving on. Despite the fact that Godmother David was very rarely correct with his predictions, the royal family continued to listen to him and cater to his every whim, despite the protests of Prince Snitch.

"What the hell is wrong with you people! Hello, he said I was going to be a girl!"

"Go to your room, Princess."

"I. AM. A. BOY."

Eighteen years after the birth of the prince(ss), Godmother David gathered the kingdom together to release his biggest, most important, and, no doubt, most accurate prediction yet.

"I predict... that, should the Princess Snitch-"

"PRINCE. PRINCE SNITCH, GOD DAMMIT."

"... should the first-born child of the royal family wait under the willow tree by the lily pond at the stroke of midnight tonight, she-"

"HE."

"... it will find its true love."

"So now I'm an 'it?'"

Just go with it.

"Whatever."

Prince and/or Princess Snitch was not interested in finding his and/or her true love, however. (S)He was only interested in money, jewels, and other material goods.

"I like money. Tee-hee."

... did you just say "tee-hee?"

"... I did. And I don't know why."

Maybe you should have been born a girl.

"Quiet, you!"

So, though Snitch had no interest in true love, the royal family pressured their child into the search.

"Kind of like how most parents force their children into jobs that they despise so that they can be devoured by corporate America!"

... uh, yeah, just like that. So, much to Snitch's chagrin-

"Ahaha, you said 'chagrin' again!"

You need to stop that. Seriously.

"Pssht. Whatever."

If you stop laughing about that word, I'll refer to you as a "he."

"Deal!"

Much to Snitch's chagrin, he found himself waiting under a willow tree in the middle of the night instead of cruising around the kingdom in his brand spankin' new BMW carriage.

"I have eight horses instead of two!"

You spoiled brat, you.

"You're just jealous."

Moving on to stuff we care about. As Snitch waited and waited, he saw a form approaching in the distance. He very nearly pissed himself when he realized that the boy walking towards him had green-tinged skin and webbed fingers and toes.

"What the hell!"

The approaching boy was indignant.

"Don't stare. I'm a person, too, you know. A prince, in fact. Prince Skittery."

"Well, I'm a prince, too! And I'm a better prince than you! Prince Snitch!"

"I think I'm from the kingdom next to you."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Weren't you supposed to be a girl?"

"Okay, shut up, Frog Boy."

"That's not politically correct. I prefer the term 'amphibianly-inclined.'"

"Yeah, well, people have been calling me a girl my whole life. Get used to people calling you Frog Boy. Now, beat it, Warty, I'm supposed to meet my true love here."

"... um, I am, too."

Realization fell upon the almost-boy-should-be-girl and the almost-boy-should-be-frog like a sack of dead fish.

"My true love is a pompous asshole?"

"My true love eats flies?"

"My true love is male?"

"... ditto!"

The two princes, thoroughly weirded out, parted ways, refusing to believe the prophecies. When Godmother David found out that Snitch had denied his true love, he had a royal fairy hissy fit.

"I slave day and night for weeks to figure out when and where to meet the true-freaking-love of your true-freaking-life and you ditch him!"

"David, dude, he's part frog!"

"Well, you're no beauty queen yourself, Tooth Boy."

"Okay, shut up about the teeth before I start making cracks about the wings."

"... that's a low blow."

"They're looking awfully glittery today."

"Knock it off, Princess."

"Particularly irridescent, too."

"Okay, fine! I'll tell you what. Go back tomorrow, same time, same place, and if Frog Boy is there, tough luck, because that's totally your true love."

Snitch was angry and frustrated.

"I am angry and frustrated!"

Thank you, Captain Repetitive.

"Welcome."

Although angry and frustrated, Snitch returned to the same spot the next night, mostly because his parents threatened to take away the royal BMW carriage and the royal Playstation.

"I can't live without my Playstation! It gives meaning to my otherwise dull and pointless life!"

That's kind of sad, really. But, anyway. Snitch returned, and much to his horror, Prince Skittery was already waiting for him.

"... God dammit."

"You're telling me."

"So what do we do now?"

"Um... fall in love, I guess."

"I don't want to!

"Well, neither do I, but we kind of don't have a choice, do we?"

"No offense, pal, but you're kind of gross."

"Well, screw you, too, you gender-confused brat."

The two princes parted angrily.

"ANGER, ANGER, ANGER."

Lovely, Skittery, I really appreciate that.

"Very welcome."

The next morning, Godmother David-

"Wait, wait, why do you let Snitch be a 'he' now, but I'm still 'Godmother David?'"

I just plain like him better.

"I hate you."

The next morning, Godmother David rushed out into the town square to shout his latest divination.

"The Princess Snitch's true love is under a horrid curse! Only with a kiss will his true form appear!"

"I have to kiss him?"

"Tonight at midnight, or else."

"Or else what?"

"Or else this story ends without a real purpose, and we don't get paid."

"... tonight at midnight, then."

"Cheerio."

That night, Prince Snitch and Prince Skittery met for the third time beneath the willow tree.

"So, um... rumor has it, that I've gotta kiss you."

"Yeah... I heard that, too."

"... want to get it over with?"

"Sure."

With a grimace, the two princes kissed.

"... weren't you supposed to, you know, change?"

"That's what I heard."

Well, it's not like David had been right very often before.

"... this sucks! I'm not marrying a frog boy!"

"And I'm not marrying some ignorant bratty little dork with the mental capacity of a five-year-old!"

They got married anyway, of course, since their parents threatened to take away their video games. They bonded over said games, and they truly did learn to love one another. And Prince Snitch learned that having a spouse with a long, sticky, frog-like tongue could truly be an advantage.

And the kingdom lived not so much happily as kinkily ever after.

The End

I can't believe you two made it through this entire story without jumping each other or screwing me up.

"I can. No offense, Skitts, you know I love you, but you as a frog is really nasty."

"... YOU ONLY LOVE ME FOR MY HOT BODY!"

Oh, God...

The Real End... For True

I think I may have issues, especially since I was listening to depressing Somthing Corporate songs while writing this, and it still came out freakishly random. This may or may not be anything like the original Frog Prince, since I forgot how it goes. Anyway. Love for any reviews you may be able to spare.