Last chapter up. Hope you guys like.
In the conference room, Grissom, Sara, Warrick, Nick, Catherine, Greg, Sofia, Brass, and the Doc all sat in a circle, each holding a cup of Greg's Blue Hawaiian coffee. Towards the side of the table sat Bobby, Archie, and Jacqui under a big banner which read: NOT IMPORTANT TO THE STORYLINE: JUST HERE TO ENJOY THE BIG SHOWDOWN. Grissom welcomed them and then stood up.
"Well," he said to everybody, "I know who did it."
"Oooh," everybody said. Greg frantically tried to get Grissom to wear a Sherlock Holmes outfit and matching pipe before he continued but Grissom denied it.
"But," Grissom said, as everybody leaned forward to listen to the big reveal, "I must go back and explain everything that has happened before I tell you who the killer is."
"Awwwww," everybody said and leaned back, pouting.
"First, we need to deal with the blonde hair. Both the blonde hair and the bullet which was recovered traced back to one person." Grissom looked around to make sure that nothing was going to try to interrupt him as he finally revealed whose gun shot Ecklie. "The hair and the bullet both link Sofia to the crime scene."
"I knew it!" Sara yelled, exalted, and made 'gimme' gestures to Warrick, who passed her a twenty.
"But I didn't kill Ecklie!" Sofia protested, holding a bag of ice to her head and glaring at Sara.
"I know," Grissom said calmly. "Unfortunately for the real killer, Sofia's alibi is rock solid."
"What is it?" Sara asked suddenly, a definite dangerous look gleaming in her eyes.
"Ah. . .we were, um. . .that is to say. . .we had a nice dinner."
"Sort of a late dinner there Grissom."
"And then we went star gazing."
Sofia looked smugly at Sara. Warrick and Nick held Sara back to keep her from beating the shit out of Sofia again. Warrick also silently took back his twenty.
"The killer wanted us to believe that Hodges had seen Sofia kill Ecklie, and then Sofia killed Hodges."
"But that's so cool!" Nick said. "That takes care of all of them. Can't that be what happened, Grissom?"
"No," Grissom said. "Because it's not about who's more annoying or our own secret love affairs. It's about"
"The EVIDENCE, we know!" everybody said.
"Yes, the evidence," Grissom said, unperturbed. "If Sofia's alibi hadn't been proof positive, then maybe the killer could have gotten away with the murders. . .except for one other, important detail. The doc confirmed that Hodges was killed before Conrad Ecklie, not after."
"Then who killed them?" Sara asked.
"And who wrote the note?" Catherine asked.
"Someone who hated Hodges and Ecklie. Someone who wanted to change what's been happening in the lab. Someone who's devious enough to pin the murders on somebody that everyone hated."
"Sara!" Nick said.
"Catherine!" Sara said.
"Warrick!" Catherine said.
"No," Grissom said with a smile. "Greg."
Everybody looked at Greg in shock. He shrugged and waved.
"How'd you figure it out?" Greg asked Grissom.
"Logic," Grissom said. "It was easy to guess that you killed Hodges, since everybody in the universe knows how much you don't like him. But really, nobody likes him, so I couldn't be sure. Ecklie's murder, on the other hand, left two pieces of very important evidence. The first was a green smudge on Ecklie's arm that I had tested."
"The green smudge!" Warrick gasped. Everybody looked at him. "Oh, come on, guys. SOMEBODY has to pretend they forgot all about the green smudge and didn't realize it was a serious piece of evidence."
"Anyway," Grissom said, ignoring Warrick, "I had the smudge tested secretly (ie, the writer forgot to write it in the story) and found out that the smudge is actually Mambo's Crazy Green Shock Hair Dye, which turns blue in the hair of people with Norwegian decent."
Greg ran a hand through the blue hair that actually was reference in Chapter 1. "You know, that Norwegian heritage is getting to be a bit of a liability." He put on a beret and fake mustache and said with a very bad accent, "I should have been French."
"The other piece of evidence, of course, was the note."
"But I wrote that just like Hodges would have!" Greg exclaimed, forgetting about his new French accent. "It sounded perfectly smug and annoying and stupid."
"Yeah, but you forgot the apostrophe in CSI's," Nick said, slapping his hands together. "Hodges was a lot of stupid, but he was good at grammar, and everybody here knows how much you suck at spelling."
"Oh, man," Greg said. "Conviction by Norwegian roots and bad spelling. That just sucks."
"Let me see your arms," Grissom said to Greg. All the Grissom/Greg slash fanfiction fans in the audience started hooting and hollering for more skin to be shown until Grissom flashed them a contemptuous look and said, "I'm looking for evidence, you morons!" The audience piped down, disappointed, and Greg pushed back his sleeves. His arms were covered with defensive wounds."
"I don't get it, man," Warrick said. "Why?"
"Well," Greg said, and tilted his head in a thoughtful pose as everybody watched the flashback. . .which is again written in italics, though for some reason hates the writer and doesn't want to always show the italics or space or anything right. Ahhhhh!
Ahem. Back to the flashback.
Greg walked down the corridor to see if Hodges was done with the sample for his case. When he got there, Hodges immediately attacked Greg. Greg tried to defend himself.
"What are you doing?" he asked as he tried to block Hodges' fists.
"The writer never actually came up with a convincing reason for me to attack you. It was just necessary. Now play along," Hodges said and started strangling Greg.
Greg, choking for breath, flailed his arms around for something useful and felt his hand clench around one of the microscopes. He swung it in his hand and hit Hodges in the back of the head with it. Hodges fell to the floor and Greg breathed deeply, wondering what to do. It was only then did he realize that Hodges wasn't moving and when he found no pulse, Greg knew he had killed Hodges.
"So, why didn't you come to us?" Grissom asked. "That would have been in self defense. You wouldn't have gone to jail."
"Yeah, but I would have gotten arrested," Greg said, "and then my career as a CSI would have been over."
"Yeah," Nick said. "That's a pretty crappy rule. We really should work on getting that fixed."
"Anyway," Greg continued, "I figured I didn't work this hard to let Hodges fuck my whole life up, and then I had a brainwave."
Greg walked down a corridor and saw Sofia and Grissom laughing while Sara stood in the corner, looking both disgruntled and weepy. A light bulb goes over Greg's head. Literally.
"I figured I could make this whole problem work to the lab's advantage," Greg said. "See, everything was screwed up in the lab because of Ecklie's stupidity and the introduction of Sofia into the team, right? So, I figured I could take out Ecklie, leave the notee, and blame both murders on Sofia."
Greg watched Grissom leave Sofia to go to his office. Sara also left, either to drink, cry, or yell at somebody incompetent. Greg walked over to talk to Sofia and while she isn't paying attention, he is amazingly sly and manages to both pluck a stray hair off her shirt, as well as switch their guns.
"So, then I went to Ecklie's office," Greg continued, "and I shot him."
"You!" Ecklie exclaimed.
"Yes, me," Greg said, holding the gun in Ecklie's face. "Goodbye, Ecklie." He shoots the gun, quickly plants the hair, Sara's fingerprints, and the note. Then he leaves and goes to listen to Marilyn Manson.
"I figured once Sofia was arrested, Grissom and Sara could finally get together and everyone could have their happy ending," Greg said. "So, that's why I did it."
"One question," Sara said. "Why did you plant my fingerprints if you were trying to frame Sofia?"
Greg grinned. "I just HAD to see that catfight between you and Catherine. Besides, I knew Sofia would want to duke it out, and when you won, Grissom would fall in love." Greg smirked. "Just call me Mr. Cupid."
"Wait a second," Sofia interrupted. "How did you know I'd LOSE?"
Greg glanced at her contemptuously. "EVERYONE knows Sara and Grissom are destined to be," he said. "Of course you'd lose." Greg sighed. "Anyway, my plan worked. I just got caught, is all. So, if I'm going to be in jail for the rest of my life, then you two better get together." Greg glared at Grissom. "I mean it, Gris. I didn't just sacrifice my life here for you to pull some BS excuse like 'work is too important' or 'I want to be a miserable old hermit for the rest of my life'.
Grissom's eyes twinkled. "Don't worry, Greg. If Sara still loves me, we are definitely hooking up by the end of the story, otherwise the readers will hunt down the author and kill her, and she very much does not approve of this plan. But none of that means you have to sacrifice your life."
"What?" Greg asked.
"Well, your plan to frame Sofia was a good one. The forensic evidence still exists. I don't see why you can't go along with your original plan. I don't think anyone here will mind."
"WHAT!" Sofia said.
"I still get to frame Sofia?" Greg asked, excited.
"Well, unless anyone here minds. Everybody, raise your hand if you want Greg to go to jail instead of Sofia."
Sofia frantically raised her hand and started jumping up and down. Everybody ignored her.
"Right," Grissom said. "That settles it. Jim, if you'd like to arrest Sofia for the murders of Conrad Ecklie and David Hodges. . ."
"No, you don't!" Sofia screamed and leapt up quickly. Before anyone could react, Sofia had pulled Nick to her and had a gun at his head.
Nick rolled his eyes. "Not AGAIN!"
"You know, I tried to be nice to you people," Sofia said. "I was never bitchy to Sara and I helped Greg out with his evidence and I tried to be a part of the team, AND WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE DO? YOU TRY TO FRAME ME!"
"Lady, nobody cares," Warrick said. "You set your eyes on Grissom, you rivaled Sara, you had to go. That's the way it is."
"And if ANYBODY is going to be ranting right now, it's going to be ME!" Nick said. "Do you have ANY idea how many times I've had a gun pointed at me? First was Mrs. Henderson and that was plenty freaky enough, and then came Nigel Crane stalking me and holding a gun to my head, and just recently about FIFTY guys all had their guns on me, ready to shoot. So you know what? I deserve some serious angst time, maybe a little post traumatic stress, and a nice, normal not psycho girl to help me through my troubled time. What I emphatically do NOT need is another fucking gun to my head!"
"That was an excellent hissy fit, Nicky," Catherine said admiringly.
"Thanks," Nick replied.
"You're all crazy," Sofia said to them, back up. Unfortunately, she backed up right into Sara, who had snuck up behind her. "We may be crazy, but you're just a bitch," Sara said, and knocked Sofia's gun out of her hand. Sofia let go of Nick and whirled around, just in time to receive Sara's fist in her face. Sofia flew across the room and was knocked unconscious. Again.
"That's what you get for threatening my friends and trying to steal my man," Sara said.
The audience cheered.
Greg whistled and then looked at Grissom. "Are you sure, Gris? I mean, what about the evidence?"
"Fuck the evidence," Grissom said. "I've got my girl."
Nick looked to Warrick. "Uh-oh. We've just went over the edge. Our parody has lost any semblance of realism."
"You don't think that happened with the mud fight?"
"Nothing, absolutely nothing, is more unrealistic than Grissom saying 'fuck the evidence'," Nick said.
"True," Warrick said. "Oh well."
Brass went and handcuffed the unconscious Sofia. "You're under arrest," he said, "for the attempted murder of Nicholas Stokes and the murders of Conrad Ecklie and David Hodges. I'd read you your rights, but you can't hear them anyways. . ."
Brass dragged Sofia away. The Doc led all the other lab techs to the bar for a drink on No-Storyline-Characters Night. Catherine congratulated Sara for saving Nick and also left.
Warrick looked at Sara and Grissom who were giving each other starry-eyed looks, and then turned to Greg and Nick. "We better get out of here," he said. "They're going to start kissing soon."
Greg and Nick made long 'ewwwwww' noises. As soon as that was done, Greg said, "We should leave in style."
"How do suggest?" Nick asked.
"We'll, we've already gone over the edge of the completely absurd, right?" Greg asked. Warrick and Nick nodded. "Well," he said, "I suggest we fulfill one of the writer's greatest fantasies and dance our way out of here."
"Sounds good," Nick said. Warrick hit the stereo and Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" song blasted out of the speakers. Nick, Warrick, and Greg were instantly wearing black leather pants. They all stripped off their shirts and strutted out of the room, throwing their tops at fainting audience members.
Grissom looked at Sara. "So," he said, "now we're alone."
"Yup," Sara said. "Do you want to get dinner?"
Grissom looked pained and Sara laughed. "Can you wait till we get home?" she asked. "I'm not kinky enough to do it in the morgue."
"What abut the interrogation room?"
Sara raised an eyebrow. "That I could do," she said, and Grissom and Sara leaned in and finally, FINALLY kissed as trumpets sounded and angels rocked out, singing, "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts."
The End. : )
That's it. Please review if you liked it.