Disclaimer: I do not own Hogwarts, Slytherins, or the Harry Potter thingy or anything. This was for fun. And oh, I am ssssuch a sssslytherin…

A/N: So yeah, I decided to do something different. I like it. You might not. What? Every house has its rules, right? Those unspoken things that everyone knows without ever having to read anything. Here are just a few (few, mark that, pets! We didn't get to the end, loves…) of Slytherin House. Good things to keep in mind before you go wandering the hallways.

House Rules

By Zoshi the Confused

Come, pets, come. I know you're all just eager to dash out, running merrily through the halls and exploring this new world, but there's some things you must learn before you do. I know, I know, you don't want to waste a moment, but you'll have plenty of time to discover this new place for yourselves after I'm done. Be grateful I'm doing this; no one told me when I came. I had to figure it all out by myself. Now listen close, and listen well, I'm only going to tell you this once. There are rules you must learn, yes, more rules. But these are the most important rules you'll ever hear. Even more important than the rules the professors are going to try to pound into your heads.

Now, sit down, shut your mouths and listen up. This is important, remember. You're all here for a reason. Not just this school but this house. You're here because you have what it takes to be the best of the best. Because that's what we are, pets. We're the best this school will ever see, whether it likes it or not. Now, before coming here, before getting sorted, you were still you. You were still a Jones or a Brackenwater or a Lloyd. Now, now you're a Slytherin. Remember that, you are Slytherin now. From this day on, nothing else counts as much as this. You are Slytherins, do you know what that means? That means you are true, you are some of the last of the pure ones. You have blue blood, you have star qualities, you have exactly the kind of raw talents that can be shaped into some of the strongest qualities anyone could ever dream of.

Oh, I know some of you have aren't as pure as the rest of us, its all right. You're here, aren't you? Keep your chins up; you're here for a reason. There are some special things you need to learn now that you're here, pets. Some very special things. Oh, sure, you might be able to figure them out by yourselves, without me telling you. But that's all right; we don't have time for you to stumble your way to the right stop these days. No, no time for that now. So its time to teach you how exactly you're to go about behaving yourselves, understand?

First things first, remember, you're a Slytherin, you have a reputation to upkeep. You have a style to maintain. You have a world out there just waiting for you to come around and own it. When you step foot in a room, don't you dare look like you have no idea why you're there. Someone else might not know why they took a left turn instead of a right, but not you. You own the room as soon as you set eyes on it. Remember that, I don't want to see any slouching, none of this hiding in the corners. I don't care if you feel like you're about to explode, you're cool as ice and you make sure everyone in that room knows it.

Don't help anyone from a different house out unless you get something from it. There's no reason for you to go out of your way to help someone that's not Slytherin, because, and trust me on this one, they won't do anything of the sort for you. You're going to learn quickly, the only people you're going to be able to trust is each other. And even that might not work out all the time…

Yes, yes, I'm getting on with it. Try to keep your excited little bodies from bouncing around too much while I tell you all of this. You're going to have to learn how to be self-sufficient quite early on, I'm afraid. You're going to have to learn how to hide things, also. You wouldn't want to break down in class only to have it thrown in your face for the rest of the year, would you? Of course not. Weakness is unacceptable outside that door. Do not expect to have anyone, anyone, come help you if something goes wrong. You must not let anyone see just what is happening to you. I don't care if you get yourself in a fight and the pain is threatening to make you scream, you bite your bloody tongue and you keep it in. You don't go down crying. Slytherin's do not show weakness.

But that's not to say you have to stand there and take everything anyone dishes out at you. Always be ready to bite back. Always have an arsenal of comments and retorts ready at your disposal. Never let your guard down around anyone. ANYONE. And if the going gets so tough you feel like stabbing your eyes out rather than hearing any more, there's no shame in a graceful retreat. Graceful, pets, try to remember that. Backing out like a half-dead dog only gives them more ammo to fire at you later. Leave with a trademark phrase, some nice half-true stab at their bloodline or such. That'd be perfect, yes. Very nice.

You are Slytherin's now, and I guess it's about time we get to that one side of things no one ever likes to hear. Look around you, look at the people on your left and right. Get to know their faces. These are the only people you're going to be able to trust, in school, and maybe even in life. Yes, outside of school. You're Slytherins, now, what did you think it meant? Don't trust anyone who outside of this house. Unless, of course, you like feeling rejected. Then, by all means, go ahead pets. Take your chances, but don't come crying back to me when your idealistic little fantasy castle comes crashing down around you.

Remember this well, no one other than another Slytherin will ever give you the time of day like you deserve. The other houses will gladly gang up to knock you down. There is no one in this school you can trust like except each other. We are bound in this together, pets. We are no one's but our own. This is you home, your refuge. Don't expect to be comfortable anywhere else, because those idiotic pests that inhabit the rest of this school will make sure every room you step into is parallel to hell. But that's all right. Its okay, because when the worst comes, you'll still have this dungeon, you'll still have these people. And, unlike those fools out there, we know exactly how it feels.

All right, all right. I can hear you all sighing with boredom. One day you'll thank me for this, you will. You just don't know it yet. One day your bright eyed child-like naiveté will be shattered and scattered and trodden upon, and you'll remember what I told you tonight. Slytherin are proud, Slytherin are strong. Slytherin are, above all, untouchable. Now get out of here. Your childhood innocence and shining little eyes are making me sick.

E/N: I hope you enjoyed that. I hope I captured some of that wonderful Slytherin spirit. Just goes to show that music+fanfics leads to strange things.