Robin and Catwoman are owned by DC comics of course. First time I've tried first person perspective. Apologies if I get any tenses wrong. All reviews welcome, I hope you enjoy the story! This is planned for just a short one off story but if people like it I might continue it.
Robin seeks advice
I am currently in rather a strange place. Well it would be strange for most people. For me, unfortunately, it was quite normal. Well normalish. I am on the thirtieth floor of one of Gotham's skyscrapers. Again quite a normal place for most people. I'm standing on the outside of it, however.
I tried the voice again. My best voice. My come in out of the cold voice. "Come back in please? It really is freezing out here." It's not actually cold. It's quite warm actually but I want to entice her in somehow?
She edged further along the window ledge. Couldn't she see how far up we are? Even the pigeons get vertigo up here. Don't look down. Don't look down! Oh great she has looked down. Now she is getting dizzy. Now she is falling off the ledge. I throw myself off the ledge and make a leap for her as she falls. The wind whips at my eyes. My cloak was slowing the fall. Damn it! I haven't caught up with her yet. My black-gloved hand caught her by the scruff of the neck.
Thank god! I caught her. If Selina realised I had left the window open I would be in real trouble. Of course I'd be in more trouble if she realised I accidentally pushed her cat out the window to start off with. I angled my body slightly reached for a grappling gun and fired it up at the top of the apartment block and glided nicely back into her room. The cat was scratching me. Or rather trying to.
I closed the window quickly and tried to stand there looking nonchalant. Well as nonchalant as it is possible to look dressed like a giant Robin. I mean a Robin? Bruce gets all the best costumes and I still don't believe his "There's no black material left." I think he just wanted someone dressed as a giant red and yellow target next to him so he can sneak about while everyone is shooting at me.
Selina came out of the bathroom. "Don't stand there like a statue Tim, make yourself at home." She walked up to me and rubbed her hand over my Robin insignia. "Please take off that costume."
What was she thinking? I only had my boxers on under this lot. No I'm not pervy but it's hot out there. If I had my jeans and shirt on under here the criminals would be alerted by the overwhelming odour of sweat before I grabbed them. As a small gesture I took my mask off. Now what to say, what to say? Small talk has never been my strong suit. Well I say that. When I punched Two-Face out 30 minutes ago I was rather witty. I punched him on both sides and said "One each for each face!" Made me chuckle.
Oh no Selina is looking at me! She's got that strange look on her face. Look around the room. Make conversation. Ooh a picture of a cat! That's a conversation starter and no mistake! "So you like cats?"
Silence. What's wrong with that one? Oh no! She's raised an eyebrow. More information needed. "Don't you find them smelly? Or is that dogs. No I'm thinking about pigs actually. I think? What's that animal with the big teeth like thith." Not a good idea to do the hand movements and now I've drooled all over my hand. It makes me lisp as well. She's giving me a strange look again!
"Anyway Tim, it is always nice for you to drop in but what are you here for."
Well this is it. The advice I need. I mean she's a woman right? They all know this stuff. "Well there's this girl at college…"
She's rolling her eyes. Why is she rolling her eyes? "…and you like her but don't know if she likes you and want to know what to say to her?"
"No! No! No! Nothing like that at all. Absolutely wrong!" How do they know? Are they able to read minds? "Well maybe something like that…"
Selina sighed. "Sit down Tim, tell me all about her."
I sat down. There was a hiss and a scrape of claws to remind me why I wear bulletproof tights and then I sat down again. I looked over at Selina. She really is rather pretty. I wonder why she hasn't got a boyfriend? Anyway how to start this. "She's in my course and she sits in front of me. Her eyes are like two sparkling blue pools…"
"Full of fish?" Added Selina.
"Blue? So chlorinated?"
"No! Anyway her hair is like a waterfall of brown…"
"A chocolate waterfall like at Willy Wonka's Chocolate factory?"
"Skip the colourful metaphors and just tell me the details."
"She's fifteen wears a brace and a has a bad case of acne."
"Fine." She looks thoughtful. "Why are you attracted to her?"
How could I explain? How could I tell her that my heart skips a beat everytime she looks at me? How could I tell her that her every word is like an angelic sword across my soul? "She's got big…" Selina started giving me an evil look. I've even seen Bruce shudder at this stare. How to finish off this sentence with the minimum of pain? "grades in…" Think Tim! Think! "Hamster studies." Round of applause to the brain!
She's still staring at me. Why is she still staring at me? "So you lust at her from afar then?"
"Well yes. Totally! Absolutely right!" Think about this Tim. Not exactly truthful is it. "Well not really afar. She sits on the desk next to me..."
"…in hamster studies…"
"Well it might not be hamster studies."
"Unrequited love." She sighs. "Why are men so stupid I mean it is completely obvious. The whole world knows about it. But he won't acknowledge it himself…"
"Selina! Selina!" I say. "You're fading out there. We're talking about me!" What is it with women? It is all me, me, me! So selfish! "I need to know," I start speaking slowly. For some reason she has started sobbing. She must be allergic to cat hair. Strange thing for a woman like her… "what to say to her to ask to the school prom."
She wipes her eyes and looks up. "Just tell her you like her and ask if she has a date for the prom. Women like confidence."
That was it? That was her advice. I had to chuckle. Not out loud! Definitely not out loud. Selina had a mean right hook. "I think your wrong there!" I got out a small bit of paper from my utility belt. "I've accumulated a few pick up lines here and I thought I would try them out…"
"On me? You want to try your chat up lines on me?"
You can say that about Selina. She is quick! "Yes. I don't fancy you or anything…"
She was doing that thing with her eyebrows again. Very off putting that. Can't she keep them in a straight line like everyone else?
"You don't find me attractive?"
"Not one bit catty!"
"Thank god! Well I don't fancy you either."
Well that's a bit steep! It's all very well telling someone you don't like them in that way but it is a bit nasty being told it back! That's women all over. Tactless."Anyway…" I flattened out the paper. "I got some of these from some friends at school. Tell me if you start to feel… I don't know? How do women feel like when they are attracted to someone?"
Selina lies back against the settee. "Lost in their eyes. Awaiting their deep gravely masculine voice. Wanting to rub my hands down his long black cape…"
"Selina! Selina!" I say. She's gone again. Why can't she concentrate on the job in hand?
She wipes a hand over her eyes again. "I'm sorry Tim, please carry on."
I flatten the paper down memorise the line and look at her intently whilst I'm talking. "Hey babe! Wanna get lucky!" One eyebrow moves slightly up and her other eye flickers a bit. No other reaction. "What did you feel?"
She seems to have trouble speaking. Very good these lines!
"Can you try another one out please?" She says.
Possibly I've got the voice wrong. I try and change the tone for the next one. I try the lowest tone I can. "I miss my teddy bear. Will you sleep with me?" It makes my eyes water doing that. I don't know how Bruce does that voice all the time. I look at her expectantly. Her face shows no reaction. Ooh wait a minute! She's putting her hand over her eyes. Must have affected her! Good line! Good line!
"One more! One more!" She says, still with her hand still over her eyes.
I'll try a higher voice for the next one. Just in the spirit of experimentation. One of the advantages of wearing tight underwear! "All those curves and me with no brakes." I squeak.
She starts laughing uncontrollably. Women. No self control at all. "What is so funny?" I say calmly.
"Nothing, nothing!" She looks at me intently. "Please carry on…" The corner of her mouth is twitching.
I give her a shrewd look. She's thinking about something else. She's not listening to me. That has to be it. "Are you concentrating?" I say speaking slowly. She nods her head. "Are you listening?" She nods her head again. "Tell me if you start to feel…" I wave my hands in a strange way. "attracted in anyway shape or form to …" I carry on waving my hands. I'll stop doing that. I've just hit her cat. She's scratched me again! You see if I catch her next time I push her out the window! "…me." I add.
She's looking at me with a strangely intense look in her face. Hand movements! That's what I'm missing! I push the cat onto the floor. Don't want to annoy it again. It's just scratched my leg! Right. Ignore that. Ignore the blood running down my leg and my arm. I look down at the paper again. I stand up. "I think I'm missing the hand movements," I say. Right set voice at one octave lower than my normal one. Place one hand on hip, wave other hand in a circle, well maybe a triangle, I'll think about that one as I go and start nodding my head like I'm cool… "Were you in the Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot."
She is in hysterics now for some reason? It must be her. I know these lines are dynamite. I'm not staying for any more of this. She's obviously got other things on her mind. "Thanks for the scratches Selina. You obviously need some time alone." I walk to the window; she's started rolling on the floor laughing. Obviously ill. Cat flu probably. "I'll find the Huntress, Helena, try them out on her…"