Title: Biscuits, Buses, and Bacon
Author: bookworm835
Rating: PG
Category: Humor
Summary: "Mmm. I have this dream... I'm driving a bus and my teeth start falling out. My mum's in the back eating biscuits. Everything smells of bacon. It's weird." Fun Charlie nonsense! R&R!
Disclaimer: I do not own Lost, the Lord of the Rings, Smurfs, etc. and I am making no money, although it WOULD be pretty cool to get, like, 5 for every person who reads this. ;) But it's a just a dream... like this silly little fic.
A/N: Okay, I'm gonna apologize in advance for the absolute stupidness of all of this - it's sort of hard to write about something that was described earlier in four sentences. Hmm. I just HAD to write this, as pathetic of an excuse for humor it is. Hopefully you'll all still get a bit of a laugh from it! Please excuse the crappyness and lack of details.

"Yummm... Charlie dear, you really need to try some of these biscuits - they're absolutely heavenly."

Charlie shook his head. Damn, there went another tooth. "Muuuum," he whined, "can't you see I'm busy? I'm trying to concentrate on the road here! Do you want me to get fired? Besides, how am I supposed to eat a biscuit when I don't have teeth?"

"Gum it!"


He suddenly jerked the steering wheel and drove around a blue smurf on a cow that was positioned in the middle of the road.

"GET OUT OF THE ROAD, MORON!" he yelled angrily, swerving to the left, sticking his head out of the window and brandishing a fist. The cow mooed blandly and then sprouted little white wings and flew away.

Charlie shook his head. "What a bloody idiot," he muttered.

Mrs. Pace stuffed her cheeks with biscuits and butter. She looked like a chipmunk. "Eat one!" she cried happily, crumbs flying from her mouth. She thrust one in front of his mouth. Charlie jerked the bus and the biscuit got jammed up his nose. It smelled like bacon.

"LOOK WHAT YOU DID!" he shouted, sneezing out chunks of cake.



Mrs. Pace spit out her biscuit. "You hit a munchkin!" she declared, her eyes wide, her finger accusingly poking the back of his neck.

"Ow, stop that!" Charlie parked the bus and hopped out. His mother toddled out behind him, her arms and mouth crammed with more biscuits. He stepped over three little curly-headed midgets and peered under the bus.

"Bloody hell," Charlie muttered, scratching his chin, "look at that mess."

The midgets squealed. "What did you do to Mr. Frodo?" the fattest one squeaked.

Charlie shrugged. "What did you do to my bus?" he shot back.

"You killed the ringbearer!" chirped the tiniest.

"Yah, well, I don't like weddings anyway," Charlie replied. He pried a darker-haired munchkin from off of a wheel.

The others glanced at each other and shrugged, murmuring, "What is a wedding?"

"Crap, now I'm gonna lose my job for sure!" Charlie pouted.

The midgets murmured more. "What is a crap?"

Suddenly, the tallest hobbit poked Charlie in the leg with a little sword. "There is witchcraft afoot, lads; look at this one! He looks like me..." He paused. "... except uglier."

Charlie jumped on the sword-munchkin and bit his leg, snarling like a wild thing.

Mrs. Pace whacked him on the head. "Violence is bad! Didn't you pay ANY attention to those Barney movies I made you watch?"

"I hate you, you hate me, we're a shitty fa-mi-ly!" Charlie sang.

The midgets gasped and pointed. "NAUGHTY WORD!" they said in unison.

Charlie glared. "Hey, if you didn't know what crap was, how do you know what shit is?" he said.

"We're hobbits, we know aaaaaall," they explained.

"Hob Bits sounds like a candy," Charlie said. He bit Merry's leg again. "Ptooey, you don't TASTE like candy..."

"That's 'cause we're NOT candy," Frodo said, twitching.

"MR. FRODO! YOU'RE ALIVE!" Sam yelled, hugging and kissing Frodo all over.

Charlie let out a screechy yell and fell over, jerking and twitching

"What's HIS problem?" Pippin muttered to Merry, whose leg had been chewed off.

"He's allergic to anything gay," Mrs. Pace explained, thoughtfully chewing her biscuits, completely ignoring the fact that her youngest (and HOTTEST!) son was having convulsions right next to her.

Sam said, "HOW ARE YOU ALIVE?" into Frodo's face.

Frodo shrugged cheerfully and hopped up. "Well, I got stabbed, like, a gazillion times in the Fellowship of the Ring, I think I can survive being hit by a bus full of lunatics."


As soon as Frodo hopped up away from Sam, Charlie hopped up. "So!" he said in a perky voice, "I think I'm better now as long as you two aren't - aren't..." His eyes suddenly widened and he drooled, the rest of his teeth falling out along with his spit.

Mrs. Pace snapped her fingers in front of Charlie's face. "Oh, nevermind, dearies, he does this sometimes. Especially when he was still in school. Just give him a second..."

Sam yawned.

Merry poked Charlie with his sword. "Helloooooo..."

Charlie jerked back into awareness. "Heroiiiiiiin," he said dreamily.


Everyone turned from one to another, each shaking their heads, until they all look at Pippin who was holding a little leaf thingy full of powdery stuff and pipes. He glanced around and slowly hid the leaf thingy behind his back. "Uhhh..." He took a step backwards. Charlie took a step forwards. "Merry, I don't like how he's looking at me," Pippin said nervously.

Charlie lunged.

"EEP!" Pippin was crushed under Charlie's weight.

Charlie yanked the leaf thingy from the little hobbit's hands. "Wow, I didn't know all Hob Bits munchkins were junkies! Maybe you're not all so stupid after all..."

Mrs. Pace, Sam, Frodo, and Merry watched the two tumble around.

"Biscuit?" Mrs. Pace said.

Sam, Frodo, and Merry nodded and accepted a cake each from Mrs. Pace. They munched on them. They all spit it out.

"WHAT IS THIS SHIT?" they yelled in unison.

Mrs. Pace "eep"ed this time. "What is this story rated again?" she demanded.


They grabbed the rest of her biscuits, ran miles away in a matter of seconds, tossed the little cakes into a ravine, ran back, and grabbed her wrists. "C'mon, we're taking you to Subway," they said, dragging her away.

Charlie brought the leaf thingy up to his mouth and gnawed off the top while Pippin feebly tried to get his stash back.


Pippin pounded his tiny fists into Charlie's nose (that's probably why he has a flat nose - PIPPIN PUNCHED HIM!). "IT'S PIPEWEED!"





Charlie shoved the leaf thingy whole into his mouth, laughing in a "muahaha" sort of way.

Then someone was shaking his shoulders.

"Charlie! CHARLIE!"

Charlie's eyes shot open. His pillow was jammed into his mouth. He was rolling around on the cave floors, Jack staring at him, everyone else staying far away, sniggering.

"Ptooey!" Charlie spit his pillow out. "What happened to my heroin-slash-pipeweed? Where'd Mummy go? Now I'm gonna get fired for sure. Hmph, some dream."

Okay, I'm REALLY sorry, that was, like, the stupidest thing EEEEVER but oh well. I felt like being crazy so THERE! Haha. Um, please review but no flames becaues I already know this sucked! ;)