(A/N: Whoo, been forever since I've written anything, hasn't it? Well, I'm back. I might get lazy again but I'm back for the moment. ...Yuh. Well, read, and don't forget to drop a review at the end!)
The Legend of Cojiro:Zelda's Quest to Obtain Eggs
"ZELDA, HON." yelled my nanny, Impa. "CAN YOU GO GET ME AN EGG?"
"Sure," I said. "But for what?"
She entered the room. "One of the castle guards is hungry. Hurry up."
"Um. Do you want me to like, cook it?"
"I know you don't know how to do that. He'll be fine. Just get the egg, woman."
"Mmkay. I can get you an egg." but little did I know...
I headed to the refrigerator with every intention of returning in about thirty seconds with an egg in my hand and a smile on my face. ...Or something like that. But when I got to the fridge...well, I opened it. But then I looked inside, and screamed.
"IMPA! IMPA! COME HERE, QUICK!" I screamed. "THIS...THIS CAN'T BE!"
She rushed over. "What is it!"
I pointed at the refrigerator accusingly. "WE'RE...WE'RE..."
"We're what, Zelda?"
"OUT OF EGGS!"
(Insert horrified gasps throughout the entire castle)
Impa fell to her knees in shock. "How...how is that possible?"
"I know, Impa. I...I know how you must be feeling..."
"No! You don't!" I could see tears beginning to form in her eyes. "I...I could have sworn I bought eggs...only a week ago!" she swallowed some of her tears. "Do you...do you know what I went through to get those eggs? And now...THEY'RE GONE!" she picked up a pillow from the couch and threw it at the wall. "THEY'RE GONE! AND WASTED, I TELL YOU! ALL WASTED ON THE LITTLE THINGS WE USE THEM FOR! WE JUST TAKE THINGS FOR GRANTED, UNTIL THEY'RE ALL GONE!"
I started crying hysterically. "Impa...I...I'm sorry. I had to make a few omelets for my party...but I never knew it would...it would...come to...come to this."
She slowly turned to me, an extremely angry look in her eyes. "YOU DID THIS?"
I cried harder. "Y-yes..."
She closed her eyes, sighed, got up, and dusted off her pants. "Well, Zelda...I guess there's no choice."
"...You're going to have to kill me."
"No. You have to walk down to the Market and buy some more."
So, I started on what I thought would be a short trip to and from the market. THOUGHT being the key word.
I headed over to one of the food stands. "Excuse me...do you have any eggs?"
"No...sorry. We're out. But check Melvin's food stand. He might have some."
So I went to the other food stand and asked Melvin if he had any eggs. But he didn't, either. Well, some creepy guy next to me said "I have PLENTY of eggs for you, Zelda." but I just ran away.
Sure, neither of the two people in Hyrule who sell food had any eggs, but I wasn't worried in the least. Because I could just go to the Sacred Realm and get some from Rauru. There isn't a food item in the world he doesn't have.
Well, I transported myself to the Sacred Realm with my super special sagey powers. And there, wearing an XXXL pink dress and bunny slippers, was Rauru. Sorting through his refrigerator.
"Oh baby, baby. How was I supposed to know...that something wasn't right here. Oh baby-ZELDA!" he jumped as soon as he saw me. "Wh-How-Wh-I wasn't expecting you!"
"Yeah, get over it, you oversized sea sponge. And don't be singing about me. You're not my type." This was how I always acted toward Rauru. That's how you're supposed to act toward obese several-centuries-old men who guarded sacred realms, right?
He blushed. "I...I wasn't...you just came in...and...well." he smirked now. "Who IS your type? Link?"
"No." I said without any sign of embarrassment. "Josh Hartnett is my type."
"Oh." he stared at me. "Well, what do you want?"
"I come bearing news."
"We have run out of eggs."
"...And you want some from me?"
"Oh. Well, you'll have to do something for me in return." His eyes sparkled mischievously. "Yes...that's right."
I stared in horror. "EWWW! EWWW! YOU PERVERTED, 800 YEAR OLD OBESE PEDOPHILE! YOU...YOU...HOW COULD YOU EVEN..."
He raised an eyebrow. "Well, I was thinking more of a pie-eating contest, but..."
I continued as if I hadn't heard him. "OH, AND WHAT'S PIE A SLANG TERM FOR WITH YOU WRINKLIES? HM?"
"...No, Zelda, I meant actually like a pie-eating contest. You know, with pie?"
"Oh. Well, okay."
"SEBASTIAN!" he called. A young, well-dressed butler came out, holding a pen and a scroll. "What is it, my good sir?" asked Sebastian.
"Supply me and my guest with a table and two chairs. And get on it, chop chop!"
As Sebastian went to fetch the table and chairs, I conversed with Rauru a little.
"So, do I have to win the contest to get the eggs?"
"...Win? Oh, no, of course not. You just have to participate. Or if you're not hungry, just watch me eat pie and win the contest."
"...Then what's the point of having a contest? Couldn't we just sit here, slowly eating pie, and discussing memories from times past?"
"I like an excuse to stuff my face."
"One table, two chairs!" Sebastian entered with them and put them in the middle of the...room. Come to think of it, how does he leave and enter the room without using sage powers/the Temple of Time? It's just a platform surrounded by an endless pit. Oh well.
Anyways, we sat down at the table and Sebby brought out the pie. (I'm referring to him as Sebby for now on. It's easier to type.)
Well, as soon as the pie was set down in front of him, Rauru...well, he just smashed his face into it and...yeah. I, however, asked Sebby for a spoon and he gladly gave me one. And I politely took small spoonfuls at a time. But by the time I had taken two bites, Rauru had finished his pie.
I sighed. "Well, Rauru. A deal's a deal. You promised me the eggs. Hurry up and get them."
"Oh my, we are fresh out of eggs, madame." said Sebby.
"WHAT!" my scream filled the entire Sacred Realm. Since Rauru, Sebby, and I were the only people there, it only effected Rauru. (Sebby was pretty much unable to do anything he wasn't commanded to do, and he wasn't commanded to have his ear drums broken.)
"I'm sorry...Zelda.." Rauru started to cry. "I just wanted a pie-eating contest..." he whimpered.
"I'LL SHOW YOU A PIE-EATING CONTEST!" I screamed at him. "Sebby, fetch me about 5,000 pies, would you?"
Well, in about an hour he returned with the pies, and I threw every one of them on him. Yeah, I was pretty pissed.
I stomped out of the sacred realm. Well, I used my sage powers to transport myself out of it, and stomped around a little. And then I went to the Temple of Time, to pray to the goddesses for eggs...
But as soon as I entered, I heard mysterious voices.
"Zelda...your time has come..."
"Link's been on a few, now it's your turn..."
"You won't be needing a smelly, forest kid with a glowing, flying tennis ball to save you anymore..."
I screamed. "Who are you! You aren't...the goddesses, are you?"
"Well...we ARE the goddesses. Well, sort of. Just not the goddesses of Hyrule."
"Which goddesses are you then?" I asked.
"Well...er...this isn't going to sound very impressive...but um..."
"Shut up, Ducklet. We're the goddesses of poultry, okay?"
"Yeah. We're the goddesses of all that have wings and feathers and lay eggs."
"EGGS!" I screamed. I started foaming at the mouth. "YOOOUUU...YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND...EGGSSSSSS..."
"Uh, yeah. That's kind of your mission, stupid."
(Whispering is heard)
"Oh, well, you were looking for eggs? We're um, gonna help you out."
"YAY!" I cried happily.
"Um, shouldn't we like, introduce ourselves?"
"Well, it would make it easier for her to speak to us individually. The name's Chickenling."
"Uh. Ducklet. God, we sound so stupid. Why do we have to be cursed with such stupid names?"
"Shut up. I'm Turkelina. I was a man once."
"Uh. Zelda." I said. "So, are you gonna be like, in my head at all times, or something?"
I heard them arguing in a whisper.
"Sure, I guess." said Chickenling.
"...Well, okay. So, what do you want me to do first?"
Again, they argued amongst themselves in a whisper."
"First," said Turkelina. "First, you must find the legendary blue chicken.
Yey a sort-of cliffhanger! Who will be the legendary blue chicken? ...Well seeing as to there's only one blue chicken in the game that shouldn't be too hard. Anyways, free sandwiches to reviewers! ...Yuh. Or cookies. Um. specify your choice in your review, mkay?