So here it is, the last chapter of my story. I hope you'll like the end.
On the one hand I'm glad that it's finally done but on the other hand I'm sure I'm gonna miss this. I know for sure that I'm gonna miss all your kind reviews. Thanks for staying with me till the end.
Spike was in heaven. He had to be because this – the feel of Buffy's soft lips against his own; willingly and, well, real – this was nothing but heavenly bliss. But since being a vampire and being in heaven were two things that normally wouldn't go together well Spike knew for sure that he wasn't. In heaven that is.
He was standing in the middle of his dark and dank crypt. And he was kissing the Slayer. And, more important, she was kissing him back.
This was as close to heaven as Spike could think of. Not that he could think very straight right now because kissing Buffy… well, it had left his mind completely blank. There was not one coherent thought in his head and neither was there any blood left for his brain to work. It had all traveled south where it had settled in his groin to leave him painfully hard.
But Spike didn't mind.
In fact it felt incredibly good. Buffy was leaning in close and he could feel her breasts pressing against his chest. She had wrapped her arms around his neck and was currently ruffling through his short hair. The touch made his skin tingle with electricity.
Spike couldn't stop a soft groan from coming out of his throat and he pulled his arms closer around the girl to caress her back. A matching groan escaped Buffy's lips just before she had to pull her mouth away to eventually draw a deep breath.
Spike was also panting heavily (though he didn't need the air) when he lifted his head slightly and opened his eyes to look at Buffy.
The Slayer's green eyes were opened wide and held Spike's anticipating blue gaze. Neither of them dared to speak or shift; they kept holding each other close afraid to spoil the moment by moving.
Finally Spike lifted his hand to caress Buffy's cheek.
"Buffy," he breathed softly.
The slayer gulped and lowered her eyes to her feet. She stepped backwards and let go of Spike who reluctantly took his arms away as well.
"I… ugh, I have to go," Buffy stammered and took another step back.
"Buffy, wait," Spike pleaded, "we need to talk about this."
"No, Spike, look," Buffy answered, "I have to go. Dawn… she'll be home soon and I promised to be there when she gets back. You see, I don't like her being all alone in the house and…"
"But this, Buffy… what is this?" Spike wanted to know.
"This," Buffy said and looked up, "is… I don't know, Spike. Nothing."
"Nothing, Slayer?" Spike's voice rose, "We kissed, Buffy. You kissed me!"
"Hey, you kissed me, too!" Buffy shot back.
"Yeah, well," Spike stepped closer, "What do you expect? I love you."
"Yeah, and I…" Buffy stopped herself by covering her mouth quickly with a hand. She sent an unsure glance at the baffled vampire.
"You what?" he wanted to know.
"I…" Buffy stopped and turned around to start walking towards the door. But after three steps she faced Spike again and when she spoke her voice was soft and pleading:
"I don't know, Spike. It's all very... confusing. Just… just give me some time to think, okay?"
Spike sighed and ruffled his hair slightly.
"Okay, Slayer. Bloody think about it. But mind this: Avoiding me won't make it go away. I won't go away."
"I don't want you to." Buffy answered and opened the door to step out into the cemetery.
Spike turned around and walked over towards his armchair. When he sank into it he whispered:
"She doesn't want me away."
The smile that had spread out over his face with the words stayed for the rest of the night.
When Buffy entered her kitchen through the back door her mind was still reeling around the last words she'd said to Spike: 'I don't want you to go away.'
It was true. She wanted him around; she needed him.
And not just because he was the strongest fighter at her side; not for being the muscle. Spike had become so infinitely more to her.
The last few days or even weeks had shown Buffy just everything Spike was or could be. Sure, most times he was smug and cocky and annoying as hell… but he could also be compassionate and tender; kind and gentle. He was strong and determined in his actions and if he'd set his mind on something he'd do anything in his power to achieve it. You could almost call him reliable.
Buffy smiled inwardly. Spike and reliable… two words she'd never thought she'd use in one breath.
But it was the truth. She'd started to rely on him. To protect Dawn, to help herself out… to be there for her.
And he'd proven worthy of it on numerous accounts. He had been there for her to rely on and Buffy new for sure that nothing would ever stop him from keeping it up. Spike would be there for her for the rest of his life if she'd only let him.
'And,' her inner voice screamed, 'you depend on it. You want it. You want him.'
It was right; that tiny little voice inside had a point. She wanted him. She couldn't think of a life without him; she didn't dare to think of him not being there.
Buffy sighed and sank down on the couch in the living room. Okay, so she'd finally admitted to herself that she wanted Spike.
And he obviously wanted her as well; his craving had been evident in the kiss. Buffy could still feel the softness of his lips upon her own; she could still recall the taste of it. Cool and tender lips begging for acceptance; craving for it.
Buffy suddenly knew for sure that she was more than willing to give it to him. Acceptance, care; even stronger feelings. Everything he needed she was willing to give.
So why had she freaked earlier? Why had she felt the need to run away and leave him in doubt of her feelings? Even if she didn't dare to call it love yet; she had feelings for Spike and he had the right to know.
But she had wavered; she had chickened out like a scared little girl.
There was nothing to be afraid of, was there?
Suddenly Buffy was pulled harshly out of her thoughts by the noise of the front door opening. Willow, Tara and Dawn came walking into the living room chatting lively.
"Oh, hey Buffy," Willow smiled, "you're home early. No patrolling tonight?"
"Huh?" Buffy looked up to her friends startled. "Oh, yes, patrolling. Later," she sighed and suddenly she knew what had driven her to chicken out on Spike.
'What would they think of me if they knew?' she thought sadly.
"And, you know," Dawn had kept on chatting with Tara oblivious to her sister's mood, "it's just what the guy in the movie did wrong. Even Spike had to agree on it and he's a guy, too. Well, sort of."
Buffy's head snapped up at the mentioning of Spike and her eyes went big.
"Spike?" she inquired anxiously.
Willow watched her friend with sudden concern. Something seemed to be bothering Buffy; she looked kind of… aloof.
"Buffy?" she addressed her cautiously, "Can I talk to you for a minute?"
Buffy's gaze traveled to the witch. "Sure, Wills. What's up?" She stood up and tried to compose herself.
"Ugh, kitchen?" Willow nodded backwards and started walking over to the cooking aisle. Buffy frowned and followed slowly.
The redhead waited nervously while Buffy took a seat at one of the stools in front of the counter. Then she took a deep breath and asked:
"Buffy, is everything alright?"
Buffy frowned again. "Sure, Will."
"Really? You seem to be… I don't know, bothered."
"Bothered? Why, no. Why should I be bothered?" Buffy couldn't look into her friend's eyes and glanced down at her feet.
"I don't know," Willow tried to sound comforting, "you look aloof and… rattled. Kind of confused." Buffy kept silent and Willow grew more nervous. She started babbling:
"You're flushed and your hair is tangled... and your lipstick is all smeared… huh, you look like you were involved in a big fight... or big smooches." She smiled slightly. The latter was meant to cheer Buffy up but the blond girl blushed furiously and avoided Willow's eyes even more. And suddenly Willow knew she'd hit the nail on the head.
"Oh, goddess, that's it, isn't it?" she rambled, "you got big smoochies with…" she broke of and frowned, "with… huh, but it's not possible. With whom, Buffy?"
"Willow, " Buffy started uncomfortably, "I… I can't…"
Willow was still rambling: "Ugh, I mean, not that you're not smooch-able or… but I didn't know there was someone… there is someone, right? I mean, you don't have to spill it if you don't want to but… you know you can talk to me. You do know, don't you?"
Buffy looked up and sighed. "Will, it's not… it's not what you think. It's really complicated and I don't know…" she broke off helplessly when she felt a big lump settle in her throat. "I can't tell you cause I don't know... it's nothing, Willow!" she sniffled slightly. Damn, she wouldn't cry!
Willow walked closer to the distressed slayer and placed a tentative hand on her forearm.
"Now, Buffy. You know you can tell me anything. It can't be that bad, can it?"
Buffy shook her head. "Oh, Willow. You have no idea! It's the size of bad you would never think possible."
"Big bad, huh?" Willow stated oblivious that again she'd hit the nail on the head.
"Big Bad, yeah." Buffy sighed and couldn't stop a single tear from falling down.
Willow watched her friend silently and tried to think of something to say. 'Big bad. Wait, big… oh!' Her eyes went suddenly huge. She yelped: "Oh! You mean…"
All Buffy could manage was throw a helpless glance at the witch and nod.
"Buffy…" Willow whispered, "it's… Spike?"
The slayer nodded again and let out a small sob.
"Buffy, what happened? What did he do to you? Did you… I mean, did he… you know, hurt you? Did he force you?" Willow hesitated. What had Spike done? It had to be something terrible if Buffy was that put out by it.
"Force me?" Buffy wondered, "What? No! Willow, no. Nothing like that! He didn't do anything." Buffy smiled slightly. "I mean, okay, he… he kissed me."
"What?" Willow inquired, "He kissed you? Just like that? Out of the blue?"
"No, I…" Buffy looked up insecurely. She was afraid of what would show on Willow's face if she'd tell her the whole story but at the same time she was eager to let it all out. So she braced herself and said: "Well, the first kiss was kind of out of the blue. It was the night after mom… died," she gulped, "and Spike comforted me when I started crying and then… you know," Buffy stopped embarrassed.
"It's okay, Buffy. Go on." Willow assured.
"Well, we kissed and suddenly I was all over him. I felt so lost and he was there, you know? But he stopped me from going any further."
"He stopped you?" Willow wondered.
"Yeah, I know. It was completely weird but he was all gentle and comforting and…"
"And, well, next time I saw him I completely freaked out on him and ran away and then I went on that trip with Giles and the First Slayer told me that death was my gift and love would lead me to it and…"
"Huh?" Willow didn't think she saw the connection between the advice of the spirit guide and Spike kissing Buffy.
"It doesn't matter." Buffy waved it away. "Anyway, I had already realized that Spike had gradually changed and after the spiritual trip I decided to change a few things, too and that's why this evening I went to his crypt to thank him for looking out for Dawn the other night and all that." Buffy pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and continued determined to get over with it: "And then… then I asked him to kiss me again," she finished embarrassed but glad she'd let it all out.
"You… wow!" Willow was taken aback. Buffy had asked Spike to kiss her? "But Buffy, why? I mean… do you… do you love him?"
"No!" Buffy answered a bit too quickly. "I mean, I don't know," she relented, "I don't think it's love but… I guess I… have feelings for him." She looked down at her shoes again.
"Wow!" Willow exclaimed. "Wow!" she repeated more cheerful.
Buffy looked up anxiously. "You're not disgusted? Freaked?"
"Freaked? No, Buffy." Willow assured quickly, "Why should I be freaked?"
"Because it's Spike!" Buffy exclaimed helplessly.
"Yeah, well, okay. I have to admit I'm not completely thrilled by the thought of the two of you exchanging big smoochies but… hey, wait!" Willow suddenly remembered something. "At least that explains the huge energy-boost."
"Energy-what?" Buffy frowned, "Huh?"
Now it was Willow's time to look embarrassed.
"Well, I did this thing the other night," she confessed.
"You know that Tara has been trying to teach me how to read people's auras, right? She's pretty good at it and I wanted to learn it, too because it can be really helpful in figuring people out."
Willow didn't notice Buffy's confused look and continued: "I started practicing on Spike because he's kind of fascinating. I mean in a magical kind of way. His aura has always been strong and powerful; dark shades with bright red and white spots in it. Well, it's really difficult to explain. But him being a vampire always made the reading kind of… blurry. Like looking at it through layers of veils. Like seeing bright spots at the bottom of a deep ocean, you know?"
No, Buffy didn't know but she was trying to understand nevertheless.
Willow went on: "The other night when Spike was here watching movies with us I looked at his aura again. And I noticed a complete difference. Well, no, not a complete difference. His aura was still very dark, shades of blue and violet and purple and the dark was still all blurry. But where the lighter spots had been everything was different. The fuzzy red and white had turned sharp, like someone had lifted them from under water into the bright sunlight. It looked like some kind of energy-boost had happened. It outshined everything else."
Buffy looked confused at the enthusiastic witch and asked:
"So what you're saying is that somehow Spike's aura got a weird tuning-up, right?"
"Yeah," Willow smiled slightly, "and you happen to be the one that did it, Buffy."
"Whoa, Wills, hold on a second," Buffy said shocked, "what makes you think it was me?"
"Well," Willow smiled, "Tara explained to me that the bright spots in Spike's aura represented his strongest and deepest emotions, his most genuine feelings. If he would be human it would be his inner self, his soul."
"But Spike doesn't have a soul."
"I know, but nevertheless he has deep feelings inside. They've always been there under the surface. Hidden under shades of dark. And now something has brought these feelings to the front. Something happened to make them stronger; to make them outshine everything else."
"But," Buffy stuttered, "but these feelings, they aren't necessarily good ones, right? I mean, what if the spots are all evil? Spike's vampiric needs, his love for violence or something like that? It doesn't have to be his feelings… for… for me, does it?"
Willow shook her head frantically. Either Buffy didn't want to understand or she was too afraid of what all this could mean. The redhead opted for the latter. She took a deep breath and tried to explain calmly:
"Buffy, I know this is hard to understand, but you have to believe me. Tara knows a lot about these things and she's sure that the deepest emotions Spike is holding are pure and good. They can't be evil. The colors reveal everything and red and white always stand for love and devotion and pure goodness. There's nothing evil in them. Spike's feelings for you; his love, his loyalty and, well, the goodness that's still inside… all that is still there and somehow it has become so powerful and strong that it outstands everything else. I know that he's still a vampire but, Buffy, he can be good." Willow looked closely at her friend and repeated:.
"He can be good and he doesn't need a soul for that."
Buffy was stunned beyond words. Her mind was reeling.
"You mean he can be good without a soul?"
"Yes Buffy," Willow smiled, "all Spike needs to be good is… you!"
Later that night, when she had finished a quick round of patrol (with dusting only three vamps which hadn't taken the edge of her nervousness), Buffy was sitting on the back porch thinking about everything Willow had told her earlier.
She wasn't sure she'd gotten the hang of it but the parts Buffy had indeed understood were big enough to occupy her mind completely.
So Spike's aura had changed since they had started to grow closer over the last couple of days. Okay, not such big a deal, was it?
"No, I guess it is a big deal after all! His aura, well... he has changed for the better." Buffy whispered to herself and sighed again. She didn't know how many times she'd done this tonight but she supposed if someone would call her 'Buffy Sigh Summers' it wouldn't be exaggerated.
The girl was still trying to come to terms with the lack of Willow-freakage over the news of her and Spike with the kissing and stuff. She'd thought for sure her friends would be disgusted when they learned about her having feelings for the evil undead all of a sudden.
But instead of loathing and disgust she'd received words of comfort and understanding from Willow. In fact the witch had kind of encouraged her to accept her feelings for Spike. If Buffy had gotten Willow right her feelings for Spike were even seen as a good thing.
"And that's what's freaking me out the most." Buffy mumbled.
"What was that, pet?" a familiar voice suddenly came from the left.
Buffy looked up startled. Spike was standing at the corner of the house; duster in place and a cigarette dangling from his lips. He looked as cocky and self-secure as always but when he approached Buffy was able to spot an anxious glint in his eyes that betrayed his confident appearance.
He seemed to be as confused and insecure as she was feeling.
Spike stopped directly in front of Buffy and cocked his head slightly to the side. A small cloud of smoke left his mouth along with his quiet words:
"Out here all alone to think, luv?"
Buffy nodded mutely and looked to the ground. Only after he'd lowered himself to sit down beside her on the steps, close but not close enough to touch her, Buffy lifted her head and looked straight into his blue eyes.
And suddenly her nervousness vanished and what was left inside of her was nothing but determination to make things right. She opened her mouth to say something but Spike beat her to it.
"I don't suppose it was me you were thinking about, was it?" Spike looked at the girl next to him with as much anticipation as he dared himself to feel and as much confidence as he could muster. Which wasn't much at all.
Would do no good to get his hopes up now, would it? The kiss earlier had been nothing but a glitch. Buffy had said so herself; it had been nothing. And Spike knew the slayer would never in her life get over the fact that he was an evil soulless monster. She would never allow herself to look for the man hidden inside.
Therefore Spike was quite rattled when Buffy's gaze met his with what he could only describe as happiness. 'Happy to see me?' he wondered, 'Can't be now, can it?'
"As a matter of fact I was," she smiled slightly.
"Huh?" Spike couldn't remember what she was referring to; he was too caught up by the spark that emanated Buffy's green eyes and seemed to enlighten her features completely. She was radiating joy.
"I was thinking about you." Buffy clarified.
'Effulgent!' was all Spike could think. ' Like sunshine being reflected a thousand times in waves of the greenest of oceans.' After a brief pause he added cursing: 'Oh, bloody hell, she makes me want to write poetry again!' That idea now freaked him out terribly.
When Buffy waited in vain for Spike to react to her words she took a deep breath and started talking in a soft and quiet tune:
"I was talking to Willow earlier about you… about us." She blushed slightly.
Now that got Spike's attention. She'd said 'us'.
"Us?" he repeated stunned, "You think there's an 'us' now?" Spike waited for the lightning to strike; for an annoyed, mocked or even teased reply to his forward presumption.
He was still waiting for it when he felt Buffy putting her small warm hand into his and squeezing it gently.
"Let's try to be an 'us' together, okay?" Buffy asked with a warm smile.
Spike didn't answer but tried to hide the huge smile that threatened to crack his face when he leaned over to pull his girl into a soft kiss.
Neither of them noticed the smiling couple looking at them through the kitchen window. Willow and Tara stood there, hands linked, staring at the aura of the kissing pair. No more blurry dark shades, no more veils. Enormous red and white sparks flew everywhere; tangling together and brightening the night sky a thousand times. It was like watching the biggest fireworks ever. It was beautiful.
Wow, it's really done.
So, what do you say? Did you like it? Please let me know! I'm CRAVING for feedback.