Disclaimer: I own nothing…

Summary: Set sometime after "Chosen". Buffy's POV. Explores the feelings she has for Spike and how she feels about his reaction to her confession.

Rating: G

Author's Notes: Okay, so this one's probably crap. I can't even remember what I wrote. I had some free time tonight, I was listening to Yellow card's "View From Heaven", and I just started typing… This is what came out. I literally finished it all of two minutes ago. Hopefully, it's not too bad, 'cause I don't plan on revising anytime in the near future, 'cause I just don't have much time on my hands anymore… Also, I know I've been gone forever, but I will be updating 'Concrete Angel' and "Still Holding On"… Eventually… Sorry about the delay. I've been busy with college.

Distribution: If you want it, take it, just give me credit… And, if you could, let me know where it's going.


Eternity:


I never got say goodbye… Not really…

Instead, I told you I loved you. I know it was unfair. Waiting like that. Telling you while you were giving your life for the world…

But it wasn't just some grand, valiant gesture meant to make it all better because you were sacrificing yourself. It was truth. I have never meant anything more in my life…

My timing was so wrong, I know, but when else was I going to tell you? Before I had believed we would have all the time in the world. You were immortal. You weren't supposed to die on me. You were supposed to be the one holding my hand when I passed. And I always envisioned this dramatic, meaningful scene, where I would tell you, and we'd kiss for the last time, and then I'd take my final breath and leave this earth, because then everything would be okay. We would both be complete…

But it didn't happen that way. Instead, I had to lose you… And I couldn't let you die not knowing… I couldn't let you go like that. You deserved to know…

But then, you never really did, did you?

Faith says you knew. Says you only pretended not to because you knew it was the only way you could save me…

Willow says the same. Except, she thinks it was so you'd be able to go through with the whole thing. Says if you'd let yourself accept it, you would've been at my side in an instant.

Dawn thinks it was this huge, romantic gesture. She believes you said it so I would be able to move on with my life. Not dwell in the past thinking of what might have been. Right, because I've moved on so successfully…

Xander just thinks you're an asshole… Says you shouldn't have done that to me, because at least you got to hear it before I lost you… He says I deserved to hear I love you back. He would give anything to have that chance with Anya, and he thinks you're an idiot because you had the chance and didn't take it…

But I don't think any of them know what they're talking about… They don't know what we went through. Don't understand the depth of the relationship we had… Most of the time, it was screwed up, I know, but then there were those moments… The moments when everyone could see your confidence in us… And the ones when only I got to see it. The complete trust you had in me, and the trust you had in yourself as long as I was at your side…

You knew. In those moments you knew…

But most of the time you didn't… Especially when I tried to say it. Even though I never was particularly gifted in terms of verbally expressing my emotions… But when I tried to tell you how much you meant to me, you'd either get quiet, or dismissive, or defensive.

So, when I told you, you didn't believe it. You didn't believe it, because it was then that you were vulnerable. Only when I actually said it did you doubt us. Because it was only then that you were vulnerable… When we didn't talk about it. When we simply let it be; it was then that doubt was not an option… But when the words were there, it left you open. It meant that, if you accepted it as truth, you could be left heartbroken… Again. It meant that you would completely give yourself away to, and I could hurt you just as badly as I had before. I could drive you to extremes that weren't you… I could make you a monster….

I know how difficult our past was. I was there. I lived it. I saw the pain. I felt it… Everything that happened between happened to both of us, but it was mostly my own doing. I can't condone some of the things you did, but I can understand them. But my actions were far worse….

I destroyed you. Ripped you apart when all you wanted was to love me, help me… Make me whole… But I refused to accept it. Not because you were a vampire and I was a Slayer… That meant nothing to me… Or maybe it made me love you more… I couldn't accept your love because I was terrified… In my heart, I knew you would never leave me. Not intentionally. Not like the others. I knew you would only leave to protect me… But I've never had that kind of love before. Never been that cherished. All of the men in my life have left me. Even my own father decided he didn't want me anymore… So I couldn't accept it…

I was terrified.

And so I waited for the last possible moment. The moment before your death; and I expected you to simply accept it... I waited too long. It was too late to show you. To prove to you… To make you believe…

I know you probably can't hear me when I say this, but I do love you.

I love you and I'll spend the rest of eternity trying to make you believe.