WOOHOO. Here's my little parody of some rather typical Sess-Kag fics. This has probably been done before, but I want to make my own little contribution. Don't get me wrong, I love Sess-Kag fics, but sometimes they badly need to have fun poked at them.
So now, let's go poke some fun. . Oh, and ALL A/N's WITHIN THE FANFIC ITSELF ARE NOT ACTUAL A/N's.
Sesshie knew that it was time. He could feel it in the wind, he could feel it in the woods, and he could feel it in the earth. He could even feel it in his hair.
It was time to go beat up Inuyasha.
Sesshie equipped his weapons, threw his customary feather boa over his shoulder, checked his reflection in the mirror to make sure that he had the right amount of flair, and left.
While riding on Ah-Un, (why, he had to ask himself, had he named the damn thing Ah-Un? It sounded so… prehistoric. Like a combination between a grunt and a sneeze) he regarded the lands below him. They were perfect.
Except for the humans. God. If only they had never evolved. It had been so much easier dealing with them when they still lived in trees and thought that flinging excrement was one of the finer points of life.
Snorting in disgust, a mysteriously intriguing scent soon reached his nostrils. It took him about two seconds before he recognized it as the smell of his brother's human wench. Or was it bitch? Ah, well. Not important.
It just wasn't fair. Why should she get to smell that good? Sesshie struggled to smell half that good. He had to spend hours toiling away in the bathhouse. Toiling. Literally toiling. He shook his head sadly to himself. It just wasn't right.
He decided to follow the scent. After all, she was usually with his brother. This could turn out rather well. He was going to get to watch his brother suffer and discreetly try to figure out her hygienic secrets.
Sesshie got closer… and closer… and closer. Soon he was so close that even Kagome could hear his theme music.
As she turned her face towards the sky, he realized what had been nagging at him as he flew towards her on Ah-Un. (Again, why Ah-Un? Was it possible that he could have forgotten his consonants on that fateful day?) She was crying. Tears were gliding down her face. (A/N: yah so I no that's sorta repetititive or something but I just wanted to add it inn for artistic affect, ya know… im trying develop a writing style groove here…)
Her face was beautiful. In that one, fateful moment, Sesshie felt all of his previous characterization and personality nuances slide away to go bite some poor fan girl on the ass. He was Dangerously In Love.
'Sesshie,' he said to himself, 'it's time for a new you. ' It became clear to Sesshie that he needed to become the quintessential sexy, mysterious, violent, possessive, yet ultimately caring and gentle man.
This would be hard. But he knew, in his heart of hearts, that he could do it. He could go OOC for Kagome. Plus, he'd started to realize that no one really wants to read about an emotionally repressed, haughty character who spends most of his time striding around in silk pants and, on special occasions, speaking monosyllabically anyways.
Slipping gracefully of Ah-Un, (Why? Why Ah-Un? He needed that question answered, and soon) he strode towards the weeping wench. She was merely staring at her, but there was no fear in her expression.
Instead, there was a look of great and terrible loss. Sesshie had no trouble recognizing it—he had seen it in his own eyes only yesterday, when he looked in the mirror to discover that he was sadly lacking in flair. He had dealt with that issue swiftly, but the pain of that moment still clung to him.
Reaching down with a clawed hand, Sesshie reached down to stroke Kagome's cheek. "Why are you crying, wench?"
When she didn't respond, he gathered that he hadn't addressed her properly, so he tried again. "Why are you crying, bitch?"
The wench in question glared at him before lifting her hand to slap him flatly on the face. "My name is not wench, nor is it bitch. It is Kagome. Ka-go-me." Her eyes again filled with tears, as she relived another similar experience with a different dog demon.
Deciding to completely ignore her emotional distress, he gripped her arm and pulled her to him. Her soft body collided with his, and she made a small sound of surprise.
Ah-hah! This was more like it! Now that he had initiated some physical contact, he felt more than ready to deal with whatever emotional distress Kagome decided to throw at him.
"Kagome… such a beautiful name," he mused aloud, pointedly ignoring the struggling girl in his arms. (God, it was so much better than Ah-Uh. It wasn't lacking in constants at all.)
"Let—Me—Urmph—Go!" she managed to get out while squirming in his embrace. Pleasant sensations swept through his body at her every moment. Sesshie smirked. So there were benefits to being a sexy, mysterious, violent, possessive and yet gentle and caring love interest after all!
After silently thanking the heavens that no matter what fanfic you read, the surprised maiden in the villain/hero's embrace will always try to squirm out of it at least once, he replied in a low and husky manner,
"Kagome, I will never let you go." And with that final statement, he quickly flew off to his castle with her in his arms. He had a lot of wooing to do, and Sesshie was a very serious Wooer.
Reviews are nice (yes, even three-word reviews like "I liked it" or "This really sucks," though I have to admit I'd rather get the former), but I won't demand them. Oh, and I do not own the title of the song by Destiny's Child, "Dangerously in Love," which is rather obsoletely referenced in here to my everlasting shame.