AN: hola readers who have never heard of me and readers who are upset I'm starting a new j/l ficlet without finishing bc (yet!). this is just to say that this:
… means change in pov, which will either be James or Narrator; and that this fic is going to be smutty. Smutty I say! Because this is a male teenager's journal and I wouldn't want that to be out of character. Please keep in mind that this is under humor as well. It is not meant to be a serious fic so don't read it that way otherwise it will vastly affect your enjoyment. This should be about 2-4 chapters long.
Some people have yet to grasp the fact –even after seven years of exposure mind you—that what I say and what I mean are completely different things. For example:
I am James Harold Potter III, a very wealthy and promising young wizard of the age.
(Read: My name is James.)
I hate Lily Evans.
(Read: I love Lily Evans.)
Lily Evans is an unattractive, haughty, stubborn, malicious, stuck-up prudish bore who is so far beyond my contempt that I can only look at her in pity from a state of grace.
(Read: And I'm not very good at hiding it.)
For some reason, the dense cow (brilliant and painfully attractive mirage of my longing) does not grasp this simple concept. Alas, there could not be a man alive who could look at the stunning picture of deplorable human waste she makes and see fit to call her his wife (I hope anyway, so at least I'll have a sporting chance at it).
In all fairness, perhaps there does lie some ineptness in my failure to explain to her that what I decide upon saying in my mind and what is actually released from my lips are two very separate things. It is not my fault my mouth has a mind of its own. It is a curse really, but a cross I faithfully bare. (I really, really, really wish she would just smile at me like she does when she gets a charm right for the first time. I'd die happy if she did.)
And thus, this journal is born. To tell the whole truth about why my relationship with the shrew (deepest desire of my heart) is much more tumultuous than would otherwise be necessary.September 21
What I was thinking (T): That was incredible Lily. Your wand work in Transfiguration has been masterful since you've been taking those extra lessons to improve your technique.
What I said (S): Hey Evans, not bad. You were the second person after me to manage that spell. That Ravenclaw wanker you were taking extra lessons with owes me ten galleons: I knew you were good at more than just broom-cupboard action.
What Lily replied with (L) in a deadly calm voice: That's funny Potter, I don't recall hearing any boasts about you other than your detention record. Tell me, does it make you feel good about yourself pretending everyone is the dirt beneath your feet? Or does it just make you a lonely insecure twat?
Why must she be so vindictively cruel? I wonder if she meant it when she said that was the only thing she heard when people were talking about me. I wish she heard that I was smart and funny and handsome instead. I wish she believed it. I wish Lily Evans, for just one second could look at me and feel as deeply and passionately the desire I feel for her. Maybe then she'd look back when she walks away to make sure I'm watching her go and silently begging her to stop.
In my best defense, at least my lips don't feel the need to undermined my thoughts the rest of the time with anyone else, and thus I have become generally congenial, or at the very least cordial with everyone I know (unless provoked by slimy gits), but I think it's hard for Lily to see this.September 31
Dreamt of Lily again last night. The dreams are getting worse, and my inability to control them is manifesting itself in my particularly nasty verbal exchanges with Lily. Most boys my age don't have dreams like this. They don't wake up in the middle of the night, hard as a rock, gripping their headboard tight with their hands and trying to think about anything other than what it would feel like to go down on a girl.
Sirius dreams about girls going down on him and other forms of submission by the opposite sex. I know because he tells us loudly in the morning about the great dreams he had. We all listen, pretending to be disgusted, but of course intensely interested as we have no idea what to do with a girl and all of our knowledge comes directly from these loud admissions. Not that he's ever actually done anything like this. He found several books when he was a kid in his family library, and after getting past the fact that his parents had probably read them as well, he memorized every word.
It wouldn't be so hard if she wasn't so beautiful and if she didn't call out my name like she needed me. Those are the hardest parts to forget.October 3
Did my first official rounds tonight. The others don't count as I used the opportunity to sit at the end of the dungeon hall where the Slytherin common room is located and do homework I was behind on. Tonight counted because I actually did the rounds. I was very diligent and fair too. And not just because Lily Evans was with me in circuit and it was an excuse to show off how diligent and fair I can be. Though it was a plus.
I mostly tried not to open my mouth too much. It worked rather well. I asked her questions about her summer, about classes, about her future plans, anything to keep her talking so I wouldn't screw it up. I was glad she didn't try to turn the questions back at me. It isn't because she's impolite (Lily says 'bless you' when Slytherins sneeze); it was because she was too shocked that I genuinely cared.
Okay, so the conversation was rather boring, but it was like getting lectured about a topic you have a degree in. She's wanted to be an Auror since she first read about them in fifth year during our career planning sessions. She loves being at home now that her evil sister is married off to some bland life. She hates History and loves Charms.
This stuff was remedial as far as my vast knowledge was concerned, but I think she would have found it rather odd if I asked her if she got to move into Petunia's old room as it was bigger and overlooking the flowers Lily cared for during holiday now that she was gone. She definitely would have hexed me if I asked the question that had been plaguing me all summer which was whether or not she's sensitive behind her knees.
When she said 'good night' she did it with the quirky little smile on her face. It's the one she gets when she tries new food, expecting to hate it, and being quite surprised by how much she enjoyed it.
If only my mouth hadn't opened. If only I hadn't ruined everything. If only I had asked the question about the backs of her knees instead. I had thought 'good night, Lily. Thanks for keeping me company. I had a nice time talking with you. If you wouldn't mind, maybe we can do it again during the next patrol. I'd love to talk to you more about your plans for Aurorship as I'm interested in the field as well and I'd love to hear your thoughts on the new policies implemented this year about wizard-muggle relations.'
And because that sounds relatively nice, what came out of my mouth was anything but. I think it ran along the lines of: 'Finally! That was worse than Binns. At least I know I'll get some sleep tonight – I've never been so bored in my life! If only they had given the Head Girl position to someone who deserved it, maybe these patrol duties wouldn't be such a burden!'
I am the biggest prat in the entire world and I would highly doubt if Lily Evans ever speaks to me again.October 4
She wouldn't look at me once. It was incredible. Not even in my general direction. Simultaneously, all of her friends tried to telepathically send threats of torture and though normally I think it's a load of rubbish I'm rather sure I'm a converted believer. I could practically feel the manner in which they wanted to castrate me before tattooing 'I am a horrible dirty wanker' in large black letters all over my body.
I wish there was some way I could take back every horrible thing I've ever said to her. Without causing serious brain trauma from the memory charm. Not that I've thought about it. Extensively anyway.
There's just something about her. I look at her, and then…I don't know. She's so perfect and I know I'll never be good enough, no matter how smart or athletic or charming, and then I think, I'd rather she hate me because she thinks I'm a prat, than have her look at me and really see who I am, and still decide to hate me. It's okay if she hates me this way, because at least this way, I can tell myself that she doesn't know who I really am. I'm rambling. Because I'm an idiot. Who'd give anything if she'd just look at me again.October 5
Still didn't look at me.October 6
Sirius said she accidentally glanced in my direction in transfiguration when she mastered the spell, but I think he's lying to make me feel better. Her technique was incredible. Her tiny wrists are so fluid and graceful. The way she holds her wand, it's like an extension of her arm. I hate that Ravenclaw wanker who gives her lessons. She doesn't needs lessons. She just needs someone to give her confidence about what she's doing so she doesn't over think things.October 7
Still nothing. Other than a daydream in Binns' class which involved Lily, the Head's bathroom, and lots of bubbles.October 9
Could no longer stand it. Lit off a Zonko's wet-start firework in that wanker Ravenclaw's cauldron in Potions when no one was looking. The engorging potion made his nose grow to the size of Italy. (Personally I thought it was an improvement.) I cleaned up the mess and fixed his face (with much inner struggle), earning twenty house points for my helpful behavior towards a student in another house. Others should take after my example.
I turned to watch her face as the professor gave her small lecture and the Wanker shook my hand in thanks. She glared darkly, rose her nose in the air, and turned huffily away. I smiled. At least she was looking at me again.October 14
Full moons seem to be the only thing that gets Lily off my mind completely. Three nights and sometimes days too of total freedom to just be myself with my brothers, away from the world.
I will admit that things have been more…domesticated, for lack of a better word, since the incident at the end of sixth year. We definitely have given up our brawls with the beasties in the forest and we no longer feel the need to explore dark caves and groves. Though reading this back, it sounds immature, these little excursions have led to some of my favorite memories, not to mention some of our best discoveries, like the little amulet I want to give to Lily one day, though not for the vindictive purposes I once did. I—
"Prongs come on! You can finish writing in your little Evans diary later!" Sirius called.
"Oi! We've been over this Sirius! It's a journal and it's not about Evans! I do have other things going on in my life than just her!"
"Well than act like it and let's go! Moony will be transforming soon and I want to be with him when he does!"
"Alright! I'm coming!" James stashed his book away before grabbing his Invisibility Cloak and racing to meet up with Sirius and Peter.