Author's Note: Oh my God! The Queen of Angst is back! It has been so long since I wrote a Gravitation fanfic. Really, it has been years! But I was in an angsty mood, and listening to depressing Chopin music, so I decided to do this little piece. I am also currently suffering severe Writer's Block, so I am quite glad I was able to conjure up this thing. ((smiles)) Anyways, read and review, onegai!
Disclaimer: I don't own Gravitation. It belongs to Murakami-sensei, who is even more of a pervert than I am.
Synopsis: After being in a relationship for five years, Shuichi is finally feeling the strain of it all, and he's beginning to doubt everything. And he comes to realize that Yuki will never truly be his. He'd always have to share him with a certain ghost from the past.
Dedication: For Tsubasa-senpai and Luke-san's five-year anniversary on March 7. Banzai! XD Yeah, I wrote an angst piece for your anniversary nee-chan. But not like you and Luke-san are ever going to break up.
By Jia Zhang
He will never truly be mine, will he?
No…that is just a fantasy of mine. Yuki Eiri will never belong to me, no matter how long I have been with him.
It seemed so long ago that I first met him—that fateful day when the wind caught my words and they drifted to him. With just a few sentences, he captured me into an unknown rapture. Was it love at first site? I'm not sure. All I know is, I have come to love him more than anyone could possibly love someone. Oh, but how ironic is it…the first words he ever says to me is an insult. I laugh sometimes when I think about that.
But anyways, it doesn't matter how it happened. It happened, that's all. I met Yuki Eiri and I fell madly in love with him. With all of him, every part. I love all of Yuki. All of him. We've been through so much together—through thick and thin—tabloids, fights, the media, our families. Everything. But in the end, aren't I just the driving force behind it all, stubbornly refusing to let go?
After all, that is how I first entered into his life. I forced my way in. That is how it always is between the two of us.
Everything in our relationship, I have to push, and nudge, and whine—to do everything I can to cause some reaction, because if I don't, I wouldn't get any at all. I pushed my way into his life—I was the one that packed my things and moved in with him. I pushed my way to know his past—it was because of me, because of my nagging and asking and curiousity that he told me about Kitazawa-san. It was always me. (1)
In order to create anything, to move anything, a forward motion of such, it always had to be me. It always was me. He never did anything, did he?
Tomorrow will be our five-year anniversary. Five years now. So much has happened in that time span. I have changed, and Yuki has changed, and everyone around us changed. Bad Luck disbanded, and I went on to work for Seguchi-san at NG. Hiroshi is a really popular producer now, and is currently working with an up and coming J-pop artist. Fujisaki went to a music school in America (it was called Ju-ri-a-do or something). (2) I still see K and Sakano-san often; they're both working for NG too, though K spends a lot of time in America. Seguchi-san and Mika-san had a daughter a few years ago, and she, Shizuka, would be turning 3 soon. And Ryuichi-san…I see him a lot too. I wrote a lot of songs with him.
Life has progressed to this point, where everything was simple, and euphoric. It was peaceful, it was bliss, and I, as a person, have evolved to this point where I am no longer the child I once was. I am 24 years old…who's been through so much. I'm not the person I once was, and that makes me sad sometimes…because…because of this time, I have come to realize many things.
1) I can't cook. Ever.
2) I want to have a family sometime soon.
and 3) Yuki Eiri will never, ever, really belong to me.
It's sad, isn't it? They say that, after all, age brings wisdom. And if this was wisdom, I wish I stayed the stupid idiot that Yuki always called me.
He always called me that. Baka. He spoke it so often that it became almost like a nickname. I answered to it, and became it. Isn't that just so pathetic, that I'd answer to that? I really am an idiot. For so long I have cling, and cling tightly onto Yuki. I was the catalyst for everything that has happened. After all, if it weren't for my stubbornness and hard headedness, our relationship would be as dead as the Dead Sea. Hn.
For…after all, how can I possibly be with someone I have to share?
That's right…I have to share him. Share my lover. My beloved. Because he will never ever be mine. And he will never, ever, truly love me, because always in his heart will be Kitazawa-san.
He will always remain in his heart, no matter who came along or disappeared. Whether I left today, or tomorrow, or five years ago, it wouldn't matter. Yuki would get over that, and anything else, but never Kitazawa.
Never ever Kitazawa.
He is a constant factor in our relationship. Long ago, when this all started, I never really noticed that I was sharing Yuki. In spite of everything, I was the one he called lover, I was the one he kissed, and I was the one he made love to. Not Kitazawa, no one. But that feels like so long ago, for this is one of the things I have come to understand…Yuki will always love Kitazawa-san more than me.
In the end, everything in Yuki's life revolves around Kitazawa-san—his books, his thoughts, his past, his present, and his future. It all centered on Kitazawa. He was like the Sun, and Yuki was the Earth, and I was the Moon.
It was all a concept of gravity…Love was gravity, it pulled you down, and you could never escape.
Ah, but that's how it was. Kitazawa-san was the center of Yuki's world. He meant everything to Yuki. He looked up to him, adored him, and aspired to be like him. But it all came shattering into pieces of rose coloured glass. That time, Kitazawa broke Yuki into pieces till he was unfixable—till Yuki was a mere shadow of the person he once was.
I would never forgive Kitazawa-san for that. I don't know why Yuki does, forgive him that is.
And me…I don't understand why I am in love with a man who will never truly love me.
For the last five years, I have always been unconsciously in competition with Kitazawa in everything I did. I know Yuki never spoke of it, and I never thought of it till only a few years ago…but it existed. I was a replacement, a comfortable replacement—someone Yuki was comfortable with to take Kitazawa's place. It was because of that that I was allowed to stay by his side.
And I hate him for it. I hate Kitazawa for doing what he did to Yuki. I hate Kitazawa because Yuki will always love him more. And I hate Kitazawa because I just don't understand why…why Yuki loves him so much.
I love him. I love him more than anything in the universe, more than my life. But none of this matters to him. None.
I am just the thing he has come to be comfortable with.
Our relationship is a failure—a shame. And sometimes, I feel so absolutely hopeless about it all. But I cling, and I stay with him because I am just so stubborn and I love him so much. I adore him, just like he adored Kitazawa.
And sometimes…sometimes…I hate Yuki for it. I hate Yuki because I love him. And I hate Yuki for not loving me.
If Kitazawa were alive today, it was not take Yuki a minute to forget about me and move on, and to be with the one he really loved, deep, deep in a place that I will never be able to reach, or barely ever see. I know that if God were cruel enough, tomorrow I'd wake up and find Kitazawa alive, and I'd lose Yuki forever. I couldn't bare that…I just couldn't.
And that's why I hold on to him so desperately. I know that he will never love me. But I am an eternal optimist—so I hold on to him, hoping that some day, just some day, he may love me like I love him.
But until that day comes, and it never may, Yuki Eiri will never ever be mine.
End Note: Woot! Another record. ((smile)) It's 2 AM, and I haven't slept for over 12 hours now. And this fic was finished in around and hour. I made good time. And now, I shall got to sleep because I have WAY too much work tomorrow…er…today?
(1) Most of the time Shuichi refers to Kitazawa with a "-san" suffix, showing his submissiveness towards Yuki's relationship with Kitazawa.
(2) Ju-ri-a-do is Shuichi's attempt at pronouncing Julliard.
Domo for reading! Sankyuu!
© March, 2005 by Jia Zhang. All rights reserved.