Disclaimer: Ah, Naruto, not mine.
Author Notes: The best way to relieve stress is to write crack.
By: Hana J.
Itachi was going on ninety-eight. Sasuke should have been able to kill him. Unfortunately, despite the fact that Itachi could barely hold a kunai without his hand shaking, he had developed arthritis after disjointing his fingers too many times when using jutsu, Sasuke still couldn't touch him. Well, he could touch him, once he even broke his arm but for some reason he still couldn't kill him, which, by the way, was what really mattered.
So, instead, Sasuke settled for glaring at his brother who was sitting in a booth across the room, slurping ramen from a straw. A straw! It was disgusting and proof of how much Itachi had withered away over the years. Sasuke took vindictive pleasure that Itachi had inherited their Father's genes, or at least what Sasuke assumed was their Father's genes since Itachi had killed him before they could ever be sure, and was now bald. Not a single dark hair on that bare skull. He smiled inwardly, pulling out a kunai from his back pocket and throwing it at his brother who, at that moment, bent down to pick up his fallen napkin. Sasuke cursed, at least he wasn't bald! His own hair was peppered with gray but still thick and unruly on his head.
Finally, after a sufficient amount of hours had passed and Itachi had finished his noodles and Sasuke had thrown all of his kunai, they both left the small bar and went home. Their apartments were across from each other, mainly because it was good access for Sasuke to attempt, repeatedly, to kill Itachi and also because they were both missing-nin, despite the fact that they were too frail to actually kill anyone.
Their neighbors always complained of shouting, which was more or less Sasuke's fault. Also, if you watched their doorways for too long sometimes Itachi's doorway would swing open and you could hear a voice calling for his "little foolish brother to get his walker". Normally, the opposite door would bang open and a kunai would whiz by and through the open doorway, towards the voice.
The next morning Sasuke woke up, annoyed that Itachi's daily statements of "foolish little brothers" and "dango is best" didn't wake him up as usual. He hobbled over to Itachi's room, opening the door quietly and trying to sneak in. This was his chance, Itachi had finally slept in and now Sasuke could slit his throat! He shuffled into Itachi's room, hovering over the quiet form of his sleeping brother, kunai poised. He stopped and stared.
"Goddammit Itachi! I was supposed to kill you! I'm an avenger you bastard! I can't kill you if you're already dead!" Sasuke howled.
Itachi had died in his sleep.