PHILIPPE: An Owner's Guide and Instruction Manual

Disclaimer: Philippe de Chagny isn't mine. (wah!) However, I do own a Philippe plushie given by Bubonic Woodchuck (thanks:grin:) and about twenty PHILIPPE prototypes. I also own all the ERIK prototypes, which number well into the hundreds. As you can imagine, my house is pretty full. My family isn't too happy about that.

Disclaimer #2: Theresa Green's magnificent ARAGORN guide (and Lalaithien's equally magnificent FARAMIR guide) inspired me to write the ERIK guide. Theresa Green has given me permission to imitate her series for a couple of these for the POTO section, and to borrow the format as well. Thank you, Theresa Green!

I also have to poke the reviewers for wanting me to write more of these. And I have to thank each and every one of you for reviewing the ERIK guide. That was the most reviews I've ever gotten for one chapter of anything. O.O I'd attempt to do review replies, but that would be a lot. So much I'm not even gonna try. So . . . :bows: Thank you all!

Note #1: If I'm not mistaken, Philippe is barely mentioned in Phantom. Erik says something about Raoul sitting in his brother's box. One little sentence! Why does our Philippe get left out of everything? Everyone, go join The Phantom Parisienne's SOAP group and Bubonic's C2 group! Let's petition for Philippe to get the recognition he so rightly deserves!

Note #2: I know that this one's nowhere near as funny as the Erik one; Philippe's so much more mild mannered and therefore harder to come up with problems for. :sigh:

Note #3: Bubonic Woodchuck, The Phantom Parisienne, Tam Lynne, and Raikune, hope you all don't mind your cameos in this. Hey, you get to own your own editions of Philippe! ;D

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CONGRATULATIONS

You are now the proud owner of a PHILIPPE! In order to obtain top performance from your de Chagny, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use your Comte to his full potential.

Your PHILIPPE should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all his accessories (see specially chosen list below) and that you have been issued with the edition of PHILIPPE that you ordered, as there are quite a few:

(a) Edition I PHILIPPE (copyright Leroux, 1911)

(b) Edition II PHILIPPE (copyright MetaChi, Bubonic Woodchuck, and The Phantom Parisienne, 2003 — End of Time)

Note: These three . . . designers may have different ideas concerning their PHILIPPE's body and personality, so to avoid any potential problems we have created Edition II PHILIPPE with modifications suiting each Authoress's vision of him. The only reason they're not classified in their own categories is because they all seem to agree that he looks like Viggo Mortensen.

(d) Edition III PHILIPPE (copyright Tam Lynne, 2003 — End of Time)

(e) Edition IV PHILIPPE (copyright Raikune, 2004 — End of Time)

TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS

Name: Philippe de Chagny (AKA Philippe-Georges-Marie de Chagny, Opera Patron, Count de Chagny, Comte de Chagny, Raoul's big brother, Raoul's nearly nonexistant brother, Pumpkin (though that name is only used by La Sorelli), and OMG He Looks Like Viggo Mortensen!

Type: Human (male, very, very good looking male)

Manufacturers: Comte Philibert and Comtess de Chagny

Date of Manufacture: 1840?

Description:

Edition I PHILIPPE: Great nobleman, tall, very cute, cold (blue?) eyes

Edition II PHILIPPE: Looks just like Viggo Mortensen and, depending on whose of the three copyrightors you want him based on, can choose between Viggo's Aragorn or Viggo's Frank T. Hopkins.

Edition III and IV PHILIPPE: Contact Tam Lynne or Raikune (by reading their fanfics and reviewing) for a description.

ACCESSORIES

Your PHILIPPE unit, regardless of the edition, will be shipped fully clad to you in a large protective crate. He will be wearing a regular evening suit and spiffy black shoes.

In one of his pockets (you'll have to search him), he will have a small case filled with vintage things needed for the cleaning of a 18th century nobleman. Whatever might not be there, we're sure you have sitting in your bathroom.

Your PHILIPPE unit will arrive to you in his factory condition of travel-stained. It is recommended that you immediately remove his clothing and put him into a hot soapy bubble bath. This will keep his moving parts in pristine condition and fully functional.

CAUTION Married/committed PHILIPPE owners must ensure that their spouses are otherwise engaged in gardening/car maintenance/crocodile-hunting etc. before carrying out this procedure. The company is not held responsible for divorce costs, alimony payments, or hospital fees due to careless execution of this procedure in the company of jealous housemates.

OPERATING PROCEDURE

Your PHILIPPE has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. He will most likely still treat women with refined courtesy and be a little haughty with men, however, because this was clearly stated in Leroux's book and Leroux's book is Law. His controls are voice activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English or French. PHILIPPE traditionally only knows French, but has been programmed with English for user convenience.

You might have your own ideas about the services that you would like your PHILIPPE to provide and the location in which such procedures should be carried out, which will not be mentioned here as young children could get a hold of this packet. He can also be utilized in several capacities about the house:

Accountant:

As PHILIPPE owns a large estate, he's well versed in the language of math and taxes. This is important to those who think math and taxes are evil.

Boating:

PHILIPPE comes from a grand line of admirals/sailors/other seafaring people. As such, being out at sea (or on a lake for a picnic) should be no problem for him. However, under no circumstances should he be allowed near a large body of water if ERIK or the SIREN is around, for they may attempt to drown him if they don't realize who he is in time.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

PHILIPPE is compatible with all other models, especially the RAOUL model and the LA SORELLI model. He also gets on well with the ERIK model, as they actually have a lot in common. PHILIPPE doesn't, however, get on well with the CHRISTINE model, as he's not an R/C fan. He will most likely run away in fear if he comes into contact with the SIREN model, due to the fact that the SIREN will chase after him and compliment him on his good looks.

PRECAUTIONS

Do not expose your PHILIPPE to fire, strong magnetic fields, electricity, excessive humidity, or bodies of water (including bathtubs) where a Siren supposedly dwells.

CLEANING

Unfortunately for you, he will want to take care of this all on his own. However, he will be rather unknowledgeable about how modern showers work, so you may choose to handle showing him this in whatever way you choose. We recommend that you lie and claim that you should be in the bathroom with him in order to 'make sure nothing goes wrong with the shower. Like it exploding. Which has happened.'

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: I also own a RAOUL and CHRISTINE, and PHILIPPE glowers at them whenever they walk by, holding hands and looking all lovey-dovey.

A: PHILIPPE, as stated earlier, is by no stretch of the imagination an R/C fan. He doesn't want his brother marrying CHRISTINE, because she isn't in the 'same class' as they are. You can attempt to change this by showing PHILIPPE around your house and neighborhood, showing him that middle class people are perfectly snazzy.

Q: ERIK and PHILIPPE, along with the SIREN, disappear into the basement for hours at a time, locking the door.

A: They're plotting against any RAOUL and CHRISTINE units that may be nearby and are together. Let them have their fun.

Note: Unless, of course, whoever owns RAOUL and CHRISTINE complains about this, then you should get a NADIR model to try to smooth things over.

Q: PHILIPPE and LA SORELLI have been hanging out together a lot. I'm jealous.

A: Sell LA SORELLI, then order a Memory Modification Chip to make PHILIPPE forget the dancer.

Q: I ordered the BALLET RATS box set so that ERIK could have some fun, but they all eye PHILIPPE hungrily when he walks past.

A: That would be because PHILIPPE is an Edition IV PHILIPPE, belonging to Raikune. The best thing to do would be to either lay down the law that PHILIPPE is yours, or buy LA SORELLI to scare them. But then, you'd lose PHILIPPE anyway, so that second option probably isn't the best way to go.

TROUBLESHOOTING

Problem: I recently caught ERIK trying to strangle PHILIPPE.

Solution: There are two ways to resolve this. First tell ERIK that's the SIREN's job, then be sure to never purchase a SIREN. Two, perhaps ERIK has somehow mistaken PHILIPPE for RAOUL. To correct this, you must show ERIK a RAOUL and explain the difference.

Problem: PHILIPPE has been wanting to see FARAMIR for some reason lately. Why?

Solution: Simple. You've ordered MetaChi's version of PHILIPPE, and he wishes to discuss the latest goings on with their bakery business. Let them chat. PHILIPPE will aquire some extra money. Whether or not he gets to keep it is up to you.

Problem: PHILIPPE has taken up residence in my den/office/dining room/basement/bedroom/garage and has turned it into an office, which he refuses to leave.

Solution: PHILIPPE has found work as an accountant because he has mostly likely been feeling guilt at having no money lately. This isn't really a problem; just tell him that he absolutely under no circumstances cannot spend all his time in there, that you demand he spend more time with you. With luck, he'll feel guilt at having ignored you and will do so. The balance between you and his new job should soon even out.

Problem: PHILIPPE has taken to donning a cape and fedora. What's going on?

Solution: Most likely he's been hanging out with Erik a little too much.

FINAL NOTE

PHILIPPE is guaranteed for at least forty years under normal usage, as long as any ERIK or SIREN models around don't attempt to kill him. Those owners who are already used to the 2,342,000 month extended warranties issued with LOTR Elven units may find this rather disappointing; console yourself with the knowledge that PHILIPPE won't need any hair care products, and will keep himself looking spiffy with a minimum of supplies.