A/N: I LIVE! Wow. Two weeks. I am sorry; school is kicking my butt. I know, excuses, excuses…

Disclaimer: Nope for FMA. And thanks to the Oxford American Desk Dictionary and Thesaurus for helping me keep Falman in character…

Warnings: Doesn't everyone know by now?


Monday
Dear Diary,

I was kind of glad when Major Armstrong showed up this morning. I mean, I realize Brother has to sleep, but it's kind of boring with nothing to do but watch him snore.

Still, I didn't want to have to deal with a cranky Edward all day, so I tried to stop Armstrong from waking him up. I really did, but the man just wouldn't be moved.

I told him it was impossible to pull Brother out of a deep sleep after a mission like the one we'd been on, but all he said was, "Never fear! I shall use the special wake-up-sleeping-like-a-log-adolescents technique that has been passed down the Armstrong line for generations!" He said he could personally attest to its effectiveness, but he hoped he wouldn't have to use some of the more advanced methods involving cold water and dead fish.

What?

Anyways, all he had to do was turn on the sparkles for a while and they got up Brother's nose so he sneezed and woke up.

Yeah, they got up through the slits in my helmet, too, and they're floating all around in my head. Too bad I can't sneeze. Not to mention some got stuck in my joints. He really needs to be more careful with those things; it's going to take me hours to get them all out.

Maybe I can convince Ed we need to go back to Auntie Pinako's and have Winry do it. It would be nice to see her, and she could get all those hard to reach places.

I really like it when Winry cleans my armor.

Funny how when I mentioned Pinako's place to Major Armstrong during our interview he got even sparklier, if that's at all humanly possible.

Somehow, I'm not sure the phrase "humanly possible" applies to the major.

But Major Armstrong's visit was otherwise very nice. He said he was instructed to check on the mental health of Eastern Headquarters at the Fuhrer's request. That was really considerate of him, I think.

Not that anything's really wrong with Brother, but if the Major can get him to stop being so obsessive over his height and quit projecting his anxiety onto his relationship with the Colonel, I think things would be better all around.

Major Armstrong says there's really nothing wrong with me mentally, but he wants me to keep a diary anyway because everyone else has to and they'd get all jealous if they found out I was the only healthy one.

Sigh. I have to go get Brother to write the mission report.

Just once, I'd like to be the younger brother for real.

Alphonse Elric

Tuesday
Dear Diary,

Was spending another tedious morning watching Brother make weird noises and hug the pillows in his dreams (and did I hear him call out the Colonel's name? No, surely not) when I was interrupted by a message from the Colonel. He said he had a "special mission" for me.

It seems to have escaped his notice that I'm not in his army.

But I went anyway because it would have been rude not to, and if he can help Brother out once in a while, I guess I can do him a favor or two. Plus, I was ready for just about anything to alleviate the boredom.

But the magnetizing thing was a little much.

I probably would have agreed to it if he'd just asked me. But no, the Colonel doesn't work that way.

He had Falman and Breda ambush me from behind the door.

Now, I probably could have handled myself if it was just Falman, even though he kicked my legs out from under me with no warning at all. I was about to retaliate when I realized it would be kind of bad for Brother and me if I harmed a member of the military.

Then I realized Brother outranks him.

So anyway, I had decided to fight back when Breda jumped on top of me and Falman grabbed my legs and the Colonel stepped on my left arm and it was all downhill from there. The ensuing scuffle made my chest plate fall off (dislodging some of the sparkles at least) and boy was Breda surprised to see the kitten go running across the room.

It was kind of funny how he screamed, "WHAT'S THAT?" and instead of pinning me to the floor in a chokehold switched to clinging to me like a baby and managed to kick the Colonel in the face in the process.

That was rather satisfying at the time.

Falman, of course, replied, "Feline; cat: small, soft-furred, four-legged domesticated animal…"

I didn't catch the rest of the definition since I realized at that moment that the Colonel had drawn some weird looking array on my armor. I was at a bad angle to see it, but I could tell it had something to do with polarization.

I quickly realized its purpose when his Alchemist's watch flew out of his pocket to hit me in the forehead. It didn't hurt but still…

Jeez, Master would kill me if she saw how much I sucked during this fight.

Momentarily disoriented by the attack and then the watch, I didn't even realize what was going on until Falman and the Colonel had rolled me halfway across the carpet (Breda had run off somewhere I guess). I found the sparkles that had so recently been knocked off replaced by pins.

What does the Colonel do when he's avoiding paperwork?

Fury came in to find the kitten right around then (I swear he can hear an animal in distress from a mile away) and told the Colonel that Brother was going to have his head if he didn't demagnetize me and apologize.

I would have shot the Colonel an angry glare in agreement, but, well, no facial expression and all.

The Colonel just smirked and did that laugh thingy where he puts his hands on his hips and throws back his head and you think he's kind of evil…

Then he told me to, "Go tell your Brother that there's more where this came from if he doesn't get that mission report in post-haste."

Of course, I told Brother no such thing. He was mad enough when I came back and caused all the metal things in the dorm (including him) to come flying my way. Although, that's not really my fault, I guess.

It's a good thing I'm a giant suit of armor or the place where his metal arm connected with my body might have been damaged beyond repair.

And then Winry would have unloaded all her wrenches in his direction.

And Second Lieutenant Havoc didn't even help when he came by the dorm to see what the heck was going on. And people keep giving Brother and me these weird looks.

Did I miss something?

Sometimes it's really hard to be me.

Alphonse Elric

Wednesday
Dear Diary,

I think Brother might be kind of into the Colonel.

First of all, his doodles on his mission report were all of the Colonel dying in various and gruesome ways. At least, I think they were of the Colonel. It's hard to capture the true likeness of a person with stick figures. But they were all surrounded by flames and had what looked like a manic smirk on their faces.

I realize that this implies hatred, but no one's that obsessed with another person unless there's something else going on.

And then he came back from his meeting about the mission report blushing and re-braiding his hair. When I asked him how his hair happened to come undone in what was supposed to be a pretty tame meeting, he just blushed even worse and mumbled something about "the bastard Colonel" and "physical harassment" and "strategy."

Then Maes of all people called and asked me all these leading questions about my experience with being magnetized yesterday.

Does anything happen that he doesn't know about?

I tried to tell him it was all the Colonel's fault, but he wouldn't listen and said that Elysia was very young and impressionable and he didn't want anything questionable going on around her.

What does that have to do with anything?

Then he asked me if I thought she was pretty, and I said, "Well, she's three years old…" and he started talking about buying enough chocolate to feed an army and somehow it was all gone and I don't think he was really listening.

I had kind of tuned him out and was daydreaming about Winry and that Valentine's Day when we were kids and I transmuted her a toolbox made of chocolate and she liked it a lot more than Brother's heart shaped, gooey thing, but I was pulled back into the conversation when Maes started talking again about yesterday and how he had thought that Brother was into Roy and what did we think we were doing while Havoc was watching anyway?

Sigh. No one listens to me.

But Maes thinks Brother is into the Colonel, too? Hm.

Alphonse Elric

Thursday
Dear Diary,

Am I the only one who's noticed that Envy's been sneaking around HQ lately?

The military's finest, eh?

I thought about telling the Colonel, but I'm kind of scared to go into his office now. Hawkeye's too good with that gun to make me want to tell her anything unpleasant (she has this tendency to take things out on the bearer of bad news), I can't find Havoc or Fury anywhere, Falman and Breda are too busy doing everyone else's paperwork to breathe, and I'm not even going to try Armstrong because I somehow feel he is responsible for this chaos. No one acknowledged any of their feelings before these diaries and everyone was fine. I can't even go to Brother; he's transmuted the library door to lock from the inside.

I realize I could just transmute the door myself, but I figure if he's so bent on ignoring me, I'll leave him alone.

So I was planning to just take care of this myself. I mean, I'm an alchemist, too, and I am better than Brother in hand-to-hand combat when it gets right down to it.

So I followed Envy back to his hideout.

In hindsight, this was probably a bad idea, as I was immediately discovered (it's really hard to be inconspicuous when you're my size) and was ambushed by no less than four sins.

Envy just laughed and said thanks for making myself absent from HQ so he could steal my identity and stop having to slink from shadow to shadow to stay hidden.

Does this mean Brother isn't going to know to come rescue me?

Alphonse Elric

Friday
Dear Diary,

And I thought everyone at HQ was insane. They don't hold a candle to these guys.

First of all, I got dragged into a game of strip poker with Lust, Gluttony, and Greed. Envy apparently hates them all and has gone off to play games at Headquarters.

I tried to explain the very obvious reasons why I can't play strip poker (beside the fact that I'm too young and innocent to know what it is, which they didn't believe) but Lust just kept talking about how she "loves a man in armor" and Gluttony kept eating the cards anyway so we didn't get very far.

They kind of weird me out.

Greed, though, he's not bad. At least talking to him gives me an excuse to get away from the others. He just wants to have a good time and doesn't seem so preoccupied with the Stone and stuff. He says he really has nothing against me and Brother; he just wants to figure out human transmutation so he can get an immortal body like mine.

Well if he wants it, he can have it, as long as I get my body back first.

He was out of there like lightning when Lust said she wanted some "alone time" with some blond-haired body builder she'd picked up somewhere, though. I decided to take the opportunity to leave.

I hate being ignored. Even when I'm a prisoner I'm ignored!

I was disconsolately wandering around some park trying to remember what ice cream tastes like when I saw WINRY!

Suddenly my day got much better.

When I asked her what brought her to Eastern, she said she had a letter and cookies to deliver to Major Armstrong from her grandmother.

Eh?

I feel that I'm missing something here.

I also feel that I'd like to continue missing it.

Things at HQ had completely degenerated into anarchy by the time we got there. Apparently no one noticed there were two Alphonse Elrics wandering around. Even Envy pretending to be me didn't notice.

We couldn't find Armstrong, so we left the stuff on the desk they give him when he comes out from Central and went back to the dorm to wait for Brother.

Winry said she'd finally get those sparkles out of my armor while we're waiting.

I feel loved. I hope Brother takes a long time in the library. I get the feeling this is going to be a long weekend.

Alphonse Elric

FIN


Pbluver: To answer your and everyone else's question about whether I'll be doing a second week, that's gonna have to be a negative. There's too much else I want to write. I will do a weekend edition to wrap up all the loose ends, though, and maybe try to go somewhere with the Roy/Ed thing. I'll just post it here; there won't be a separate story or anything. I still have some other people to do for this week, though, so we're not near the end by any means.

Gerbil X: I wish I had seen that far. I'd write you something about those two…although I did just get the subbed series, but I can't watch it because it's at home, and I'm at school, and…oh that's so frustrating…

DragonDreamer05: Yeah! Glad you decided to get an account.

No name: Here ya go! I made Al a little OOC, but come on, he may be nice about it, but he's gotta get annoyed sometime!

Fightingcomet: Please don't kill me! It's not my fault I get assigned all these papers that want real information and thought instead of random ramblings about anime characters I don't own…

Uber Flare: Rambling is good; it turns into fics like these and pairings like Armstrong/Pinako…I can't believe I wrote that…

Linwe Jaganshi: Yeah, that part about Ed and Al keeps coming back without my noticing it. It's just so funny when people misinterpret things…

Lilnitenurse: Be disappointed no more!

Cassandra: You may be a reincarnation of Maes Hughes. Please look into that.

DuAlity: Oh jeez, more sparkles. Haha, this is prose? I think that's giving it a lot of credit…but I agree on the idea that playing off of people's different perceptions of the same events is funny. Thanks.

Kori hime: I think we were all Elysia at some point in our lives. Our poor parents…

Anime Monster: Thank the powers that be that the camera would break and we will never be subjected to such pictures…

Chaos of Hearts: Schieska would be fun…

Dominus: That was such a cool review. And who wouldn't vote for Maes? And I think I added a little more pervertedness here, too. When will it end?