(Shaidar Haran is seen standing near the Bore as all the Forsaken walk in single file and stand in line)
Shai'tan: WELCOME CHOSEN, THE TIME HAS COME TO SEE WHO SHALL BE NAE'BLIS.
(All the Forsaken visibly brighten and stand up straight)
Shai'tan: IT IS NOT BY MY CHOOSING THAT NAE'BLIS SHALL BE NAMED, YOU WILL BATTLE AMONGST YOURSELVES FOR THIS PRESTIGEOUS TITLE IN A GAME OF SKILL AND WITS. YOU WILL ALL BE PLACED ON A REMOTE ISLAND IN AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION AND USE STRATEGY TO MAKE IT TO THE END. SHAIDAR HARAN SHALL BE YOUR GUIDE AND CONTROLLER OF THE EVENTS THAT TAKE PLACE. TO OBEY SHAIDAR HARAN IS TO OBEY ME, TO DISOBEY SHAIDAR HARAN…
(All the Forsaken assure Shai'tan that there will be no problems)
Shai'tan: GOOD, THEN YOU SHALL BEGIN IMMEDIATELY. REMEMBER, THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE NAE'BLIS…
(Shaidar Haran leads the Forsaken to a circle and they stand inside. Blinding light flashes and they all disappear. They arrive on an island strangely familiar to them)
Be'lal: Wait a tick, isn't this that place we saw on T.V. last night…?
Mesaana: IT WAS! I'm sure of it, but where are the castaways…
(All the Forsaken glance 10 feet away at a bunch of men and women huddled in a camp site staring at them with eyes wide with fear.)
Demandred: Don't tell me we have to share the island with them…
Shaidar Haran: Silence fools, they will be removed shortly.
(Shaidar Haran walks over to the campsite slowly and begins gesturing towards the ocean. After a minute of talking, Shaidar Haran stopped gesturing and waited. All the people pointed and laughed at him. With a shriek, Shaidar Haran unsheathed his sword and began wailing on a fat guy. The others got up and began running into the jungle)
Shaidar Haran: Set up camp and I'll be right back, I must… clean up these filths first.
(Shaidar Haran raises his sword high and charges into the jungle after the others)
Lanfear: Well we better set up camp.
Ishamael: FOOLS! I AM BA'ALZAMON! I AM THE DARK ONE! I AM MY OWN NAE'BLIS!
(Ishamael runs off down the beach and flops in the water shrieking about Shai'tan and swims over the horizon)
Be'lal: So… camp anyone?
Rahvin: Yes, I shall make us a fire…
Lanfear: Rahvin, since when are you an outdoor-man?
Rahvin: Never have been, but all we need is a single weave of fire and…
(Rahvin points his finger at some logs and nothing happens. He turns pale white and gasps)
Rahvin: OMG! I CAN'T CHANNEL! OMFG! SOMEBODY HAXORZ! I HAVE BEEN GENTLED! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
(Rahvin begins thrashing around in the sand REEing)
Mesaana: Calm down you spine, clearly we ALL cannot channel; it must be to make this "game" more challenging. Hmm, this is quite interesting, it reminds me of an extremely long story where… (Mesaana loses herself in mindless rabble)
Sammael: Illian is MINE!
Demandred: Who cares about Illian, the Black Tower's where it's at!
Lanfear: All of you silence!
(The command in Lanfear's voice quelled all arguing… for the moment)
Demandred: I suppose we could make a fire the old fashioned way…
Be'lal: But… but… we've used the One Power for so long. I'm not quite sure what to do… maybe if I had Callandor…
Aginor: Be'lal, you do NOT have Callandor, deal with it!
Be'lal: Oh go create some Trollocs or something you old fool.
(Rahvin stops thrashing around and stands up)
Rahvin: Oh, get a woman both of you, live a little!
Aginor and Be'lal: WE'RE IMMORTAL YOU IDIOT!
Moghedien: I am the spider!
(Moghedien begins climbing a tree and disappears in the leaves)
Sammael: Illian shall be MINE!
Graendal: Rahvin, you never had a woman without compulsion!
Rahvin: Cuz ya know, you clearly don't SPAM compulsion on everyone and everything!
(Rahvin and Graendal begin wrestling in the sand, Aginor and Be'lal are having a huge verbal fight, Sammael is running around claiming rights to Illian while the others watch and bet on winners… all except Balthamel and Asmodean. Asmodean sits calmly by a tree, bobbing his head to the music coming from his C'D pla'yer, seemingly unaware of anything. Balthamel sighs and squats by the fire site with 2 rocks. He begins tapping them together and making sparks. Suddenly the logs catch a spark and light up in flame. When they see this, the other Forsaken stop what they're doing and look at it, then look at Balthamel. Balthamel shrugs and lies down. All the other Forsaken gather around the fire and it turns to night)
Aginor: Ok, ok, Rahvin, truth or dare?
Rahvin: Dare all the way.
Aginor: I dare you to join the Queens Guard in Caemlyn, get ranked up to captain of the Queens Guard, quell some riots, get promoted to advisor to the Queen, then have her send allies out of the city and steal the throne for yourself, thus making yourself King of Caemlyn…
Rahvin: Eh, why not? Sure, after I'm named Nae'blis of course. Alright my turn, Balthamel, truth or dare?
(All stare at Balthamel and remember that he can't speak. Balthamel writes dare in the sand with one finger)
Rahvin: Ok Balthamel, I dare you to do a dance!
(Other Forsaken watch expectantly. Balthamel stands up slowly and brushes sand from his cloak. Some of the Forsaken snicker and stifle laughter. Balthamel just stands there)
Rahvin: Balthamel, you're supposed to…
(Balthamel starts break-dancing in the sand. Techno music starts playing from no where and all the Forsaken stare wide eyed as Balthamel rips out seemingly impossible moves. After about 2 minutes, Balthamel sits back down calmly)
Demandred: Well then… how the hell did you do that?
(Balthamel shrugs and points to Demandred. He writes "T or D?" in the sand)
(Balthamel writes "I dare you to pretend to be Mazrim Taim")
Demandred: Ha, no problem. I practically AM him. We look the same, we both hate and try to kill Lews Therin, so clearly that should be no problem. But that's after I'm named Nae'blis of course…
Lanfear: What? Lews Therin? Where?
Demandred: All I said was that I hate Lews Therin, calm down there miss "Oooo he still loves me, I'm so spine-worthy."
(Lanfear proceeds to tackle Demandred away from the fire)
Semirhage: Demandred seems to be busy at the moment, so I'll go. Asmodean, truth or dare?
(Asmodean is staring into the night still with his C'D pla'yer blasting "Immortal" by Adema)
Semirhage: Asmodean? Oh, give me that stick Be'lal.
(Be'lal clutches a half-carved stick shaped like a sword to his chest)
Be'lal: But… but it's my Callandor! I feel stronger already!
Semirhage: Give it here spine, you're gonna hurt yourself.
(Semirhage snatches "Callandor" away from a still protesting Be'lal and chucks it at Asmodean)
Asmodean: Oww… what do you want?
Semirhage: Truth or dare?
Asmodean: No, I'm not playing, you can't make me.
Semirhage: If you don't answer, I'll rip out every organ in your body and then every bone, then I'll thrash your lifeless corpse against the wall and feed it to the sharks.
Asmodean: … so?
Semirhage: And then I'll break your harp.
(Asmodean's shriek was heard all through the island, and all the creatures fled from that shriek that tore through the night sky)
Semirhage: Well? Answer!
(Asmodean's eyes are watery and he sobbed while stroking his harp)
Asmodean: You… are a CRUEL… EVIL… LADY! I'll answer your question and play your evil game! TRUTH! I SAY TRUTH! BRING YOUR LIGHTNING AND I SHALL DANCE WITH IT! ASK-
Semirhage: Are you loyal to the Great Lord?
(Asmodean stops mid-rant with wide eyes)
Asmodean: Loyal… why of course I'm loyal to the Dark O… err, I mean the Great Lord…
(All the Forsaken except Asmodean glance at a tree)
All Forsaken: Sp…
Asmodean: What? Wtf is Sp?
All Forsaken: Sp… Sp… SPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDER!
(Moghedien leaps from the tree and bites Asmodean's neck. She thrashes around and crawls off into the jungle with him)
Mesaana: Let's place teacher!
Rahvin: Lets go with NO you obsessive freak!
Mesaana: You're an obsessive narcissist! You and Graendal both!
Granedal: Hey come on now, did I say anything to you? Why you gotta be like that?
(Be'lal runs over to his wooden Callandor and begins carving it again)
Sammael: Illian is MINE!
Aginor: OK, ALRIGHT! SHUT UP ALL!
(All stop talking and look at Aginor. Demandred and Lanfear return to the campsite and sit with the others)
Aginor: Ok, I have an idea, we could…
Demandred: If this involves Trollocs or experiments, I'm outta here…
Rahvin: Yea, you and your Trollocs Aginor… it's not right.
Be'lal: You're sick dude.
Aginor: For the love of the GREAT LORD! This doesn't involve Trollocs!
(Gateway opens up and Van Kooy steps out, the saa is seen blazing across his eyes)
Van Kooy: Oh my god…
(Van Kooy steps back into the gateway which winks out)
Demandred: Anyone else see the saa in that guy's eyes?
Lanfear: Let's not talk about this.
Mesaana: Story time! Story time!
(5 minutes later… Asmodean is back somehow)
Mesaana: And then… he opened the door with a slow creak…
(All other Forsaken lean forward intently with wide eyes)
Mesaana: …he looked into the darkness and he heard footsteps, crunching on broken glass… coming towards him… when suddenly…
(Lightning flashes, revealing a tall cloaked figure standing behind Mesaana)
All Forsaken: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Shaidar Haran: BOO!
Be'lal: Wow you scream like a girl, Rahvin.
Rahvin: Well did you see yourself? You threw your precious "Callandor" uber far away in fear!
Be'lal: Callandor? NOOOO! I NEED IT! (sobs)
Shaidar Haran: Silence all of you! Tomorrow begins your real challenge. Now sleep!
(Shaidar Haran disappears in a shadow and all the Forsaken fall asleep)
Sammael: Illian is mine!
(Someone clubs Sammael unconscious and they all sleep. The next morning the Forsaken awake to Rahvin yelping)
Rahvin: Ow! Geez that was uncalled for!
Lanfear: THAT, is for touching me there…
Rahvin: Soooooorry! My hand wanders when I sleep.
Lanfear: You were NOT sleeping, believe me.
Rahvin: Oh how would you know?
Lanfear: The light that symbolizes your dream in Tel'aran'rhiod was not there all last night, and for some reason neither was Moghedien's… I wonder where she is anyway?
Sammael: ILLIAN IS-
Semirhage: (low threatening tone) Sammael, if you ever make that STUPID claim over Illian again, I am going to make you WISH you were severed and thrown to 600 myrddraal instead of what I'll do to you...
Sammael: … Ill-
(Sammael sits quietly mumbling to himself about Illian)
Shaidar Haran: It is time to…
Demandred: AH! S.H. man, you gotta stop appearing like that.
Shaidar Haran: (cough) It is TIME to…
Demandred: AH… oh wait, you already scared me, go on…
(Shaidar Haran stares blankly (yes I know he has no eyes!) at Demandred a moment. Suddenly, Demandred is consumed in a black fire with the fire binding his hands and feet together. He had enough time for half a scream before the fires flared wildly then dissipated with no sign of Demandred)
Shaidar Haran: (nods) Much better.
Semirhage: Where did you send him?
Shaidar Haran: I sent him to the scariest, most agonizingly lonely place in all existence…
Semirhage: (eyes widen) You don't mean…
(Demandred appears in Tom Kaminsky's room)
(Back on the island. All the Forsaken shudder visibly, even Semirhage)
Semirhage: Not even Lews Therin deserves that.
Lanfear: Therin? LEWS Therin? Where?
(All other Forsaken sigh)
Shaidar Haran: Silence all of you! Follow me.
Rahvin: Do you ALWAYS have to start statements addressing us with "Silence!"?
Shaidar Haran: Silence! That is-
(Shaidar Haran realizes what he just said and his face grows dark. His voice takes on an uber low malicious tone)
Shaidar Haran: Would you like to join Demandred in Tom's room Rahvin?
(Rahvin's eyes widen to the point of almost falling out of his head and he slinks back to hide behind Asmodean)
Shaidar Haran: Come.
(Black flash of darkness appears, followed by a black split in space that opens up to a dark gateway)
Asmodean: We have to go through that? No way, not me. You will never see me on the other side of THAT!
(5 minutes later)
Asmodean: I can't believe you threw me through the gateway, where are your manners now-a-days?
Shaidar Haran: This is my dimension. In here, reality is as I say it is. You will take your challenge here.
(A podium appears and across from it are 13 pegs in the darkness resembling seats)
Shaidar Haran: Be seated. Ishamael and Moghedien seem to be missing so they miss out. Demandred is… busy as well. Therefore the 10 of you shall take this challenge. The winnder shall get immunity. This means they cannot be voted out at the Council of Fate.
(Each Forsaken suddenly is holding a dry erase marker board, an eraser, and a marker of a different color. Asmodean's marker is pink for anyone that cares)
Shaidar Haran: In this challenge I will ask you all the same question and who ever gives the best answer will win immunity, it's simple. Question one: If you had Lews Therin safely shielded, what would you do? This is an easy answer, there's no way you can mess this up…
(The Forsaken lean over their boards and write for 30 seconds then turn their Boards down)
Shaidar Haran: Now lets see how you all managed to mess this up… ok, now reveal your answers.
(Rahvin and Be'lal have "Balefire him", Mesaana wrote "Teach him the glories of the Great Lord", Balthamel put "Take his tongue", Asmodean put 2 answers, but one of the answers was scribbled out, although the words 'Teach' and 'channel' were slightly visible. His second response was "Kill him of course (looks left, looks right)." Semirhage put an amazingly long paragraph involving all sorts of torture and severing, Granedal put "Make him one of my pretties", Aginor put "Crossbreed him with a Trolloc", that earned a quizzical look from Shaidar Haran and sick looks from the others. Sammael put "Illian is mine", and Lanfear put quite a dirty description of the 'things' she'd do to/with him, one of which involved a whip)
Shaidar Haran: Well, Mesaana's response is closest to the Great Lord's plans… so Mesaana wins immunity.
Mesaana: Woohoo! I'm so happy, I could read!
(Mesaana pulls a book out of no where and begins reading)
Sammael: But… but Illian?
Shaidar Haran: No, I'm sorry Sammael, no Illian this time.
(Sammael's eyes well up with tears and he looks away sniffling)
Shaidar Haran: Well then, it is time for the Council of Fate.
(A table with a jar, ink, paper, and a quill-pen appear)
Shaidar Haran: Vote for the one amongst you who you would like to be removed from the game. The one with the most votes will be cast from the island immediately. We will vote in alphabetical order, so Aginor begin. Oh and one more thing, this is ca'mera guy Bob, he holds the ca'mera by the voting and looks cool. You can say hi to him if you want.
(Bob waves and turns on the ca'mera)
Shaidar Haran: NOW BEGIN!
(Survivor voting music plays as Aginor walks up to the voting table. It takes about 10 minutes for all the Forsaken to finish voting, then Shaidar Haran walks up and brings the jar down)
Shaidar Haran: I'll tally the votes. The first vote goes for… "I wish I had Callandor"… seeing as that's no ones name, it doesn't count. The next vote is "Lews Therin". He is ALSO not here so this vote is not counting either. The third vote is… "Illian is mine", Ok I DON'T think you all quite understand the PURPOSE of voting! It's to eliminate the competitors for the title of Nae'blis! Now I better see a name of someone in this room or this is over. Now lets see, the fourth vote is for… "Shaidar Haran". Ok that is NOT funny!
(Asmodean snickers in the back)
Shaidar Haran: 5th is Graendal. FINALLY! Someone who is not me that's in this room. 6th is for… "I wish I could talk"… (sigh) 7th is for… "Bob".
(Tears well up in Bob's eyes and he starts whimpering)
Shaidar Haran: Oh look what you've done now! It's ok Bob, they have no souls, and they're just jealous of you.
(Bob wipes his tears and smiles)
Shaidar Haran: That's better. 8th is… "Can we have a library?" (glares at Mesaana) 9th is "Where's my mirror?", and 10th is "Boobookittyfuc"… Well that settles it, since Graendal is the only one who was voted against, she loses. How's it feel to know you were betrayed by SOMEONE in this room?
Graendal: I'm the one who voted for me, all of this is not worth being Nae'blis. And I don't think I'll ever go anywhere near Illian ever again…
(Sammael's ears perk up and he looks around)
Shaidar Haran: In any case, it's time for you to go.
Graendal: …Go where?
Shaidar Haran: Just… go…
(Graendal shrugs and walks off into the darkness)
Shaidar Haran: As for the rest of you… BACK TO CAMP! (Shrieks and shakes fist)
(The darkness envelopes all the remaining Forsaken and the next thing they know, they're back at camp)
That's all I have written for now folks, depending on reviews I may continue writing. I hope you enjoyed this comedic take on the Forsaken.