I know some of you are wondering why 'Donatello' and 'angst' are in the same category. I hardly ever find one where he is feeling all angsty (that pleasure usually goes to Raphael) and I wanted to change the pace a little. So I decided to explore what his innermost thoughts could be, because we all know Don is not as innocent as he appears to be…
Quiet Little Corner
Here I am in my quiet, little corner…
No one bothers me, really; they just let me do what I do. The fixing, the inventing, they are the things I enjoy most in this dark world of mine, in between the fighting and the rescuing. It's kinda nice that I can break away from the monotony of practicing ninjitsu day in and day out…
Until the daily routine of fixing and inventing turns monotonous too.
I often observe my family when they don't know it. I watch all the things they do when they are alone, and I watch them when they do things together. They always seem to be enjoying themselves, sometimes having the time of their lives. I always feel, if you'll excuse the expression, green with envy.
Because that's all I do, watch.
Rarely does anyone ask me to join them, or keep them company. Am I that boring to be around? Is all I'm ever good for is repairing? Do they even care that I'm alive…?
It seems unfair of me to ask those kinds of questions; I even berate myself sometimes for thinking that. But most of the time I feel that is the truth, that I mean nothing.
If I ever expressed this aloud, Leo would protest that none of what I'm thinking is true. But that is the 'good ol' leader' in him that is speaking, trying to upkeep the morale of the soldier in his troop. Raph probably wouldn't give a damn to what I'm feeling. The only one who I think will be truly sympathetic is Mikey, but even then, he might be so lost in his own la-la land that he isn't truly hearing what I am saying. Splinter is, as usual, a different story. He is always in tune to what all of us are feeling, in fact he is the one who usually encourages me to spend more time with the family. I usually refuse with an excuse, usually that I have a project to work on, and all of them swallow my lie and go back to whatever was going on in their lives before I disrupted it.
Same old routine; day in, day out.
I often thought of suicide or running away, but the poor fools would be lost without me. Who would fix the fuse box when it burns out? Who would fix the t.v. when it gets broken (usually by Raph or Mike, sometimes both). Who would fix the stupid toaster when it breaks down for the five-hundredth time? Really, in all honesty, I love them. They are the heart and soul of my life, but to them I'm made of tin. All I ever do is fix and repair in my quiet, little corner.
Maybe this is why they treat me like they do.
I accept the role that I am given; this is my place within the clan, my family. But I'd like to go beyond the title of 'the brain', I'd like to know that my brothers think more highly of me then just the resident machanic. I want to expand beyond the limitations of my box and become more than what I seem to be, what I need to be.
But I guess some things just won't change.
And therefore I am stuck in my quiet, little corner fixing and repairing all that comes my way.