Disclaimer for my sanity:
This story was written in 2000, so don't be too harsh on me :P
If this isn't the right format for a story, go ahead and take it down. I've seen other works in this format on this website and they're great, but if there's a problem with it by all means remove it.
TheNewlywed Game: Special Edition - part 2
ANNOUNCER: Liiiiiive from Hollywood, it's The Newlywed Game! And here's the star of the show, Bob Eubanks!
(Audience cheers as Bob walks out in the same outfit as before except sporting a hula skirt)
BOB: Hello everyone. Glad you could join us for the second half of this special edition of The Newlywed Game. With us today are...uh...Michiru and Usagi...? Where are Haruka and Mamoru?
MICHIRU (laying in a hammock, sipping coconut milk, wearing a smooth, blue, two-piece swimsuit with a transparent cloth around her waist): They're still tired from after the last show.
BOB: Oh my...
USAGI (wearing about the smallest bikini one could find and sunglasses, drinking lemonade, sitting in a lawn chair): Yeah. Hope they wake up before we're done.
BOB: Yeah. Well, your questions are worth 10 points each as opposed to 5 in the last segment. As you know, Usagi and Mamoru have 35 points and Michiru and Haruka have 40 points. Good luck to both of you. Here's the first question. Michiru, when it comes to lovemaking, would you say Haruka is better than she looks or she looks better than she really is?
MICHI: You think I'm going to say anything other than she's better than she looks?
USAGI: And Mamo-chan's DEFINITELY better than he looks!
BOB: As I thought. Usagi, if your husband was your love toy, what would you have to do to get him started: wind him up, pull his string, or plug him in?
USAGI: What do you mean 'if'? Mamo-chan IS my love toy!
MICHI (rolls her eyes): Oh please!
USAGI: Bite me!... Well, he'd have to be plugged in 'cause once I light his fire he keeps going and going and going and-
MICHI: Spare me!
BOB: I'm afraid. This is only the second question!
MICHI: Sorry, Bob. Haruka would probably need to be plugged in as well.
USAGI: And you were making fun of me...
BOB: Okay, okay. Michiru, which comment has Haruka heard least in her life: you're so interesting, you're so funny, or you're so good in bed?
MICHI: It would have to be 'you're so good in bed.'
MICHI: Well, she has reporters and every one of her fans telling her she's interesting, and Hotaru says she's funny every five minutes. I'm the only one telling her she's good in bed
BOB: Thank you for the explanation, Michiru.
USAGI: Well, I tell Mamo-chan he's good in bed every night, so he
probably hears 'you're so interesting' the least.
BOB: Good. What was the last thing your lover did that left you
USAGI: Mamo-chan actually cleaned the whole apartment and fixed dinner
just for me!
BOB: How sweet. Michiru?
MICHI (blushing): I was sitting in bed reading and...she walked in the
room wearing only a G-string...
(Audience whistles and cheers)
BOB: Well, I'd like to see Mamoru's reaction to that piece of info. Now, Michiru, would Haruka say she thinks most about sex when she's eating, watching TV, or working out?
MICHI: I would say when she's working out.
USAGI: Mamo-chan definitely thinks about sex when he's watching TV 'cause I guess sports shows get him aroused or something.
BOB: That was quick. Usagi, if Mamoru were to grade you on last night's bedroom performance, would he give you an "A" for acting, "C" for cold shoulder, or "F" for fantastic?
USAGI: He'd better give me an 'F.'
BOB: I sure hope. Michiru?
MICHI: It was fantastic, Bob!
BOB: Yes... Michiru, complete this sentence, "When it comes to blank Haruka is like the little engine that couldn't."
MICHI (laughing): Um...when it comes to foreplay she's like the little engine that couldn't.
BOB: Oh, really?
MICHI (sighs): Yeah... Remember yesterday; rushing?
BOB (smiles): Oh yeah. Well, Usagi, what can't Mamoru do?
USAGI: As much as I'm tempted to also say foreplay, I'm going to have to say listening. If he's watching TV, good luck getting his attention.
BOB (laughing): Okay. Next, Usagi, if Mamoru was a light bulb, how long would he be able to stay turned on before he burned out?
USAGI: Well, he can stay turned on at most two hours.
BOB: Wow. Michiru?
MICHI: I would say one hour.
BOB: Alright. Michiru, what's the most number of people Haruka's been naked with at one time?
MICHI: What? Better be one!
USAGI: Oh dear... My answer's fifteen.
MICHI: You got some competition, Usagi?
USAGI: No! It was a college fraternity thing!
BOB: Well, we'll have to question him on that one. But, our next question is for Usagi. Listen carefully to this one. Which of the following do you think best describes his sexual timing: too little too early, too little too late, too much too early, or too much too late?
USAGI: Oh my...uh...I get too much too early. He woke me up at 4 am once wanting it!
BOB: Yes, I'd agree that's too early.
MICHI: Well, I'd say too much too late. I'm afraid I don't get enough sleep sometimes because she keeps me up.
BOB: Fine. Complete this sentence, "The next time I want to stick it to my lover really bad, I'll just sigh and say, 'It's a shame he doesn't blank like my ex-boyfriend blank.'" Michiru?
MICHI: It's a shame she doesn't give massages like Kento.
USAGI: Oh, you're in trouble, Michiru!
MICHI: Oh yeah? What did Seiya actually do better than Mamoru?
USAGI (smiling): He was sweeter!
MICHI (sarcastically): I'm sure he'll agree to that.
USAGI: Bite me!
BOB: Now, now. There's been so much less fighting between you two. Don't start now. Usagi, exactly how long would Mamoru say he can go without sex before his personality begins to change?
USAGI (laughing): This is certainly an appropriate question. Uh...he can last about two days before going crazy.
MICHI: About the same with Haruka. Two days without it and she's depressed.
BOB: I pity them. Anyway, Michiru, if you could take Haruka in for servicing just like a car, what would you ask to get fixed first: her gear box, stick shift, air bag or gas tank?
MICHI (laughing): Well, one of those answers doesn't apply to me, but of the ones that do, I'd say I'd want her gear box fixed.
BOB (laughing): And why's that?
MICHI: She's too fast and doesn't like foreplay!
BOB: Okey-dokey. Usagi?
USAGI: Well, I can't complain about his stick shift, so I'll have to say his airbag. He's a human vacuum cleaner!
BOB (laughing): He might not like that answer, but oh well. What word is uttered the most in your bedroom: yes, no, please or sorry? Usagi, your turn.
USAGI (smiling): Oh, yes, Bob!
BOB: Uh...please don't use my name when you say that...
USAGI (blushing): Sorry, Bob.
BOB: So your answer is 'yes,' yes?
BOB: Yes. Michiru?
BOB: I think we should move on. Michiru, what two things does Haruka have trouble doing at the exact same time?
MICHI: Bob, she can't think straight when she's having sex!
BOB: Well, most people don't...
MICHI: But when we're in the heat of passion she doesn't think of anything else! I could ask her when she wants to do next and she'll answer 'yes' or 'no.'
BOB: That could be a problem.
USAGI: You wanna hear a problem? Mamo-chan can't dance and act sexy at the same time.
BOB: We'll have an interesting time hearing that explanation from him... Well, girls, this is the last question.
USAGI: I don't see how you could get any further into our bedrooms, Bob.
BOB: Think again, Usagi. Complete this sentence, "It's just a matter of time until I'm going to let him make love to me where."
USAGI: Oh dear... Under our bed.
BOB: Well, that's an unusual spot... Michiru, do I dare?
MICHI: I don't think so. My answer is a public indoor pool.
BOB: A public pool!
MICHI (sighs): Sadly, yes.
BOB: Okay... We are finished with the lady's questions, and when we return, we'll have some fun with Mamoru and Haruka's answers.
BOB: Welcome back to this special edition of The Newlywed Game. The current scores are Usagi and Mamoru have 35 points and Haruka and Michiru have 40. These answers are worth ten points a piece. Are you ready to begin?
(Audience cheers. Mamoru is admiring Usagi's swim wear as she sits in his lap. He's wearing a red Speedo. Michiru has changed into a black bikini and sunglasses hold back her hair. She's laying on a beach towel with Haruka who's wearing a golden-colored bikini)
BOB: Well then let's get started. Our first question is, when it comes to lovemaking, Mamoru, are you better than you look or do you look better than you really are?
MAMO: Usako better have said I'm better than I look.
BOB: And she did! Good job. Haruka?
HARU: I would usually say I'm as good as I look, but in this case I'm better.
MICHI: Of course you are!
BOB: Ten points. Haruka, if you were Michiru's love toy, what would she have to do to get you started: plug you in, pull your string, or wind you up?
HARU: She'd probably have to plug me in because I waste no time warming up.
BOB: That's a match. Mamoru?
MAMO: I usually think I AM Usako's love toy, so I'll say the same thing.
BOB: I'm starting to believe we need to check our soundproof booths...
HARU: No need. We were asleep the whole time.
BOB: Oh dear... Well, I hope you're awake now. And if not, you will be. Which comment have you heard least in your life: you're so funny, you're so good in bed, or you're so interesting? Mamoru?
MAMO: Not many people say I'm interesting...
BOB: That's what Usagi told us. Haruka?
HARU: Well, I'm good in bed and interesting, so I don't have many people telling me I'm funny.
MICHI: Haruka! Hotaru tells you that every day!
HARU: And my fans tell me I'm interesting.
MICHI: So what does that leave?
HARU: So what do you say over and over every night when I'm making love to you?
(Michiru covers her mouth and blushes)
BOB (smiling): No secrets on this show. Haruka, what was the last thing you did that left Michiru speechless?
(Michiru begins to blush again)
HARU: What could be that bad, Michi? The only thing I can think of is when I bought handcuffs for us to play with one night.
MICHI: I wasn't speechless about that!
BOB: Yes. Michiru tells us otherwise.
MICHI (standing): Don't say it, Bob!
HARU Don't say what?
USAGI: Michiru told us you walked in to the bedroom in a G-string.
HARU (blushing): You told them about that?
MICHI: It was the last thing that left me speechless!
MAMO: I'm speechless just thinking about it...
HARU: Don't think about it, ecchi!
MAMO: Well, I can't complain. I did nearly the same thing.
MAMO (smiling): Don't you remember, Sweetie? Friday night?
USAGI (eyes wide): Aaaahhhhhh! (covers Mamoru's mouth) Don't tell them that!
MICHI: What happened, Usagi?
MAMO: Well, I went over her house while her parents weren't home and she was-
BOB: Well, whatever this story may be I don't think it's making a dinner.
USAGI: Shut up!
BOB: Now, now, Usagi, I'm sure Mamoru wouldn't tell if you don't want him to.
USAGI: Yes he would. Just to brag.
HARU: He's got nothing to brag about. Don't worry.
BOB: I think we should move on now. Do you think most about sex when you're watching TV, working out, or eating? Mamoru?
MAMO: Well, I think about it all the time, but of those three activities I think about it most when I'm watching TV.
BOB: Finally, a correct answer. Haruka, can you do the same?
HARU: Naturally, it's when I'm eating.
MICHI: Why would eating make you think about...never mind.
BOB (smiling): Michiru, never underestimate the young male mind...or in Haruka's case...
HARU: Stop right there, Bob. Don't you dare relate me in any way to a man.
BOB: Okay, okay. Uh, next question. If you were to grade your wife on last night's bedroom performance, would you give her an "A" for acting, "C" for could shoulder, or "F" for fantastic? Haruka?
HARU: Michiru gets an 'F' for freaky!
MICHI (blushing): Haruka!
BOB: Well, even if that's your interpretation, both said 'F.' Mamoru?
MAMO: Usako gets an F!
BOB: I'm never doing this question again. Grades screw me up enough as it is. Mamoru, we asked Usagi to complete this sentence, "When it comes to what, Mamoru is like the little engine that couldn't."
MAMO: Well, she use to say there was nothing I couldn't do, but if there's one thing I'm bad at it's cooking.
BOB: Usagi says you can't listen; especially when you're watching TV.
MAMO: Oh yeah. That too.
HARU: I'd also say when it comes to listening.
MICHI (annoyingly): Haruka...
MICHI: What did we have the LONG discussion about last night?
HARU (grinning): If you wanna call it a 'discussion.'
MICHI: You know what I mean!
HARU (sighing): She's right... Foreplay.
BOB: THAT'S correct, but no points. Next, if you were a light bulb, how long would you be able to stay turned on before you burned out? Haruka?
HARU: Strange questions, Bob. But I can stay turned on for about two hours.
MICHI (laughing): When?
MICHI: Honey, you can barely make it an hour!
HARU: That...that's not true.
MAMO: Wanna prove it?
HARU: You'd like me to!
BOB: Now, now. Mamoru, what's YOUR answer?
MAMO: Me? Ha! Three and a half hours!
USAGI (laughing): I know what Michiru feels like now! Mamo-chan, two hours at the MOST and you're out.
USAGI: Well, it's the truth.
BOB: I think that's enough humiliation for now. Oh...I just looked at the next question... What's the most number of people you've been naked with at one time? Mamoru?
MAMO: Are you trying to get us in trouble, Bob? Now, this was a dare in a college fraternity, but...fifteen other guys.
HARU (grinning): What was the dare?
MAMO: It would have been a lot different if you were there.
HARU: I'd have killed you.
MAMO (standing): You wanna try it?
HARU (standing): Bring it on!
BOB: Will you two sit down? I'm about to have you tied to the trees!
MICHI USAGI: Please...
(Haruka and Mamoru sit)
BOB: Thank you. Mamoru, that was a match with Usagi. Haruka, what's your answer?
HARU (wraps an arm around Michiru): One, Bob.
MICHI (smiles and kisses Haruka): Yokatta.
BOB: See. There's no need to be violent. Okay, Haruka, I'm going to read you some phrases, and you tell me which one best describes your sexual timing: too much too early, too much too late, too little too early, or too little too late?
HARU: My sexual timing? Is there anything you won't ask?
MAMO: I hope not. This is great!
HARU: What do you mean by that?
MAMO: From what Michiru tells me, I'm about to come over there and give you a lesson in foreplay myself!
HARU (stands): You want me to snap that Speedo right off you!
MAMO (stands): Sure, but then you can suck my-
(Haruka and Mamoru sit down)
BOB: One more outburst and I swear I'm having you tied down!
USAGI: Oh, you love it, Bob.
BOB: Yes, but even I can only take so much... Now, Haruka, PLEASE answer the question calmly.
HARU: Gomen nasai. Too much too late.
MICHI: Thank you!
BOB: That's right. Mamoru?
MAMO: It's gotta be too much too early.
BOB: Very good. Next, we asked the girls to complete this sentence, "The next time I want to stick it to my lover really bad, I'll just sigh and say, 'It's a shame he doesn't blank like my ex-boyfriend blank." Mamoru?
MAMO (peering at Usagi who smiles innocently): It's shame I don't...kiss like that weasel Seiya?
USAGI: I never kissed him, Mamo-chan!
MAMO: Well, good.
USAGI: That means you got it wrong!
BOB: She said sweeter.
MAMO: Sweeter? I'll show you sweeter!
(Mamoru bends Usagi back and kisses her passionately)
BOB: Well... Haruka?
HARU: You better not have said what I think you might have said.
MICHI: If I said what you think I might have said which is what you hope I didn't say but I might have said, what will you do then?
HARU (very confused): ... Uh...
MICHI (leans against Haruka and smiles): Just answer the question, Sweetie.
HARU (sweatdrops): Um...I don't buy you things like Kento?
BOB: Well, Michiru seems to enjoy the massages he gives her.
HARU: MASSAGES? Where! When! You never told me you let him touch you like that!
MICHI: For obvious reasons, Haruka...
HARU: Well, he's dead next time I see him!
BOB: Haruka, take this as a sign. Maybe if you do the same to Michiru she won't have to reside in Kento anymore.
HARU: That's right, Bob. Michiru, you're getting a FULL-body massage tonight!
BOB: That's not all you four are getting tonight. Anyway, let's move on before you get ahead of yourselves. Haruka, exactly how long can you go without sex before your personality begins to change?
HARU: Two days.
BOB: Right! Mamoru?
MAMO (still kissing Usagi): What?
BOB: Please give an answer.
MAMO: What was the question?
BOB (sighs): How long can you go without sex?
MAMO: I can only go about a day.
USAGI: You can go longer than that!
BOB: Yes, she said two days. Okay, Mamoru, listen. If Usagi could take you in for servicing just like a car, what would she ask to get fixed first: your air bag, gas tank, gear box or stick shift?
MAMO: I don't see how she can complain about my stick shift, so of the remaining three she'd probably want my air bag fixed.
USAGI: THAT'S for sure. You eat like a pig!
USAGI: Don't deny it. Remember when you ate that entire box of Hohos in one day?
MAMO (smiling): That's only because I was eating them off of you!
(Usagi blushes like mad)
BOB: In the midst of all that, air bag is a match. Haruka?
HARU: Well, stick shift's out, and nothing's wrong with my air bag or gas tank, so it must be gear box.
BOB: Correctly deduced for ten more points. (smiling) Haruka, Mamoru, what word is uttered most in your bedroom: no, yes, sorry or please?
HARU: It's definitely 'yes,' Bob!
BOB: Michiru says it's 'please.'
MICHI: Haruka, there are at least ten 'pleases' for every 'yes.'
HARU: Yeah, and the begging comes from you.
MAMO: I think the only word EVER uttered in our bedroom is 'yes.'
BOB: Yes, that's a match. Mamoru, what two things do you have trouble doing at the exact same time?
(Audience begins to laugh quietly)
MAMO: Why are they laughing? I would say it's the same as the earlier question; I can't listen and watch TV.
BOB (laughing): Nope.
MICHI: Mamoru, wanna do a dance for us?
BOB: Yes. Explain to us your little dilemma with dancing for Usagi and acting sexy.
HARU (laughing): Yes, please demonstrate.
MAMO: I'll demonstrate on you, you little-
BOB: Mamoru! This is supposed to be a fun game show, not Jerry Springer!
MAMO: Okay then. I'd like to hear Haruka's answer.
HARU: It can't possibly be more humiliating than yours... Talking while making love.
BOB: No, that's not the same.
MICHI: Thinking straight while having sex.
HARU: No one can do that!
MICHI: But you're ridiculous!
BOB: Alright, this is the final question. But don't worry, there is an extensive bonus round coming up, so it's still any couple's game. Haruka, how did Michiru complete this sentence, "It's just a matter of time until I'm going to have to let Haruka make love to me where."
HARU: Definitely on the kitchen table.
MICHI: No! It's where YOU want to do it!
HARU: Not necessarily. You have been wanting to do it on the table, though.
MICHI (blushing): I have not!
BOB: Too bad. It's all in how you interpret the question. Mamoru?
MAMO: We were talking about it last week. Under our bed.
BOB: That's a match!
BOB: We're going to take a commercial now, but when we come back, both couples will compete in our special bonus round which will determine the grand prize winner on this special edition show. Don't go away.
BOB: Welcome back, everyone. This is the final segment of our two-day special and I hope you enjoy what we've got planned. Here's how the bonus round will work. We have asked these four contestants about various items that they might use in the bedroom. Haruka and Mamoru were questioned about seven different things and the girls five. Their lovers will now be asked if these things are preferred or not preferred by them, according to what the other said. Each match will earn them 25 points. If you are confused, don't worry. It will all make hilarious sense in a minute. Are you ready?
BOB: Okay, let's go. First, for Usagi and Michiru, would you two enjoy or not enjoy whipped cream in your bedroom?
USAGI: We start out with the obvious ones and get harder, huh? Enjoy.
MICHI: I enjoy whipped cream, too!
HARU MAMO: So do we!
BOB (laughing): That's an obvious match. Mamoru, Haruka, we asked the girls about strawberries.
MAMO: We definitely enjoy those.
HARU: They go great with whipped cream!
(Usagi and Michiru are blushing)
BOB: Right. Don't get embarrassed now, girls. What did your lovers say about a blindfold?
USAGI MICHI (blushing): Blindfold!
MICHI: We've only used a blindfold once, so I'd say we don't enjoy it.
HARU: You had a different opinion the night we used it. You said you loved being surprised and it created wonderful suspense-
MICHI: That's enough, Haruka!
USAGI: We've never used one, so no.
MAMO: But I want to so I said yes.
USAGI: Well, you never told me you wanted to!
BOB: There's a fifty-fifty chance on all of these. Just keep thinking about what your partner answered. Mamoru, Haruka, peanut butter.
HARU: None of that for us.
MAMO: I loooove peanut butter 'cause it takes a long time to lick off!
BOB: Well...that's correct for Haruka and Michiru... Anyway, here's a little surprise for you girls. Video camera.
MICHI: Nani! No way!
HARU: Michiru! We've made videos before!
MICHI (blushing): That doesn't mean I enjoyed making them.
MAMO: Either way, care to give me a copy? I've always wanted to see two women go at it!
HARU: What did you say!
BOB: Mamoru, please! What's your answer Usagi?
USAGI: We're not making any videos from now on, but my answer's I like it.
BOB: That's a match. Here's another for the girls. Do you enjoy chocolate sauce?
USAGI: That's a giveaway. Yep!
MICHI: Me too!
BOB: Right! Okay, Haruka and Mamoru, what about a flash camera?
MAMO: What? And I thought video camera was bad.
HARU: It is.
MAMO: Well, we like flash cameras, too.
USAGI: No I don't!
MAMO: But you liked video cameras!
USAGI: Flash cameras are much different.
HARU (laughs): You should know most women don't like having their picture taken, let alone when they're not wearing anything. Of course, you'd only know about naked men, wouldn't you?
BOB: Haruka! Don't start! Michiru, Usagi, adult videos.
MICHI: What? That's like having some other couple in the room with you!
USAGI: Yeah. Disgusting!
BOB: Haruka didn't prefer them either, but Mamoru...
BOB: Okay, lotions.
HARU: Well, those are always stimulating.
MAMO: I use them all the time - on Usako.
(The girls blush)
BOB (smiling): 25 points each. Ladies, handcuffs.
USAGI: Oh my...
MICHI: Who thinks up these things, Bob?
BOB: Not me.
USAGI: Sure. Handcuffs are lots of fun.
BOB: Mamoru agrees with that. Michiru?
MICHI (blushing): I...I guess so.
BOB: Good, Michiru. Here's a little unusual one. Mamoru and Haruka, do you like sprinkles?
MAMO: Sprinkles? That's different. Never used them, but it would be fun.
BOB: Yep. Haruka?
HARU: I wouldn't think Michi would like using those.
BOB: Apparently she would.
MICHI: I never thought about it before!
BOB: Okay, here it is. The moment of truth. This is the final question worth...well, it doesn't even matter what it's worth 'cause, believe it or not, it's a tie score! Both couples have 210 points, so whoever gets this right will win the game.
(Usagi and Michiru stand up)
BOB: Ladies...your opinion on...cherries.
USAGI MICHI: ENJOY!
BOB (sweating): Oh...dear...it's...a tie.
(Mamoru and Haruka stand up)
USAGI: So what does that mean!
BOB (scared): It...it means you both win and are both going on your second...third...whatever honeymoons. Of course, you're being sent to opposite sides of the Earth. We don't want to start another World War.
MAMO: I WON'T accept this! We must win!
HARU: Well, you know, we won the very first game, so technically we have more points overall, so we win.
USAGI: But you were fighting after the show so much you couldn't even take the trip, so what does that prove?
MICHI: We made up so much that we tied you on this show, so what does that prove?
(The four start throwing stuff at each other, tearing up the set. Bob crawls under the flying debris toward the audience)
BOB (sighs): And when I say opposite sides of the Earth, I MEAN opposite sides of the Earth... The North and South Poles to be exact...
(Credits begin to role)
BOB (looking at camera): What can I say? This is the best show on television. This is Bob Eubanks signing off for The Newlywed Game. Good night everyone.