Oh ho ho ho! And here we go again...
Disclaimer: RK belongs to its creator. Idea for these kinds of fics belongs to Theresa Green. (Excellent LOTR writer. Go check her stuff out next.)
Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of a fully-automated SANOSUKE SAGARA unit! To insure you get the full use and benefits of your brand-new Street Fist-Fighter, please pay close attention to the following instructions:
Name: Sanosuke Sagara (also known as Zanza, Rooster-Head, Idiot/Baka/Moron/Ahou, and That No-Good-Freeloading Jerk)
Date of Manufacture: 9 BME (Before Meiji Era)
Place of Manufacture: Shogunate Japan Inc, Peasant Villagers Division
Height: About 6 feet
Weight: More than it looks
Your SANOSUKE SAGARA comes with the following accessories:
One pair white Hakama
One pair black shoes
One long white cloak with the word 'Aku' (Evil) embroidered on the back
One red headband
One ton personal bandages
When you open the box containing your SANOSUKE SAGARA, you may find him temperamental and suspicious. However, having available immediate food and/or gambling prospects should be more than enough to set your SANOSUKE SAGARA at ease.
The SANOSUKE SAGARA is an all-purpose street thug with many different talents. While at first he will ask for money in exchange for using these talents, after enough time has passed he will claim to act out of friendly feeling before he asks you for the money.
Fighter-For-Hire: The primary ability your SANOSUKE SAGARA will display, for any reason whatsoever, is his incredible fighting skills. If you've been waiting for someone or something both horribly damaging and incredibly traumatizing to sic on your enemies, you can wait no longer! Please note, your SANOSUKE SAGARA will exact payment from you for these fights, based on how much fun he had destroying the opponent.
Bodyguard: Evil assassin gangs stalking your family? Facing a little pirate trouble? No worries! The SANOSUKE SAGARA will gladly keep an eye out for any intruders and deal with them upon discovery. Please note, he will probably ask for payment for this as well.
De-Construction: With his ready supply of brute strength and the use of the Futai-no-Kiwami technique, smashing inanimate objects to smithereens is child's play for your SANOSUKE SAGARA. Not only does it keep his fighting skills sharp, but this might be the only thing that he won't need to be paid to do, not that it will stop him from asking for money anyway.
Your SANOSUKE SAGARA comes with six modes:
Friendly (default setting)
Punchy-O-Matic Stage I
Punchy-O-Matic Stage II
Please note the difference between the Serious, Punchy-O-Matic (Stages I and II), and Grumpy Modes, as all are interchangeable and sometimes difficult to distinguish from one another.
The Serious Mode takes effect when SANOSUKE SAGARA is faced with an issue of importance that doesn't directly involve him. This can be confused with the Grumpy Mode as in both cases, the SANOSUKE SAGARA wears an unhappy expression. However, Grumpy Mode takes effect only if whatever issue of importance that is happening directly involves your SANOSUKE SAGARA.
The Punchy-O-Matic Stage I Mode takes effect during, before, and after fights. It can be confused for the Friendly Mode due to SANOSUKE SAGARA's constantly-pleased expression. This is due to how much the SANOSUKE SAGARA loves to fight, and may cause him to provoke fights in order to exercise his enjoyment.
The Punchy-O-Matic Stage II Mode also takes effect during, before, and after fights. However, in Stage II, SANOSUKE SAGARA will look and be very angry. This comes from battles against people SANOSUKE SAGARA extremely dislikes, from battles about subjects SANOSUKE SAGARA is personally sensitive to, and from battles in which SANOSUKE SAGARA loses, even though the other guy was 'fighting on his level'. It is not wise to provoke the SANOSUKE SAGARA unit when in Stage II.
Caution: If you set your SANOSUK SAGARA to Slash Mode when other compatible units are not set to Slash, the resulting rejection may/will result in massive property damage. You will be held responsible for this damage.
Relations with other units:
Your SANOSUKE SAGARA is a fun-loving punk who enjoys hanging around with good friends. However, do to his aggressive tendencies, we strongly recommend that you closely monitor interactions between your SANOSUKE SAGARA and the following units:
HAJIME SAITO: A powerful swordsman and a smoker, this unit is the most likely to provoke an attack from your SANOSUKE SAGARA. Please separate these two units whenever a fight appears about to break out, as the HAJIME SAITO will take advantage of your SANOSUKE SAGARA's temper and poor defense skills to cause serious injury.
SWORD-HUNTER CHO: A collector of swords and a SHISHIO agent. When this unit interacts with your SANOSUKE SAGARA unit, any conversation will usually degrade into a name-calling clash of insults. A SAITO unit is actually the best choice to monitor such interactions, as CHO and SANOSUKE SAGARA hate SAITO just as much as they hate each other.
MEGUMI TEKANI: A flirty, devious doctor. She and your SANOSUKE SAGARA will not get along at first, do to his innate dislike of drug-dealers. However, once he accepts her, MEGUMI TEKANI will both tease your SANOSUKE SAGARA mercilessly, but also constantly scold him about overuse of his injured arm.
Other Unit Interactions:
RUROUNI KENSHIN: Small, extremely polite, and basically undefeatable swordsman. Upon first meeting with a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit, your SANOSUKE SAGARA unit will challenge him to a fight. These challenges will keep coming until the RUROUNI KENSHIN breaks your SANOSUKE SAGARA's Zanbatou. Afterwards, the SANOSUKE SAGARA and the RUROUNI KENSHIN remain the best of friends most of the time.
KATSUHIRO (TSUNAN) TSUKIOKA: Part-time Nishiki painter, part-time rebel against the government, KATSUHIRO (TSUNAN) TSUKIOKA is an old childhood friend of your SANOSUKE SAGARA. Upon meeting with your SANOSUKE SAGARA, the KATSUHIRO (TSUNAN) TSUKIOKA unit will plot with him to overthrow the nearest government. As the KATSUHIRO (TSUNAN) TSUKIOKA unit is also an expert in explosives, such plots must be taken seriously. However, the SANOSUKE SAGARA unit is quite capable of setting his friend straight whenever these plots are blocked by a RUROUNI KENSHIN unit. Afterwards, the KATSUHIRO (TSUNAN) TSUKIOKA unit will usually start a newspaper denouncing the government, and also regularly supply your SANOSUKE SAGARA with incredibly over-powered hand-grenades.
KAROU KAMIYA: Assistant master to Kamiya Kasshin Style and owner of Kamiya Kasshin Dojo. She puts up with SANOSUKE SAGARA as much as possible, but will often lash out at the nearest unit when faced with SANOSUKE SAGARA's constant mooching of money and free meals. Other units may be damaged in the crossfire.
YAHIKO: Small and aggressive. When not taken seriously by SANOSUKE SAGARA unit (which is often), YAHIKO units will retaliate by sprouting fangs and gnawing on the top of the offending SANOSUKE SAGARA unit's head. This, however, does not hurt the hard-headed SANOSUKE SAGARA, and can be ignored.
SHISHIO: Mummy-like in appearance, smells like overcooked sausage. Your SANOSUKE SAGARA unit will try to challenge the SHISHIO unit to a fight, but due to the SHISHIO's highly volatile fighting skills, it is recommended you keep a MEGUMI TEKANI on standbye to deal with the injuries to the SANOSUKE SAGARA unit that will result.
The SANOSUKE SAGARA unit is capable of cleaning himself once you introduce him to the marvels of modern plumbing. However, if you wish to continue assisting him afterwards…please notify the nearest Licensed Fan-Fiction Writer for any needed personality adjustments to your SANOSUKE SAGARA.
When drying your SANOSUKE SAGARA, use a large towel and rub dry. Do not tumble-dry unit. Do not leave unit on clothesline to dry. Do not dry-clean unit, as he will not appreciate it.
Your SANOSUKE SAGARA requires daily servings of food in order to function. He is willing to eat almost anything, especially if it is free of charge. However, your SANOSUKE SAGARA is quite likely to go to a nearby restaurant, eat, start a big fight, and then use the aftermath of the fight to escape paying for his meal. He is also more than likely to mooch off of you whenever you go to a restaurant as well.
Frequently Asked Questions:
Q: Even though my RUROUNI KENSHIN unit broke my SANOSUKE SAGARA's Zanbatou, he's still running amuck as Zanza, Fighter-For-Hire. Several of my friends have been beaten up by him, but what's really weird is that my SANOSUKE SAGARA isn't charging me any money, even though all my friends are total wimps! What's up with that?
A: Oh my. It sounds like your RUROUNI KENSHIN screwed up and cut your SANOSUKE SAGARA's Zanbatou in half lengthwise, instead of widthwise. Cutting it the wrong way causes a malfunction in the SANOSUKE SAGARA 'Fighter-For-Hire Programming', which is why he's not charging you money. To fix this problem, make certain your RUROUNI KENSHIN cuts the rest of the Zanbatou in half the right way next time.
Q: When I opened my box, instead of a rooster-headed fist fighter that wears a red headband and white clothes, I got a skinny guy with slicked-back black hair, a weird uniform, and a red headband. Oh, and he's kind of transparent. What did I get?
A: Okay, now you must have ordered yours through an illegal Chinese database. The CAPTAIN SAGARA unit is still in the earliest testing stages, for pity's sake! We will be sending a retrieval team to your house right away. To insure you do not attempt to keep your illegally ordered CAPTAIN SAGARA unit, we will be sending over the also-early-testing-stage SEKIHOU ARMY FIRST UNIT, who will stop at nothing to save their CAPTAIN SAGARA. And no, you can't keep the LITTLE SANOSUKE that comes with the FIRST UNIT.
Q: My SANOSUKE SAGARA's gone bald! And his bald head is kind of rubbed smooth…what did I do wrong?
A: If you didn't put lye into his shampoo…then ask yourself this question - How Many YAHIKO Units Do I Own? Too many YAHIKO's gnawing on your SANOSUKE SAGARA's head is the leading cause of SANOSUKE SAGARA baldness. Buy him a wig and get rid of some of those YAHIKOs.
Q: I sent my SANOSUKE SAGARA out to run an errand, and he hasn't come back yet!
A: Oy…unfortunately, unless your SANOSUKE SAGARA is off gambling your money away - which is completely possible, mind you - then he's lost. This is a common occurrence, due to the SANOSUKE SAGARA's lack of a sense of direction. I'd start up a search party if I were you.
Problem: You took your RUROUNI KENSHIN and went out to visit some friends, leaving your SANOSUKE SAGARA behind. When you came back, you discovered a huge hole in your wall, and your SANOSUKE SAGARA was lying in a pool of his own blood.
Solution: Your SANOSUKE SAGARA unit has just been introduced to a HAJIME SAITO unit that was incognito. A MEGUMI TEKANI unit should be fully able to patch up your SANOSUKE SAGARA unit.
Problem: Your SANOSUKE SAGARA can no longer fight with his right arm.
Solution: Unfortunately, this is a common problem for many SANOSUKE SAGARA units, do to their overuse of certain techniques, combined with a poor defense. Very expensive surgery to restore the damaged bones in the hand of your SANOSUKE SAGARA is always an option…
Problem: After many years of happy companionship, your SANOSUKE SAGARA has skipped town.
Solution: This is oftentimes the fate of SANOSUKE SAGARA. He punches out a police officer, or is falsely accused of a crime, and therefore leaves not only town, but usually also the country as well. You should expect postcards from Singapore in few months.
With proper care and maintenance, your SANOSUKE SAGARA will lead a full and happy life while living under your roof. His warranty is good for up to three hundred thousand miles or five hundred thousand fights, whichever comes first. If, at any point you can't stand to have him mooching off you anymore, we recommend you pretend to go broke and move to a different city under an assumed name, as SANOSUKE SAGARA is one of our most stubborn units.