If Wishes Were Goodbyes
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Duh.
Summary: From the day of her birth, there have been several constants in Nymphadora Tonks' life: her parents, her cousin Sirius, & Remus Lupin. After a very heated argument with Remus, Tonks does something she later comes to regret. Very, very AU. Begins spring of OOTP. RL&NT Remus/Tonks. AU.
Author's Note: This story was began in 2005. I did not ever give up on the story, but it has taken me a long time to get to the point where I felt I had the distance necessary to complete it. Distance was necessary because, as I have said elsewhere, after the publication of Order of the Phoenix, a bitter taste developed in my mouth that never went away. I started hating the plot of the series from the death of Sirius forward. I based this story on my interpretations of Remus' and Tonks' characterizations up through the first half of Order of the Phoenix. Then the last two books came out, and they sucked very, very badly in my humble opinion. The movies echoed this in their casting of certain characters… not that I have any problem with actors like Gary Oldman or David Thewlis, for example, but the Sirius, Remus, and Tonks of the movies were not like how I pictured them in any way, shape, or form. The characters of the movies (and last two books) just didn't feel right. Sirius lost his sense of humor, charm, and nobility. Remus lost his strength, tenacity, and depth (he never, ever should have approached being as wishy-washy whiny individual he morphed into), and I failed to see any of the noble complexity and classiness in Tonks that was hinted at in OOTP. I was surfing YouTube a few days ago, and if you search for the user LeaLPotter and for her mvid "The Story of Remus Lupin II – Nymphadora Tonks" that is a much closer representation of what I think spot on characterizations of the likes of Remus and Tonks can be.
All of my displeasure lead me to take a very long hiatus from the story. Now, however, I think I have forgotten (read: chosen not to purposely remember) the specific details that got me so turned off to the world of Harry Potter, and I am left remembering the good. To maintain that (and to allow me to complete this story at long last) for the purposes of this story's universe, consider it AU up until the beginning of Order of the Phoenix. Anything that occurs from book #5 forward does not exist in this story's universe with happy, happy, and joyously deliberate intent.
Please note: negative or snarky comments, flames, or petty jibs will be simply ignored. If you don't like the universe that this series represents, turn back now, for here be dragons.
For those who are interested, I have already posted a sequel of sorts that is completed. The link is in my fanfiction dot net profile under my other list of published stories. Interested as to what eventually happens to Tonks and Remus in my story's universe? Go click on the link entitled "Explaining Wishes Before Saying Goodbye."
Also, my apologies if you are just now coming to this story… the formatting on chapters 1-10 is wonky to say the least… page breaks disappeared and more than a few pesky typos are present. At this point in time, I don't have the files accessible to go back and do easy fixes, so as I said, I'm sorry if the earlier chapters are annoying to read. Hopefully the last few chapters will help to make up for the issues of the earlier ones.
And now, without further ado….
Epilogue, Part II – His Thoughts
Several days later, Remus, much improved both physically, mentally, and emotionally… and mostly in complete control of his faculties, sat once more with Dora leaned up against him as they cuddled on the couch… he with the latest copy of the Daily Prophet, and she with a copy of Witches' Weekly. While Tonks was actually reading, Remus wasn't really paying attention to the newspaper in his hands. Several moments passed before Tonks' voice interrupted his thoughts.
"It must take you a bloody long time to read those historical books of yours, Remus, if you have to spend six or seven minutes to get through a single page of the Daily Prophet," Tonks murmured.
Remus chuckled. "I'm caught, huh?"
Tonks nodded. "I could hear your brain's gears turning all the way over here…. Wotcher, Remus? What's got your hamster in a tizzy?"
Remus chuckled again at Tonks' wording. However, his chuckle masked a slight shift to more serious things as Remus's hand came to Tonks' shoulder. He gentlely caressed the red spot of skin that was still slightly irritated.
Tonks looked at the gesture and then frowned. "That? Again?" Tonks asked, annoyance and exasperation evident in her voice.
"I'm sorry," Remus apologized yet again. "I just can't help fixating on it since I don't know *why*."
Throwing her magazine down, Tonks stared at Remus with an annoyed look evident on her face. "Sometimes, Remus, for being such a smart bloke, you're incredibly oblivious."
"And why is that, Dora?"
"Because, you silly git… you bit me…"
"Yes, I bit you," Remus said seriously. "Therein, within the scope of three words, you have captured the terror that has threatened to overwhelm me for years… the idea that I might bite someone I love."
"But you didn't draw blood, Remus," Tonks said, annoyance giving way to tenderness. "Doesn't that tell you something?"
"No," Remus said. "Just like it hasn't the past three times you've tried to explain it to me."
"All right," Tonks said. "Well, let's try for number four."
Remus shrugged, and Tonks continued.
"Even when you were feeling at your most vulnerable, the most out of control you've ever felt," Tonks pressed, "at a moment when the wolf could have seized control if he'd wanted to…"
"He didn't," Tonks said simply. "Yes, you bit me… in a moment of passionate need, you bit me, but you didn't draw blood. You didn't infect me, Remus. You didn't hurt me. And the reason you didn't is because *you never would*." She paused before she said, "I know you've been scared of this happening since Lily, but you said it yourself… I'm different than she is… was. You never have to worry about losing control with me because I know you won't hurt me… I know you won't bite me and infect me with lycanthropy."
"But the wolf-," Remus began.
Waving her hand in exasperation, "Come on, Remus, stop chanting those same words like the bloody mantra you've made them into… the wolf is you, you're the wolf, and both of you would never hurt me." She paused before she said, "You remember how you told me I was just going to have to trust you that we would work things out because you just *knew*… instinctually, that things would turn out okay between us?"
"Well, this time it's your turn to have a little faith in me… because I just *know*…." Tonks said. She then narrowed her eyes, and said somewhat seriously, but in a lighter tone… "If you want to apologize for something, then you could say you were sorry for why I had the lump at the back of my head… and some other… muscle strains…. Because *those* were your fault."
Remus blushed a little, and murmured, "You know I've already apologized a hundred times for the haste… and the harshness of what happened, Dora… but I might add, it wasn't like you didn't give almost as good as you got."
A wicked glint came into her eyes. Remus felt the shift again, and realizing he was game for a spot of fun, he shifted to meet Tonks. "I still think we might need to even the score, Remus," Tonks said slowly… measuring each word with a thrill traveling down her spine.
*Merlin,* she thought, *the things this man could do to me with a single glance….*
And more than receptive to her overture, Remus tossed the copy of the newspaper he was still holding behind him. Yes, there would be other arguments, other battles to be waged between the pair in the future. Two strong personalities such as them couldn't exist in peaceful contentment for long. But, for now, just for now, they would enjoy what they could before fear of losing control pulled Remus back. It was still a notion he was getting used to… trusting Tonks' enough to share his burden with her.
All the angry words between the pair lay forgotten as the greeted each other once again as lovers, and Tonks smiled with a nod as they both, at last, had come to realize that goodbyes are so unnecessary. Sometimes, just sometimes, there are certain things that are better left unsaid.