Author's Note: Okay, so I'm supposed to have sent this to James Milamber for beta'ing, but I was entirely too impatient and I just had to get it up.
Sorry, James. I'm bad! Very, very bad! –raps self on knuckles-
Now that I am thoroughly chastised, enjoy the article. I did. ;)
Harry Potter, A History
The Secret Life of Harry Potter
Ginny Weasley Reports.
Since the Dawn of Time (or at least since 1989), people have wondered about the Secret Life of Harry Potter.
Granted, most of this wondering has occurred after one spots him on the street and sees how deliciously ogle worthy he is (and This Author will admit to deem him good enough to even be ogle-icious; but the sha Harry is faced with his two greatest enemies. me of printing something like "ogle-icious" was just too much, and This Author had to cut it out during the edit. Just know, all you ladies who haven't had the opportunity of catching a glimpse of All That Is Harry, that he is definitely ogle-icious).
And now, This Author is very proud to announce that your very own Quibbler has scored an exclusive interview with said ogle worthy (ogle-icious is only for parenthesis; you understand), heroic, rich, charming, lovable, unbelievably green-eyed bachelor.
Well, I think it is safe to say that This Author has her ways of convincing one Mr. Harry Potter into doing things that he wouldn't normally do.
So now I will commence with my article, but you must all realize that it is only to be read on one condition. There can be no hate mail, no stalking, no attacking, and especially no mauling. Because mauling is not only Bad For One's Figure, but also Rather Painful.
Now, on with the story!
This Author must begin the tale of Harry Potter's life not, in fact, with Harry Potter, but with ten redheads living in Ottery St. Catchpole, two of the ten already at Hogwarts; one desperately trying to get himself up to seventh-year level in case by some phenomenon the teachers are all rot; two are happy not to be confined by something as rotten as school, but glad to be free to experiment with the pranks that would eventually found a Legacy; and one a bit oblivious to it all, because he is so young and really only cares about the Chudley Cannons and getting his first broomstick. Now, the tenth, the last child, is where our story begins. She was the only girl, aside from her mother, and she was, of course, very, very attractive, even for a toddler. If I do say so myself.
GW: Tell me about your first Halloween.
HP: Well … you were born.
GW: And it was the most exciting moment of many peoples' lives. But we're talking about you.
HP: I know. The most important moment of my life was when you were born.
GW: Harry, are you trying to get me fired?!
HP: All right. All right. Halloween. Well, while you were being born I was having his parents brutally murdered, myself attacked, my Godfather falsely accused so that he would spend twelve innocent years in Hell, my father's remaining best friend ruined because of all the loss, my betrayer turned into a rat for the next twelve years, my life uprooted so that I could move in with my dreadful Muggle relatives. In fact, life generally just sucked.
So on the night that our pretty, perfect little girl was being born, Harry Potter was having a Pretty Bad Night. In fact, I think it's safe to say that it was one of, if not the, Worst Nights Of His Life.
And so began years of Heroic Deeds and Courageous Adventures, leading up until three years ago when, standing at the Final Battle, Harry Potter destroyed Voldemort and freed the Wizarding World from his Diabolical Superiority Complex.
But let's be serious. This is Witch Weekly, not the Daily Prophet, and we're more interested in Gossip and Romantic Misadventures than any sort of world-changing battlefronts.
GW: It's been noticed by the public that in recent years you've been mysteriously without a Leading Lady. Do you have any comments on this?
HP: Well, actually, yes. I've been trying to do something about that. In fact, I've got a little scoop for all of your readers. . .
Harry Potter than said the words that will affirm my career as a journalist: he is, I'm sorry to admit, No Longer A Bachelor.
That's right, Ladies. Harry Potter is - gasp! - TAKEN. Off The Market, Very Much in Love, Tied to his Ball and Chain, whatever other choice phrase you might use. In fact, he's . . .
SINCE WHEN? You wonder. An interesting question, to be sure. He is engaged as of the forty-fifth second of the eleventh minute of the tenth hour of the fifth day of the third month.
In other words, since 10:11 this morning.
You see, Harry Potter was sitting at the kitchen table, waiting quite patiently for This Author to come downstairs to give the interview, when someone descended the steps.
Oddly enough, Harry Potter fell in love. The girl he fell in love with was still wearing her pajamas, her hair was mussed, and her eyes blurry. She was wearing her ancient piggy-slippers, and there was a coffee stain on the bottom of her shirt.
She fell into the chair beside the Utterly Smitten green-eyed toad. (Another story for another time.) She poured herself some cereal and smiled blearily.
And then Harry Potter proposed.
Now, I know what you're thinking. How unromantic! How uncouth! But Harry has never been one for playing by the rules, and by general law he's a Little Awkward.
Yes, I know. It's all very sad. But This Author is working on it, and she guarantees results.
HP: Good morning. Could you pass the cereal? Thanks. Uhm. I'm in love with you, and I don't know how you feel about it, but I don't want to live any longer without you as a significant part of my life. And I know you so well, I don't feel like we have to even date to know it's right, because I already know. Will you marry me?
Naturally, this woman he had just proposed to was a bit shocked. Was he kidding? Was he trying to be suave and get her to sleep with him? (Oh, how Jaded the woman is!)
Turns out, he wasn't kidding or trying to be suave. He even produced a ring (although one might wonder why he carried around an engagement ring when he was neither attached or looking…) and got on one knee.
And, because the woman he proposed to isn't a Complete and Utter Idiot, could tell a Good Thing when she saw it, and also happened to be Madly In Love with him (but then, aren't we all?), she said yes.
Or at least, a variation of yes. It might have been something more like: "Uhm. Okay."
Fortunately, the woman isn't Horribly Romantic, either. They're a good match.
Who, you may ask, is Harry Potter engaged to? Well, I'll tell you.
Yes, Ladies and Gentlemen, This Author is proud to announce that she is engaged to Harry James Potter. I know how angry you all must be, what with the sudden loss of such a dishy fellow, but I'm sure you'll move on and Find Yourself a Man.
Now the only problem is telling my boyfriend. Some part of me thinks that he won't be too pleased.
But Ladies, I don't plan on leaving you completely in the dark about Harry Potter's Secret Life. I will even go so far as to answer the Eternal Question!
Harry Potter is . . .
HP: Boxers. Definitely boxers.
And as for how I figured that one out…well, we are engaged, after all.