Well, this is a new thing I'm trying. This is a fic making fun of clichés in the fanfics of today. I'll hit everything from Ron and Hermione to slash; from songfics to whatever pops into my mind. If you have any requests of something you'd like me to put in the fic then by all means, please put it in your review and I'll be happy to add it.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of J.K. Rowling's characters and I receive no money for writing this.
Please do not be offended by anything you read in this fic. I'm making fun of myself in some ways too because as a fanfic writer myself, I know how helpful plot devices can be.
All My Fanfics
Chapter 1: The sexy chapter
Hermione lay on her bed quietly admiring her beautifully French manicured two-inch long nails. Her super curly hair was now permanently straightened by a spell that she had not been able to discover until the summer after her sixth year at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. She sat up and adjusted her "You suck and that's sad" Happy Bunny t-shirt over her huge boobs. She'd amazingly gone from a B-cup to a C-cup in just a week and none of her shirts seemed to fit anymore. She was well on her way to a D-cup and in no time she'd have to have her bras specially made. If she decided she needed to wear one eventually.
She closed her trunk and dragged it downstairs. Her father said nothing as he silently drove his daughter to King's Cross station. This was either because the authors can't form a personality for Mr. Granger because he's not in the books often enough, or he was mute and hadn't spoken in six years.
Hermione saw her best friends, Harry and Ron. They were running…okay, okay, sprinting vicariously toward Platform 9¾. They were about a hundred yards away but they thought they should get a head start. Hermione began to jog steadily toward them with her breasts bouncing painfully.
She met them in a compartment on the train and yelled, "Geez! You could've waited for me! It's not easy to run in high heels, tight jeans, a too-small shirt, a thong, and no bra!"
"Well, sooooorry," Ron mumbled. He and Harry smiled.
They had definitely matured in body if not mind. (Here comes the inevitable line!) Quidditch had really done them good. They were tall, sexy, handsome, sexy, muscled, and did I mention sexy?
Hermione bit her lip as Ron ran a hand through his sexy red hair. He turned around and bent over for no apparent reason. Hermione reached her hand out and was two centimeters away from grabbing his incredibly sexy ass when he suddenly jerked back up. Hermione's hand snapped back to her lap. Her lip was bleeding slightly.
"So how was your summer, 'Mione?" Harry asked, as Ron sat down beside him. He used the obvious nickname that would be used if Hermione had a nickname. Although in the books the only nickname that she ever came close to having was "Hermy."
"I didn't do anything but get this gorgeous tan, straighten my hair, and develop these huge mammograms!" she answered. "What did you do?"
"Just lifted weights and played Quidditch so I could get this awesome bod!" Harry replied flexing his muscles.
"Same here," Ron stated lifting his shirt so she could see his six-pack.
Hermione moaned and dug her claw-like fingernails into the cushion of the seat. Over the summer her hormones had kicked in and she found just the appearance of teenage male boys extremely arousing. All of the sudden, Crookshanks meowed. Somehow, Hermione had completely ignored the fact that she had a pet and would have left the cat if it hadn't hitchhiked its way to the train station. She petted him and yawned.
She was calmly examining Ron's sexy sexiness when the compartment door swung open. The eerily sexy Draco Malfoy and his not-so-sexy friends Crabbe and Goyle entered. Draco was now good because there's no way that anyone can write anything about him unless he's been convinced over to the good side. He may even be a spy. Let's continue and find out.
Hermione was instantly aroused. Draco's formally hardened gelled hair was now soft and flowing and it hung down over his gorgeous icy cold eyes. Hermione crossed her legs and held them together tightly. Just looking at that sexy Slytherin beast made her close to the brink of orgasm.
"What do you want Malfoy?" Harry snapped. He stood up.
"And what do you think you're going to?" Malfoy said. He flicked his head back in slow motion making his sexy blonde hair flip around sexily.
Hermione fell off of her seat. "Good God!" she yelped. She was beginning to ache with horniness.
"I'm going to fight you!" Harry yelled.
"Yeah, well bring it!" Draco shouted. He had suddenly developed some courage over the past few minutes which was either due to his own muscles matching that of Harry's or the extreme amount of marijuana he'd consumed. Ron jumped up beside Harry and pulled up his pants (which were about five times too big). Crabbe and Goyle cracked their knuckles but didn't say anything because they aren't important enough to have anything to say.
"This isn't right!" Hermione screamed. They all stared at her. "You can't fight!" she yelped whilst bouncing.
It took the boys a few seconds to realize what she had said because they were all staring at her boobs.
"Why not?" Ron asked.
"Because you're not covered in mud!" she said.
They were going to protest but the train came to a screeching halt. The three Slytherins were flung out of the compartment and the door slammed behind them. Hermione grabbed her pussy (Crookshanks) and was the first out of the door. Ron and Harry followed.
When they entered the Great Hall they saw Professor McGonagall carrying the three-legged stool wearing the Sorting Hat to the front of the room. Hermione took her seat next to Ron. This made him very happy. She made a point of bending over in front of him before sitting down.
A long line of first years entered in single file and stood nervously in front of the Great Hall and all of the students. The Sorting Hat erected and came to life. It began to sing.
"I'm quite old and limp
Viagra won't do the trick
I used to be quite the pimp
Now I'm never the pick
But now you're here
And you're sure to get laid
Don't have a fear
Most don't expect to get paid
You might belong in brave Gryffindor
Where you will be well accepted
You're sure to find a slut or whore
Bondage ain't a problem, so be perceptive
Maybe it'll be clever Ravenclaw
Where they will teach you well
Karma Sutra is considered a law
They're all clean as far as we can tell
Possibly you're a loyal Hufflepuff
Role play is important though
Sex toys, feathers, a vibrator and stuff
The most you'll hear is "OOOOH!"
Though it could be ambitious Slytherin
Hot and bothered all the time
Those girls are likely to pull you in
And a minute man you won't find
So let me see
How kinky you are
Put your head in me
Hope you get far."
Then the hat became limp again. Professor McGonagall called out the names of the new students in alphabetical order and they were sorted into the appropriate houses. When everyone was seated, Professor Dumbledore stood up and got everyone's attention.
"Welcome, students!" he said happily. "Our new year has begun! As you may already know, I've picked the Head Boy and Girl for this year. Head Girl is obviously Hermione Granger." Hermione arched her back and pushed her chest up so everyone could see her Head Girl badge gleaming on her shirt. The girls filed their nails and ignored her but the boys clapped loudly and stared at the badge in admiration. Professor Dumbledore continued, "And our Head boy is Draco Malfoy. The boys' jaw dropped in anger and the girls squealed with glee and/or arousal as Draco flipped his hair in slow motion. "Now, as everyone knows (although it's never ever been brought up before and never even been eluded to) the Head Girl and Boy share a dormitory so they will be able to 'work more efficiently.'" He said these last words while making quotation marks in the air with his fingers and winking.
Dumbledore said other things that weren't really important and they ate food and talked.
Hermione showed the first years and all the other years to the Gryffindor Common Room. Everyone except Harry, Ron, and Hermione went to their dorms. Hermione sighed and said, "I'm really going to miss this place."
"Yeah," Harry said. "But you can come back anytime me and Ron want you to."
"Don't you mean anytime I want to?" Hermione asked.
"No," Harry said simply. He turned and walked up the boys' staircase.
Ron stared at her. She stared back. Ron stared at her breasts. She stared at his pants. Suddenly, Ron sexily lunged at her and connected their mouths. Hermione moaned and kissed him back. After a sexy five minutes Hermione realized she couldn't breathe so she pulled away. "I've got to go," she said sadly. Ron licked his lips and nodded.
She turned and crawled out of the portrait hole. When she reached the dormitory that she and Draco would be sharing she paused and braced herself. Taking a deep breath, she pushed the door open and stepped in. She saw a nice little Common Room with a warm fire burning in the fireplace. Draco was laying sexily on the couch in a position that of Fabio on the cover of a Romance novel. He was wearing nothing but silver and green silk boxers.
Hermione's breath caught in her chest as she stared at the sexy Slytherin. He was so…sexy. She felt the familiar feeling of wanting and ache between her legs as she stared at his sexiness. She braced herself again and closed the door. She decided to just ignore the sexy bastard and go to her room. She made it all the way to the door and was about to open it when Draco spoke.
"Going to bed so early?" he asked sexily.
Hermione crumpled to the floor in near orgasm and moaned. "No," she squeaked.
"Then come sit beside me," he said. He patted the place beside him on the couch. She thought for a moment then decided to obey him. She had to crawl to the couch though because she didn't think her vagina would allow her to stand. When she reached the couch she pulled herself up and sat beside him, making sure her legs were crossed.
"Can I ask you something?" Draco drawled in a sexy way.
Hermione whimpered, pushed her legs closer together in pain, and nodded.
"Are you a virgin?" he asked abruptly.
"Yeah," she whispered. "Who would I have slept with?"
"Ew!" she shrieked. "I didn't really like him. But I was only a A-cup then and I knew no one else would ask me."
Draco's eyes immediately went to her breasts. He licked his lips. She saw him do this and fell off the couch. She climbed back up and looked at Draco. He leaned into her sexily and put his hand on her knee. He leaned closer and his hand went up to her thigh. Hermione held her breath. His hand was moving closer and closer up. She couldn't breathe. Draco's mouth was close enough to bite her lip. But she didn't know what to do. But, because she couldn't breathe, she had no choice but to pass out.
Please review! I don't know how much I like this. It's okay. But tell me if I should continue or not.