I Need To Get This Out…
Disclaimer: I do not own Yu-Gi-Oh or its characters in any way, shape or form. If I did, then I wouldn't have to do this…
Hopefully, you enjoy the musings of these two characters.
I need to get this out. I need to write about what I'm feeling before the moment is gone. If I don't do it soon, I'm going to go absolutely Bonkers. With a capital B! It's taken me a long time to figure this out but I've come to a true and earth-shattering conclusion.
Sorry if this starts to get weird, Diary, but my thoughts are kind of all over the place about him. May as well start with that revelation anyways.
I have a crush on a guy. A really good guy. A guy I could think seriously about falling in love with. Hell, I think it's already happened.
But the problem is he doesn't know it. I know, I know that's how a crush is supposed to work. I'm supposed to pine away in silence and misery, sighing longingly every time I see him, while he carries on as if he doesn't have a clue about it.
Wait, wait for it, it gets worse, trust me. Big drum roll here, please.
I can't tell him how I feel because I don't know if he feels the same way.
It all started out innocently enough. A mutual love for cartoons, believe it or not. Inuyasha cartoons to be exact. I never would have figured him as the type when I first met him. He was all about his business, the cards and duelling but slowly, somehow, that changed.
Oh, so you want to know how this all started? You want the dish for this part? All right then, well, here goes.
It all started a couple of months ago when I went to school early one morning. I needed to finish a math assignment and I had forgotten to bring my textbook home the night before. Figured it would be easy enough to finish just before math class started, since math is one of my favourite subjects. Should have known HE would be there, my future crush. But at that moment, to me, he was just a jerk. An arrogant, cold, heartless CEO too interested in his business and his duelling skills to ever stoop down long enough from his pedestal to say anything to me.
Anyways, getting back to the story, I walked into the classroom that fateful morning, humming something to myself and stopped dead in my tracks. I knew he was always at school early, but I never knew how early. It was about 7 am and seeing as how class didn't start until 8:15, I hadn't expected anyone to be there. Surprise, surprise. He didn't even look up and it was then that I noticed the ear buds in his ears. Probably listening to something on the laptop that was propped open in front of him. Couldn't even hear me as I made for my desk. I sat behind him and a row over in this class. Dumping my bag on my desk, he still didn't know there was another person in the room. A quick peak at his monitor over his shoulder and I was stunned. He was watching an episode of Inuyasha.
And now it gets weird, Diary. Very weird.
He laughed. Out loud. Not a chuckle or a guffaw but a true, honest to goodness, heartfelt laugh. The walls reverberated the sound of that laughter and you want to know something, Diary? It sounded nice. Complete and utter shock rooted me in place as I heard him chuckle under his breath once more.
Seto Kaiba, CEO of KaibaCorp, was laughing at Miroku's attempted seduction of Sango.
For as long as I've known him, I've never seen him appear to be so… so… human. His blue eyes weren't so cold and his soft looking mouth wasn't set in its usual arrogant grimace. I really think that's when these feelings started.
Since I sat behind him and a row over, I made no attempt to hide my presence as I searched through my bag for my math binder. Another quick glance at his computer screen was my undoing. He caught me staring at him but the funny thing is, he was blushing just as badly as I was. The surprise and embarrassment both of us felt seemed to melt the ever-present tension between. That's what it felt like to me, anyways. I'm not psychic enough to read what's going on in his head. A moment later and his guard was back up. I could see it in his eyes, the set of his lips and the slight clenching of his fist as he regarded me.
"Quit staring, Gardner. Or haven't you realized that it's rude?" That sarcastic voice dripped malice and I knew then and there that I'd hit a nerve by catching him in that relaxed state. Obviously, he didn't realize that I knew he was human. All work and no play makes Kaiba a dull boy.
Those were the only words he said to me that day; although I could feel the daggers his eyes threw in my direction just before lunchtime. The next morning I came in at the same time and found him in the exact same position, laptop open and his ear buds jacked in, as the day before. The only difference was that he noticed me when I walked through the door. Picked up on the hesitation that I felt before I strode over to my desk. Something flickered across his eyes too quick for me to catch but I swear it looked like amusement. Was he happy that I had shown up early again?
"Inuyasha again?" I quipped softly to myself. He must have heard me somehow as he spun around in his seat and fixed me with his icy/hot gaze.
"Do you have something against my leisure time activities, Gardner?" Something in the way he said my name made me blush and stare at the floor, my hands dry-washing in front of me. I hadn't meant that comment to be heard. Maybe he was the psychic one? Whatever. The main point was that his voice had been different, a little softer, less controlled.
"No, I don't. It's just nice to see that Duel Monsters isn't your only leisure time activity." His eyes narrowed slightly as I lifted mine to his. He was probably trying to figure out if I was being serious or sarcastic. Well, let him ponder that, I thought and sat down at my desk, pulling out my English book. I stared at the back of his head for the rest of the morning, inconspicuously, over the edge of my book.
An unspoken agreement rose up between us for the next week or two. I can't quite remember how long it lasted. All I knew was that I was at school everyday by 7 am. The minute I walked into the classroom, I'd put my stuff down and when I turned around to face the seat he occupied, he'd be looking at me with those blue eyes of his and wordlessly hand me a set of ear buds so I could listen with him. But at the first hint of movement in the hallway, the ear buds were relinquished and I quietly slipped back to my seat.
Not a single word ever passed between us, written or spoken, on those mornings.
Not a 'hello' or a 'thanks' or anything until that Friday.
The routine continued that morning. With my bags already on my desk, I waited for the ear buds to be passed to me. Instead, I was handed a small notebook and a pen. Two words were written on that page.
Let me tell you, Diary, that startled the hell out of me. Threw me off balance. But it pleased me too. A warm, fuzzy feeling grew out of the pit of my stomach as I took the little black book out of his hands and our fingers touched. I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing as I saw the faintest of blushes creep onto his cheeks.
So I gave him my number. Who knows, I thought, maybe he will actually call me. I seem to be the only one in our little group that he doesn't deliberately antagonize. And our little Inuyasha meetings in the morning had grown to be quite comfortable, even without us speaking to each other.
Those early morning gatherings were one thing that the guys didn't know anything about. And I was going to keep it that way. Call me self-centred, call me selfish but they just wouldn't understand. They were constantly berating him, well Joey was at least and Tristan would chime in his two cents worth every once in a while. Yugi and I would hold our peace and let Joey vent. In my opinion, it was better for him to get it out than to keep it bottled up inside where it could fester into him doing something stupid just to prove a point.
That night, the phone rang at 9 pm on the dot. Somehow, someway, I knew it was him. Seto Kaiba. The phone rang once more so I took a deep breath and answered it. That's how this whole, crazy, scary, wonderful, amazing thing happened. That's the dish, Diary, and I'm still no closer to how I'm going to resolve my feelings for him.
He's called me every night for the last two months. Nine pm on the dot. Sometimes, it's just to say good night and other times we'll talk til three or four in the morning in hushed, whispery voices. Hushed on my part at least. I don't think my parents would be too thrilled if they ever found out about this. There was school to think about.
We never mentioned these talks in school. In fact, we practically ignored each other when Yugi, Joey and Tristan were around. A glance or a small flick of his fingers in my direction was enough to let me know that he noticed me, that I existed to him as no one else did.
I just wish there was more to us than just existence. Every night since that first phone call, I've dreamed about him holding me, kissing me, touching me til I'm ready to weep with frustration. I've lost count of the number of mornings I've woken up still feeling the ghostly press of his lips on mine.
The saddest part of this whole stupid situation is that I don't think I'm strong enough to tell him how I feel. He is one of the best things in my life outside of my circle of friends. They still don't like him very much even though he's not quite as glacial and sarcastic as he used to be. They can't see beyond his cold, mocking exterior to the lonely little boy within, the part of him he lets me glimpse occasionally when we're on the phone together. That's why we still ignore each other at school.
I'd be a fool to ruin the tenuous ground we're treading on by proclaiming my feelings for him. Just like the phone number incident, I'm going to wait for him to make the first move. That's the smartest move, for me. Or is it?
Great! Now, I'm second-guessing myself. They say you only get one chance at happiness. Opportunity knocks once. What if this is mine? Am I being foolish in not telling him? I know that sometimes he looks at me differently. There's an intensity in that particular gaze that's made me wonder more than once what's going through his head at that particular moment. It's given me hope more than once. On those nights, I'd wait impatiently for the clock to reach 9 pm and I'd jump 10 feet into the air when the phone rang at the first gong of the clock downstairs. I wondered if tonight he'd talk about why he looked at me that way. But he never did.
If he'd asked me on those nights that single question, I wouldn't have hesitated in answering 'Yes'. Hell, the words wouldn't have been out of his mouth before I'd answer.
Oh, diary, I'm so confused. I just want to let it all out and confess how I feel. Do you think he'd hate me if I did, considering what we've shared over the last couple of months? Hmm, maybe I should stop being so scared and just…
RING RING RING
It's 9 pm. Gotta go…
"Hello, Téa? I… have a question to ask you…"
Well, now we know how she feels…
What about him?
Yes, there will be a second chapter. It's a one-shot in two parts.
Author's Note: This was a crazy little one shot that was inspired by my friend, flyinggoomba, after we got off the phone one night. I had to get this out of my head. The idea was driving ME bonkers. And chapter 6 for Christmas Chaos will be out in the next couple of weeks, too. Sorry for the wait. The plot bunny has switched the to-kill-ya to rum.
Please review and tell me whether you like or hate it. Anyways, thanks for everything…