A Weiss Kreuz fanfiction by laila
Author's notes: … and now for something completely different. I make absolutely no excuses for the rampant insanity present in this story, but I'm writing it mainly as an antidote to the heavy, heavy angst I'm having to deal with in 'Seuche' at the moment. I've wanted to write a fic like this for a long time, but always hung fire because I needed an Overly Contrived Reason to set up the plot. Sadly for the world I finally had a good idea for how to approach this fic on the way into college one morning, spent the whole day making notes on it rather than taking notes in lectures, and… well, here we are.
Warnings: Strong language (and a lot of it), debatable shounen-ai, violence and cross-dressing. This is a comedy.
Part 1: My Fair Lady
It seems hard to credit, but I was actually glad when Omi said he'd finally managed to pin Ogawa down. Glad. Call me stupid if you want but at the time that's really how I felt. I wouldn't have done if I'd had any idea what Omi was planning, of course, but he didn't tell me. All he said was he'd figured out a way we could get the guy and that was long overdue.
We'd been on this mission far too long as it was given how bloody simple it was supposed to be and if it hadn't been for the main target, this one guy Shougo Ogawa, being the royal paranoiac he was we'd have had it sewn neatly up and over with ages ago. Sadly for us, it wasn't and he was. Basically Ogawa suspected someone was out to get him and that made him kind of antsy. Not to mention hard to pin down. This is a guy who's so obsessed he won't even go to the same goddam grocery store more than once in a blue moon. Given the kind of stuff he's involved with I can't say this is any surprise, but that doesn't make it any less irritating.
Meanwhile Manx was getting impatient, Aya was getting frustrated and I was getting seriously pissed. Aya's a complete bitch when he's angry and he was taking it out on me. I gave as good as I got, of course, but I can't glare like Aya. Who can?
Being on the receiving end of the Icy Glare of Death twenty-four hours a day was really beginning to grate by the time Omi said he'd finally managed to find a place Ogawa goes to regularly where we can be guaranteed a decent shot at taking him down. Long story short, almost anything sounds like a better idea than waiting around and getting glared into an early grave by Aya so I'm glad to hear it. Anything that stops Aya ignoring me for the best part of two days just because I tripped in the store sounds good to me. It wasn't my fault Sakura got in my way, was it?
That was before Omi started talking, though. The longer he went on for, the more certain I was getting that he wasn't telling me everything. He was leaving out something very important. I hate it when people do that. I don't like being kept in the dark and certainly not by my own goddamn teammates.
So that's the situation. A paranoid target, a pissed employer and the four of us in the basement where Omi's talking at us. Aya looks just about as grim as I've ever seen him but it's Youji who's really giving me the creeps. Youji seems worryingly knowing. Nothing good ever comes out of seeing Youji with that look on his face. It's like he's only just about managing not to laugh out loud. What with Youji smirking like that I'm getting the distinct impression the others know something about this I don't. I'm getting pretty annoyed, too. Again, I like to think it's understandable. Nobody enjoys having things hidden from them, right?
"So where is this place?" I ask.
"It's called Club Verde. It's a hostess club, I believe." Omi replies, and he blushes slightly. Youji raises one eyebrow and I get the distinct impression that Club Verde's reputation isn't entirely based on the hostesses' sparkling conversation. Oh boy. What a lovely guy Ogawa is.
Youji smirks and looks disgustingly calculating. "If you're looking for someone to go in the front way, Omi, I'm your guy."
"Sure you are, Youji." I say, leaning back into the sofa cushions and looking at him suspiciously. Jesus, who here's going to dispute his right to it? "You been there before?"
He grins deviously. "Wouldn't you like to know, Kenken."
I wouldn't, as it happens. I don't care. Well. Not really. "Well, it doesn't sound like you're hearing the name for the first time." I don't miss the look Youji shoots Omi. He's heard all of this before. There's definitely something going on here, I'm sure of it, and if I'm not going to trust my own instincts then whose should I trust? I look over at Aya but he, of course, isn't giving anything away.
Maybe I'm imagining it. Yeah, and maybe Youji's going to take a vow of celibacy.
"And Ogawa goes there." Aya says, abruptly rerouting the conversation back onto its designated track.
"Yes, weekly." Omi says. "Always on a Saturday night. It's about the only habit he's set in."
Youji blinks. This at least appears to be news to him. "Saturdays, huh? So we've got three days to prepare."
Omi nods seriously. "He seems to pay for his evenings out on expenses, so it's no wonder we didn't find out about this place from his bank data." Something about Omi's manner has me sensing the approach of a 'but' here. "But, though we've found him, there's a small problem." Ah, there it is. Call me suspicious but Omi's behavior and those loaded glances give me the feeling he's building up to something here and, whatever it is, I'm not going to like it one bit.
"A problem?" I ask. "What problem?"
"Well, he's still the same paranoid Ogawa even if he is letting his hair down a bit," Omi says way too earnestly. "He goes there with his bodyguards and everything. It seems the only time he ever really relaxes is when he's alone with a woman. If we're going to take him off-guard, we're going to have to do it then."
"That's not a small problem, Omi, it's a big one." I say. "I mean it's nice to know he can relax round girls but what good does knowing that do us when we're all men?"
Omi coughs nervously like he needs a glass of water, but Youji grins like an idiot. "Oh, it's not that big a problem, Kenken."
Which is when I get the feeling I've just walked blithely into a conversational trap.
We're all silent for a beat. It's one of those horrible, loaded, over-significant silences you get when someone's got a secret and the person they're keeping it from comes so close to uncovering it they decide to let them work out what it is alone. Youji gives Omi that knowing glance again. Then they all look right at me, Aya included. It freaks me out. Youji's damn near cracking up laughing on the spot, Omi's biting his lip and suppressing a guilty grin. Even Aya seems to be trying not to smirk and I'm starting to realize that I know exactly where this is going. Not that I can believe it's for real. So I say the only thing any self-respecting guy could do under the circumstances.
"Are you all out of your minds?"
They exchange another glance and Aya gets in on the act this time, which more or less confirms my suspicions. All of them. Oh, shit. There are times when a guy doesn't want to be right and believe me this is one of them. I can't believe this. It's like a goddam conspiracy!
"It certainly is a big fucking problem and you're nuts!"
Omi looks at me beseechingly, but I'm way too used to that 'you've just kicked my kitten' expression he's adopting by now for it to have any effect on me whatsoever. I'm not falling for that one again. I look at the wall just above his head and glare at it. I wish I was better at glaring myself into isolation. Nobody would dare pull a stunt like this on Aya and expect him to be utterly fine with it, would they?
"Ken-kun," Omi says beguilingly, "this is the best plan we've got and it's the only way we'll catch Ogawa off-guard…"
"I don't care!" I sound like a panicky idiot and wish I didn't. "Find another plan."
"Touchy, touchy, Kenken…" Youji says slickly.
Touchy? Who's being touchy? This is righteous indignation, goddammit! "I'll give you touchy, Youji Kudou!" I shout, jumping to my feet.
"Ken." Aya says warningly, in that you're-being-unreasonable-and-I've-got-a-headache-so-do-not-piss-me-off-Ken tone he's so good at, like he was someone's dad. I've never heard anybody say my name so disdainfully, which is pretty impressive considering Aya isn't actually trying to kill me at the moment. He accompanies it with one of his trademark glowers. I decide to ignore both scowl and tone, but the way the three of them are staring at me's making me feel like they've put me on trial for my life.
"No way." I say firmly, folding my arms. "Absolutely not. I'm not doing it so you can all forget it."
"Someone's got to do it." Aya said coldly. "You're being unreasonable, Ken." I knew it was coming! Briefly, I fantasize about punching him again and wish I'd hit him harder that first time.
"Then you bloody do it!" I retort.
Omi looks consternated and exchanges yet another glance with Youji, while Aya gives me an icy glare. For a moment, I'm too taken aback to look away. I simply stare at him in utter disbelief. A part of me's still half-expecting Youji to tell me he's kidding and he can't believe I'm such an idiot as to keep falling for his stupid jokes, but no. Somehow they're deadly serious and that's just too weird for words. If that wasn't bad enough, they seem to be hell-bent on making me out to be the unreasonable one here. This isn't fair!
"Why does it have to be me?" I ask frantically. "Why can't you do it, Omi?" I mean, just look at the pair of us for a second. Omi… small, blonde, cute, immense eyes… he at least would look convincing enough that there'd be no way some old perv like Ogawa wouldn't want to mark time with him. Then there's me. Yes, I know I'm not exactly tall, but I'm still too tall to pull this off. And no way on Earth would anybody find me cute because I'm bloody not.
"I'm on comm." Omi replies. He actually sounds genuinely apologetic which throws me for a loop, though he can afford to be when he's not the one being told to make an idiot out of himself for the sake of a mission. I am. "I'm going to need to override the security systems so Aya-kun can get in and out safely, and there's the secondary mission to consider." That being wrecking Ogawa's computer records and the obligatory data retrieval. "There's no way I can do that as well as draw Ogawa out." His pleading look now implies I have just run over his kitten. Okay, that explains why Omi's out. Guess I'd be being unreasonable to insist Omi did it, even if he is one Hell of a lot more suitable than I could ever be. But the point still stands, goddammit!
"And I'm out." Youji says with a chuckle. "I'd look like a stag night that had gotten out of hand."
Can't deny that one, either. "Yes, well." I say uncertainly. "I still don't see why I have to do it! Manx or Birman can do it. Or bribe Sakura. Aya, she'd do absolutely anything if you said you'd go see a movie with her!" By Aya's expression he doesn't think that's funny, which is no bad thing because I'm not joking. "Why don't you do it yourself? You're the one with the girl's name!"
Aya glares at me again. I scowl at him and look away, but I can still feel his gaze upon me. The guy's acting like I just said something massively weird but really, I haven't. It's no weirder than what they're asking from me anyway. He'd be far better at this than I would, that's damn sure. Aya's pretty, for a man. I'm not. I'm just Ken. I'm me.
"You're being foolish, Ken." Aya says coldly.
"Like how?" I demand. "What's so stupid about not wanting to make an utter idiot of myself in public?"
Youji smirks. "Come on, Kenken. That's nothing you're not used to, is it?"
I hate him.
Aya's glaring at me. Still. If the wind changes he'll stick like that. Or maybe it's already happened, I dunno.
I bet he practices that look. Nobody gets that good at anything without a hell of a lot of training. I bet he stands in front of the bathroom mirror giving himself the Evil Eye until the mirror breaks and he passes out on the floor. Then when he comes round again he runs downstairs and aims the fruits of hours of practice right at me. God knows what the hell Sakura and all these other rabid schoolgirls are making of Aya's new habit of aiming a thousand megawatts of Death Glare in my direction at all times. Knowing Sakura, she thinks he's only doing it to be cute. She's fluttering by his elbow right now, giving him love-struck glances. Sadly for her, they all seem to be bouncing right off that icy deflector shield he's perfected. If I wasn't feeling so pissed off with the guy I guess it'd be quite funny, but it's not.
I decide I hate Aya too. And, what the hell, I hate Sakura as well.
I stare out of the window and try to ignore the little voice telling me that what I really want to do right now is nail Aya. In the middle of the shop. With all these damn schoolgirls and Sakura looking on. It's not so much worry about what Aya will do that stops me from deciding, to hell with it, and slugging him. It's more that I'm worried about what these bloody girls would do to me if I dared. Maybe they'd stab me with my own scissors or lynch me with a length of ribbon in revenge for my smacking their idol one. Even though he deserves it, not that they'd ever believe that. That's girls for you, I guess.
I can't look at Omi either. He's not treating me like an irritating waste of oxygen in the way Aya is but he's not given up on getting me to agree to their stupid plan either. He's still giving me those painfully earnest glances which, roughly translated, mean but it's for the mission, Ken-kun, you're not being fair. It's real hard to ignore a guy who's giving you hurt looks like you just ran over his cute little sister's even cuter kitten, but I'm trying. I remind myself what the consequences will be if I waver and that makes it rather easier. Which leaves me with the option of talking to Youji or nobody and of course he's not going to be any use.
Yeah, I'm feeling isolated. I don't like it.
Youji snaps his fingers in front of my face and I flinch, nearly knocking over half a dozen pots of miniature roses in the process. Now that really would be all I needed. "Wake up, Ken." he says, not unpleasantly. It doesn't make me feel any less like smacking him one.
"I am awake thank you Youji." I mutter irritably, steadying the roses and dragging them to the comparative safety of the middle of the counter.
"Could have fooled me," he replies, and drifts back to the knot of fawning college girls who've been following his every move like he was some kind of latter-day God in low-slung leather pants. I wonder what it is about him and his leather pants that gets girls like that. I wonder if he knows I now officially hate him.
"I don't see you working either, Kudou." I call after him. He just smirks.
At least Youji's talking to me. I'm not sure if that's such a good thing, though, given that he's… well, he's Youji, basically.
I decide not to think about it and return to scowling at Aya's turned back, resplendent in the bloody hideous orange sweater he's so worryingly fond of. How Sakura can still get the hots for him when he wears that godawful thing all the time I don't know. Hasn't she noticed the guy's had his dress sense surgically removed? I have a short but satisfying vision of the pot of miniature roses I'm holding connecting with the back of Aya's head and wonder if, if I said it was an accident, I could get away with heaving them at him.
"We've got to make our minds up tonight one way or another." Omi says. "If we're going in this Saturday, we'll need a couple of days to prepare everything. So it's time to make a decision and do it fast."
Omi snapped into mission mode the minute he sat down at the computer and now, when he turns to look at me, he's got that look in his eyes again. Much as I like the kid I find it very hard to know how to handle him when he's getting way too serious, like he is now. Still, at least he's got the grace to look uncomfortable. Aya, of course, is still glaring at me like he was a feudal lord and I was the mud-stained tearaway who'd dared soil the hem of his silk robes, or something stupid like that. I can get lost in my own analogies at times, but it doesn't take much to imagine Aya as some noble from feudal Japan. He's certainly got the attitude of one and that's without taking the katana into account.
I'm getting the feeling this meeting's going to end with my giving in ungraciously or ending up dead. Call it a hunch.
"Agreed." Aya says coldly. "We don't have much time." I wish he'd stop looking at me like that.
"Ken-kun, I know you're not keen on the plan we've got…" Omi begins. He can bloody say that again! Out of the corner of my eye, I notice Youji smirking to himself as if he's thinking exactly the same thing I am. Bastard. And here, I bet, comes another but. "…but honestly, we didn't suggest this because we wanted to make you feel stupid. Did we, Youji." And he gives Youji a pointed glance. Seems he's just as fed up with the blonde's snickering as I am.
"Of course not, Kenken." Youji says coolly, but he's still got a highly slappable grin plastered across his face. If I broke his jaw, I guess I could claim that bloody smile as mitigating circumstances.
I don't even deign to look at him. "Stop calling me that!"
All Aya says is, "You've already accepted this mission, Ken." Yeah, thanks for that, Aya Fujimiya.
Omi sighs. "What I'm trying to say is we haven't come up with anything better, Ken-kun. Like it or not—"
"I don't like it." I say crossly. "At all."
"I know you don't." Omi says wearily. Whoops. Guess he's pretty pissed off with me, too. "But regardless, it's the best plan we've got. Give me a week and I couldn't come up with anything better. This is the only place we know Ogawa visits which isn't so heavily guarded to make getting to him an impossibility. It's also the only place he lets himself relax. The risks to cornering him anywhere else are completely unacceptable."
Yeah. I know all this. I was in on the briefing too. I know how paranoid this guy is. He's got a security staff to rival the Prime Minister's and they watch him round the clock. The grounds of his house crawl with guards even when he's not actually in residence. If we tried to go after him there, or almost anywhere he's got to be, Omi thinks at least one of us would get killed for sure. That's what he means by completely unacceptable. I know what he means but although I know that's not the way to go, I'm really not convinced that this is.
Needless to say the guy never married. Too damn paranoid. Hence the Club Verde thing, I guess.
Still, how the fuck can we not have any better plans? Omi here's a boy bloody genius and this is really the absolute best he can do when it comes to getting Ogawa? Yeah, sure the guy's a paranoiac but really, how bloody hard can it be to deal with one of those? Why does it have to come down to this rather than anything that might actually be kind of understandable?
"The only other way round this," Aya says, "would be to join his staff as bodyguards and gain his trust, then kill him."
"Aw, man." Youji pulls a face. "That'd take ages!" I agree with him. It's not an attractive plan. It's not even a realistic one. The guy's so paranoid I bet it'd take months to get assigned to work in the same building as him, never mind anywhere near his most sacred person. Does Ogawa think he's the Pope rather than some bastard drug baron?
Omi nods. "And Manx has said she'd like to see this mission finished as soon as possible. She's starting to get impatient. The sooner we can get this finished, the better." I didn't think it was going to be possible, not even for Omi, but he's looking more earnestly hurt than I've ever seen. Apparently I've just run over his little sister. "We can't leave Ogawa much longer, Ken-kun, and we can't do this any other way. Think of all the people he's going to harm if we don't complete the mission…"
He knows he's got me. Even if I hate Aya and Youji at the moment and I'm coming pretty damn close to hating Omi too, I'd hate to see them hurt even more. Go figure, but if I dropped out of the mission and they got killed because of it, or if by doing nothing I let Ogawa carry on regardless… well, guilt wouldn't be the word for where I'd be at if that happened. I have an inconvenient conscience, or at least I do for an assassin. I kind of wish it'd go pick on someone else. All it seems to be good for is getting me in trouble.
"Oh, Hell." I say wearily. "Fucking, bloody Hell."
Omi and Youji exchange triumphant glances.