Note From the Editor/Author: Due to the original version of this fanfic being removed for this website due to having been written in script format, I have taken the liberty of rewriting the entire story in story format. Personally, I think this fanfic works better in its original format, but please try to enjoy anyway!
King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof
By Nintendo Maximus
Disclaimer: I don't own Super Mario Bros. or any other characters who might be making unexpected special guest appearances in this fanfic. And in case you're wondering, I don't hate the Super Mario Bros. 3 cartoon. It's actually my favorite of the three "seasons" of the Super Mario Bros. cartoons. I just want to poke fun.
Author's Note: Last year, I got the DVD for the SMB Super Show, "Mario's Greatest Movie Moments". And after reading an outtakes fanfic for the adjacent Sonic the Hedgehog DVD, I decided to make outtakes for the SMBSS DVD. So I wrote "SMBSS Outtakes!" Now, semi-recently, I got the new Adventures of SMB3 DVD, "King Koopa Katastrophe" (whose case, by the way, makes no mention that it's a DVD for SMB3). And I felt that I wanted to do an outtakes fanfic for this new DVD as well. But no longer allows outtake fanfics, so what was I to do? Simple! Just do what an earlier review suggested - SMB cartoon parody! I needed a break from cartoon novelizations anyway. So I'm going to do spoofs of every SMB3 episode on the "King Koopa Katastrophe" DVD. (But don't ask me to do a spoof of the bonus Sonic Underground episode. Sonic Underground sucks.) And not only will the characters be giving references to "SMBSS Outtakes!", the running gag of unexpected special guests returns as well! But now, let's start the DVD spoof with...
The EXTENDED "Adventures of Super Mario Bros. 3" Theme Song YOU Were NEVER Meant To Hear!
It was a legend no one will forget! No will forget it because, thanks to an early appearance in a thinly-disguised 100-minute commercial known as "The Wizard", it became the best-selling Nintendo Entertainment System game of all time! It was a legend so big, it was enhanced with better graphics and sound in 1993! And now this is a legend coming soon to your Game Boy Advance SP! Everyone thought King Bowser Koopa had left the Mushroom Kingdom after his humiliating defeat in RoboLand where he was tricked into pushing the Eject button on his robosuit. But then, direct from the Banishment Zone the DVD case claims he escaped from, his Doomship attacked! I don't know what the DVD case means when they say he escaped from a "Banishment Zone" or how he managed to get that giant airship, but whatever reason for either of those improbabilities, King Koopa was back! And with him, the so-called "greatest danger ever known" - his Koopa Kids! With nicknames so stupid they never call themselves by their real names on this show, these eight little SOBs, one of whom isn't on this show as he wouldn't be thought up for another twelve years, were the kind of kids who would make you want to quit being a babysitter, even if your first name was Vicky! But even though these seven brats managed to turn seven monarchs into animals, they were no match for the Kingdom's defenders! Brought to their Mushroom World parents by a stork, grown up in the streets of Brooklyn, New York, harassed by an old gorilla later renamed Cranky Kong, discovering a secret entrance that brought them back to their homeworld, they were the courageous Mario Mario and the not-quite-as-courageous Luigi Mario! Using their new Super Powers, the Super Mario Bros. rescued Princess Toadstool, and beat back the eeee-vil Koopa Family!
"I'll get those $# plumbers!" King Bowser Koopa swore as the intro narration ended.
"Reptiles in the Rose Garden"
Scary music played from out of nowhere as an unseen camera panned up to the castle of King Bowser Koopa. A stereo, a hair-dryer, a bicycle, and a fur coat were thrown out this window as some unintelligible gibberish was heard. Inside, Bowser Koopa himself was talking to his only daughter, Wendy O. Koopa, or as the original script of this whole story preferred to call her, "Kootie Pie Koopa".
"But Kootie Pie," the Koopa King begged, "we plundered the whole Mushroom Kingdom to get you the best gift a Koopa could steal! I even made a barter with Wario and Waluigi on that bicycle! And quite frankly, that fur coat ya just threw out woulda come in handy durin' the winter months..."
"It's not E-NOUGH! And don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!" Wendy really hated it whenever her dad, or anyone else for that matter, called her by that name.
"I know you're upset, Kootie Pie..." Bowser started to state the obvious.
"DON'T CALL ME 'KOOTIE PIE'!" With that, Wendy kicked her birthday cake out the window as well. It was quite clear to Bowser that she wasn't in the mood to hear "Happy Birthday to You".
"Ho man," the big guy muttered to himself. "I was able to live peacefully with bein' called 'King Koopa' on our last season, but my own kids can't take having nicknames! Why didn't Mr. Heyward read the Super Mario Bros. 3 instruction manual?" He turned to Wendy, who was now pouting on the floor. "OK, Wennn-dy, just tell King Daddyins what ya'd really like for your birthday."
Wendy stopped pouting and gave her answer. "Amewica."
"But sweetums! America's in the real world!" Bowser tried to reason with her. "To the people living there, we're just characters in a video game! They'll never believe that they're bein' taken over by characters they see on their Nintendo Entertainment System. They'll just think it's some kind of publicity stunt."
"I DON'T CARE!" Wendy continued pouting. "I want America for my birthday! I WANT IT, I WANT IT, I WANT IT!"
Bowser rolled his eyes. "All right, babycakes, anything you say. After all, you are turning... uh... ummm..." He turned to the offscreen director and asked, "How old is she turning?"
"Sixteen!" answered the director. "She's turning 'sweet sixteen'!"
"Sweet sixteen!" Bowser was confused. "I can't say she's that age. She's not even four in Japan! Just listen to how she speaks! My youngest kid speaks better English than her, and he hasn't even been thought up yet!"
But whether his only Koopette was six or sixteen, Bowser reluctantly agreed to let Wendy rule America, even though most people, mostly adults, wouldn't seriously take commands from someone who only existed as a character in video games.
A few minutes later, the usual Mario Bros. group for this show was walking around Grassland, minding their own business, seeing how they couldn't poke it into anyone else's.
"It sure is nice not to worry about the Koopas for a while," said Princess Peach Toadstool, not exactly stating the obvious.
"Yeah, when King Koopa gives his kids a birthday party, they stay Koopa-ed up in Koopa Castle all day!" Luigi Mario laughed at his very little joke. "Hehe, I made a funny!"
Damn, thought Mario Mario, I thought we had left the enemy puns back in the first season...
"Of course," Toad interrupted, "we still got to worry about da Wario Bruttas, Wart, Tatanga, Foreman Spike, King K. Rool, Kaptain Skurvy, Wizpig, Gruntilda, Evil Acorn, Master Hand, any chance that Smithy may still be alive..."
"Shut up, Toad!" Mario halted his companion's list. "All of those guys won't be around for another few years!"
"Actually, Spike, Wart, and Tatanga have already been created," Toad corrected.
"Not in Japan, Wart and Tatanga haven't," Mario mumbled. At that point, he then looked up and noticed... "Oh no! It's King Koopa's Doomship! Quick, let's stand here like idiots and hope that the guns don't hit us!"
They did so. Fortunately for them, the Doomship's guns had lousy aim, so their targets weren't hit.
"I'll see if I can stall them while you guys run," Peach said to her companions.
"What?" Mario was surprised. "You're ACTUALLY gonna stand up to them, Princess?"
"What? You think I'm some kinda wuss just 'cause I'm a blonde?"
"Uh, no!" Mario reasoned. "It's just that... on our previous season, the only times you ever saved the day were when Luigi, Toad, and I got hit with that itching disease as well as the time we tried to rescue you by going into Koopa's fortress using the 'Trojan Horse' approach! And technically, you're not a blonde on TV..."
"What! My hair's still red?" Peach touched at her hair. "Damn it! I thought I showed the production designer my character designs from the games!"
Unfortunately for them, some Chain Chomps came down and bit the quartet by their feet, because they didn't run when they had the chance.
"Oh!" Mario yelped as one of the Chain Chomps nabbed his left foot. "Now look, girlfriend! See what your rare little burst of activism has done to us?"
Wendy and Bowser appeared on the deck of the Doomship to taunt their enemies. "You're just Princess Peach Toadstool of the measly Mushroom Kingdom," said Wendy, pointing at Peach. "And you are very inferior! You're always letting yourself get captured, and your father is so stupid he can't even open a peanut butter jar!"
"How did she know that?" Peach asked her friends.
"But I, Wendy O. Koopa, beautiful Koopette that I am," the Koopette continued, "am going to be Empwess of Amewica! Aha ha ha."
"Why's she talkin' like Elmer Fudd?" Toad asked, referring to Wendy's speech impediment.
"You think that's strange?" Mario said to the mushroom retainer. "Luigi and I are the ones from Brooklyn, but you're the one with the accent!"
Bowser patted his daughter's head. "You really know how to make a daddy proud." He then focused his attention to the Chain Chomps. "Take 'em to the dungeon!"
"Oh, our poor home country!" Luigi whined. "Now we can't tell 'em the Koopas are comin'!"
"Don't worry about it, Luigi!" Mario said, looking rather confident.
"How can we not worry about it?" Luigi looked more sensible about the situation. "Bowser's about to lay siege to the land of the free and the home of the brave! It's almost as bad as an attack from Iraq!"
"Well, I'm sure the Americans can respond to the Koopas' attack without problems!" Mario said, still looking confident. "Remember, to them, we're just characters in a video game."
Soon, in Washington D.C., the Doomship came out of a warp pipe that happened to be in the clouds. How there could possibly be a pipe leading to a fictional land hovering above the state of Maryland is beyond me, though. Anyway, the Doomship then hovered over the White House. George Bush, Sr. was sitting behind his desk in the Oval Office when this happened. Of course, he doesn't really notice that something from a video game was hovering outside his place, nor did he care, because he was too busy talking on the telephone to pay any attention to what was going on outside.
"Oh, there Daddy!" Wendy pointed at the White House. "There's the castle of Amewica's Pwesident. They call it 'the White House'!"
Bowser looked through a window with his periscope. "And President Bush is inside! All right, Sledge Bros., warp the White House away to my castle! I'll take care of it later."
And so, with a little ray gun that Bowser just happened to have lying around, the Sledge Bros. lifted the White House off of its foundation and teleported out of Earth's atmosphere. Then Bowser picked a megaphone and announced to the citizens below: "Attention America! Your new ruler, Empress Kootie Pie..."
"That's Empress Wendy O. Koopa!" Wendy interrupted.
"Whatever..." Bowser rolled his eyes again and continued his announcement. "...has called her first press conference!"
"Ha! Yeah right!" A certain American teenager scoffed, and started walking around, acting fake scared. "Oooh, we're being taken over by a character from a Nintendo game! Oooh, I'm soooo scared!"
Bowser shouted commandingly through his microphone. "I must ask you to attend this conference or I shall be forced to shoot you right between the eyes!"
"Aaaah! OK! OK! We'll attend!" The teenager flailed his arms, then mumbled to himself, "Man, didn't Super Mario 3 get enough publicity in "The Wizard"?
"Thanks," said Bowser, not seeming to hear the teen's mumbling. "Ya wouldn't wanna be near my little girl when she throws a fit... I should know."
Half an hour later (or a second, seeing how they switched to the next scene), Empress "Kootie Pie" and her papa stood on the lawn in front of where the White House once stood, surrounded by the paparazzi. None of the press was really paying attention, because they were pretty sure this was all just a publicity gimmick by Nintendo of America to promote any new games that were now available at the time.
"It's time for a meaner, cwueler, America! I'd..." Wendy started to announce.
"Skip the freakin' speech and just read 'em your new laws!" Bowser interrupted.
"Fine!" Wendy took a scroll from out of nowhere and read aloud from it. "Law number one - every kid in America must give me their toys!
"No!" squealed a little girl. "Not my Kim Possible Fan Barbie action figure! I just got it at Wal-Mart for $25.99! Can't you just get one of your own?"
"I could, but that would take all the fun out of being a bad girl." Wendy continued with her laws. "Law numbuh two - any handsome boy who does not ask me for a date will be turned into a rock!"
Three handsome boys standing nearby just laughed. The leader of the trio, wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles t-shirt, spoke up. "Yeah right! Why would anyone want a relationship with a female reptile from their video games? I see much more romantic spark between a hedgehog and a squirrel! In fact, I even see a better relationship between a sixteen-year-old red-haired male and a teenage robot with pure white 'skin' and blue 'hair'!"
"Why you little--!" Using his magic wand, Bowser cast a spell on the three boys. But instead of rocks, they turned into ice sculptures. "Oops. Wrong transformation. It's a new wand!" Bowser made as many casts from that wand as he could, but no matter what he tried, he simply couldn't turn those boys to stone.
After Bowser's twenty-seventh try, Denzel Crocker suddenly stormed into the scene, snatched the wand from Bowser, turned the boys to stone as requested, and then smacked "King Koopa" on the head with it. "You low-life cross between a lizard and an inferior toad! This is my wand! I'm saving it to use for when I capture..." At that point in his statement, Mr. Crocker went into his usual spasms. "...A FAIRY GODPARENT!"
And with that, Mr. Crocker left the lawn with Bowser springing like an accordion, upset that once again somebody had gotten his genus pedigree wrong. Wendy couldn't help but roll over laughing at the special guest appearance she had just witnessed. Finally, she caught her breath and announced her third law. "Ahem. Law numbuh three - all the gold in Fort Knox will be melted down to make me a lifetime supply of charm bracelets."
"Couldn't you just buy that many?" asked a citizen. "If your dad's really a king, then that makes you a princess, and therefore someone with a hefty allowance!"
"SHUT UP!" Wendy yelled. "That's about it."
"Yay, Kootie Pie!" Bowser applauded. "That's the way!"
"Don't call me 'Kootie Pie'!" Wendy said again.
"Whatever." Bowser put one hand on his chest and shed a tear for no apparent reason. "Recite after me, America! I pledge allegiance to Kootie Pie, and to the repulsiveness for which she stands, one Koopa underground, reprehensible, with Beetles and Goombas for all."
The confused press members looked at each other. "What the funky monkey ass!"
Wendy looked at the press. "This actually supwises you, boys? Weren't any of you listening? I just announced that I'm taking over this country!"
One particular press member pointed a finger at the reptilian princess. "Listen here, you little horny bitch! You've only been here for 45 minutes, and I've already had enough of you! Wait'll I tell President Bush about this little hostile takeover!"
Wendy sighed. "You see, this is why you need a bwain. We alweady told you we transported him out of this weal world. You got a beef about me, take it up with me."
The press member kicked dirt. "Aw, donkey's ass!"
Wendy slapped her forehead. "Oh, for the sake of my namesake, be respectable, people! My big daddy here might one day wule da whole weal world!"
"Hmmmm, that's not a bad idea, babycakes!" said Bowser. "I'll head back to Darkland and make plans to attack various cities around here. Eh, is it OK if I attack any cities you already own?"
"Yeah sure, no problem," agreed Wendy, not seeming to care.
The Action News people may not have been paying any attention to what they were recording on their cameras, but meanwhile, in a state with a name that no one bothered to say, an orange-haired fourth grader with thick-rimmed glasses and three freckles on each of his cheeks, having seen this broadcast as it was interrupting the morning cartoons, turned off his television set and turned to his two friends. The one on his left was a Hispanic-skinned boy with a Mexican accent and a need for speed, and on his right sat a purple-haired girl who spoke with a Western accent to match her talent. (By the way, the orange-haired freckle-face had an obvious crush on the Western-speaking girl, but that has nothing to do with this story.)
"Boy, that must be quite a stage show if it's getting its live broadcast to interrupt regularly scheduled programs," said Hector Corrio.
"Yeah!" Brenda Snyder agreed. "'N they got puh-retty convincin' costumes, too!"
"Costumes, eh?" Crandall Connors turned to his friends. "My friends, I do believe that there's more to this 'stage show' than there seems."
"It really is a takeover?"
"In-deed," said Crandall. "And worse, it's a takeover on our home country!"
"Chik-ouch!" Hector declared. "That could mean I really will have to give her Mr. Paddle!"
"Oooh!" Brenda shivered. "If Barclae were the firstborn in mah family, he'd be in serious trouble!"
"In-deed," Crandall said again, "but only if we don't do something about it. Let's get going!"
So off they headed to save the United States of America. Crandall's "Earth-Mom" actually bought the lame-ass "we're-just-going-to-Hector's-house-for-a-pool-party" excuse, seeing how she couldn't figure out why she never saw her son and "that boy from Teamo Supremo" in the same place.
The minute they were out of the vicinity of his house, Crandall gave the signal. "Rope me, Brenda!"
And with those three words, the trio began their lengthy little sequence that somehow resulted in them transforming into their heroic alter-egos.
They stood in front of a background colored like the American flag and rang out, "TEAMO SUPREMO!"
A man sitting on a bench reading the National Enquirer happened to look up from his articles when he noticed Teamo Supremo's strange transformation. "Hmph. Superhero transformations are getting weirder these days."
Meanwhile, in Darkland, the White House was now sitting pretty right in front of Bowser's Castle. George Bush was still on the phone, so he didn't know that his "castle" wasn't in the right place. But Mario and company happened to have a window in their dungeon, and they could see Mr. Bush's predicament perfectly.
"Look, Luigi! There in the White House!" Mario pointed out the window. "That's the President of the United States!"
"Uh, Mario, isn't his name George Bush? Can't we just say his real name?" Luigi questioined.
"I don't know if we're allowed to," Mario pondered. "The Ninja Turtles didn't refer to him by name on their show..."
"It doesn't matter!" Princess Peach declared. "If we don't get him and the White House back to the real world, Kootie Pie will ruin America!"
"But how can we help America when we can't even help ourselves? They've got us triple-guarded." Luigi indicated the Chain Chomps chomping at their feet, and the Boomerang Bros. and Fire Bros. surrounding them.
"Leave it to me, Luigi," Peach said, looking determined.
Luigi rolled his eyes at Mario and Toad. "We're doomed."
Peach approached a nearby Fire Brother. "Hey! That guy in the funny helmet," she said, indicating a Boomerang Brother, "told me his boomerang was more powerful than your fireball!"
"He said WHAT!" The Fire Brother got real angry.
"So go ahead. Let him call you a wimp." Peach further tormented the Fire Brother.
The Fire Brother leapt at the Boomerang Brother and began slapping him repeatedly. "YOU STUPEED EEDIOT! I WILL KEEEEL YOU!" And with that, he fried the boomerang.
"Yeeow!" screamed the Boomerange Brother.
Peach turned to the Boomerange Brother. "Are you going to let him do that to you?" After the Boomerange Brother struck back, she turned to another Fire Bro. "You're not going to let him get away with that, are you?"
The second Fire Brother shook his head. "No way! I'll teach those stupid boomerang-fancying bitches a thing or three!"
The Fire Bros. and Boomerang Bros. continued fighting as Peach called to her servant and the plumbers. "Quick, hold up your chains!"
"You mean these things?" Mario, Luigi, and Toad pointed to the Chain Chomps biting their legs.
"Get over here, right into the crossfire!" Peach called, not bothering to answer their question.
They all picked up the blocks to which the Chomps were attached and let the chains get cut by the onslaught of fireballs and boomerangs. None of the good guys got hurt in this battle, but the Chomp heads ran off whimpering because they were pussy... dogs, that is.
"Quick, run for it!" Peach said to her cohorts.
"I gotta admit it, Princess!" Mario said as they jumped out of the battlefield. "You really HAVE gotten more courageous since the first season!"
The first Fire Brother watched them escape. "Ohhh... I'm such a dummy!"
The three heroes and sometimes-wimpy heroine jumped through a pipe conveniently located in the dungeon. It deposited them in front of where the White House stood just in time for them to see the Doomship coming back from Earth. Bowser pulled out his megaphone again, this time to speak to six of Wendy's seven brothers: Ludwig Von Koopa, Roy Koopa, Morton Koopa Jr., Larry Koopa, and the twins, Iggy & Lemmy Koopa. Or as they were called on the show for some stupid reason that apparently meant that the writers didn't read the instruction manual: "Kooky Von", "Bully", "Bigmouth", "Cheatsy", and "Hip" & "Hop".
"Attention Koopa Klan! Your sweet sister Kootie Pie..." Bowser announced, and then spoke to himself. "'Sweet' my little feetsies! She oughta be Gaz Membrane's playmate!" He continued announcing. "...has finally found a birthday present that makes her happy!"
"Give the b-b-b-b-brat a country and she finally stops nagging!" Morton Koopa Jr. commented.
Bowser looked through his periscope, now a telescope, for no reason. "I'm gonna keep her happy..." he announced, and then spoke to himself again. "...and complaint-free..." He spoke aloud again. "...by putting America's true leader where he'll never be rescued - at the bottom of the Mushroom Sea!"
Bowser laughed heartlessly as he transported the White House into the so-called Mushroom Sea. This sea's name was a misnomer, as it was parked closer to Darkland than it was to the Mushroom Kingdom. But to Bowser, it didn't matter so long as the house sunk. George Bush still hadn't put down the phone, so he didn't see that his building was sinking. But his wife sure did.
"HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP!" Barbara Bush screamed endlessly. "My husband can't swim because he spends all his time talking to ominous people and never any time with his family!"
Mario's friends watched as the White House sunk to the bottom of the Darkland sea. Fortunately, there just happened to be a Frog Suit in a nearby treasure chest, so Mario snapped it on.
"Get going, Mario," Peach commanded, "or America's sunk!"
"You don't have to make such lame puns, Peach! Ribbit!" Mario dove into the water.
Peach looked at where Mario jumped in. "Easy for him to say!"
And so Frog Suited Mario swam around the "Mushroom Sea", avoiding Bloobers, Cheep-Cheeps, Rip Van Fishes, Jelectros, and the like. As he swam away from these "piranhas", he heard some unidentifiable voice singing about frogs. He looked around a block and saw Kermit the Frog playing his banjo and singing.
"Uh, excuse me," Mario tapped Kermit's shoulder. "You're on the wrong show."
"Oh, sorry." Kermit swam away as Mario continued being chased by his aquatic enemies.
Eventually he made it to the sunken White House and banged on the front door till his fist ached. Finally Mrs. Bush opened the door for a second to let him in. "Are you from the secret service?" she asked.
"Even better!" Mario took off his Frog Suit. "The Super Mario Bros. Super Plumbing Service!"
"What?" Mrs. Bush was confused about this. "Isn't that something in a video game?"
"Uh, yeah," Mario acknowledged.
Mrs. Bush sighed of relief. "Oh, I knew this was just a publicity stunt!"
"Publicity stunt, my buttocks! Bowser's sole bitch really has taken over America! Didn't you read the script?" Mario said, holding it up.
Mrs. Bush put out her arms. "I never received it!"
"Well, forget it!" Mario threw the script away. "What this place needs is a super drain! Get me a knob and I'll hook it up to the pipes that are somehow placed in the Oval Office!"
So Mario hooked up a bunch of pipes to a device or something as Mrs. Bush watched. He then turned a knob and all the water was drained, illogically causing the White House to surface. Mr. Bush didn't realize his life had just been saved by a video game character, because he was STILL on the phone! Geez, doesn't he ever hang up and attend to his children's needs? But although Mr. Bush was oblivious to this whole escapade, at least his wife was able to do the congratulations.
"You're a brilliant plumber, Super Mario, even if you are just a video game character or whatever. I know the President will recommend you to all our friends."
"Yes, but will they take it seriously?" Mario questioned.
Just then, Luigi, Peach, and Toad showed up in a rowboat. "Mario!" Peach called.
Again, Mrs. Bush was surprised and confused. "Holy crap! More characters from your games? What's going on here?"
"For the love of Star Haven, Mrs. President! Didn't you read the freakin' script?" Luigi complained. "Koopa's loadin' up the Doomship for an attack on London, Paris, and... yeesh, Brooklyn!"
Now Mario was confused. "Why Brooklyn? Wendy's already in control in the USA, and therefore Brooklyn. Why should Bowser attack a place his daughter already owns? Or are you talking about a foreign Brooklyn that's not in the USA?"
"It doesn't matter which Brooklyn Bowser's attacking! You and Luigi are the only ones who can stop the real world from becoming Koopa's World!" Peach declared.
"Just us? Couldn't we just let Superman or Batman handle it?" Mario asked.
"No." Peach answered.
"Then maybe we could leave it to Spiderman or the Incredible Hulk?"
"Well then, how 'bout the Rescue Rangers?"
"Could we just call Kim Possible, then?"
"We probably could, but... no."
"What about Jenny, the Teenage Robot?"
"The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?"
"The Funky Cops?"
Peach sighed. "No."
"He-Man and the Masters of the Universe?"
"The Powerpuff Girls?"
"The Samurai Pizza Cats?"
"Bill & Ted?"
"That Dib Membrane kid on 'Invader ZIM'?"
"Damn it, NO! You and Luigi are the ones who're supposed to save the freakin' real world!" Peach screamed.
"But why?" Mario questioned. "All these other guys are perfectly capable of saving the world! Except maybe Dib... But why do we have to do it?"
Peach put a finger on Mario's chest. "Because this is YOUR SHOW!"
"Oh yeah," said Mario. "Say, why are we calling Earth 'the real world', anyway? Are we coping well with the fact that we don't really exist?"
"I don't know, ask Mr. Heyward." Toad shook his head. "He's producin' dis show!"
So Mario and Luigi took a warp pipe that somehow brought them to the planet Popstar. This was of course impossible, because Popstar was in a completely different Nintendo franchise, but that didn't stop them from returning to Darkland dressed in what appeared to be Hammer Suits. They were gonna need them, seeing how there weren't any treasure chests containing Hammer Suits in Darkland.
Luigi looked uncomfortable with his Hammer Suit. "Mario, are you sure these disguises will let us sneak aboard Koopa's Doomship?"
"For the love of Shigeru Miyamoto, of course they'll work!" Mario said as they walked to the Doomship. "They fooled the enemies in the game, so they're bound to work here! Besides, I payed 1,995 Coins for these, and for that price, they'd better work."
They jumped onto the Doomship, but the first Sledge Brother they ran into saw right through them. "Puttin' on a little weigh, arentcha, Mario?"
Mario shook his fists. "Crap! How did you know it was us!"
"Simple," the Sledge Brother pointed out. "That's not a Hammer Suit you're wearing; that's just a helmet, a fake turtle beak, and a shell on your back.
"Damn that NightMare Enterprises salesman!" Mario cursed. "Now I know why King Dedede is always complaining about him!"
"GET 'EM BOYSSSSS!" the Sledge Brother commanded to his sledge-bearing brethren.
All the Sledge Bros. on the ship gave chase after the poorly-disguised Mario Bros. Fortunately, the Sledge Bros. were as large as they were slow, and their aim was almost as lousy as the guns from earlier, so Mario and Luigi had no problems avoiding these big lugs. As he and his brother ditched their sucky disguises, Mario ran into the cockpit and turned on the ignition key. The Doomship flew off just as Bowser was coming out of his castle.
"Aaahh!" Bowser screamed at the sight of his airship flying away. "My Doomship's been hijacked! I must get it back. Kooky! Ready my Koopa Clown Car! We're goin' ship huntin'."
"No!" said Ludwig Von Koopa defiantly.
"What?" Bowser was confused as to why his smartest son was disobeying him.
"You called me kooky!" Ludwig pouted. "That's a girl's name, you know!"
"I didn't insult you!" Bowser argued. "That's just what Mr. Heyward wants you to be called on this show!"
As Bowser and his oldest son continued their pointless argument, the Doomship flew over to the floating White House and Mario took control of the ray that had beamed it to Darkland. Even more illogically than the rocket pipes he made earlier, he levitated the White House through the pipe before following himself. When he came out though, he suddenly noticed that he had placed the White House on top of the Washington Monument. It was at this point that Mr. Bush FINALLY looked out the window. He could've at least looked out two minutes earlier.
"Hey, what the hell's goin' on here?" Mr. Bush proclaimed. "Why's the House teetering way up here?"
"For the sake of George Washington, Mario!" Mrs. Bush whined from her standing point. "My husband can't run the country under these conditions!"
"Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. President! Next time, I'll put the White House right where it belongs!" Mario called, not seeming to notice that he hadn't bothered calling the Bushes by their real name. "Geez, why didn't Bowser put the owner's manual on this wooden blimp!" he muttered to himself.
But as with Bowser's failed attempt at turning the three handsome boys to stone, Mario had a lot of trouble trying to put the White House back in its proper place. He wound up sending it to Egypt (where it sat on the Sphinx), Paris (where it teetered on top of the Eiffel Tower, no less!), Japan (where it sat on Nintendo Company, Ltd.), Germany (it crushed the former Nazi hideout), Australia (it nearly crushed the hideout of Percival McLeech, the evil poacher from "The Rescuers Down Under"), Antarctica ("Mrs. President" complained about her and "Mr. President" getting frozen), California (it made itself comfy on the "Hollywood" sign as well as Sleeping Beauty Castle at Disneyland), and New York (it tottered on the Statue of Liberty).
While all that was going on, Wendy O. "Kootie Pie" Koopa, still on the lawn, was sitting on a lounge chair, relaxing in the sunlight while a Boomerang Bro filed her toenails. "Ahh..." she said. "It's such a nice day to be sunbathing... especially when you're the only one in the countwy allowed to!" And she laughed evilly to boot.
Suddenly, who should show up but...
"Step away from the sunlight, Wendy O. Koopa!" Captain Crandall demanded.
"And if you're really sixteen, act like it!" Skate Lad commented.
"Ah have nothin' to add!" added Rope Girl.
"Finally! Someone who knows my weal name!" Wendy removed her sunglasses. "Well well well, if it isn't Teamo Supwemo, diwect fwom their unknown state! What bwings you here?"
"We've come to save America from your clutches, Wendy!" Captain Crandall announced, putting an emphasis on the villain's name again.
"So give up your empress title and come peacefully." Skate Lad requested.
"You don't wanna see us when we get feisty!" Rope Girl twirled her rope.
"I'm not convinced. Koopa Pack, attack!" On Wendy's cue, the Boomerang Brother jumped over the lady boss, and with him came a Fire Brother, a Sledge Brother, and two Hammer Bros. All five helmet-wearing Koopas advanced on Teamo Supremo.
Captain Crandall tossed his Level 7 Marbles. "Buh-za!" The Boomerang Brother slipped on Capt. Crandall's Marbles and fell on his back, becoming inactive.
The Fire Brother advanced on Rope Girl, who jumped in the nick of time, yelling, "Wuh-pa!" The Fire Bro fell right through her jump rope, defeated.
Skate Lad turned on the turbo on his skateboard and dashed right at the Hammer Bros, yelling, "Chi-ka!" His skateboard-riding knocked the Hammer Bros. over.
The Sledge Brother, meanwhile, chased Capt. Crandall, who ran up a tree and jumped off as the Sledge Brother crashed into the tree.
Wendy looked at her downed lackeys and chuckled nervously. "Eh heh heh... I guess this is the part where the Empwess makes her escape!" And she started to run off.
"Get her, Rope Girl!" Captain Crandall commanded.
She did so. As Rope Girl tied up Wendy with the jump rope, the brat princess yelled at them, suddenly speaking normal English. "You little SOBs! When my father gets here, he'll show you what it's like to mess with the Empress of Earth!"
"Y'know, now you're starting to speak like a real sixteen-year-old." Skate Lad pointed out.
"But yuh shoah ain't actin' lahk one!" Rope Girl pointed out the obvious.
It was at this point that Mario finally got the ray to transport the White House to where it belonged. Teamo Supremo saw the building coming down and immediately ran away from its descent path, taking the captured Wendy with them. The Doomship hovered above and Mario and Luigi looked out.
"Hey, what's going on here!" Mario looked around. "Who tied up Kootie Pie?"
"THAT'S WENDY O. KOOPA!" Wendy screamed from her position.
"No need to thank us, Mr. Mario," said Captain Crandall, somehow knowing Mario's name. "Teamo Supremo is happy just doing the right thing."
Mario was a bit weirded out. "Hey Luigi, I thought Peach said we were 'the only ones who can stop the real world from becoming Koopa's world'."
"Well, it looks like you were right and she was wrong!" said Luigi.
"Damn it!" Wendy cursed. "Why must everyone disturb the Almost-Empress of the Entire Real World!"
"It'll be a cold day in Lethal Lava Land before you can fully become that, Kootie Pie!" Mario chuckled. "We just got President Bush out of your hellhole of a homeland!"
"Heh heh, so you're not even boss of America anymore!" Luigi chuckled also. "'Course, you can always be a sub-boss back in the Mushroom World."
"NO! I hate it when people tell me what to do, and I hate it when they call me 'Kootie Pie'! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!" Wendy started pounding her fists on the ground, despite having been tied up. "I'll tell my daddy on ALL of you!"
"See what Ah mean?" Rope Girl said, verifying her earlier point.
"Oh brother." Not standing to hear any more of "Kootie Pie"'s incessant whining, Mario levitated the shrill asshole all the way back to Bowser's Castle. "Well, thanks anyway for helping, Teamo Supremo! You were a good help taking care of Kootie Pie for us."
"Hey, how'd we get onto Earth, anyway?" Luigi asked.
"We just went through that pipe," answered Mario, pointing to the warp pipe, somehow levitating up in the clouds.
"You mean, we could've gone back and forth between Brooklyn and Mushroomland whenever we pleased!" Luigi realized. "Damn that Salvador Drainado! He made it seem like that drainpipe was our only way back home!"
Mario shut up his badmouthing brother, seeing how they were standing in front of a trio of innocent fourth graders with secret identities that their own parents couldn't figure out but their siblings could. "Well Crandall, if you and Brenda and Hector are ever in the Mushroom Kingdom, be sure to drop by. We live in a house with two roofs, one red and one green!"
"Say, how'd you know our secret identities?" Captain Crandall inquired. "My Earth-sister, my Earth-grandfathers, Brenda's baby brother, our teacher, the governor, the chief of police, and our scientists are the only ones who know that."
"My brother's unfriendly rival watches you on ABC Kids every Saturday morning," Mario explained. "He knows everything about you kids."
"How do you know all that?" asked Skate Lad.
"He keeps ranting and raving about 'em during tennis games." Mario started to levitate the Doomship upward. "Well, we'll be going now. Don't forget to check out Super Mario Bros. 3 and every other one of my games that come out in the future!"
Teamo Supremo's three members looked at each other, shrugged, then waved at the departing Mario Bros. "See ya!"
"Oh, and Crandall?" Mario called down just as the Doomship was nearing the warp pipe. "Be a good boyfriend and husband to Brenda."
Capt. Crandall and Rope Girl blushed deeply as Skate Lad grinned at them, knowing what Mario was suggesting.
In the meantime, Mario drove the Doomship back into Darkland and crashed it right into Bowser's castle.
"Hey, nice crash landing, Mario!" Luigi commented, just as they had somehow survived the crash.
"Yeah!" said Mario as they jumped off the ship. "Let's see Bowser try and warp somethin' offa Earth now!"
Bowser had been arguing with "Kooky" up until he heard the crashing sound. He dropped the conversation, ran over to the window, and looked at the remains of his once-mighty airship. "Oh no!" he cried. "My beautiful Doomship - ruinated! Now I'll have to use my Clown Car for going to the market and for attacking..."
"Oh, sod the bloody Clown Car! This is all your fault!" Wendy pointed an accusing finger at her dad. "You let let the Mario Bros. capture your pretty little airship! You let Teamo Supremo come and capture me so the Marios could warp me home! You let them all save America!"
"My fault?" Bowser was insulted. "You little female dog! I don't care if you've learned to speak normal English like the rest of us, you can't blame your own dad for your defeats! I don't even know who the hell this 'Teamo Supremo' is! And if you don't stop that whining right now, I'm gonna tell Mr. Miyamoto to leave you out of Mario Kart: Double Dash!"
"But daddykins!" Wendy pleaded.
"Don't you try and butter me up, 'sweetums'!" Bowser stomped his feet. "You whine any more, and I won't bring you to the next Mario Tennis game! Now go clean up your room, and you'd better do it! Stop pinching your little brothers! Don't be a brat! Turn down your stereo! Pick up your socks! Close the door! Get off the telephone! Take out the papers and the trash! Or you don't get no spendin' cash! If you don't scrub that kitchen floor, you ain't gonna rock and roll no more! Just finish cleaning up your room! Let's see that dust fly with that broom! Get all that garbage out of sight, or you don't go out Friday night! You just put on your coat and hat, and walk yourself to the Laundromat! And when you've finished doing that, bring in the dog and put out the cat! Don't you give me no dirty looks! Your father's hip, he know what cooks! Just tell your hoodlum friend outside you ain't got time to take a ride!"
"Yakety-yak!" Wendy mocked him.
"DON'T TALK BACK!" Bowser shouted.
On the outskirts of Darkland, Mario, Luigi, Peach, and Toad listened as Bowser's shouts broke windows and knocked bricks out of the walls.
"Well," Mario commented, "it sounds like Bowser's a-givin' Kootie Pie the birthday present she deserves!"
"DON'T CALL ME "KOOTIE PIE"!" Wendy screamed from inside the castle.
The group thought of closing this episode with a stupid laugh track, but seeing how many times they had done it on the first season, decided not to, even though that was a pretty funny running gag they had considered laughing at.
Outside, on the lawn of the White House, the three handsome boys, whom Mr. Crocker had turned into stone right before ending his cameo, stood in their unfortunate stone positions.
Man, thought the leader of the boys, I have so got to pee...
Well, that's it... for the first episode on the DVD! All six episodes will be covered in separate chapters. So tune in for the next chapter, coming in (hopefully) the near future! And I hope you liked the Teamoshippy bits I included in this particular episode!