"Never Koop a Koopa"
Morning in the Mushroom Kingdom. Mario was walking out of his house, reading the newspaper comics. "...Oh, those 'B.C.' guys - they're like an unfunny version of the Flintstones," he mumbled. "Hmmmm, speaking of cartoons, I need to tell those 'Invader ZIM' zealots to stop saying bad things about Nickelodeon just 'cause they felt that stupid show wasn't fitting for their network standards." Suddenly, he noticed Yoshi digging a hole. "Uh, hey Yoshi, what are you doing?"
"Yoshi digging!" answered Yoshi.
"Yoshi making hole."
"A hole for what?"
"For more diggin'."
"Okay, then. And please, Yoshi, stop that whole baby talk thing!" Mario began to walk off; but suddenly tripped on something Yoshi had unearthed. "Hey, what's this?" He picked it up to see that it was... "A magic wand! Yoshi! Do you realize what this means?"
Yoshi poked his head out of his hole. "Uh, somebody buried a dead Hyrule Faerie in your front yard?"
"Yes. I mean, no!" Mario answered his question. "It means that anything I want, I can just produce it. If I want a heaping helping of pizza and other Italian delicacies, I'll just poof it up with this wand. And anyone I don't want on my show, I can just poof them over to some other show! And as for my show, I can put it on all the channels and never lose my top spot in the ratings!"
"Um, how could you possibly trip over something as small as that?" Yoshi nitpicked.
"Who cares!" Mario started skipping around gayly. "As long as I have this magic wand, the world is my toaster."
"You mean 'oyster'." Yoshi corrected.
Mario briefly stopped skipping. "I know what I mean, Yoshi."
As Mario frolicked with his new magic wand, the camera panned up into space to show a TV station satellite that was embossed with the TechTV logo (with the G4 logo spray-painted in front of it).
And in a company building in Los Angeles, on the set of "X-Play", Adam Sessler and Morgan Webb watched what Mario was doing on their monitors.
"This show is K-rated," said the disembodied voice, "no adults unless it's Adam Sessler and Moooooooooorgan Webb!"
"Hmmmm..." Adam muttered. "It would appear that Mario's TV career is about to jump the shark."
"Really?" said Morgan. "I had figured on that after the first episode. Right from the start, it's been hit-or-miss."
"Well, I personally didn't understand what was up with all those movie parodies in the first season. I mean, 'Muppet Babies' was more creative than that!"
"At least this isn't as bad as the third season."
"This isn't the third season?"
"Well, what made you think it was?"
"Well, Yoshi's right there, and he wasn't in any of the other seasons!"
"Wait a minute, Mario," Luigi's voice was heard saying, "is this story actually going anywhere?"
The camera suddenly cut to Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach, and Toad having lunch outside Toad's house.
"Of course, Weege," Mario answered. "Eventually, I became king of the Manchines. Then the fellowship split, and Frodo met Gollum, who bit off his finger. The ring disappeared, and the Knights of the Round Table went their separate ways. During their travels, they fought trolls, warlocks, zombies, boy bands, and Dracula. Meanwhile, Will Turner met Legolas and everything got confusing. The ring was found again and used as the tassel to those 'Lord of the Rings' bookmarks, which Harry Potter bought. Lord Voldemort wanted it so Harry threw it into the volcano and everyone lived happily ever after in the house that Jack built."
"But Manchines are from the 'Masters of the Universe' Christmas Special." Luiigi pointed out.
"Are you calling me a liar, Luigi?" demanded Mario.
"Wait a minute, Mario," Peach interrupted. "If this is all true, what about all that stuff you weren't around for?"
"Yeah, how didja know da guys from 'X-Play' were spyin' on ya?" Toad asked.
Mario rolled his eyes. "Oh, I just naturally assumed that it happened."
"This is the stupidest story I've ever heard," Peach declared, "and I've watched several episodes of 'Toad Patrol' and 'Mary-Kate and Ashley in Action'."
"Besides," said Luigi, "I do believe we used up all our 'Simpsons' jokes in the previous episode."
"OK, then, Miss Stereotypical Princess Who Only Acts Like A Stereotype Because The Writers Cannot Write Good Roles For Women," Mario, ignoring Luigi, addressed Peach. "You find something for us to do when Bowser's walking up to us with a white flag!"
"He's what?" Peach turned around.
Sure enough, Bowser was walking up to the group, with his eight kids behind him (although during the scene that followed, much of them disappeared for a few seconds). He was holding a white flag and looked rather sad. Or at least as sad as a guy like Bowser Koopa could be.
"What the hell!" said a surprised Luigi. "He's giving up?"
"Could dis mean the end of our series?" The others looked at Toad when he said that. "...Of events?"
Bowser bowed in front of Peach. "Princess Peach, I'm giving up, because I frankly feel that you're far too clever for a lowly, humble, stupid, ugly, two-faced reptile such as me."
"Waitaminute! I wanted to say dose bad qualities!" Toad noted that his line had been stolen.
Mario stood up. "Lemmie guess, Koopa. You're calling it quits?"
Bowser jumped back. "WHO TOLD YOU? Uh, I mean, yeah. My kids and I are leaving the Mushroom Kingdom forever."
"Daddykins," Wendy asked from behind her dad, "does this mean we have to apologize to Teamo Supremo too?"
"Shut up, Kootie Pie!" said Bowser through gritted teeth. "I don't wanna hear anymore about Riko Chepremo or Bueno Gireemo or Theo Fleao or whatever you call those imaginary enemies of yours!"
"Don't call me Kootie Pie!" Wendy cried.
"Uh, Koopa," Mario remarked, "there's something Luigi and I have to say about Kootie Pie's continuous mentions of the so-called 'Mucha Lupremo'. It's a funny story, see..."
Bowser ignored his nemesis and continued his act. "I feel bad for all the trouble I've caused you, Princess; please forgive me, etc."
"Well, you've kidnapped me several times and even had a robot look-alike of myself try to turn the Kingdom over to you," said the unconvinced Peach. "Why should I forgive you? This isn't a Disney sequel, you know."
"Because I'm letting you have the keys to my castle. Here." Bowser handed them to her.
"I'm donating our ex-home to charity." Bowser turned to his offspring. "Say goodbye, kids!"
As the eight Koopalings waved goodbye, they all had different thoughts spinning in their heads.
Just shut up, thought Larry Koopa. Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up...
I think I'll become a singer, thought Morton Koopa Jr. Boy, I hope Eric Cartman's looking to get a partner for his musical career.
I can't believe it! Wendy O. Koopa thought. It's been four weeks, and King Daddyins still doesn't believe me when I mention Teamo Supremo! What is his problem!
Friends are someone you can open up to, da-da-da-da, thought Iggy Koopa, in singsong.
Did I leave the oven on back home? thought Roy Koopa. No, I checked. Did I? Yes, I'm quite certain I checked...
I can't believe Cartoon Network changed their image, thought Lemmy Koopa. What was wrong with their old one?
From the normal distribution table, thought Ludwig Von Koopa, we get (142 - n)/n 2, which is equivalent to n + 2n - 142 0. The latter is a quadratic. Ha ha, funny stuff...
I coulda been on "Futurama", thought Bowser Jr., or maybe even "AquaTeen Hunger Force". But nooo, I had to end up here.
After the kids finished waving, Bowser produced a warp pipe with his Pipe-Making Wand (his alternative to his now-forgotten Sub-Space Potions), and the nine Koopas jumped down it. None of the Mario Group noticed that Bowser didn't look very sad when he was making the pipe, but they did hear Wendy still whining about Teamo Supremo.
Peach, on the other hand, felt the need to pose triumphantly with the Castle Koopa keys above her head. "Awe-suma! I could turn Castle Koopa into a Mushroom Orphanage!"
"But you've already got that, Princess!" Luigi nitpicked. "Remember 'The Great Gladiator Gig'?"
"Oh, all right, maybe I'll just make it a retirement center," Peach kicked some dirt, "or maybe even a movie theatre. Or a Wal-Mart!"
"I was gonna say a bad joke here," said Toad, "but I t'ink I'll avoid it."
"Forget it, Princess!" Luigi resisted. "Since none of the other villains are ever featured on this show for some strange reason, I'm willing to bet it's a trap."
"Aw, c'mon, Luigi!" said the optimistic Mario. "The Mushroom World needs a place with a wide selection of products at such low prices!"
"But Mario," reminded Luigi, "you told me in the previous chapter that we shouldn't take Bowser seriously just because he has taller sprites than us."
"Look, if Bowser is lying, he'll probably capture us," figured Mario. "So Peach and I will go look in there alone. If we're not back in eleven minutes, you come after us. And bring a bowl of my cereal!"
Soon afterwards, Mario and Peach arrived at the front door of Bowser's Castle.
"Oh sure, it's big enough, but look at the location!" Peach opened the door, causing a Dry Bones to come falling down.
"I didn't know you were a fan of the 'Shrek' movies." Mario said as they walked inside.
"Shrek the ogre. Big green dude. Hangs out with a talking donkey. Married a princess with some sort of ugly curse. Starred in the most popular animated movie sequel in history."
"Sorry; I'm afraid I don't know him from the fact that no one from his movies showed up in the past few occasions."
"Funny. I thought Bowser had someone from those films on his revenge list."
"How do you know he has that?"
"I happened to notice him writing on it in the last episode."
"Ah. Speaking of Koopa," Peach indicated a painting of Bowser on the wall, "this portrait of him will be the first thing to go. It's as ugly as King Koopa was in person!"
"Good idea," Mario inspected. "Not only is it off-model, it's got some cheap effect that makes it look like its eyes are moving."
"INSULT MY BOSS'S BUDGET, EH!" a Thwomp came down on them.
"Yipe!" Mario and Peach jumped out of the way.
"Crap crap crap crap!" the Thwomp cussed. "I missed! I hate missing!"
"Hmmm, for someone who's donated his house to charity, you'd think Bowser would've turned off his traps. He also should've told them not to curse so much." Suddenly, Mario looked ahead and noticed something.Look! A Ptooey!"
"Ptooey to you, Mario!" said Ptooey #1.
"Yeah, there's two of us!" Ptooey #2 counted. "Did you flunk math or something?"
"You call that a joke?" Mario didn't laugh. "I've heard funnier things on 'Gilligan's Island'."
"Oh, you make me so mad, I could take a shit in your bathtub!" Ptooey #1 repeated the joke.
"What did you say about my mother! Aaaaagh! I'm taking you out... and I don't mean dinner and a movie!" Mario jumped on Ptooey #1, ripped off its head, and stuffed it into Ptooey #2's mouth. "That takes care of the Ptoo-oh Duo."
"Maybe I should've asked Koopa if he had turned off his traps before he left," said Peach, saying what Mario already said.
"Uh yeah, I said that already." Mario went ahead to the next corridor. "Hang on a second, Princess! There might be a killer army waiting for us down this corridor. Since you're only learning to be dynamic, let me handle them."
Mario rushed into the corridor with some action music playing. He screamed a battle cry as Peach heard sounds of a struggle and watched severed Koopa Troopa heads and Goomba brains come flying in front of her. Afterwards, Mario returned, holding the head of a Boomerang Bro.
"OK, Peach," he said, "it's safe to pass through now."
"Mario!" Peach scolded. "That's stretching the limits of what they show on this network! Besides, Luigi was saving that raid for in case you got killed."
"What, like in some Flash-animated sprite comic?" Mario meta-referenced. "Get real. Anyway, once we finish off all the traps, we can change this into... whatever you wanna turn it into."
"All right," said Peach. "But first we better find our way back to the door."
Suddenly, a trap door opened up underneath the pair and dumped them into a dungeon cell. Bowser and Larry were standing outside the cell.
"Well, lookie here, Cheatsy!" the Koopa King gloated. "We have guests. I hope our accommodations suit them well. 'X-Play' gave it a 4... out of 5."
"Damn you, Bowser!" Peach cursed. "I knew I couldn't trust you!"
"Uh, technically, it was Luigi who knew Bowser couldn't be trusted," Mario corrected. "You're the one who believed Koopa! Well, now I know the Big Fat List of TV Clichés needs to add this entry - 'Bad guy pretends to surrender in order to lead good guys into trap!'"
"This is no time to talk about TV clichés, Mario," said the Princess.
"Well, did you really think I'd let you win?" Bowser showboated. "That I'd just surrender and give you the keys to my humble abode? That I'd let the Wario Bros. or Tatanga or Captain Syrup become the main source of the Mushroom Kingdom's problems? That I'd let my contract expire early? That I'd let this show get cancelled?"
"Not really," answered Mario. "But what I want is an explanation as to how you knew exactly where to open that trap door!"
"You have a point. I must remember to thank that dark shadowy guy on 'Codename: Kids Next Door' for providing me with these heat-seeking trap doors." Bowser turned to Larry. "Now listen up, my boy! Lemmie give you some more lessons in... How to Lie and Cheat!" He was then suddenly standing in front of a big rocky logo that read "How to Lie and Cheat", wearing a graduation cap. "Do you want to be more rotten? Sure, all baddies do. Here at Castle Koopa University, you can get the experience you need to be almost half as villainous as I am. Get your certificate in: Cheesing People Off; Indian-Giving; Cutting Ones; Doing Some Other Things; Home Invasion; Cracking Wise; World Domination; Sending Me a Dollar; Total Spaceship Guy; TV/VCR Repair; or GET YOUR DEGREE! Applying is easy. Just get out a postcard, write on it that you wish to join, and send it to King Bowser Koopa, 638 Vista Hill, Darkland MW 53042, and you'll be on your way to a nastier, eviler you. Remember, at Castle Koopa University, the future is, uh... you. Probably. Anyway...He threw off his graduate cap and got rid of the logo. "Cheatsy, here's today's lesson. First, you tell 'em a big lie to get them in your clutches, just like I did at the beginning of this episode. Then, you squeeze them for the big pay off!"
But "Cheatsy" didn't hear him. He was listening to the "Earthworm Jim" theme song on his Walkman. "EARTHWORM JIM! Through the soil he did crawl!" he sang along. "EARTHWORM JIM! A super-suit did fall!"
"Gimmie that!" Bowser ripped the Walkman off of Larry.
"Dad!" Larry yelled.
"That's King Dad to you!" Bowser corrected. "I'm the king here, and I decide who listens to video game cartoon music! Now, Cheatsy, watch me dupe these dupes out of their cookie ingredients!"
"What!" said Mario and Peach simultaneously.
"That's right, Mario!" Bowser pointed at his enemy. "I want to know why your cookies taste so delicious!"
"You mean Sunshine's Super Mario Bros. Cookies?" Mario referenced. "For crappy butt monkey's sake, Bowser! They discontinued that a long time ago!"
"They did? Okay, forget that." Bowser moved onto his other goal. "I want you to sign over the Mushroom Kingdom."
"Sign over the Mushroom Kingdom? Never!" Peach swore. "Eat spit and die!"
"Aw c'mon!" Bowser pulled out his scroll from chapter 4. "I had this charter all made and everything."
"NO!" Peach yelled.
"Look, Bowser, you sure you wanna take over the Mushroom Kingdom so badly?" Mario asked. "All your other takeovers have been rather wasteful."
"Yeah... but not completely wasteful. You see..." Bowser started singing to the tune of "Be Our Guest". "Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food; / The only thing I'm hunting for, is an outfit that looks goo-o-o-o-od..."
"Stop that, stop that!" Mario killed the music. "You're not going into a song while I'm here."
"Oh, you're always spoiling my fun," pouted Bowser.
"Look, Koopa," Peach insisted, "the point is I'm not gonna sign my kingdom over. And don't you try making any false promises again!"
"Not to worry, Princess!" Mario reminded. "Judging from some of Bowser's previous defeats, some other hero is bound to come in and rescue us!"
"Ah, I knew you'd hope for that, Mario!" said Bowser gleefully. "That's why I've installed a Non-Mario Character Alarm System!"
"That's right!" Bowser explained. "Whenever a character who isn't a Mario character comes into the castle, the alarm will sound and we can capture him. Just look at your cellmate!"
Mario looked at the cellmate near him. It was a tiger standing on his hind legs, wearing a handkerchief around his neck. "Frosted Hairballs have a taste adults have grown to be disgusted by," said the tiger. "They're grrrrross!"
"Tony the Tiger?"
"No, no. I'm his great-uncle, Toenail." The tiger introduced himself.
"How'd you end up here?" Mario inquired.
"I came in shilling my cereal and he threw me in here," Toenail explained.
"I don't remember you."
"That's 'cause my ads were never shown on TV!" griped Toenail. "Those Kellog cheapskates thought I was too disgusting for them."
"Are you done fraternizing there?" Bowser asked. "I'd like to get this signing underway."
"I said 'no!'" yelled Peach.
"Well then, allow me to introduce you to both my secret weapon and your doom!" Bowsed pulled a lever that began to flood the cell with a bunch of zombie-like nerds.
"All hail Microsoft," said the nerds in unison. "Nintendo sucks just because they don't make use of online play and the GameCube doesn't play DVDs even though video game systems are supposed to just play video games."
Mario gasped. "Ohno! XBox fans! Along with Bowser, Wario, Bob-Ombs, and Stanley the Talking Fish, they're high on my list of unfavoritest things!"
"There's no such word as 'unfavoritest'." Peach pointed out.
"Welcome to DiC Entertainment, red-haired blonde," declared Toenail.
"Y'see, Cheatsy?" Bowser said to his son. "Unless they give into my demands, I'll keep torturing them with XBox propaganda! Now that's truly evil!"
Outside, in the Castle Koopa moat (which, strangely, was not lava), Luigi and Toad were waiting in their small motor boat. Where did they get that boat? I hate not knowing things!
"Oh, it's been 11 minutes now and Mario and da Princess still haven't come out!" moaned Toad. "I told 'em to not go in dere, or at least lemmie provide 'em with da necessary equipment, but did dey listen to me? Nooooo!"
"Aw, quit whining, Toad," said Luigi. "We'll go in through the underwater drainpipe that Bowser has conveniently installed under his castle."
Toad put on sunglasses and replied sarcastically. "Good idea, Luigi! Water is my favorite element in da whole world! Water Land is my favorite place to go in dis crazy world! I love to dive around in it like a porpoise, and burrow through it like a gopher, and toss it up and let it hit me on da head."
"Great! Let's go!" said Luigi.
"You idiot!" Toad shouted. "I was only kidding!"
Not listening to Toad's griping, Luigi grabbed him and swam to the aforementioned drainpipe, not noticing the Boss Bass behind them. During this, Luigi's pant leg mysteriously turned red for a second.
Afterwards, they came up in the castle and at the feet of two Sledge Bros.
Luigi made a feminine gasp. "A Sledge Brother!"
"You big mook!" said Sledge Bro #2. "There's two of us! Did you flunk math or something!"
"For that little mathematical error," said Sledge Bro #1, "we shall have to imprison you."
So the Sledge Bros. took Luigi and Toad to Bowser, who was still gloating to Larry over the way he was torturing Mario, Peach, and Toenail.
"So you see, Cheatsy," Bowser continued, "to be a real big cheat, you have to double-trick, double-deal, and double-cross! Uh, are you listening to me?"
Larry was watching "ChalkZone" on his portable TV. "No, no, Rudy! Don't listen to her! She just wants to take you away from Penny!"
"Turn that thing off! You know I hate that program!" Bowser snatched the TV away and turned it off. "Anyway, as I was saying, double-crossing is a great way to be evil."
"Doublecross, eh?" Larry was looking rather sneaky.
"You heard me."
"Got it, King Dad!"
"Hey Toenail," Mario said to the tiger, "did you see that sneaky expression on Cheatsy's face? I think it's some sort of set-up."
"Shut up;" Toenail shushed, "you'll spoil the ending."
"What? Like it's not predictable?"
At that point, the two Sledge Bros. came in, carrying Luigi and Toad. "Excuse us, boss," said Sledge Bro #1, "but we happened upon these enemies of yours while we were looking for your copy of The Scarlet Letter."
"Oh goody!" Bowser danced in glee. "Throw them in and then abruptly grab the Princess so that I may taunt her some more!"
So, doing as Bowser commanded, the Sledge Bros. tossed Luigi and Toad into the cell, then grabbed Peach out of it and shut the door.
"Now continue searching for that book!" commanded Bowser. "I shall continue my taunting over Princess What's-Her-Name here."
"I resent that remark," said Princess What's-Her-Name.
"What was that!" Bowser asked.
"Looked like a quick cameo, sir," answered Sledge Bro #1.
"Uh, if you'll pardon our asking," said Sledge Bro #2, "you could've just taunted her while she was still inside the cell."
Bowser ignored the Sledge Bros and sent them away. "Now then, Princess, two more of your friends shall be forced to listen to the drivel of Microsoft supporters! That is, unless you sign the friggin' contract."
"You drive a hard bargain, flea-bait," insulted Peach. "Will you have court photographers?"
"Oh, we're fond of the paparazzi, are we?" Bowser teased. "Well, so am I. I always have court photographers when I do these kind of things!"
"He does?" said Luigi to the others. "How come I never noticed them?"
"OK, I'll sign on three conditions," agreed the Princess. "One, move us to the throne room. Two, change that tacky outfit. Three, go buy the 'Family Guy' DVDs."
"Wait a minute - you're gonna sign the Kingdom over?" Mario was disappointed. "Princess Peach Toadstool, I'm ashamed of you. And I'm her faithful subject."
"Welcome to DiC Entertainment, Italian from Brooklyn," declared Toenail.
"Hmmm, that last one's a little extreme, and I'm not really wearing anything," Bowser pointed out the flaws of Peach's demands. "But if it'll get you to sign my contract, OK. Cheatsy! While I call up the other Tomato Sauce Vampires and get the 'Family Guy' DVDs, take everyone to the throne room!"
"Uh, are you gonna steal the DVDs?" Larry asked.
"No, I'll buy them fairly. I've saved up for 'em. See you in a few minutes!" Bowser bolted for the exit.
"OK. And thanks for the cheating lesson! Heh heh heh heh..." Larry chortled to himself. "Now I shall make like Snively and take over the throne!"
Peach looked at the youngest Koopaling. "Uh, Larry, I'm still out here."
"Shut up and get back in the cell!" Peach did so as Larry called for the... "Guards!"
The Sledge Bros. re-entered the room. "Yes sir?"
"Larry? Uh, pardon me, but we only answer to King Bowser," Sledge Bro #1 reprimanded.
"Shut up," commanded Larry, "and take the prisoners to my room!"
"Wait, you're moving us to your room!" Peach bit. "Why'd you bother making me go back in the cell!"
"Hey bitch," said Sledge Bro #2, "so long as none of the other kids aside from Princie are around, he's the boss."
One scene-switch later, the Sledge Bros. were standing on guard outside Larry's room. Inside, Larry was shoving Bowser's scroll at Peach, with the rest of the good guys (and Toenail) locked in the closet.
"Let us out of here, you little bastard!" Mario yelled from inside, pounding on the door.
"Hey, at least he didn't stick the XBox Fans in here with us." Luigi looked on the bright side.
"Oh yeah!" Larry bit at them from outside. "Well, if Little Miss Pinky here don't sign the contract, it's back to the Microsoft Harem for you!"
"Gee, I guess I have no choice," said Peach sarcastically, taking a pen and drawing on the dotted line. "There! I hope you go choke on a churro!"
"Woo hoo! The Mushroom Kingdom's all mine! Now I can get stoned if I want to! Wait'll I tell Dad that I double-crossed him!" And Larry skipped off girlishly with the scroll.
"All right, guys, I'm gonna break you out now even though I should've done it a few minutes ago!" Peach broke a nearby lamp, prompting the Sledge Bros. to run in. Along with them came those unidentifiable voices one more time, this time to sing about how to avoid being burned.
As the song blasted everywhere, the Sledge Bros. threw their hammers at Peach, who jumped out of the way, causing the hammers to hit the closet and set the Marios, Toad, and Toenail free. With stunning cruelty, Mario and Luigi jumped on the Sledge Bros. Then two Fire Chomps flew in from out of nowhere, spitting fire at them, but Toenail made use of his claws and slashed the Fire Chomps into potato salad.
"Whoa! Nice move, Tony," commented Luigi.
"I'm Toenail," corrected the tiger. "Tony's my great-nephew."
"Whatever," said Toad. "Anyway, we gotta find some way to escape!"
"Not to worry, paesano!" said Mario. "As of Super Mario Bros. 3, Luigi and I can fly, and since Andy Heyward hasn't actually played the game, that means you and Peach can fly too!"
"Awe-suma times two!" Peach declared. "Hey Toenail, you wanna come with us?"
"Nah," declined Toenail. "Being a rather large tiger, I might fracture your flights. Law of grabbity, you know."
"Um, it's 'gravity'," corrected Mario.
"Whatever," said Toenail. "Besides, I can fight a way out to the entrance. And fortunately, since Bowser turned off his Non-Mario Character Alarm so he could let his friends in, getting out shouldn't be a problem for me."
"All right. Good luck, Toenail." Mario turned to the others and said, "C'mon, guys, let's find some Super Leaves!"
Over in the throne room, Bowser, clad in his Tomato Sauce-Sucking Vampire cowl, was walking towards his throne where the signing was supposed to be held. On the right-hand side of the room sat a quartet of Goombas, each holding cameras and notepads in their own bizarre way. What do you expect from Goombas? They don't have hands. On the other side stood Bowser's fellow Tomato Sauce Vampires - Count Ganondorfula, Count Giovannicula, Count Dedede, Kount K. Rool, and Count Minchula. Along with some of them were their most loyal lackeys.
"Hey, Bowser!" King Dedede called. "What'd ya call us up to yo' place for?"
"This had better be important." Ganon looked pretty ticked off.
"I agree with Ganondorfula," said Giovanni. "The rest of us have plans to make."
"It must be important," reasoned Pokey Minch. "After all, Koopula is the great Count Dracula's second-in-command."
"Did you get a new victim?" asked King K. Rool.
"Even better! I've convinced Princess Peach to sign her kingdom over to me! That's why I called you all here. I wanted you guys to witness the event! Now then..." Bowser wais suddenly knocked over by Larry, who then made himself comfy on the throne. "Whoa! Get off my throne, you ugly upstack!"
"Hey, don't treat your second-youngest kid like that, ya tubby turtle!" shouted Escargoon, King Dedede's sidekick.
"Don't play dumb, Escargoon!" Bowser shouted back. "I've got six older kids, remember? Cheatsy's only my second-youngest."
"Careful King Dad, I mean, ex-King Dad!" said Larry.
"There, see what I mean?" Escargoon bit.
"Cheatsy! Don't call me ex-King Dad!" Bowser yelled "As long as you're not an adult, I'm still your guardian."
"Yeah, but I'm the new king of the Mushroom Kingdom, see?"
"Lemmie see..." Bowser looked at the document as Larry took his crown.
Larry tried to keep the crown on his head. "'Course, since you gave me the idea to cheat you out of it, I'll make sure you get a cushy assignment. Say, cleaning the royal stables?"
"Hmmm, sounds like a good chore..." voiced Klump, K. Rool's general.
"Not for me, it isn't!" shuddered Escargoon.
Bowser eyed the document, then turned to Larry and took his crown back. "You nincom-koop!"
"Hey!" yelled Larry. "That's mine!"
"No, it's mine, you double-crossing dumbass!" Bowser cussed. "Look!"
"Hey, you just said..." Larry suddenly gasped at where the signature should've been. There was a picture of a stupid clown face sticking out its tongue drawn there. It had a black outline and was all blue. Peach must have been a talented artist to make a two-color picture with just one utensil.
"The Princess may not sign the scroll for you, or any of your siblings, or the Wario Bros., or any other villains in the Mushroom World, or maybe even the other Tomato Sauce Vampires," said Bowser, "but I'll make her sign it for me! Where're the freakin' prisoners!"
"Um, locked in my room," Larry answered.
"Are you sure?"
"Well, that's where I last remember leaving them..."
"Not anymore!" Mario's voice was heard outside.
"Huh!" said Bowser and Larry simultaneously.
Ganon, Giovanni, Dedede, K. Rool, and Pokey looked on as Bowser and Larry looked out the window. All four of the Mario group had gotten Raccoon Power and were flying out the window. Since when could Peach and Toad use Power-Ups?
"Bye-bye, assholes!" teased Toad.
"Ohhhh!" Bowser slapped his forehead. "This always happens!"
"There, see what happens when ya let 'em out of yer sight?" Escargoon bit again.
"Guards! Guards!" called Bowser.
"Give it up," said Mario, "we already flew the Koopa!"
"Y'know, that'd better be the last bad pun on this show," said Luigi as they flew off into the distance.
Bowser mumbled angrilly.
"What's he sayin', sire?" Escargoon asked his boss.
"Ah dunno," replied Dedede. "Ah think he's mumblin'."
"It's all your fault, you dirty sneaky lying cheating two-faced giant ninja double-crosser!" Bowser shouted at his son.
"But King Dad!" Larry backed away. "You should be proud of me! I was only doing bad like you taught me!"
"Oh sure! The next thing you know, I'll be hearing you blaming your losses on me and those fictional Darko Wingo characters! Stand still while I give you the rest of the lesson!" And with that, Bowser started chasing Larry around the throne. After a while, Larry hid behind the throne as Bowser continued chasing nothing in particular.
Finally, Dedede broke up the chase. "AWWW, STOP CHASIN' YO' KID, BOWSER!"
Bowser stopped running. "I beg your pardon?"
"Ah said ya shouldn't be chasin' yo' own kid in anger," repeated Dedede. "An' ya shouldn't blame 'em for your own losses!"
"Well, Kootie Pie keeps blaming her loss of her America takeover on these fictional characters she claims I let capture her!"
"Maybe not, but yuh shoah let her be captured by those two plumbers yuh just can't beat!"
"Look who's talking! You can't even kill a simple puffball, and you never do anything about that little girl who's always badmouthing you!" said Bowser as Larry backed out of the room. "Not to mention you're so fat! I'd hate to see how fat your mama is!"
"Why does everyone hafta make fun of mah weight problem?" Dedede whimpered. "Why don't they make fun of Mr. Dink? Or King Hubert? They're WAY fatter than me! In fact, you're pretty obese yourself! And how'd yuh even have kids anyway?"
"Count Dedede has a point," added K. Rool. "I've never seen Mrs. Koopa anywhere. Have either of you?"
"No," replied Giovanni.
"Nope," responded Ganon.
"I think he did have a mate," answered Pokey. "But she was in that crappy live-action movie where he was played by Dennis Hopper, and his enemies were played by Bob Hoskins and John Leguizamo!"
"Oh, do you honestly have to mention that film?" moaned Bowser. "Well, at least I kidnap princesses! Dedede just steals food! Why, he stole all of Dreamland's crops in his first game!"
"He just stole food in his first game? Ha ha!" Pokey laughed. "I pulled the strings of the apparent bad guy of MY game!"
"Well, I'm still superior to you, Pokey!" K. Rool declared. "I starred in four games! You didn't even come back for your game's sequel, which got cancelled anyway!"
"Yes, but you lost in every one of your games!" Pokey poked his nose in K. Rool's snout.
"Yeah! At least Ah didn't get ousted from mah throne after mah first two losses!" Dedede taunted.
"Hold it right there, big fella!" Klump defended his boss. "Ah may not have much of a family tree, but Krusha and Ah are still very loyal to the boss, unlike Count Minchula's little brother!"
"Hey Klump!" Bowser interrupted. "You're leaving out the fact that your boss is sometimes upstaged by that pirate who happens to be your brother!"
"D-uhhh..." Krusha, K. Rool's strong-yet-childlike bodyguard, added, "at least our boss and Team Rocket's boss were drawn correctly on TV."
"Yeah!" said Klump. "Since you have DiC Entertainment doing your show, EVERYONE looks off-model!"
"Oh... I'm burnt. Well, at least I'm a caring father..." Bowser then addressed Giovanni. "...unlike you, Mr. Ketchum!"
"Look who's talking, Mr. 'Nintendo-Entertainment-Systems-Have-Computer-Viruses-Stored-Inside-Them'!" Giovanni bit back. "At least on my live performance, my evil plot made a hell of a lot of sense, and I wasn't played by a sitcom actor wearing plaid pants and jester bells!"
"That's right, King Koopa!" added Giovanni's favorite lackey, Domino. "Your portrayal at the 50th Annual Ice Capades was a fashion no-no!"
"Oh... I'm DOUBLE-burnt!" Bowser groaned. "Well, so what if I didn't look like myself in the Super Mario Ice Follies? At least that show had its performance shown on TV! 4Kids won't even release 'Pokémon Live!' on DVD!"
Giovanni rubbed his chin. "Hmm, you have a point there, Koopula."
"It don't really matter anyway," said Bowser. "In your first games, you gave up your evil ways after your kid defeated you twice, then you disappeared mysteriously after your third loss to him, therefore not reappearing for the later games! And in those games, your Gym was taken over by that brat whose butt you kicked in the TV show! Then you let two even crappier teams replace yours in the most recent games!"
"And why do you keep Jessie & James around after so many losses?" asked Pokey. "I would've fired them by now!"
"Ridiculous!" Giovanni dismissed. "Mother Brain fired her lackeys once, and they struck some mighty revenge on her! I wouldn't want that happening to me."
"Boy, no wonder yuh got left out of the Home for Cartoon Villains!" Dedede bragged. "Now this evil voice Ah once met trusted me with a part of the FoxBox Broadcast Code! You, Bowser, can't even get your own kids' names right!"
"That's not my fault!" Bowser shook his head. "The writers of this show didn't read the instruction manual! Besides, I stole the Star Rod once! Unlike you, Ganon! You can't even bring the Triforce of Wisdom to your pretty little Death Mountain! And after all your claims of the Triforce of Power making you near-invincible! Not to mention you let one version of your enemy reclaim that Triforce from you!"
"Didn't you pay attention to that story! I tricked him into using the Triforce of Power without wisdom and courage to guide him. And needless to say, I made him pig out!" Ganon laughed at his joke.
"That was a horrible pun," heckled Pokey. "I'm probably the only one here who can make a good pig joke."
"That's it! There's only one way to settle this! ¡Luuuuuuuuuuuuuuucharaaaaaaaannnnnnnnn!" Bowser somehow generated a wrestling ring around him and all the other big baddies. "Let's fight to the finish!"
"Ladies first!" declared Pokey as an offscreen bell dinged.
"BOWSER'S FIERY FIREBALL OF FIERY FIRENESS!" Bowser transformed into a fireball.
"GANON'S EVIL TRACTOR OF LIES!" Ganon transmogrified into a tractor.
"GIOVANNI'S ROTTEN ROCKET!" Giovanni turned into a rocket.
"DEDEDE'S HAMMERTON MENACE!" Dedede took the shape of a giant hammer.
"THE KREMTRUCK OF MAYHEM!" K. Rool changed into a garbage truck.
"SPIDER OF HAVOC!" Pokey mutated into a spider.
And so the six Tomato Sauce Vampires began beating the crap out of each other, with all the lackeys cheering on their respective bosses. Close by, a stalwart goatee-wearing robot who had wandered in watched the fight unfolding in front of him.
"Hmmm," said Flexo, "maybe this isn't a good time to visit someone who's got the 'Family Guy' DVDs..."
The three Warner Siblings came running through a park, their theme music blaring all over the place. After a few seconds, they came to a stop.
"It's that time again!" Yakko declared.
"To say mean and nasty things about Jetix on Toon Disney?" guessed Dot.
"To swindle Cardinal into manufacturing our own trivia game?" supposed Wacko.
"No, it's time to learn today's lesson. And to find out what it is, we turn to... the Wheel Of Morality!" Yakko gave it a spin. "Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn! Moral #8. And the moral of today's story is..." He read the paper that printed out. "Eat, drink, and e-mail Strong Bad."
"I think someone's jamming in subliminal advertising," said Wacko.
"I saw it coming back in the second episode," sighed Dot.
Just then, the Warners heard a whistle blowing from offscreen. With a "Yipe!", they darted off, with Ralph the Guard not far behind, shaking his fist at them.
Cast (in speaking order)
Tom Kenny - Intro Narrator / "SpongeBob SquarePants"
Harvey Atkin - King Bowser Koopa
Paulina Gillis - Wendy O. "Kootie Pie" Koopa / Little Girl With No Name
Tracey Moore - Princess Peach Toadstool
Tony Rosato - Luigi "Mr. Lean and Green" Mario
Walker Boone - Mario Mario
John Stocker - Toad / The Sultan / Extra Servant #5
Carlos Alazaraqui - Denzel Q. Crocker / Talking Quarter / Rocko / Suspicious Man (Hot Tub)
Spencer Breslin - "Captain" Crandall Connors
Alanna Ubach - Hector "Skate Lad" Corrio / Brenda "Rope Girl" Snyder
John Kricfalusi - Fire Bros. / Boomerang Bros. / Ren Hoek
Gordan Masten - Morton "BigMouth" Koopa Jr.
Barbara Bush - Herself
Michael Stark - Ludwig "Kooky" Von Koopa
George Bush - Himself
Dan Hennessey - Roy "Bully" Koopa
John Rankin - Larry "Cheatsy" Koopa
Tara Strong - Bowser "Princie" Koopa Jr. / Iggy "Hip" Koopa / Lemmy "Hop" Koopa / Harold Hutchins
Cam Clarke - Leonardo / Rocksteady
Townsend Coleman - Michaelangelo
Barry Gordon - Donatello / Bebop
Rob Paulsen - Raphael / Kutter / Ptooeys / Yakko Warner
Ted Lewis - Giovanni / Escargoon
Len Carlson - Ganon / General Klump
Ben Campbell - King K. Rool
Richard Yearwood - King Dedede
Jim Cummings - Pokey Minch / Darkwing Duck / Dr. Ivo Robotnik / Tex Avery's Wolf / Blue-Haired Father with Also No Name
Debi Derryberry - Jimmy Neutron
Veronica Taylor - Billy Hatcher
Thurl Ravenscroft - Tony the Tiger / Toenail the Tiger
Nancy Cartwright - Bart Simpson / Rufus
James Avery - Shredder
Eric Stuart - Dial Bolic
Nathan Lane - Timon Berkowitz
Ernie Sabella - Pumbaa the Warthog
Jason Marsden - George Beard / Rikochet
Billy West - Stimpy J. Cat
Patrick Warburton - Kronk
Richard Steven Horvitz - Invader ZIM
Daniel Radcliffe - Harry Potter
Matt Chapman - Strong Bad / Bubs
John Cleese - Gumby 1
Michael Palin - Gumby 2
Terry Jones - Gumby 3
Eric Idle - Gumby 4
Terry Gilliam - Gumby 5
E.G. Daily - Rudy Tabootie
Hynden Walch - Penny Sanchez
Candi Milo - Snap
Tress MacNeille - Toadette / Little Girl with No Name / Dot Warner
June Foray - Granny
Eric Goldberg - Tweety Pie
Charles Martinet - Unnamed Mushroom Doctor / Kool-Aid Man / Toadsworth / Wario / Waluigi
Harry Shearer - Kool-Aid Advertising Agent #2 / Lightsabre-Dueling Mushroomite #1
Hank Azaria - Lightsabre-Dueling Mushroomite #2
Julie Kavner - Protesting Toad #1
Dan Castellaneta - Frank / Thwomp
Christy Carlson Romano - Kim Possible
Will Friedle - Ron Stoppable
Adam Sessler - Himself
Morgan Webb - Herself
Kath Soucie - Princess What's-Her-Name
John DiMaggio - Flexo
Well, I'm sad to say that King Koopa Kastrophe Spoof is over. Or is it? Because I've just found out there's two other "Adventures of SMB3" DVDs over in the UK that are just like this one (but, fortunately, without any bonus "Sonic Underground" episodes). So what does this mean? It means that I've got a sequel to do! Stay tuned for King Koopa Katastrophe Spoof 2 (that's a tentative title, mind you), coming later this year!